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August 29, 2008

Cat-Dog = COG fight

Why do cats fight? Territorial reasons - food to survive - these are the basic reasons.
Why are women referred to as cats?
Well, perhaps, calling women dogs, doesn't quite cut it, since women spend time grooming themselves like cats. But I do know of a cat that's a dog - and I'm having a spat with her.

Being of a siamese nature i.e. aloof, keep to myself, one owner type pet...I do not like hassles, to be hassled, or unnecessary use of my time and energy which doesn't generate business.
This COG that's picking a spat with me, needs power - I DOG, YOU CAT, SO BUGGER OFF OR TOW THE LINE - unfortunately, my siamese nature will not allow myself to be bullied and so the spat starts.

I believe in equality, fairness and fairness.
BUT there are people who need their ego to be fanned constantly.
There are people who use what little money they have to buy respect.
There are people who think they can feed a feline and have their loyalty.

Then I wonder, WHERE IS GOD?
WHERE IS GOD WHEN THESE PEOPLE ARE TRAMPLING OVER OTHERS?
WHERE IS GOD WHEN PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH RUINING OTHERS' LIVES?

When we feel so short-changed, we should just stand there and call HIM, ask HIM for direction. Whether in anger or disappointment, I have faith that GOD hears us all the time. BUT perhaps He feels that it's not urgent enough - perhaps He feels that even if it's a dog-cat fight, the cat might win with His unfelt support but support that He will give. I believe in the goodness of people and the strength of the holy spirit - and because of the burning faith in me, I hope I'm not wrong.

August 27, 2008

Is it culture?

Many times we have biases, prejudices, not really knowing how it all began.

As each country becomes cosmopolitan, people adapt to each others habits, good & bad and move on. There is no clear distinction between the citizens and the permanent resident or the visitor - everyone moves at their desired pace and goes about their personal business.

BUT at the first sign of a disagreement - racial slurs will creep up.
For those who believe that they do not have such biases/prejudices, I say that's wonderful and hope that's honest. Because for most of us, there will always be this nagging thing in our heads that will tag a person's behavior to some label for that ethnic group.

No matter how accepting we are externally, it's usually the opposite internally.
We are all closet cases when it comes to opinions we have of people from a different race. As a society, that is required for us to maintain the peace and harmony - but privately, we hang on to those beliefs, because perhaps history has it and it has become almost predisposed.

It's not a great thing to note, but it's a fact.
I'm not saying that this is so for every case, and for everyone.
I'm saying that we still have a long way to go before there is seriously no distinction between people. The day we have that, will be the day everyone thinks about everyone - no one has a hidden agenda and everyone is not out to get the next person.
When will we get there?
No one knows, because for everyone who wishes for this, there will be some others who may be from the minority, trying to become a majority voice by stepping on heads - when it would be so much simpler to just think like the majority who basically never labelled the minority, until they were given reason to do so.

August 24, 2008

Off-Campus life

You know it's assignment week when NO ONE returns your sms. My classmates must all be busy that their phone either went to the toilet or it's on silent mode.
It's not that I'm not busy doing mine, just that I needed to know if we were having lectures tomorrow.
When we log into our uni portal, there is this banner that says : RESEARCH PROPOSAL MONTH. It's good to know we are all 'together' on the semester - not lagging or anything, which off-campus students are usually subject to. We tend to be the forgotten ones. However, this Uni, being part of the Group of 8, is so on-top-of-things that there is no room for off-campus students like us to find a decent excuse for non-performance except that here, all of us work full-time, which is what our Prof found out at weekend school. He was not surprised, but he needed to find out why we probably didn't do as well as his on-campus students and required some sort of validation.
It's good to be on track, but it's stressful too.
Our schedules are as being on-campus - and it's always a mad rush to get as near publishing standard for our papers as possible. Aside from our first semester teething problem, I think we may finally have found the handle for the situation - read more.
We also have an online discussion board, where we HAVE TO participate - otherwise, we'll be penalised somehow. Kids here get homework, we get cases to comment on for each week of school - our homework.
So, although we are all off-campus, we still feel very on-campus - thanks to the internet.
I think all uni's should have this system so that students here will also feel like they actually belong to that faculty - and will strive to keep up and be more diligent in our readings.

August 23, 2008

Circle of Life

In familiar terms, that would mean, what goes around, comes around.
In Christianity, it's less clear with the 'do unto others what you want others to do unto you' - which sounds like it's a warning more than anything else - but there must be a reason for such a warning isn't it?
In Buddhism and Hinduism - it's karma - what you do now, will come back to haunt you.

So is this what life is about?
That we need to fulfil it well?
That there is a requirement to minimise the damage that we will do to others so that we, either consciously or unconsciously protect ourselves from the same fate that we have served?

I think it's an intersting point to take note of, since it's rather similar, what the teachings are.

BUT does that mean we allow people to trample on us since Jesus did mention offering the other cheek to be slapped on as well.....Jesus is God's son, I am not, so that's why humans tend to react differently.
Which brings me to the law of physics - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
And that's why when we say or do anything, it begins a cycle.
If we are polite, we tend to receive the same treatment.
If we are rude, we tend to receive the same.
If we do good, we can be assured that good things will come in time.
If we have good intentions, then good things will definately be in the pipeline.
Good begets good.
Bad is bad, no matter how you twist it.
As long as our intent is bad, then it's best to throw it out the window, because every dog will have his day - For every movie, the good guys always win after a thrashing - so if good will always prevail, why are there people who think otherwise?

August 21, 2008

Never ending stairway of FEES

I was flipping my uni's website to check out the fees for after I finish this compulsory year, just in case I fail miserably in getting straight A's and have to pay my way up the licensing board.

I know that tertiary education is expensive, but try reaching higher up and you'll see that it costs more than what my previous company was paying me a year without bonuses and commissions! How on earth do people get there then if their GPA scores are embarassing?
It's not that I have such tendencies but then, what if something goes wrong? Where does that leave OPTIONS?

Perhaps that's why when people do their PhD, they are greying. Probably collected their CPF. And when they get their PhD, their bp is probably too high and they will collapse and never recover from their shock of achievement; leaving their family very much with nothing except that piece of paper....

This is really depressing.
It's either I get the next TOTO draw or I will have to work myself to the bone. Inflation isn't helping and frankly, the possibilities are looking bleak for self-payment.
Which leaves me to work towards a scholarship.
Which means, slogging now like a cow - and hope that I'll get back into academic writing real quick....I'm doing more work this semester than the last one, trying to repair how my transcripts are looking.

One assignment is due next week - so let's see if this is enough work. If it's not then I would need ALL THE GODS to be on my side for the next one because looking at this stairway is making me feel tired, even before I hit the middle rung!

too late for summer school

When faced with a situation where we have to make a difficult choice, there is no best way to work towards which solution is best. This is especially true when the other party concerned tends to be untrustworthy and insincere.
How do we know that we are doing the correct thing?
We do not - but if there is no trust then the best would be to safeguard ourselves first.

If we think we want to continue to protect an untrustworthy person, there is no guarantee that this person wouldn't turn around and bite back WHEN things go wrong, and there is a likelihood of that happening too.

I have met lots of sincere people and I have had more than the fair share of selfish ones. Most times I just stay clear because bad vibrations and negative energy is not my idea of gaining knowledge about life. It's always disappointing to know that people, after living for 50+ years, fail terribly at social etiquette and sincerity towards others. That's more than half the lifespan of an average person!

I'm like the environmentalist - only, I am always gunning for the betterment of human behavior which does include being more considerate of being 'green' too.
Perhaps some people are just born to be disappointing apples.
Perhaps they have different hierarchy of needs.
Perhaps they think that life owes them something.
Perhaps they don't believe that they don't always know everything.
What they need is to start their life over, because too much has passed for them to do summer school and catch up!

August 20, 2008

read the contract

I had to speak to a tenant's wife of a client today and it's appalling how ignorant people are of the terms and conditions of the tenancy agreement.

In any business, clients usually choose the agents they wish to work with - it doesn't matter which agency or organisation the agents move to, but clients stay with their agents, because of rapport or whatever else their reasons may be. This is the same in the financial industry.

Today, this tenant's wife, told me that they signed an agreement with the company I have since resigned from, therefore they would need to re-sign another agreement with the owner. I was shocked that
1. she is so dumb
2. she obviously cannot read
3. and because she's not local, she expects me to agree that she's correct

I didn't want to explain, because basically, stupidity annoys me. This is not being ignorant, but it's stupid, because unless the company is the owner, why would you sign an agreement to lease the premises from that company?
I simply asked her what gave her the idea that my previous company owned that property? If her agent told her that, then why am I representing a third party, for whom the rental cheques are being made out to? It doesn't make sense, and I asked her if it made sense to her.

Basically, this person is biased because her agent is my ex-colleague, who is obviously unhappy with my resignation - which shouldn't be anyone's business actually.
My rule of thumb is easy.
Not happy, then move out - no need to cause unnecessary problems. That's what I recommended one tenant to do and I got my landlord a higher rental within the same week.

August 18, 2008

better late than never

There will always be people who lack social skills. The ones who make effort to improve usually are the ones that people will be more forgiving about because they are sincere and willing to improve.
Unfortunately, I tend to attract unsavoury characters, those who either are too big for their boots OR those who got to where they are not by working hard OR those who think they know what's best when they are ethically/socially/morally/professionally wrong.

Its' rather annoying to always bumping into such people, because I have become so impatient that teaching them a lesson they will never forget, becomes my mantra for them. I used to hang in there, be patient, give them chances - these days it's snip, snip, snip - out you go.

Life is a circle - what goes around, comes around.
My good friend of 25 years, knew this character 20 years ago - I didn't, because there was never an opportunity to mix - we are simple people, who have no desires to do anything except to be happy with ourselves. This character was making another person miserable, with her antics - she was going to marry into the other person's family. As the saying goes, love is blind - but not to outsiders and this person was fuming mad, because she was going to marry his only son.
Everyone in this family knew she was bad news because she was going to 'clean them out' slowly and no one could do anything.
Now, 25 years later, she came into my life, and as with all movies, all parties met - I obviously heard the juicy story and being me, I didn't lay judgement but gave her the opportunity to prove everyone I trusted, wrong.
In Olympic record time, she proved how right they read her and how low on the character scale she cut.

The next item on my agenda is to teach her a lesson; one she can take to her grave.
She will learn, that to receive consideration, one must first be prepared to give it.
She will learn that, respect is never automatic but has to be earned in order for it to generate cookies.
She will learn that being rude never gets us anywhere except in the monsoon drain.
She will learn that never throw stones at others' homes when you live in a glasshouse.

I will even tell her that, after I have gone through all these lessons as my parting shot to her.
So that she will remember that GOD may not be physically here to un-do the damage she has done to a family, but GOD works through people to get His job done. It may have taken GOD 25 years to carry out this plan, a whole bunch of people to connect, but bottom line is, it's always better late than never.

If anything, I detest people who use other people so that they can gloat at the rest of the world. This is not a Robin Hood series because I do not see her robbing the rich to help the poor. She has robbed the rich and thinks that this dirty money can buy her hero-worship and lease of life. Obviously she didn't do well in religious class.
So teach her I will.

August 17, 2008

job exploitation

What's the deal about employers always expecting employees to do more than what they are contracted to do?
If we had unions, I don't think this would be a widespread problem - but because strikes and riots are criminal, then it will always create this unbalance in the workplace. I am sure that many employees would have been faced with this sometime or other - if it's a one-time favour, then we would be making a mountain out of a molehill, but if it's an expectation, then it's really got to do with employers lacking in correct work ethics.

At the very low rung of the workforce, people are entitled to one day off for 6 days of work - key word, entitled. BUT employers will say, that they cannot get a replacement, so let me pay you extra for not taking an off-day. I don't think it's fair to think that the well-being of our body system could be compensated with money. The money we would need to repair the damage would far surpass the extra the employer is prepared to pay. Also, when you're so low in the food chain, the medical benefits you are entitled to would be pittens, because employers will assume that you're probably not educated enough to know your rights.

Is this a problem in just Asian culture or is this widespread?
Are people just waiting to take advantage of another individual just because he's not as equipped to defend himself from exploitation?

I have done many things outside my scope of work, but I have never gone beyond my contracted hours. To me, my off-time is far more important than money not because I don't need it, but because my sanity and well-being should never be compromised.

I'm helping an old friend tidy up his administration - and he has mentioned getting me to do beyond my 'consult' hours. With a fresh resignation on his table, he needs me to cover some work - he's prepared to compensate me for staying a wee bit longer each day though, but I turned him down, because it's not what I agreed to, initially, extra or not.
I don't have time to work full-time because I need to churn out assignments and a research paper - which to me, is more important than the amount of money he's prepared to fork out. Unless he's prepared to pay for my PhD, there is nothing to discuss - because I need a scholarship, either part or full and the surest way to get it is by delivering good grades. So my opportunity cost is too high for him to absorb therefore this discussion is over even before it began.

My situation is not one of exploitation, because I am setting the parameters, but there are a lot others, who cannot set such parameters and will always be taken advantage of. Although I am able to defend my rights and know how to side-step this request, there are some 50% of the population who do not have the same capacity and will always be in bind to cover someone elses work with no correct compensation ever.

Usually, it's for the Best

I was griping about having a change of supervisor for my Reseach paper just weeks ago, simply because I was about the only one who was allocated outside my choice. I was of the opinion that my area of Research must be similar to that of my supervisors, therefore, that was valid reason for me to be upset - or so I thought.
I met my allocated supervisor yesterday and firstly, I was wrong in my assumption i.e. there was no need to do a research in his field of expertise - also, because of my background etc, he helped me narrow the field of research and by the end of the meeting, he was happy and so was I.

There are many areas I would like to do a research in - but my choice areas never really had to do with regular people - in that way, I am very constant in my preference. I was and will never be interested in what regular people are like in times of social stress or whether society is falling apart because people are too hung up on themselves because sometimes, it's best to understand that people don't change.

I wanted to do something more up my alley - like doing a paper on dysfunctional ideas - or mental health, because these are the groups who really need understanding and assistance so that the cycle is broken.

I'm now going to do a paper on animal welfare - something no one would really be interested in except a select few. Why would anyone bother about animal welfare - we have a great plenty who eat turtles - not bothering how they got to the pot in the first place. It's not the consumer that I'm intersted in, it's the butcher.
I have no qualms if my friends love turtle soup, because it's an 'acquired' taste, but I have a problem with how the turtle became soup - how a person could carve up the meat away from the shell. I'm sure my friends who enjoy the soup, will not be the one to scoop the meat from the shell when the turtle is alive.
I may be wrong, the butcher may have clobbered the turtle first - I don't know, and don't want to know, ever.

So it's set - my paper will not about about turtles about the greater picture about where animals fall in our hierachy of importance.

August 14, 2008

If it's an opportunity, why pass it up?

When do we pass up an opportunity?
Should we pass it up, in the first place?

Before we decide on that, we need to first evaluate if it's actually an opportunity to begin with.
In order to do that, we need to know what's the opportunity cost involved?

For everything, there is an opportunity cost - nothing comes without some cost. It doesn't have to be monetary, because a cost is a cost - it could cost us our sanity and not a penny, yet it's a cost to us, our well-being.

I was presented with an opportunity this morning - but I decided not to take it - not because the monetary gains were not attractive for anyone seeking employment, but because I'm not seeking employment.

I started out on this project, to bail out an old friend in his cousin's little company.
Now, they are offering me a full-time position, with a good remuneration.
I passed.

Reason:
Terms on and it's really not a playground - this is my next goal in my academic life and there should not be distractions. Take me back to March, when I was working full-time and had to hand-in a paper - it was a disaster. I didn't fail, but I didn't get my A.

Reason:
I have a commitment to my clients to manage their portfolio and I should keep to my word. After all, it's not difficult work most times until changeover of lease or when something breaks down. It doesn't take too much of my hours in a day, and it pays a whole lot more.

Reason:
I have gone past being employed full-time to chase after money for my employers.
I would like to enjoy some freedom after 4 years in a corporate orgn.
Wear what I like, do what I like, work when I like.
Earn money for myself for a change.

Reason:
Marketing is not my career choice, although I'm blessed in this field of work.
I do it because it pays the bills and buys me things.

So, the opportunity cost is too high for me to say yes - that I didn't even think for a second but just turned it down flat.

Therefore, for me, that offer was not an opportunity.
It was an offer to keep me doing what takes so much out of me for a good fee.
But at this point in my life - I'm through with anything fixed.
I'm going with flexibility in all aspects of my life except in getting my Psych programme done.

August 13, 2008

getting down to it

If there are moments when I have nothing to say, THIS IS THE MOMENT.

For whatever valid reason, I'm about the only person in the local class who got my supervisor of my choice changed to one of my dear ole prof's choice. I'm sure the reason is valid, after all, we just completed one entire chapter on validity last semester!

Perhaps he felt that too many people opted for social psych. It's definately less brain-wrecking than what I have now which has to do with animals.
I have a mini-zoo at home, which he doesn't know about - so perhaps it's not such a bad idea that I got bumped to a supervisor who does research in this field. It's just that it's really time consuming when I could just do my social psych off-the-cuff.

Because this is a huge deal in postgrad - it's almost critical that we get it correct. Our academic life hangs on this which brings me to my next question for myself - why did I not decide to kiv this semester to next year, when I will obviously have more time (so my calendar says so) - but as with all things, why postpone doing something tomorrow when we can do it today?
So, against my better judgement and messy situation - I opted to continue as per normal.
I'm not the only one who wanted to kiv at least one module - but I think it's best we take it in our stride and move along.

After all, I'm the one who preaches keeping the diary full so that the days become shorter and more productive.
And although my diary for next semester looks empty, it's only because we are at least 6mths away from any week getting filled with appts.

So Reseach Proposal, here I come - 4 hours ago, I still had no idea what to do with this field of study - now, I am beginning to see a shadow, which means, there is light somewhere.
Forget about kivs, just get down to it; it's always an agony when at the start line - but once you take off, it's just seconds before you hit the finish line.

August 12, 2008

why study now?

Semesters' started and paper's due in 2 weeks.
What a way to go!

Why do people (like me & some of my friends) decide to study this late in life? Never mind the huge bill in fees that we need to fork out - it's time that money cannot buy.
For most people, it's upgrading of their work skill i.e. they will be able to get a better salary with their new qualification or new position in their current workplace. It translates into mullah, so that sacrifice would make sense.
For fewer people like me, it has got nothing, remotely close, to do, with that.

Firstly, the field I'm majoring in is not related to my work at all - It's personal interest that steered me in that general direction.
Because I'm running my own little business, all this money I'm ploughing into this programme is not going to translate into a promotion or an increment.

I guess when we have interest in something, half the battle is won.
We may not need to weave that qualification into our current work, but it will still provide us with options later. And studying never goes to waste.

For example, I did Biology - zoology+botany in college and what do you know? Today, I needed that little basic knowledge to help me work out a landscaping choice for a client. It may not be the specific name of a plant that's useable in this case, but more a choice of what's going to look great in this climate yet serving another aesthetic function. Sure, biology is too in-depth for something people think you just unpot into the ground but seriously, there is more to plants than just re-potting. Having an eye for beauty surely helps, but for work, it's always good to use correct terms - it's not just good, but impressive.
Although I'm not one that bothers about impressions, it does help when the agencies your client is dealing with, decides to give you a hard time and you are able to side-step it, professionally.

Moral of the story - studying is never a waste.
I could have one foot in the grave, but if there is a program which catches my eye and I can make time, I will go for it.
If only we all believed that when we were in full-time school.

August 11, 2008

caged in - a parallel idea

Of the many things I wanted to do was to go grill-less at home. It's a singapore phenomenon - where the first thing we do is to cage ourselves in. It wasn't my preferred decor, but since the apt came with grilles, I never thought about removing them until now - it's almost a parallel idea the feeling caged in.
Perhaps, the history of having the entire apt grilled has to do with the policies of our public housing before - must be married before you get a flat - we have since moved away from that stand, but nevertheless, it's interesting to note.
For me, being married has always meant being caged in - because I was very limited in what I could say or do, without offending the other party in the conversation. Sure, some school of thought would say, but if you're married and in a permanent relationship, there should be no 'secrets' i.e. speak freely.
WRONG.
There can never be times we can speak freely without having someone feeling a little offended - or taken aback. Having a legal document in between the relationship doesn't make it easier, but complicates the already sensitive moment - because one party will be thinking, it's okay to say what you think because of the marriage; the other will be thinking, we are married so there is no more consideration required, therefore, i'm being insulted.
Back to grilles.
I have had them removed and now I can see through my windows without needing my visual path to zig-zag for a clear view. The affected rooms look so fresh and open - like a sense of being free.
I know my contractor had reservations about it, because of security - but well, I'd rather have a real sense as opposed to a false sense of security.

August 10, 2008

Let the games begin

Having been through one divorce and had the fortune to walk others through theirs, I know how messy divorces can be. When I set out to do this, I thought that it will be straightforward.
Well, trouble now is, there are others around us that sometimes think they know more and will try to interfere thinking they are attempting a last ditch to save the marriage without realising the damage they are causing to the divorce process.
In my current situation, it was agreed that a sum will be paid for the upkeep of the boy until he's 21 - I didn't think I needed alimony, since I'm not the type to live off people - although that's probably my right. But just watching what's going on, is making me change my mind about a lot of things, namely, being too kind.
He has friends, who know me too, but who obviously is helping him by giving him poor advice about how to deal with me. They have since told him not to do this, not to do that, without realising that I'm reading into all this too quickly.
See, things like this, get my monkey up. People who are not in this equation should just stay out of it. They will only make things difficult for him, because I can be extremely nasty when I choose to be. I told him the other day that I will not be officially requesting for any maintenance or alimony - because I don't want him to be pressured - but since his friend is now getting involved in this equation, I will teach them a good lesson - for the hell of it.
I can have sympathy and I can be very compassionate, but when push comes to shove, I will not only nip it at the bud, I will make sure it doesn't even try to bloom again. So I have decided to officially take what's my right and make them pay for being uninvited to this settlement.
Advice to everyone - if you're not doing anyone any good, don't bother to give advice that's half-baked - no advice is always better than wrong advice -
In my case, this attempt to salvage the marriage by a third party I do not respect, because he has another family residing secretly outside singapore, is doing his friend more damage than he can begin to imagine.

August 09, 2008

Finding solutions alone

The trouble with my life is, it's so unpredictable, yet predictable.
I guess it's unpredictable, because it happens at the most inappropriate time, and predictable because I usually have an inkling about it.
But if we can prevent an unplesant situation, why allow it to happen in the first place?

Perhaps it has to do with the wheel of experience that has to be.
Whatever that has to happen, has to happen - no matter how we side-step; if it's going to happen, it will - it may have to do with the involved parties' need to have this experience. As a person who believes in a bigger picture, I always think that there's a good in all the bad - it's got nothing to do with positive thinking since I'm not the self-help type - I just believe that equations always balances out.

That general rule of thumb has helped me become a strong person - stronger than most can imagine - it's not just survival skills or having been enrolled in the school of hard knocks - I believe in solutions and for that reason I managed to turn around my math in school from an F9 to a distinction in one term without tuition, but by just wearing out the exercises thin.

When in doubt, always just choose solitary confinement - that allows us space to think and latitude for solutions. Talking to friends will help some, but there is a danger that we will decide on our friends preferred solution, not something necessarily best for us.
It has always worked for me -
It doesn't matter if I find myself alone in this space because even amongst people I feel alone - so that's secondary.
I trust my instincts and I believe that when we do this often enough, we will heal.

Yes, I am very badly hurt - not because my marriage failed, but because as I'm undoing this, I was expected to understand how depressed that made the other party - he forgot that for more than 6 years now, I have been clinically depressed because I felt trapped and left to manage everything, from wanting to be a good mother to having a career - to balancing my neurotic mother and my ungrateful first-born and my lying ex-husband.

So, yes, people to me just complicate matters - I learn that from experience -
and my advice is always to sort it out alone - some may need some guidance in their thoughts, but that's it, guidance, not solutions. Solutions, we have to find from within us, without help.
Only then can we manage to wake up the next day and see the day through to sunset.

August 08, 2008

if a limb is bad, chop it off

When a limb is bad, cut it off.
That was told to me a long time ago, when I was 20+ and did not know much it entails when it concerned hacking up a part of the body.

Today is 080808, the opening of the Beijing Olympic games and the local big Toto draw.
But today is a day full of disgust for me.

I finally found legal representation for my divorce. It's not easy to appoint one, simply because not all lawyers are as helpful. Lawyers tend to be indifferent because for them it's just a process of words being exchanged on paper and as long as they stick to it, they would have done their job. Also, a lot are charging an arm and a leg for this process - making the saying true that it's cheaper to get married than to get divorced.
I thought that was a good way to end my day (got this brainwave at about 4pm) until I broke the news to the soon-to-be-ex.
He asked me why bother to divorce if it costs so much.

And so, my peaceful day overturned and volcanic me erupted.

I didn't want to get into another lengthy discussion, so I reminded him to thank god that he just began his depression, because I have been depressed for more than 6 years now - almost went on prozac - and although I never was near suicidal, all other limits were crossed.
People don't change and for that reason we mustn't have any expectation that they would. After every disagreement, couples will give in for a bit, but this is never permanent and everyone will get into their ole comfy bedroom shoes and the rig-ma-role will begin all over again.

I took this opportunity to tell him that for this very reason, he's being divorced - that we are never on the same page of the book at the same time - he expects me to cut him slack - at the time when we are discussing terms.

I, on the other hand, manage my emotions so well that unless I choose to allow those emotions to be shared, it will be kept pretty much locked up unlike him, who gets upset and tells me he's not - which to me is a lie - I will say i'm upset when I am - and leave it at that - life goes on.
We cannot change everything and definately not everyone.
So when we cannot get the better of a situation, we just have to deal with it.
A show of upset ain't going to fix it.
And if after so many years of life, a person cannot relate to that equation, then it's obvious that they are on some planet which allows for such control that's why they have this hope.

This marriage failed because I married someone who thought he married someone who loved him more. He admitted that to me before when I asked for a divorce.
What he didn't realise then was the fact that I didn't love him - I cared about what happens to him - I cared a lot. That got muddled up with love - after tons of explanations years ago, he agreed that we didn't marry because of love, it was circumstances that made it happen. Now, I'm back to before that explanation and agreement.

I decided to end my day with a PERIOD and told him:
For this reason, we should not have married, because when I say something, I mean it, when you say something (like understand something) you don't, simply because your mind doesn't and cannot retain information and it becomes my problem at a later date.

So, never wait till the limb goes bad to chop it off - because gangrene spreads and before you know it, you'll have to chop off your head.

August 07, 2008

mullah chasing person

There are times when we wonder, whether we are better off doing something else - the other side of the grass is always greener syndrome.
For me, the something else can never stray far away from charging a fee for something - I have tried, but the mullah from this trade is always enticing.
I have never been in a job where I had to sit from 9 - 5 and stayed on that job for more than a year. That's just experience talking.
Sure, in my younger years, I did temp work and even picked up calls during school hols.

But chasing for mullah the service/consult way is literally chasing. We have to always be client-oriented and politically n politely correct without being offensive - so that we get to do our job with the least amount of glitches.

I have taught for a good many years and although the job is satisfying, it doesn't create an arena for me to take on challenges - the only challenge I ever had teaching was to fill up the record book on time for the principal to sign.

Therefore, I am concluding that some people like me are just suited to do chasing work. It's energy sapping, but we tend to stay on longer - no necessarily with the same organisation, but stay longer to at least become a better wheeling and dealing machinery.

Of course, with time and age, it gets to you - and we want to opt for something more sedentary. Usually it'll be for a short stint because if a person is a driver he will not be content to be just the passenger thereafter - because you cannot take control of where you want to go, since you're not really generating income for the organisation.

So, although people say, it doesn't matter who generates the income in the company - believe me, it does matter, because the organisation is as successful as the income it generates, nothing else.

What's in the age?

A very good looking boy, I must say boy, because he's a good 20 years younger than I, asked me if he could buy me coffee sometime, if I didn't mind the age difference.
A few questions cropped up.
First - it's just coffee, so if I am free and don't mind the company, what's the big deal.
Second - he doesn't believe I'm the age I say I am, so maybe that's why he doesn't mind
Third - he's just being fresh

Whatever it is that is a cliche in this meeting is not something that would bother me - because it has always been about the person in totality, never about how he looked, what colour he is, or what's his educational level. I enjoy a person's company because they have an interesting take on life - if someone is going to pop out of an SOP then I won't be keen to even have a brief conversation, let alone coffee.

He's not local, so it's expected that most are just keen on partying and exchanging fluids with the local girls. He's probably no different except that he's very polite and so far has not been even remotely cocky. How did I bump into him? Well, believe it or not, I was buying stuff (as usual), that's when I get chatted up with, because it's the only time I'm actually standing at a spot longer than 5 seconds. He asked for a card and I gave, because for me, it's always a possible referral business and he's not on our wanted list. Name cards are exchanged times over with no fanfare.

So, what's in the age?
Nothing except for putting candles on the cake because from my most recent experience, people who are 10 years older than I, have failed to make-it correctly in terms of wisdom or behavior, throwing tantrums and accusing others of behaving like a kid.

It's not about how many years we have been on earth, but it's about how many of those life lessons we have learnt and practised so that we are better people for others and ourselves. It's pointless to have a coffee if the conversation is going to center around the weather and everything else that doesn't matter.

August 04, 2008

What is a TOP job

I was working on some demographics and came across some interesting local income figures. The highest income earner (of the TOP 100 jobs here) earns $30K, the lowest $4600.

Wow, that's something to think about. So if we crossed the $4600 marker, that would qualify us to be in the TOP 100 paying jobs - QUESTION : so what?

Because in another statistics survey, I found that the average income of all residents household is $6800 if one person works, not both.

Taking figures on face value - it's not so kosher to be in the TOP 100 paying job, yet not making it as an average household. This is serious business. I cannot come up with some demographic template, when I cannot draw a parallel with figures I obviously pulled out from a more than reliable source.

Does that mean that making it to the TOP 100 paying job, will not help that person be an average household here - i.e. you could be in the socially correct job, yet not be economically correct by demographics - this is a bummer.

We better stop planning about what kind of career we want our kids to have since there's this confusion in how the mullah is actually distributed. We may just be better off working on some obscure job but having our income fit the figures column of the TOP 100 paying job - doesn't matter if there is no name for what we do - the bottom line is always what's lining the pocket - linen or just polyester - better still, it could just be a show-pocket - one that is there but doesn't serve the function.

It's never about appearances - it's always about substance.
It applies not just to income, but to every aspect of life.

August 03, 2008

The Dishwasher

Trouble with having a busy week is, the weekend tends to just be lazy. I spent my weekend watching TV, cleaning up the house, re-organising the cabinets and basically re-locating my kitchen moveables. Reason: The Dishwasher.
I wonder who invented the dishwasher - should google that.
For a person who is born with super sensitive skin wrt to detergents and soaps, this gadget is the best invention of all times. I don't mind doing dishes, but after a day or so, my skin will break out - soap allergy. Gloves don't help at all, because I'm allergic to that too - so the only way I can use those waterproof ones are to first use cotton gloves. When washing dishes, it's not the best way because you don't really know if the plate is squeaky clean with gloves on.
So, after many years of suffering, I have decided that The Dishwasher will be the solution for me. All I need now, is to convert all my dinnerware to dishwasher safe types - which I will gladly do - another excuse to go shopping.
I know that when I got a dryer, I had some people tell me that it's a power guzzler. Now I hear that The Dishwasher is a water guzzler - oh well - it's either that or I'll be spending my mullah in the clinic to fix my cracked fingers, which incidently, needs to be in almost pristine condition, to teach piano. I have tried teaching with cracked skin on my fingers and it does hurt - never mind that it takes forever to heal - since the fingers aren't a part of the body which you can always keep dry and away from soaps. Once this starts, then it will affect my body wash, facial wash, make-up, make-up remover and shampoo - so really, guzzler or not, The Dishwasher is here to make my life not a living hell.
For people like me, it's a small price to pay for painless days - when the skin breaks, it hurts and I really don't wish to be in that situation. I have been using a dishwashing brush, like a ladle, but it's not working, because the detergent will trickly down the handle and there will be some contact with the soap.
We sometimes have to decide which is more logical - and practical - what's least expensive is not always the best long-term solution.