Can Change be GOOD?

A month living under unfamiliar conditions, fresh surroundings and having to put up with grit from the main road and vehicular noise has made me a little more patient, in some sense. It would seem like this move was a very bad idea, because the past 4 weeks have found me spending more time OUTSIDE my space. A close colleague thinks another 4 weeks would settle me a little more...however, i'm doubtful.

There is no lesson I can share today, except that, change is as good as we can accept it to be. No one likes change, wherever it may be - seating in the office, how things are done - we tend to cast the procedure in place automatically and then find ourselves unable to make the adjustment when a pole shifts. I'm not even sure if learning by rote is responsible for this auto-response, but I do know that if something has 'worked' for a long time, why would we have a need to tune it?

Well, we may think it is working, which isn't incorrect. But there will always be a better way to get it working. But what if we don't want better? Well, we will not have a basis to compare, until we experience what 'better' is. Therefore, we should learn to be less unbending and more open to accept new ideas and try new ways of doing things.

The problem is not the change - it's our inability to adjust as quickly - perhaps that's why another 4 weeks may settle me in my new environment a little more.

Today, I moved

After much deliberation and consideration, I have unhinged myself from my nest of 10 years. 24th June 2011, will be the date I will perhaps remember for the rest of my life - simply because it is the first time I actually moved into 'unchartered' space.

The actual move traumatised me at every possible level - i was sleep deprived, physically exhausted and couldn't settle in quickly enough.

This is probably the boldest thing I have done yet; But I am positive that after some time, I will be able to look back and appreciate this change.

As resistant as we are to major change, it is necessary in moving forward.

My new cave is very different - it comes with noise and grit from the main road - but I do get an unobstructed view and a balcony which supports plant growth.

I left a lot of memorable furniture behind - it's best to start fresh - i'm sentimental about things, but i should grow up and deal with not wanting to 'pay for' excess baggage in whatever form.

My cave is not fully ready yet, in terms of my putting my personal stamp on it, but it is coming along nicely. I already feel that I've been unburdened at some deeper level. This may or may not be psychological, but as long as I am functioning at optimal level, I should be thankful and consider myself blessed.

Why books must be closed

I have spent the past few months of 2011 closing 'books'. What I realise is, 'books', my polite term for either girlfriends/guyfriends, must be 'closed' lest we find ourselves knocked simply because the wind blew.

I have never been great with closures - i tend to want to make light of things so that there is less animosity and perhaps, less unpleasantness. Unfortunately, doing what i did, just postponed the inevitable.

Relationships, Friendships are bonds I felt, that was a necessary evil. Although i enjoy the company of friends, I find most engagements, tiring and not always bubbling with sincerity. People are generally either the tit for tat types, or the selfish go-getters; Everyone wants something from Someone. Otherwise, there is no value or purpose in wanting to maintain that Relationship/Friendship.

Perhaps, 2011, will be THE YEAR, I will close all the books i have deliberately left open and finally will be able to move on. I like to think that I can move one step forward without the two steps behind, springing me a surprise.

It's almost mid-year, I must say, 2011 has been going by like a tornado. I feel that I am being propelled in the forward direction, yet, unless all the books are closed, it will not be closed and it will slow my move.

I have learnt to manage these surprises a little less hurriedly, thinking more about how to counter-respond without extending the books.

This is why, we need closure in any area; not a learning curve, but just to always be neat and tidy so that the book can be archived or sold to a bookstore.

I do feel bad, that some friendships/relationships are just not worth a second look; just like books, we read the prologue, review and decide if it's one we would like to discover. If it's not a narrative of interest, it's not and we could give ourselves twice the length of time, to read, but it will not happen. And if it does, we may not even appreciate the effort of the author.

So, if a friendship is too lop-sided, close it or file it under another label, say, hi bye friend.

If a relationship is too noncommittal, close it or file it under say, wrong place wrong time, wrong person.

We are all entitled to having friendships which are helping and relationships which strengthen us as a person. I feel that I should be more selective, not because of fussiness, but that we really don't have much time and I rather I spend that time with people who really matter.

almost final curtain

Today, the 6th of November 2010 will be the day i took another huge step forward in final curtain call. I have been working at a snails pace, clearing up my household mess - simply because GOD doesn't just dish out single situations for me to sort, but always multi-faceted and in an unsorted basket.

Being a creature, requiring 'balance' all the time in order to function at maximum capacity, this has been a rather challenging year - i didn't just have finances to sort, i also have work headaches and my son is doing his GCE O-levels. As usual, i rather just priorities and maintain balance, so to speak, as much as i can.

I won't say that it's easy to clear out a store room or a closet but we start slowly and then pick up momentum. I am all for spring cleaning and garbage, I do not have patience for. When i decide that it's time to clean up, i will roll up my sleeves and finish the work - it's not about having a need to finish it quickly but about finishing it well.

So at the alumni dinner, we were just joking about our school motto : SIMPLE IN VIRTUE; STEADFAST IN DUTY.

Perhaps, after 11 years, in a convent - the school motto has become ingrained into what is my personal culture. Yes, 11 years - I first stepped into the convent as a 6 year old, at kindergarten.

I don't think the school motto has ever failed me in how i conduct my life - because 30 years after i have walked out of the school gates, I know that as long as i have lived my life with sincerity and conviction that whatever we do, we do our best - we do not have to hold anyone to our standards, but when duty calls, duty calls.

With that, i am ready to close this chapter of my miserable life, yet i do not hold GOD or anyone accountable, because I do have a son, who is upholding HE WHO WILLS, CAN - and if he can believe that, so can I.

It's been a long time

It's not that I forgot about this blog - I didn't - because this blog helped my unconscious survive the past few years - my coming back, is one way of taking stock of things, before we close the year.

To say I have outgrown blogging, is like saying I will not go near another bar of chocolates. I will always remain a woman, who is very much a girl inside - who still dreams of being happy unconditionally.

2010 has shifted my entire grid onto another page - making me less regimented in plan adjustments and perhaps helped me grow and understand myself better. Minus rules, it's always chaos, but this time, I found the freedom to appreciate other facets my life, which never got onto my to-do list.

Looking back, it's a lot to process on what really happened. So, perhaps, if time permits, I may just retrace those tentative steps I took, outside my comfort zone, which got me to where i am standing today. A lot less harassed, a lot more optimistic and possibly even hopeful that I didn't actually mess up my life.

what the difference makes

I have spent the past few days, trying to close the gap between 0.9 and 0.77. In terms of numbers, it's just 0.13, but in stats, that's already a lot.

There are two things I can do - leave it and explain this OR try re-keying, re-grouping and see if the gap closes. I have tried re-grouping and got it this close on my last attempt and because today is the first day in February - I have decided that I need to move on, to close.

The strangest thing is, most of whom who used this inventory, got 0.9 - and if there was someone who didn't, it certainly was not officially reported. The difference i obtained, was not good for the inventory. So for an entire day, I was thinking about how to report this difference, without being too critical.

I wish I could re-key it using another method and then see if the numbers improve. But there is no other method which I know about and i'm stuck, have been for 4 days now.

In life, we always try to accept the tiny differences and just get on with it.

In research, when it's not even about life per se, we can't. Tiny differences convey major shifts.

It's not teaching me anything except, in academia, it's all about precision but in life it's about making acceptable excuses for imperfection.

Bintan Lagoon Resort

I had a wonderful weekend at Bintan Lagoon Resort with my gf - managed to get work done, hardly slept of course but that's to be expected - you can never have it all.

I think the shocker was that I felt like I was at some tourist attraction in Singapore, because everything was in Sing Dollars. Ala Carte chicken rice - SGD18 excluding the taxes.

The room was recently renovated and it's more than comfortable. Toiletries were excellent.

There wasn't much to do there unless you're a golfer or a beach person, of which both of us weren't. That weekend was good for us both - we had time to talk as well and catch up, without being limited by having to hang on to the mobile or having to send out long text messages. My gf will be gone for a year, at graduate school.

If there is anything at all, that I came home with, after this weekend is: I'm not a beach person, I am most comfortable in cities and that if I ever go back to a resort, it will be with someone who would drag me to walk on the beach, watch the sunset and feel the breeze brush my skin.

On my own, the soaking in of the beach went on express service not for the lack of breathtaking views.

Yup, that is perhaps why I could not appreciate being in a resort at all.

No one was ever so special enough to flip the switch in my head yet.