I had my gf's daughter for 4 hours yesterday. She has been living like a detainee for 3 months, getting a one hour visit from her mother weekly. No internet access, no handphone - one 3-minute call to her mother each week.
When I brought her home, she went straight for the computer to check her Friendster and Hotmail - then to Youtube. I shouldn't be surprised that a 13 year old is so bogged down by the internet, since that has been a social must for most adults and kids. It's one way of effortless interacting, pseudo or otherwise.
In between her pizza and chicken wings, she was busy clearing her mail - spoke to her mother who is away and I could hear her joking with my son, who is on another computer, gaming.
When it was time to send her back, she reluctantly changed, asked if she could use one of my bags. She didn't wear the same clothes she wore when I picked her up - she used one of my traditional outfits, my bag - brushed her hair, said her goodbyes and we left.
It was painful to watch and worse still to be a part of her 'detention' for a bit longer. But I'm sure it was the best 4 hours she had in 3 months - and her wanting to borrow my stuff meant a lot more than just borrowing. She clutched the rugsack so tightly in the cab and sat very close to me, as if not wanting to let me go. I hugged her tight at the gate and told her that I'll see her Wednesday with her Mushroom Swiss meal.
I may be strict sometimes, but I don't have what it takes to punish kids this way. At least when they are not wayward and are victims of their parents bickering. I don't believe in sparing the rod and spoiling the child either preferring to use reason especially when they are teenagers and if that doesn't work then I will let reality be their check and balances. If they mess up, they will have to pick themselves up and fix it - perhaps it's harsh, but learning things the hard way is sometimes better for them.
Next weekend, she will be with me.
I have no idea how we are going to make it more worthwhile other than having her and my son on their respective computers - which seems to be what teenagers 'live' for. What would we do if the world doesn't have the internet? Would we take more pains to spend quality time? The internet seems to have overtaken our personal space as well. I certainly do not wish to have her online for the entire weekend!
Well, there must be some other ways of spending time, right?
Or is there?
November 30, 2008
November 28, 2008
Empathy - do we need it?
Empathy is the most talked about issue in social work - if one cannot feel for another person, how would one understand their plight and how does one be effective?
Speaking for myself, who is Empathy-less; it's great if that is part of your personality make-up and it's not damning if it's not. Although many of my ex-colleagues would readily agree that I do not let emotions get in the way of work, they also know that the quality of my delivery is still very much up to standard. I may not express my emotions the way another person does during sessions, but I do not disregard the presence of emotional turmoil the client is feeling - being without empathy is staying firmly outside so that I am able to look in with clarity.
The caseworker from hell, is different - she has total disregard for her clients by exhibiting rudeness and careless attitude, which should not be. It's not empathy that we need to have but some sense of humanity and humility. After all, when dealing with families who clearly have a weak framework, modeling is probably the best way as a first step towards healing. When we externalise our own issues in the presence of a client, it clearly shows that we are wounded and it has gone out of control. If we had been in control, it would never manifest its ugliness.
It's not empathy that we need to effectively work a case - it's a love for human kind that will get us through. Genuine sincerity and concern for the well-being of another soul, is the kindest gesture anyone can share with another - seeking nothing in return. There will be times when such concern is met with scorn, but if we have patience, it will be returned, after all, how long can a person go on being nasty when all they are receiving in return is politeness.
It's not that some people are deserving of kindness, but being kind doesn't mean rude. It means finding the best way to deliver a message - and there are many ways in solving a problem - being kind doesn't mean we have to be evasive about what we are saying, it's being direct without being patronising and it's being honest without being judgemental.
Therefore, I think it's incorrect that Empathy is critical - If I were in a train wreck and a crisis intervention team came up to me and put their arms around me as a consolation, I would turn around and slap her. She probably knows Empathy to be that way, but she doesn't know me, and I am not into hugs and stuff - which may back-fire. I have watched many clips where counselors do that. Perhaps for them it's their way of telling a person they feel for them.
For me, contact is personal and my space is restricted.
Cut the bull and get to the point.
Bottom Line: Empathy is not required - but love for another is.
Speaking for myself, who is Empathy-less; it's great if that is part of your personality make-up and it's not damning if it's not. Although many of my ex-colleagues would readily agree that I do not let emotions get in the way of work, they also know that the quality of my delivery is still very much up to standard. I may not express my emotions the way another person does during sessions, but I do not disregard the presence of emotional turmoil the client is feeling - being without empathy is staying firmly outside so that I am able to look in with clarity.
The caseworker from hell, is different - she has total disregard for her clients by exhibiting rudeness and careless attitude, which should not be. It's not empathy that we need to have but some sense of humanity and humility. After all, when dealing with families who clearly have a weak framework, modeling is probably the best way as a first step towards healing. When we externalise our own issues in the presence of a client, it clearly shows that we are wounded and it has gone out of control. If we had been in control, it would never manifest its ugliness.
It's not empathy that we need to effectively work a case - it's a love for human kind that will get us through. Genuine sincerity and concern for the well-being of another soul, is the kindest gesture anyone can share with another - seeking nothing in return. There will be times when such concern is met with scorn, but if we have patience, it will be returned, after all, how long can a person go on being nasty when all they are receiving in return is politeness.
It's not that some people are deserving of kindness, but being kind doesn't mean rude. It means finding the best way to deliver a message - and there are many ways in solving a problem - being kind doesn't mean we have to be evasive about what we are saying, it's being direct without being patronising and it's being honest without being judgemental.
Therefore, I think it's incorrect that Empathy is critical - If I were in a train wreck and a crisis intervention team came up to me and put their arms around me as a consolation, I would turn around and slap her. She probably knows Empathy to be that way, but she doesn't know me, and I am not into hugs and stuff - which may back-fire. I have watched many clips where counselors do that. Perhaps for them it's their way of telling a person they feel for them.
For me, contact is personal and my space is restricted.
Cut the bull and get to the point.
Bottom Line: Empathy is not required - but love for another is.
November 27, 2008
Say what you mean
I was watching an episode of Cashmere Mafia last nite - and it was interesting that it was about men who generally are unable to accept a more successful woman. Men have hang-ups about women who are not helpless and seeking their 'help' whatever it may be.
There may be some truth to it, since my male classmate thinks that way too. We were just having a casual conversation about relationships - the mess he's in etc, and this bit came up. Without paraphrasing, he did say that it may be taken that a woman refused him more than his help when offered. It's funny when all this time, I know that men think women never say what we mean, but taken in this context, apparently, they don't either.
When dealing with a woman, who is a professional by her own merit, often, she means what she says - and by that I'm refuting the myth that women never say what they mean. Forget the male ego - but if a man is unable to cope with a woman who knows what she wants, then does that mean that men can only attend to women who are always in need - the lady in distress syndrome?
So what happens to women who are able to stand on their own two feet, women who speak their minds and mean what they say? Women who generally do not need to be 'fathered'?
I think this is a huge underlying problem in reality because this is the reality. When a woman seeks a good friendship, it doesn't mean she is in dire need of tending to, she may just need some good companionship. Both parties in a relationship need tending to, when the situation calls for it, but it never does mean that she's in more of a need than him. There will be times she may need his tenderness more than he needing hers - but isn't that part of what relationships are all about? The give and take?
I thought this to be interesting because this is happening in the real world.
I know, because I'm a professional and my guy classmate thinks I cope too well which could be rather scary for guys - we are both trained in the same field, and he still has this hang-up - imagine that - we are study mates and maintain a good friendship off and on campus.
And so, where does this leave me?
I have no clue except that this is me and any one who cares enough about me, would be expected to function at the same level yet know that if I really didn't need him, he wouldn't be anywhere within my circle. What I mean to say is: If I didn't need a guy friend, to be my conscience, my buddy, my sanity, then he wouldn't even have had the opportunity to come close - he would be seen as either a rival or someone not worth my personal time.
There may be some truth to it, since my male classmate thinks that way too. We were just having a casual conversation about relationships - the mess he's in etc, and this bit came up. Without paraphrasing, he did say that it may be taken that a woman refused him more than his help when offered. It's funny when all this time, I know that men think women never say what we mean, but taken in this context, apparently, they don't either.
When dealing with a woman, who is a professional by her own merit, often, she means what she says - and by that I'm refuting the myth that women never say what they mean. Forget the male ego - but if a man is unable to cope with a woman who knows what she wants, then does that mean that men can only attend to women who are always in need - the lady in distress syndrome?
So what happens to women who are able to stand on their own two feet, women who speak their minds and mean what they say? Women who generally do not need to be 'fathered'?
I think this is a huge underlying problem in reality because this is the reality. When a woman seeks a good friendship, it doesn't mean she is in dire need of tending to, she may just need some good companionship. Both parties in a relationship need tending to, when the situation calls for it, but it never does mean that she's in more of a need than him. There will be times she may need his tenderness more than he needing hers - but isn't that part of what relationships are all about? The give and take?
I thought this to be interesting because this is happening in the real world.
I know, because I'm a professional and my guy classmate thinks I cope too well which could be rather scary for guys - we are both trained in the same field, and he still has this hang-up - imagine that - we are study mates and maintain a good friendship off and on campus.
And so, where does this leave me?
I have no clue except that this is me and any one who cares enough about me, would be expected to function at the same level yet know that if I really didn't need him, he wouldn't be anywhere within my circle. What I mean to say is: If I didn't need a guy friend, to be my conscience, my buddy, my sanity, then he wouldn't even have had the opportunity to come close - he would be seen as either a rival or someone not worth my personal time.
November 25, 2008
what i got to do, i got to do
When it comes to having patience, I would be one of those who has very little of it.
Time is very precious to me - I learnt this from having to be a juggler of work, mothering, maid, owner to different species of pets and whatever else that comes my way in terms of responsibilities and commitments. Therefore, when I had to wait 7 days for a response from the authority about my gf's 13-year old, that almost cost me a blown fuse. I didn't have patience when I was told at 10am that the person would return my call, so when the return call didn't get to me, I called them at a 2-hourly interval. Finally, my phone rang, this morning, exactly 8 days. They were coming to see me.
I did tell them that no matter how busy, an email would suffice - I needed to know where they were at - if I didn't care enough, I wouldn't bother. I am sure, in that 45 minutes they were in my home, they could sum me up - I didn't mince my words - I was as cut and dry as I come.
I reminded them that as caseworkers, their job was to put the welfare of the child foremost - forget about what the parents were doing to each other - the child needs to come first and that we were not required to take sides or even form an impression. People need to be reminded, simply because when they read a file, they think oh, what a screwed up person etc etc., which is really uncalled for. No one, deserves such judgement - unless you are the injured party - onlookers should just be aware of the facts and work for the best solution for the child -
They seem to have digested my email well, having remembered where I last worked in their industry. They seem impressed and I'm not embarassed to say that they should be. I may be really empathy-less and cut n dry at work, but most times, when dealing in social services, that is required. Why bother about crying with the client if we cannot provide a workable solution. Why bother to get all emotional when they are in dire straits because someone has to be able to think straight and it ain't going to be the client.
I don't know what I am getting myself into - all I know that, it's what I got to do.
I cannot leave this kid there.
Time is very precious to me - I learnt this from having to be a juggler of work, mothering, maid, owner to different species of pets and whatever else that comes my way in terms of responsibilities and commitments. Therefore, when I had to wait 7 days for a response from the authority about my gf's 13-year old, that almost cost me a blown fuse. I didn't have patience when I was told at 10am that the person would return my call, so when the return call didn't get to me, I called them at a 2-hourly interval. Finally, my phone rang, this morning, exactly 8 days. They were coming to see me.
I did tell them that no matter how busy, an email would suffice - I needed to know where they were at - if I didn't care enough, I wouldn't bother. I am sure, in that 45 minutes they were in my home, they could sum me up - I didn't mince my words - I was as cut and dry as I come.
I reminded them that as caseworkers, their job was to put the welfare of the child foremost - forget about what the parents were doing to each other - the child needs to come first and that we were not required to take sides or even form an impression. People need to be reminded, simply because when they read a file, they think oh, what a screwed up person etc etc., which is really uncalled for. No one, deserves such judgement - unless you are the injured party - onlookers should just be aware of the facts and work for the best solution for the child -
They seem to have digested my email well, having remembered where I last worked in their industry. They seem impressed and I'm not embarassed to say that they should be. I may be really empathy-less and cut n dry at work, but most times, when dealing in social services, that is required. Why bother about crying with the client if we cannot provide a workable solution. Why bother to get all emotional when they are in dire straits because someone has to be able to think straight and it ain't going to be the client.
I don't know what I am getting myself into - all I know that, it's what I got to do.
I cannot leave this kid there.
November 24, 2008
divorces
It must be the year for divorces - by that I do not mean just marital - I have had clients who have 'divorced' their parent, their job, their matrimonial home i.e living separately and those who actually divorced their spouses, including myself. This morning, I met another client, who has filed for divorce and is disposing their matrimonial home.
Perhaps it's not a year for 'divorces' but one of a fresh start.
It's really strange, but perhaps because my situation is similar, I tend to be more attentive and hence noticing the trend is not surprising. Perhaps marriage is really not necessary because if I actually went through my contact list, I'll be able to find many who have at least filed for divorce once and is actually in a 2nd marriage, or still single.
For the many reasons that people cite to get the divorce, the most common would be irreconciliable differences - in lay terms, it means they have grown apart, which happens to the best of couples simply because although people do not change, our expectations will change over time as the dynamics changes. When that happens, our coping mechanisms are stretched and again, if we feel that its too much of a compromise, then we decide to throw in the towel - if we feel that we are ok to stretch our patience and keep the peace, then we do.
Therefore, whether we actually decide on a new course of life for ourselves, would depend upon what we hold to be most important. Some do really great and make-do. Some others like myself, are just not prepared to make-do and prefer a life on our own, which isn't a bad thing, if you're seriously independent and frankly, what else can a marriage offer besides compromise after compromise.
I am not speaking because I am jaded about marriage. I am not. I have come to terms with who I am. I have gfs who are unhappily married yet hang in there for years - I respect that decision. I was once there, hanging on until I felt that the time was correct i.e. the changes will affect a least number of people who are connected to this marriage. So although I hung on, I had a mental deadline - and when the deadline was crossed, everything just got set into motion.
It's not that marriages are bad, it's just bad for some people.
Perhaps it's not a year for 'divorces' but one of a fresh start.
It's really strange, but perhaps because my situation is similar, I tend to be more attentive and hence noticing the trend is not surprising. Perhaps marriage is really not necessary because if I actually went through my contact list, I'll be able to find many who have at least filed for divorce once and is actually in a 2nd marriage, or still single.
For the many reasons that people cite to get the divorce, the most common would be irreconciliable differences - in lay terms, it means they have grown apart, which happens to the best of couples simply because although people do not change, our expectations will change over time as the dynamics changes. When that happens, our coping mechanisms are stretched and again, if we feel that its too much of a compromise, then we decide to throw in the towel - if we feel that we are ok to stretch our patience and keep the peace, then we do.
Therefore, whether we actually decide on a new course of life for ourselves, would depend upon what we hold to be most important. Some do really great and make-do. Some others like myself, are just not prepared to make-do and prefer a life on our own, which isn't a bad thing, if you're seriously independent and frankly, what else can a marriage offer besides compromise after compromise.
I am not speaking because I am jaded about marriage. I am not. I have come to terms with who I am. I have gfs who are unhappily married yet hang in there for years - I respect that decision. I was once there, hanging on until I felt that the time was correct i.e. the changes will affect a least number of people who are connected to this marriage. So although I hung on, I had a mental deadline - and when the deadline was crossed, everything just got set into motion.
It's not that marriages are bad, it's just bad for some people.
November 23, 2008
eyes on the ball
We have a bit more than a month to 2009.
Interesting thought - although we all do not know what the future holds for us, we still manage to get by, year after year ; surprises after surprises.
For the many years that have passed, this will be one year I probably will remember the most, because I finally got back on track, my original track in my goals.
I know that at least one of my gf has summed up this year as the worst in her life - she's been through 3 marriages in 46 years. Sometimes I think its a bad year, sometimes I think it's so-so; but all in all, I think it's important note that this would be the year I actually started my post-grad programme which is now halfway there, considering, I have enrolled twice before and never got it going because of work commitments.
When the morning comes, it's time to dress the tree, to begin my christmas reflection. Every year I talk about nostalgia, yes, it's december approaching. It's stock-taking time. It's a time to remember life and what it means to be living. To thank GOD, for the graces that he has given us, to remember that there is so much of suffering in this world so that we are appreciative of having our little luxuries.
And so the countdown begins with my looking back. This probably is the only time in each year that I look back, really look because once we hit December 31st, our eyes should be peeled forward to keep our focus - someone told me before - keep your eyes on the ball and don't loose sight of it.
Interesting thought - although we all do not know what the future holds for us, we still manage to get by, year after year ; surprises after surprises.
For the many years that have passed, this will be one year I probably will remember the most, because I finally got back on track, my original track in my goals.
I know that at least one of my gf has summed up this year as the worst in her life - she's been through 3 marriages in 46 years. Sometimes I think its a bad year, sometimes I think it's so-so; but all in all, I think it's important note that this would be the year I actually started my post-grad programme which is now halfway there, considering, I have enrolled twice before and never got it going because of work commitments.
When the morning comes, it's time to dress the tree, to begin my christmas reflection. Every year I talk about nostalgia, yes, it's december approaching. It's stock-taking time. It's a time to remember life and what it means to be living. To thank GOD, for the graces that he has given us, to remember that there is so much of suffering in this world so that we are appreciative of having our little luxuries.
And so the countdown begins with my looking back. This probably is the only time in each year that I look back, really look because once we hit December 31st, our eyes should be peeled forward to keep our focus - someone told me before - keep your eyes on the ball and don't loose sight of it.
November 21, 2008
we do not read minds
Of the many things that bother me, the most bothersome is when I realise that someone I know fails terribly in the sincerity department. I consider myself pretty good at summing up a person - I'm seldom wrong about people. I do not judge a person when they fall short of some trait made popular by society - because I have my own set of scales. You cannot have every person on this planet, a photocopy of the next person - we need variety and mix, just so the world is colourful - it was meant to be like this. We take the good and the bad and we decide whether we can live with it. I'm fine with that, until that person becomes judgemental of others - that to me, is the ultimate sin.
This year alone - there had been 2 occasions when friends, who are discussing other people in our 'social circle', make references to some character of the person in question AND adds this statement : "I'm not a psychologist, yet I know that".
Question : Why must people say things like that?
Question : Why do people think psychologists read minds?
That is the poorest misconception about my profession which has existed for donkey years! I have been trained in this field, but certainly, no module ever covered HOW TO READ MINDS!
And why must they belittle themselves - thinking like a professional at work, that is telling me something about them - which they volunteered, yet if they got wind that I know their hang up, it's because I'm reading their mind! *duh!
Sometimes I think people think that we think that we are the cream of the graduating crop. Well, there is some truth to that, because this is not an easy field of work at all - because it has to do with abstracts and unknowns - it's not as specific as being a math major or an econs major - we deal with people and we heal people like doctors only our healing is with their mental state and doctors treat the somatic symptoms. I have not met a snobbish psychology major, we are all very friendly people - just misunderstood by the people who do not know about our profession.
A close friend told me this when she was talking about another gf of mine, disagreeing with how this gf is handling her bad situation with her kids.
I didn't want to get into an argument, so I simply brushed her off with a one liner
"I don't judge her, I accept her for who and what she represents. I've known her for too many years like you, and I have come to terms with her ways".
When we decide to share a friendship, especially with the few who have somehow touched our lives, we take them wholesale - lock, stock and barrel - good and the bad - that's friendship - it sees no boundaries and it offers a helping hand - even if that means going out on a limb. When we extend a helping hand, we expect nothing in return - that is friendship. When we have expectations of receiving some returns, then that's business.
It was at the tip of my tongue to tell her off, but because I also have known this close friend for too many years, I stopped. This rule applies to her as well.
I'm not perfect - I just accept people for WHO they are and I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure they accept my acid tongue sometimes and my lack of empathy all the time. But I felt sad, because I expected more from this close friend simply because it's sad to see how people guard their comfort so carefully that they forget to actually feel and think.
I know she's upset that I'm offering to foster my gf's kid - but that's my decision and I am compromising my comfort to accommodate this child - my sacrifice - not hers.
This childs mother needs my help and I have offered willingly. I have done it before for her other kid and I'm doing this for this kid too. I don't care if I have to cancel my australian holiday because I have an additional responsibility, because an australian holiday isn't going to mean I made it in life.
I would have made it in life, if I know I have done the right thing at the right time for the right person, in this case it's for a 13 year old kid, who used to camp in my home during the holidays, from the time she was a toddler. She needs me now, and so does her mother. My close friend expects me to just comfort her and walk away.
If that was me, I think I would rather just od on prozac.
Perhaps this problem came at the correct time - I'm so pre-occupied making this girl feel right that for now, I have put my own depression aside, because this child needs to be mended and she hugged me so tightly with tears rolling down her cheeks that her needs has to come before mine.
Someone told me that I'm made of 'sterner' stuff - he's right - and because I am, being clinically depressed is something I can switch off - it's gone onto the back burner - not really possible for regular people - but I draw my strength from that and hence my survival in one physically abusive and one loveless marriage. that, is another story
This year alone - there had been 2 occasions when friends, who are discussing other people in our 'social circle', make references to some character of the person in question AND adds this statement : "I'm not a psychologist, yet I know that".
Question : Why must people say things like that?
Question : Why do people think psychologists read minds?
That is the poorest misconception about my profession which has existed for donkey years! I have been trained in this field, but certainly, no module ever covered HOW TO READ MINDS!
And why must they belittle themselves - thinking like a professional at work, that is telling me something about them - which they volunteered, yet if they got wind that I know their hang up, it's because I'm reading their mind! *duh!
Sometimes I think people think that we think that we are the cream of the graduating crop. Well, there is some truth to that, because this is not an easy field of work at all - because it has to do with abstracts and unknowns - it's not as specific as being a math major or an econs major - we deal with people and we heal people like doctors only our healing is with their mental state and doctors treat the somatic symptoms. I have not met a snobbish psychology major, we are all very friendly people - just misunderstood by the people who do not know about our profession.
A close friend told me this when she was talking about another gf of mine, disagreeing with how this gf is handling her bad situation with her kids.
I didn't want to get into an argument, so I simply brushed her off with a one liner
"I don't judge her, I accept her for who and what she represents. I've known her for too many years like you, and I have come to terms with her ways".
When we decide to share a friendship, especially with the few who have somehow touched our lives, we take them wholesale - lock, stock and barrel - good and the bad - that's friendship - it sees no boundaries and it offers a helping hand - even if that means going out on a limb. When we extend a helping hand, we expect nothing in return - that is friendship. When we have expectations of receiving some returns, then that's business.
It was at the tip of my tongue to tell her off, but because I also have known this close friend for too many years, I stopped. This rule applies to her as well.
I'm not perfect - I just accept people for WHO they are and I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure they accept my acid tongue sometimes and my lack of empathy all the time. But I felt sad, because I expected more from this close friend simply because it's sad to see how people guard their comfort so carefully that they forget to actually feel and think.
I know she's upset that I'm offering to foster my gf's kid - but that's my decision and I am compromising my comfort to accommodate this child - my sacrifice - not hers.
This childs mother needs my help and I have offered willingly. I have done it before for her other kid and I'm doing this for this kid too. I don't care if I have to cancel my australian holiday because I have an additional responsibility, because an australian holiday isn't going to mean I made it in life.
I would have made it in life, if I know I have done the right thing at the right time for the right person, in this case it's for a 13 year old kid, who used to camp in my home during the holidays, from the time she was a toddler. She needs me now, and so does her mother. My close friend expects me to just comfort her and walk away.
If that was me, I think I would rather just od on prozac.
Perhaps this problem came at the correct time - I'm so pre-occupied making this girl feel right that for now, I have put my own depression aside, because this child needs to be mended and she hugged me so tightly with tears rolling down her cheeks that her needs has to come before mine.
Someone told me that I'm made of 'sterner' stuff - he's right - and because I am, being clinically depressed is something I can switch off - it's gone onto the back burner - not really possible for regular people - but I draw my strength from that and hence my survival in one physically abusive and one loveless marriage. that, is another story
Sony CyberShot cell phone
This year would have to be the year, when I took the longest time ever to upgrade my phone. Because I'm not that kind of a mobile phone savvy sort, my yearly upgrade is just to utilise the free voucher - the great thing about this is, I hardly use my phone for more than 24 mths - so the phone hardly has time to start giving battery problems. It's an inexpensive way to not be inconvenienced - my upgrades are usually free (of course) and I get to use the latest phone (almost).
This time around, I had to change phone maker type - Motorola to Sony Ericsson - not by choice, by more because Motorola didn't have anything that expensive to cover the voucher. Sony has just launched their CyberShot phone and I got one. I didn't get the one with the keyboard coz I really don't need all the functions - preferring to just use a phone for just that. I dumped my Palm coz after using it for a year, I decided that a paper diary functions better for my kind of work - where I need to find information/mtgs/dates very quickly and it could back-date a couple of mths, without me knowing which exact month. And so, I am now using this phone - which is very different - I must say it does feel easier to use -yet because the function keys are still not set the same as the Motorola, composing an sms text message is still slower. I used Sony many years ago, and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
I have found other functions and for once, I managed to transfer files etc by myself, instead of relying on the service provider to do it for me - they are really great in that, they accommodate my insufficient knowledge to successfully do it by myself.
I have no idea what this phone does, I just know it has a huge memory card and some 8 megapixels on its camera. I haven't read the manual yet, but will come around to it once I find the new functions.
Will start to use the camera on the phone to see just how easy downloading will be and if the photo quality is great.
This time around, I had to change phone maker type - Motorola to Sony Ericsson - not by choice, by more because Motorola didn't have anything that expensive to cover the voucher. Sony has just launched their CyberShot phone and I got one. I didn't get the one with the keyboard coz I really don't need all the functions - preferring to just use a phone for just that. I dumped my Palm coz after using it for a year, I decided that a paper diary functions better for my kind of work - where I need to find information/mtgs/dates very quickly and it could back-date a couple of mths, without me knowing which exact month. And so, I am now using this phone - which is very different - I must say it does feel easier to use -yet because the function keys are still not set the same as the Motorola, composing an sms text message is still slower. I used Sony many years ago, and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
I have found other functions and for once, I managed to transfer files etc by myself, instead of relying on the service provider to do it for me - they are really great in that, they accommodate my insufficient knowledge to successfully do it by myself.
I have no idea what this phone does, I just know it has a huge memory card and some 8 megapixels on its camera. I haven't read the manual yet, but will come around to it once I find the new functions.
Will start to use the camera on the phone to see just how easy downloading will be and if the photo quality is great.
November 20, 2008
dual color for the tree
I have finally decided to forget about blue lights - I thought yellow lights would break the monotony. It's prettier like this, not so boring.
Anyways, let's see if I'll change my mind again - will let it sit for a couple of days and once I decide, I'll finish dressing up the tree. Perhaps then, I'll feel better.
So far, the cats haven't climbed the tree yet - all other years before, they were very busy late at night re-decorating the tree.
I''m not sure what's going on top of the tree - it's usually star, but well, i may want to look for something different. Let's see what I come up with since i still have time, it's not even december yet....I've never taken this long to do a tree - it's usually done like at one go....but well, change is sometimes good. At least I would like to think so. And because I have tons of other chores to get done, this is the least stressful way. If I could only just not have this compulsion to keep moving furniture around, I think housework will be manageable. But old habits die hard - and it's just one of those things I do as therapy, when I have not decided to haul out the paint brushes - which is definately a lot more work. I wouldn't rule it out, but lets see what happens.
I haven't painted any walls this year and it's been the worst year in terms of stress, which means I'm still coping. My last resort for anything is to paint. It could also be it's because I'm quite tied up with work which doesn't leave me with much time to actually go get cans of paint. It might change once I'm done with the last project before the close of the year...so let's see.
I do have some idea which wall needs to be repainted - it's just when the stress is going to hit me and painting is the only thing that would fix my mind.
November 19, 2008
to kill a mocking bird
There are times when I wish the world was made up of people who could actually put themselves in another's shoes, walk around in them, before coming to any conclusions. I did the book TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD when I was in secondary 3 for lit., and till today, the book is serving it's 'social purpose', by adding the lessons to my value system.
I think when we decide to comment, we should and must always think before engaging our mouths. I have always maintained that, whatever we say can never be retracted once it's said - and whatever non-verbal cues we choose to adopt would be very telling and can be hurtful.
Yes, I'm still fixated at the caseworkers attitude towards my gf. Yes, I have gone with her to the authority on Child Protection, spoken to them and they have obviously spoken to this caseworker and she was definately less hostile towards me than she is towards my gf, who is the mother of the child in question.
Is everything about face value?
It should not be.
Just because I am a professional doesn't mean it gives her the right to treat me with more respect than my gf who is just a housewife who is being falsely accused.
This society is so dysfunctional that it disgusts me.
It should not be part of my stress, but it is because society is part of our environment and to have to adapt to such lame behaviour day in day out is really tiring. For this reason, I do not socialise too much, because I tend to pick these things out really quickly - it's like oozing out from their pores. No matter what they do to hide their inability to see a person wholly, I will pick it up. It's not just my professional training that enables me to do this accurately - it's my having spent a greater part of my life, just observing people and making notes. The field of psychology merely helps me understand how messed up they are and I would decide then if I would take them to task, walk away or just ignore it.
I'm not perfect and I make that clear from the outset. All my close friends know that I will readily admit to whatever shortfalls that I have in traits. For example, I have no patience and I certainly will not tolerate a lie, no matter how small. I am not subservient and when I state my opinions, it's a done deal, no negotiations - where accommodating a behaviour. But I do not say or do what I am not. It makes me a much colder person, but at least I do not behave 'on pretext'.
I wish this caseworker would take leave from her job. She needs to work in the accounts department where things are more clear cut. Dealing with kids is certainly not her strength and having said that, she should not even work with people in need. She has to first get past her own limitations before she is able to manage a file well. I am on this issue and I will not let go until I set the record straight. Yes, it's almost a literal translation ; she's mocking my gf and i'm going to 'kill' her - forget about the moral of the story, i'm going to behave like her - face value.
I think when we decide to comment, we should and must always think before engaging our mouths. I have always maintained that, whatever we say can never be retracted once it's said - and whatever non-verbal cues we choose to adopt would be very telling and can be hurtful.
Yes, I'm still fixated at the caseworkers attitude towards my gf. Yes, I have gone with her to the authority on Child Protection, spoken to them and they have obviously spoken to this caseworker and she was definately less hostile towards me than she is towards my gf, who is the mother of the child in question.
Is everything about face value?
It should not be.
Just because I am a professional doesn't mean it gives her the right to treat me with more respect than my gf who is just a housewife who is being falsely accused.
This society is so dysfunctional that it disgusts me.
It should not be part of my stress, but it is because society is part of our environment and to have to adapt to such lame behaviour day in day out is really tiring. For this reason, I do not socialise too much, because I tend to pick these things out really quickly - it's like oozing out from their pores. No matter what they do to hide their inability to see a person wholly, I will pick it up. It's not just my professional training that enables me to do this accurately - it's my having spent a greater part of my life, just observing people and making notes. The field of psychology merely helps me understand how messed up they are and I would decide then if I would take them to task, walk away or just ignore it.
I'm not perfect and I make that clear from the outset. All my close friends know that I will readily admit to whatever shortfalls that I have in traits. For example, I have no patience and I certainly will not tolerate a lie, no matter how small. I am not subservient and when I state my opinions, it's a done deal, no negotiations - where accommodating a behaviour. But I do not say or do what I am not. It makes me a much colder person, but at least I do not behave 'on pretext'.
I wish this caseworker would take leave from her job. She needs to work in the accounts department where things are more clear cut. Dealing with kids is certainly not her strength and having said that, she should not even work with people in need. She has to first get past her own limitations before she is able to manage a file well. I am on this issue and I will not let go until I set the record straight. Yes, it's almost a literal translation ; she's mocking my gf and i'm going to 'kill' her - forget about the moral of the story, i'm going to behave like her - face value.
November 17, 2008
First Steps to Christmas
This is the first part of the Christmas season for me - lights first. I'm not really done yet - need another roll of lights since i've decided on keeping it to just one colour type this year - blue. Nothing to do with Blue Christmas, just that this year I'm all for standardisation. Must be the madness surrounding me that has caused this dire need in me for some order.It's not a great picture, but then, i'll post more as I move along to the finish line.
Actually, my favourite colour is red, but blue is calmer and perhaps that is also why I have decided on this theme for a year filled with volatility.
Sometimes I wonder why we all bother to put up the tree, spend hours working on it only to take it down right after the new year. But I suppose, when you have a christmas tree all lit up and you come home, you will be reminded that the new year is approaching and with that comes new hope and a renewed faith in the fact that GOD loves each and every one of us equally, although it doesn't always seem that way. The fact that we celebrate the birth of the Son of God, means there is hope for a better tomorrow for everyone. Let us remember that as we soak in the peace that comes with this christmas vision, there are many more children and people in the world who do not have this luxury or half this comfort that we have. Children who can only gaze at the stars overhead with no wrapped presents or warmth to remind them that they matter too. People who watch their children die of hunger and thirst.
We have a lot to be thankful for and we should be, if not for 11 months of the year, let's make December a month to remember others. The little we can do for another is a lot for them. If everyone made a small effort to remember, we will arrive at the point where everyone would have an equal chance at a decent life. Forget the commercial christmas of expensive presents - this year, give a gift from your heart. The value is not in the price tag, it's in the thought. Cliche, nope, it's the honest truth.
In your darkest moment, a Chanel bag isn't going to comfort you, but someone's guiding hand would. think about it.
November 16, 2008
Colossal Mess
Colossal Mess - probably got to this state from mess that's either accumulated or just a state where it rained mess and left this huge lump.
We can be the best managers, but when the colossal mess is a result of the latter, then we need to react real quick by putting on our efficiency hat. Fortunately, my life experiences have allowed me to multi-task everything - I have never had the luxury of a straightforward situation, whether it's work-related or not. The upside to this is, I usually find solutions real quick - think on my feet type - but the downside is, the damage it would have cost me would sometimes be quite severe - mental faculties are tightly wound up all the time.
Still, I consider myself rather fortunate - that my mental cupboards with neat little boxes are neat always. It's tiring but it's best to keep things in good mental order - so that at least when I am near a mental breakdown, it'll happen in the correct order and not random. If I know the order, I can get to it before it gets out of hand. I'm sure that makes a lot of sense.
I have been loosing sleep because of this colossal mess, but as with everything, there is an opportunity cost - mine is sleep - a busy mind cannot unwind as quickly as an idle mind. Unfortunately, I am allergic to alcohol, therefore I am not able, ever, to numb my senses. Caffeine does nothing helpful as it keeps me awake - I know that some research says that it doesn't, but whatever works for the majority, doesn't always work for me.
All I can do is take baby steps and counter the unpleasant surprises as they surface and hope for the best - that along the way, bit by bit, each situation will be solved for my counselees and friends who have come to me for informal therapy. Hopefully, with them secured and functional, my life will get back to normal.
To end on a spiritual note, I would say that if I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't have landed on my lap because GOD won't do that to me, correct? I sure hope so otherwise, I would have to go trawl for His email address.
We can be the best managers, but when the colossal mess is a result of the latter, then we need to react real quick by putting on our efficiency hat. Fortunately, my life experiences have allowed me to multi-task everything - I have never had the luxury of a straightforward situation, whether it's work-related or not. The upside to this is, I usually find solutions real quick - think on my feet type - but the downside is, the damage it would have cost me would sometimes be quite severe - mental faculties are tightly wound up all the time.
Still, I consider myself rather fortunate - that my mental cupboards with neat little boxes are neat always. It's tiring but it's best to keep things in good mental order - so that at least when I am near a mental breakdown, it'll happen in the correct order and not random. If I know the order, I can get to it before it gets out of hand. I'm sure that makes a lot of sense.
I have been loosing sleep because of this colossal mess, but as with everything, there is an opportunity cost - mine is sleep - a busy mind cannot unwind as quickly as an idle mind. Unfortunately, I am allergic to alcohol, therefore I am not able, ever, to numb my senses. Caffeine does nothing helpful as it keeps me awake - I know that some research says that it doesn't, but whatever works for the majority, doesn't always work for me.
All I can do is take baby steps and counter the unpleasant surprises as they surface and hope for the best - that along the way, bit by bit, each situation will be solved for my counselees and friends who have come to me for informal therapy. Hopefully, with them secured and functional, my life will get back to normal.
To end on a spiritual note, I would say that if I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't have landed on my lap because GOD won't do that to me, correct? I sure hope so otherwise, I would have to go trawl for His email address.
November 15, 2008
Do I have a christmas tradition?
Restlessness is a state of mind. In my case, it's not from having a lack of things to do, but to get everything on the correct priority. This binge eating isn't helping me at all - anyone looking at me wouldn't think I have been loading up with high calorie food - i'm burning up more than chocolates or ice-cream can cope. I have also added cheesecake to the list - which is something I would never pass up no matter what. So, with a feeding menu like this, it's a nutritionists nightmare, but who the hell cares, since that's not my major area of training.
I have taken the christmas tree out the box. It's customary for me to just put it up for a day, before the lights and decorations are hung. It's not some christmas tradition, just that I'm fickle minded about where it should stand - it's never in the same corner because my furniture would have moved too many times over the year leaving different vacant spaces for the tree.
Besides that, no I do not observe any tradition that's related to the season of Advent. Christmas to me is very personal - it's a time for reflection and a time for giving, not necessarily in a material sense. This christmas season, I am going to give my neighbours 10 year old the beginner's lessons on playing the piano. She did ask me, since we've been neighbours for 7 years, but because it's christmas, I'm prepared to do it for free - the child will have a lifelong gift and that to me is what christmas is about. We will eventually perish and at least if I am not able to leave behind a legacy, I could leave behind a gift that would be with that child for the rest of her life. Doesn't matter if who she is, the idea is, she came to me and i'm in a position to provide her that knowledge which she would otherwise have to pay to receive.
I have asked nothing in return, except for them to reciprocate by providing religious lessons for my gf's daughter, who may come to live with me. They have agreed, thankfully, because I'm not a muslim and there is no way I could provide that guidance for this child - so I did pass up on collecting fees for religious education for another child - doesn't make me feel any better psychologically, but if it makes the two girls feel better about themselves, then I did something right for someone.
This is my christmas tradition, and one which lasts throughout the year.
do what you can now because you are able to - and whatever little we contribute, it will come back to us in many other ways. When we make new year resolutions, it's part of the christmas tradition, we keep that for a whole year and we take stock of that, 11mths afterwards, before christmas comes around again.
This is what christmas means to me, have always meant to me and will always mean to me.
For those who do not understand why I am the way I am, they will never understand.
There was no certain point in my life when I decided that christmas should never be about whether we receive a neat little box. I grew up with that idea, from the first time I saw the Nativity set, which must have been too many years ago.
There wasn't a cellini bed or philip stark lamp on that set - christmas began with simplicity and it should be kept that way so that we do not loose track of how the simplest gift is usually the most valuable of them all.
I may not be the best person to explain theology, but I know that a little kindness goes a long way for everyone. In a world where there is so much of pride and hostility - christmas decorations and lights, christmas carols in the malls should remind us that Christmas is not about us but about the next person who needs some light in their otherwise dark world. We should put the twinkle back into another person's eyes, if only for that one day.
That would be the best christmas gift for anyone.
It's not about compensating behaviors, it's about giving.
I have taken the christmas tree out the box. It's customary for me to just put it up for a day, before the lights and decorations are hung. It's not some christmas tradition, just that I'm fickle minded about where it should stand - it's never in the same corner because my furniture would have moved too many times over the year leaving different vacant spaces for the tree.
Besides that, no I do not observe any tradition that's related to the season of Advent. Christmas to me is very personal - it's a time for reflection and a time for giving, not necessarily in a material sense. This christmas season, I am going to give my neighbours 10 year old the beginner's lessons on playing the piano. She did ask me, since we've been neighbours for 7 years, but because it's christmas, I'm prepared to do it for free - the child will have a lifelong gift and that to me is what christmas is about. We will eventually perish and at least if I am not able to leave behind a legacy, I could leave behind a gift that would be with that child for the rest of her life. Doesn't matter if who she is, the idea is, she came to me and i'm in a position to provide her that knowledge which she would otherwise have to pay to receive.
I have asked nothing in return, except for them to reciprocate by providing religious lessons for my gf's daughter, who may come to live with me. They have agreed, thankfully, because I'm not a muslim and there is no way I could provide that guidance for this child - so I did pass up on collecting fees for religious education for another child - doesn't make me feel any better psychologically, but if it makes the two girls feel better about themselves, then I did something right for someone.
This is my christmas tradition, and one which lasts throughout the year.
do what you can now because you are able to - and whatever little we contribute, it will come back to us in many other ways. When we make new year resolutions, it's part of the christmas tradition, we keep that for a whole year and we take stock of that, 11mths afterwards, before christmas comes around again.
This is what christmas means to me, have always meant to me and will always mean to me.
For those who do not understand why I am the way I am, they will never understand.
There was no certain point in my life when I decided that christmas should never be about whether we receive a neat little box. I grew up with that idea, from the first time I saw the Nativity set, which must have been too many years ago.
There wasn't a cellini bed or philip stark lamp on that set - christmas began with simplicity and it should be kept that way so that we do not loose track of how the simplest gift is usually the most valuable of them all.
I may not be the best person to explain theology, but I know that a little kindness goes a long way for everyone. In a world where there is so much of pride and hostility - christmas decorations and lights, christmas carols in the malls should remind us that Christmas is not about us but about the next person who needs some light in their otherwise dark world. We should put the twinkle back into another person's eyes, if only for that one day.
That would be the best christmas gift for anyone.
It's not about compensating behaviors, it's about giving.
If your jobs' not cut out for you - please go
When your job becomes just a job, then it's time to move on.
This is especially true in the social services sector when the welfare of another human is hanging on the balance. It doesn't matter if the person in context is aged sick, teenager, child, or adult. Social services = welfare which doesn't mean half-baked solutions.
Assuming all caseworkers employed within the system here are sufficiently qualified by international standards, then they should know that it's UNETHICAL to continue working on the job, managing files when they are unable to not break the codes. There is no excuse.
After 4 straight years in social services, I took a sabbatical. It's been 7 years, almost. I couldn't cope with patients dying, patients who are fine today but checked into the eternal hotel the next. I decided to use that time in another industry, put aside money to do post-graduate studies, so that I will return better equipped academically and mentally. I targeted for a 5-year break, but I'm delayed, so what, I'm back on track and I didn't break any professional ethical codes.
Today I met one such caseworker, who apparently has been on the job for 2 years with no social graces, common courtesy and knowledge of what supervision is about. I chewed her up and spat out the bones. Why are we spending good money to pay these people if they do not respect their work? This caseworker is dealing with teenagers and if she is not able to expose them to the correct behaviour, then it's no better than putting a robot there to mind them.
I am really disgusted and perhaps that's why I stayed on, in the business world longer than I imagined I could. I will go back to do my thing with my training, but never, never with these bunch of clowns. Clowns because it's laughable that they have been tasked to manage a file, which means, laying some kind of foundation for that child or the general family's betterment as a whole, yet they themselves are unable to be an average role model.
It's pointless to talk about best practices when there is this obvious service gap, which has nothing to do with giving food rations. Why strive to build a progressive society if we do not care for another human. We do not have to be oozing with empathy but at least take some interest in the file one manages and be concerned enough that it's not a number on the file, but the future of the child or person that we are dealing with.
We need some major overhaul here.
I'm not about to sit pretty here and pretend it didn't happen. Nope. I am going to get busy sending emails until I get a satisfactory response.
It may not be my child who's there, but it's another family's kid and that must matter - I may not be the best parent but I am sure, my commitment to my responsibilities are serious enough for me to never muck around someone's head just because I felt like it.
If you cannot do a good job working with kids, then DON'T.
This is not about a typical organisation where you drag yourself to work and wait for 6pm.
This is about someone's life.
This is about modelling.
This is about setting a good example.
This is about serving the community, never about boosting your ego.
This is especially true in the social services sector when the welfare of another human is hanging on the balance. It doesn't matter if the person in context is aged sick, teenager, child, or adult. Social services = welfare which doesn't mean half-baked solutions.
Assuming all caseworkers employed within the system here are sufficiently qualified by international standards, then they should know that it's UNETHICAL to continue working on the job, managing files when they are unable to not break the codes. There is no excuse.
After 4 straight years in social services, I took a sabbatical. It's been 7 years, almost. I couldn't cope with patients dying, patients who are fine today but checked into the eternal hotel the next. I decided to use that time in another industry, put aside money to do post-graduate studies, so that I will return better equipped academically and mentally. I targeted for a 5-year break, but I'm delayed, so what, I'm back on track and I didn't break any professional ethical codes.
Today I met one such caseworker, who apparently has been on the job for 2 years with no social graces, common courtesy and knowledge of what supervision is about. I chewed her up and spat out the bones. Why are we spending good money to pay these people if they do not respect their work? This caseworker is dealing with teenagers and if she is not able to expose them to the correct behaviour, then it's no better than putting a robot there to mind them.
I am really disgusted and perhaps that's why I stayed on, in the business world longer than I imagined I could. I will go back to do my thing with my training, but never, never with these bunch of clowns. Clowns because it's laughable that they have been tasked to manage a file, which means, laying some kind of foundation for that child or the general family's betterment as a whole, yet they themselves are unable to be an average role model.
It's pointless to talk about best practices when there is this obvious service gap, which has nothing to do with giving food rations. Why strive to build a progressive society if we do not care for another human. We do not have to be oozing with empathy but at least take some interest in the file one manages and be concerned enough that it's not a number on the file, but the future of the child or person that we are dealing with.
We need some major overhaul here.
I'm not about to sit pretty here and pretend it didn't happen. Nope. I am going to get busy sending emails until I get a satisfactory response.
It may not be my child who's there, but it's another family's kid and that must matter - I may not be the best parent but I am sure, my commitment to my responsibilities are serious enough for me to never muck around someone's head just because I felt like it.
If you cannot do a good job working with kids, then DON'T.
This is not about a typical organisation where you drag yourself to work and wait for 6pm.
This is about someone's life.
This is about modelling.
This is about setting a good example.
This is about serving the community, never about boosting your ego.
November 14, 2008
conversational pieces
It never rains, but pours.
Whether that makes sense or not would depend very much on the orientation of our view.
People who take incidences in their stride would view it differently from people who are solution providers.
People who believe in the greater good, always believe that when a problem surfaces, there is a bigger positive picture as opposed to people who cannot see past the situation.
People who are altruistic sees the presenting problem as an opportunity to render help as opposed to people who indulge in the story for conversations sake.
There is no correct or incorrect way to respond in a tight situation.
But how we choose to respond is very telling on where we stand with ourselves.
My friends know that my plate is full, very full, hasn't been this overloaded and it doesn't seem to be clearing because whatevers going on, takes time for it to be cleared.
Short of getting a larger dinner plate, I am managing with whatever space I have been allocated, dumping food over food if necessary, as long as i still have every food item in partial view. To me that's efficient use of space. To another person, friend it may be overloading.
But that's me and a facet of me which is personal.
I do not have a save the world slogan pasted across my forehead, but I believe that if a person can render help, why not? A person would not offer assistance if he's safeguarding himself from the unknown.
In my life, I have seldom turned away anyone who came to me for help, if the little i can contribute would bring some comfort. I do not have a bottomless bank account, neither do I have a fixed salary each month, but I believe that when we want to help, it should never be with any conditions.
Why am I posting this?
Because I am about to take on the responsibility for my gf's 13-year old child.
A child who has lived with me sometimes over the years during school holidays.
A child whom I have given academic assistance and piano lessons from the time she was 5.
A child who knows me as her step-mom when her mother is not around.
I am upset that another gf felt that my plate was too full to make space for this child, without giving me an alternative solution. She is entitled to her opinion, but then what's the point of having an opinion if one doesn't have an alternative solution? I would have appreciated it very much, had she told me that she will understand and support my decision as a close friend.
To make it worse, she thought that i am giving this consideration, because I decided to throw out my own first born. That was uncalled for and really not it.
I have sinced moved on and everyone knows that to be a fact - much as my first born wants to communicate with me after 4 years, I have opted to honour my last words to her : Leave and do not return. I do not say what I do not mean and if I were so desperate to compensate, I would have replied to the text message plea for forgiveness.
Bottom Line:
When a person comes to you with a problem, he's asking for help.
Do not show interest only because it's the polite thing to do or that you need a new piece for conversation in your next social gathering.
Whether that makes sense or not would depend very much on the orientation of our view.
People who take incidences in their stride would view it differently from people who are solution providers.
People who believe in the greater good, always believe that when a problem surfaces, there is a bigger positive picture as opposed to people who cannot see past the situation.
People who are altruistic sees the presenting problem as an opportunity to render help as opposed to people who indulge in the story for conversations sake.
There is no correct or incorrect way to respond in a tight situation.
But how we choose to respond is very telling on where we stand with ourselves.
My friends know that my plate is full, very full, hasn't been this overloaded and it doesn't seem to be clearing because whatevers going on, takes time for it to be cleared.
Short of getting a larger dinner plate, I am managing with whatever space I have been allocated, dumping food over food if necessary, as long as i still have every food item in partial view. To me that's efficient use of space. To another person, friend it may be overloading.
But that's me and a facet of me which is personal.
I do not have a save the world slogan pasted across my forehead, but I believe that if a person can render help, why not? A person would not offer assistance if he's safeguarding himself from the unknown.
In my life, I have seldom turned away anyone who came to me for help, if the little i can contribute would bring some comfort. I do not have a bottomless bank account, neither do I have a fixed salary each month, but I believe that when we want to help, it should never be with any conditions.
Why am I posting this?
Because I am about to take on the responsibility for my gf's 13-year old child.
A child who has lived with me sometimes over the years during school holidays.
A child whom I have given academic assistance and piano lessons from the time she was 5.
A child who knows me as her step-mom when her mother is not around.
I am upset that another gf felt that my plate was too full to make space for this child, without giving me an alternative solution. She is entitled to her opinion, but then what's the point of having an opinion if one doesn't have an alternative solution? I would have appreciated it very much, had she told me that she will understand and support my decision as a close friend.
To make it worse, she thought that i am giving this consideration, because I decided to throw out my own first born. That was uncalled for and really not it.
I have sinced moved on and everyone knows that to be a fact - much as my first born wants to communicate with me after 4 years, I have opted to honour my last words to her : Leave and do not return. I do not say what I do not mean and if I were so desperate to compensate, I would have replied to the text message plea for forgiveness.
Bottom Line:
When a person comes to you with a problem, he's asking for help.
Do not show interest only because it's the polite thing to do or that you need a new piece for conversation in your next social gathering.
November 13, 2008
Stepping into December
I just started on the foundation for the season - mainly the christmas wreath, which was hand-made from scratch and improved over the years, just so it means something to me and my little christmas tree, which has decorated many reception tables at project site offices.
Imagine that, a roving christmas tree..well, it's been with me too many years for me to want to dump it - the sentimental value it brings with it, simply because it was the first little tree I got ever, with what I could afford in terms of space. Too many years - it's a reminder for me, that life can be this simple and even when it becomes too complicated, this is where I started and this is what christmas is all about. It's my annual reality clock - stops me dead everytime I take it out from my christmas box.
I don't know how other people feel when they start preparing for christmas, but mine begins with tears and Kenny Rogers' Greatest Gift of All. I never, ever, start on christmas without this song. I will probably upload it tomorrow. I'm so consumed by the lyrics that I even play that on the piano this season, only this season. I'm going to just type out the lyrics for now...
Dawn is slowing breaking
Our friends have all gone home
You and I are waiting
For santa claus to come
There's a present by the tree
Stockings on the wall
Knowing you're in love with me
is the Greatest Gift of All.
The fire is slowly fading
Chill is in the air
All the gifts are waiting
For children everywhere
Through the window I can see
Snow begins to fall
Knowing you're in love with me
is the Greatest Gift of All
Just before I go to sleep
I hear a church bell ring'
Merry christmas everyone
It's the song it sings
So I say a silent prayer
For creatures great and small
Peace on earth Goodwill to Men
is the Greatest Gift of All.
Is it meant to be?
Sometimes we decide on some course of action and then realise it was lucky or unfortunate that we took that decision. Not all decisions we make are necessarily correct but we end up having to deal with the consequences.
Recently, I got back in touch with a close friend, was feeling really great about it, spending time with her, just to catch up. Yesterday, I found out that her ex-husband alleged some terrible things about her and her youngest daughter has now been removed from her custody, pending the outcome of the investigation. Trouble with this gf of mine is, she tries to manage without having to bother anyone, but between the McSpicy and Cheesecake, I found out. She was asked for a neutral party to mind the kid, but since she didn't have my phone number, she cdn't call me. It sounds silly, because she could have come over - but knowing my work schedules, I figured she rather not show up unless she made that call.
All friendships have protocols. We do not crash at a persons home unannounced, but in times of emergency, that should be excused, isn't it? But because she respected privacy, which is silly under these circumstances, the child is now living at a welfare home.
She finally asked if I would take on the responsibility of the child temporarily.
I couldn't say no, because her youngest is 13 and really does not need to be exposed in an environment so alien to her. I have more than enough on my plate, but for now, the childs well being is priority. As with all custody battles, it's long drawn and I cannot imagine leaving the kid there until the whole thing blows over, which could take months.
Was it meant to be that I was prompted to call her?
Perhaps.
We could never understand why some things happen, but let's stay focused on setting things right. I really do not need to mother a 13 year old now, but I don't see any other solution on the horizon.
Recently, I got back in touch with a close friend, was feeling really great about it, spending time with her, just to catch up. Yesterday, I found out that her ex-husband alleged some terrible things about her and her youngest daughter has now been removed from her custody, pending the outcome of the investigation. Trouble with this gf of mine is, she tries to manage without having to bother anyone, but between the McSpicy and Cheesecake, I found out. She was asked for a neutral party to mind the kid, but since she didn't have my phone number, she cdn't call me. It sounds silly, because she could have come over - but knowing my work schedules, I figured she rather not show up unless she made that call.
All friendships have protocols. We do not crash at a persons home unannounced, but in times of emergency, that should be excused, isn't it? But because she respected privacy, which is silly under these circumstances, the child is now living at a welfare home.
She finally asked if I would take on the responsibility of the child temporarily.
I couldn't say no, because her youngest is 13 and really does not need to be exposed in an environment so alien to her. I have more than enough on my plate, but for now, the childs well being is priority. As with all custody battles, it's long drawn and I cannot imagine leaving the kid there until the whole thing blows over, which could take months.
Was it meant to be that I was prompted to call her?
Perhaps.
We could never understand why some things happen, but let's stay focused on setting things right. I really do not need to mother a 13 year old now, but I don't see any other solution on the horizon.
November 12, 2008
christmas clock
Time is something we all have, yet it never provides the same anxiety and varies from person to person. I used to have a desk calendar, but don't have one now, since I don't have a full-time job where I need to report for work from 9 - 6 pm and they give me a desk for the salary that they pay me each month. So, for me these days, time flies faster than I can catch up with.
The shopping malls have been gaily decorated with christmas baubles and lights - and my time-date stamp in my head stopped on 3 Nov, because that was the last alarm set for my exams. Although I have a deadline today, the 12th and next week, the 18th, it's not as alarming as exams, therefore, the 2 other time-date stamp is on snooze. I know that because my classmate just sent me a text message to remind me of our deadline today. So, all the colourful decorations didn't do anything for me, I didn't move with time. Today IS THE 12th, almost midway to November and almost 5 weeks to christmas. That's fast. Too fast.
I remember thinking that the first 6 months in a year drags like the year will never end, and then after June, it's like having the F1 race to December.
I need to fast forward my clock. I'm so retained at the 3rd that it's annoying. So I got to thinking about christmas - what's going to happen now? do i still arrange the customary dinner or even bother with the tree? My son told me something interesting when I asked him. He reminded me that Christmas is for Jesus, so mommy, please put up the tree, and I will help you.
Between making pasta sauce and my assignment, I decided to put up the tree after next week - as for dinner on christmas eve, well, perhaps not - I'll probably just bake a couple of stuff and manage it from there. I told my son that he has grown too much for commercial christmas and I would like it to be quiet - he's not complaining.
I know that once the tree goes up, it means 2009 is around the corner. I haven't done my yearly debrief and will get on to that soon enough. The up-side is, this time next year, I would have completed what I set out to do 7 years ago - not one task but two, which should be an achievement but it wasn't easy getting to the target. I would rather focus on next years christmas clock, since that would really mean I could put a tick against these two items.
For all the grey skies that clouded my year, there were pretty linings in silver of the sun beyond. This year will be another huge crossroad junction to be mapped in the journey of my life.
Christmas clock, tick tock. Take out the tree, hang up the socks.
The shopping malls have been gaily decorated with christmas baubles and lights - and my time-date stamp in my head stopped on 3 Nov, because that was the last alarm set for my exams. Although I have a deadline today, the 12th and next week, the 18th, it's not as alarming as exams, therefore, the 2 other time-date stamp is on snooze. I know that because my classmate just sent me a text message to remind me of our deadline today. So, all the colourful decorations didn't do anything for me, I didn't move with time. Today IS THE 12th, almost midway to November and almost 5 weeks to christmas. That's fast. Too fast.
I remember thinking that the first 6 months in a year drags like the year will never end, and then after June, it's like having the F1 race to December.
I need to fast forward my clock. I'm so retained at the 3rd that it's annoying. So I got to thinking about christmas - what's going to happen now? do i still arrange the customary dinner or even bother with the tree? My son told me something interesting when I asked him. He reminded me that Christmas is for Jesus, so mommy, please put up the tree, and I will help you.
Between making pasta sauce and my assignment, I decided to put up the tree after next week - as for dinner on christmas eve, well, perhaps not - I'll probably just bake a couple of stuff and manage it from there. I told my son that he has grown too much for commercial christmas and I would like it to be quiet - he's not complaining.
I know that once the tree goes up, it means 2009 is around the corner. I haven't done my yearly debrief and will get on to that soon enough. The up-side is, this time next year, I would have completed what I set out to do 7 years ago - not one task but two, which should be an achievement but it wasn't easy getting to the target. I would rather focus on next years christmas clock, since that would really mean I could put a tick against these two items.
For all the grey skies that clouded my year, there were pretty linings in silver of the sun beyond. This year will be another huge crossroad junction to be mapped in the journey of my life.
Christmas clock, tick tock. Take out the tree, hang up the socks.
November 11, 2008
Best Friends in hell or high water
After 3 years, I got in touch with my gf again, someone I have known for like 15 years. It's just me, always getting caught up with work and over the past 15 years, we have lost contact on two occasions, including this last fiasco. I wouldn't have called her coz I always thought that if my close friends were in need of tending, they will call me, regardless. What I didn't bargain for was that in the age of mobile technology, no one bothers to memorise phone numbers and if the cell phone was misplaced, so were all the contact details. This is what happened to her - she lost her cell phone 3 years ago and was waiting for me to call her.
I called her simply because someone I care greatly for, asked about her, some weeks ago, and my reply was that I didn't know where or what she's up to. He didn't say much to my answer but that alone got me thinking and when I did have time to at least make a decent social call, I scrolled to her phone number. If he didn't ask me, I wouldn't have bothered, seriously, because this gf of mine is like that, free n easy and manages whatever the situation dishes out to her.
We met for tea yesterday and it's really great to see her. She's obviously not doing very well because her ex-husband decided to load more crap on her and the custody of the kids. Their case is pending at Family Court - same ole accusations. Her daughter has been asking about me, naturally, since I was their second line care-giver. She will bring the girls over this school hols.
In my life, I have 3 very, very close girlfriends who know me too well because our relationship spanned over broken marriages and relationships from like some 20-odd years ago.
Perhaps my having lost my best friend (in a car accident) when I was in my 20s, did something to me - that I'm so afraid to have best friends I grow attached to, for my emotional sanity.
So I now have all of them where they have always been - and hopefully, we won't loose touch again. It's important to keep in touch with people who are meaningful to us and it's important to take the trouble to care. I would have lost this one through sheer habit of me, not making a phone call - it's always been that my friends call on me for social meets, not the other way around. I'm dysfunctional by experience, but they understand because they know the causal factors and so I'm always forgiven. Not a good reason to continue being like this, but I have not healed yet.
I know I need to thank him because if not for his question, I would still be wondering what happened to this woman. We don't need many friends, we just need the few who stay with us through hell and high water.
I called her simply because someone I care greatly for, asked about her, some weeks ago, and my reply was that I didn't know where or what she's up to. He didn't say much to my answer but that alone got me thinking and when I did have time to at least make a decent social call, I scrolled to her phone number. If he didn't ask me, I wouldn't have bothered, seriously, because this gf of mine is like that, free n easy and manages whatever the situation dishes out to her.
We met for tea yesterday and it's really great to see her. She's obviously not doing very well because her ex-husband decided to load more crap on her and the custody of the kids. Their case is pending at Family Court - same ole accusations. Her daughter has been asking about me, naturally, since I was their second line care-giver. She will bring the girls over this school hols.
In my life, I have 3 very, very close girlfriends who know me too well because our relationship spanned over broken marriages and relationships from like some 20-odd years ago.
Perhaps my having lost my best friend (in a car accident) when I was in my 20s, did something to me - that I'm so afraid to have best friends I grow attached to, for my emotional sanity.
So I now have all of them where they have always been - and hopefully, we won't loose touch again. It's important to keep in touch with people who are meaningful to us and it's important to take the trouble to care. I would have lost this one through sheer habit of me, not making a phone call - it's always been that my friends call on me for social meets, not the other way around. I'm dysfunctional by experience, but they understand because they know the causal factors and so I'm always forgiven. Not a good reason to continue being like this, but I have not healed yet.
I know I need to thank him because if not for his question, I would still be wondering what happened to this woman. We don't need many friends, we just need the few who stay with us through hell and high water.
November 10, 2008
Sleepless
Another symptom just surfaced - sleeplessness.
It's tough when there is a full schedule of work and you cannot fall asleep. It's not about the overworked mind, but more of restlessness.
Comfort food is still on the menu, very much so.
I used to paint for therapy - but lately, because work takes me outdoors too, I have shelved the idea temporarily. I would paint to ease the stress if I were sure I would be indoors long enough. Perhaps I shall try that after I finish my assignment - and all my weeks' appointments.
People do well with bare minimum sleep according to their body clock - it's not a dire situation, just tricky, since one wakes up feeling like a ton of bricks just baked in your brains. Caffeine does the job but it would take larger amounts before the entire body wakes up.
I do have external work today and well, make-up does wonders.
I know that we should not try to go to bed on a full stomach but all things considered, comforting my mental state is more critical than thinking about the hours of sleep I would loose.
It's tough when there is a full schedule of work and you cannot fall asleep. It's not about the overworked mind, but more of restlessness.
Comfort food is still on the menu, very much so.
I used to paint for therapy - but lately, because work takes me outdoors too, I have shelved the idea temporarily. I would paint to ease the stress if I were sure I would be indoors long enough. Perhaps I shall try that after I finish my assignment - and all my weeks' appointments.
People do well with bare minimum sleep according to their body clock - it's not a dire situation, just tricky, since one wakes up feeling like a ton of bricks just baked in your brains. Caffeine does the job but it would take larger amounts before the entire body wakes up.
I do have external work today and well, make-up does wonders.
I know that we should not try to go to bed on a full stomach but all things considered, comforting my mental state is more critical than thinking about the hours of sleep I would loose.
November 09, 2008
undergrad vs postgrad
The worst thing that can happen to a student is, to assume something about an assignment that isn't quite correct.
For weeks, we have all (classmates and me) been casually discussing our proposal, which is way overdue. This isn't critical because the later you submit for approval, the later you start, that's all. And because we are all last-minutes monsters, we tend to drag our feet.
Having said that, and having had numerous discussions and one serious planning session - I got down to the proposal proper yesterday and decided to (as usual) open the outline and guide as a reference. Late means, no mistakes permitted in terms of delivery.
To my horror, this proposal didn't mean we do a skeleton with some meat on the bones. It meant the same length as any written assignment with probably the same number of references. See, we all need to get past this idea that we are undergrads - we don't seem to be able to move forward and look at stuff from that standpoint. Perhaps, that's why we don't seem to be able to get away doing flippant work.
On top of this, the other deadline is not fully done, it's 3/4 done, not fully - so I haven't been lazing about but actually working my butt off - it takes forever to deliver an online academic answer, because once you submit it, it's submitted, you cannot take it back.
Now I realise where the problem is : I still think I'm an undergrad - I still think I can get away with last minute readings and work - 2 semesters and I should know that I cannot get away and I should be more committed to getting the grades that I need.
It's a nightmare to finally come to grips with this, because next semester our huge research begins with a module in stats - not the best thing to wake up to, but it's definately better than to still be in dreamland. I know I have had to juggle lots this entire year, but academically, it's still not reason enough for me a reason.
Just a thought : If postgrad is so much more demanding, why are they charging us huge fees! after all, we are putting in all the freakking mind power just to get going with the first para.....
For weeks, we have all (classmates and me) been casually discussing our proposal, which is way overdue. This isn't critical because the later you submit for approval, the later you start, that's all. And because we are all last-minutes monsters, we tend to drag our feet.
Having said that, and having had numerous discussions and one serious planning session - I got down to the proposal proper yesterday and decided to (as usual) open the outline and guide as a reference. Late means, no mistakes permitted in terms of delivery.
To my horror, this proposal didn't mean we do a skeleton with some meat on the bones. It meant the same length as any written assignment with probably the same number of references. See, we all need to get past this idea that we are undergrads - we don't seem to be able to move forward and look at stuff from that standpoint. Perhaps, that's why we don't seem to be able to get away doing flippant work.
On top of this, the other deadline is not fully done, it's 3/4 done, not fully - so I haven't been lazing about but actually working my butt off - it takes forever to deliver an online academic answer, because once you submit it, it's submitted, you cannot take it back.
Now I realise where the problem is : I still think I'm an undergrad - I still think I can get away with last minute readings and work - 2 semesters and I should know that I cannot get away and I should be more committed to getting the grades that I need.
It's a nightmare to finally come to grips with this, because next semester our huge research begins with a module in stats - not the best thing to wake up to, but it's definately better than to still be in dreamland. I know I have had to juggle lots this entire year, but academically, it's still not reason enough for me a reason.
Just a thought : If postgrad is so much more demanding, why are they charging us huge fees! after all, we are putting in all the freakking mind power just to get going with the first para.....
November 07, 2008
comfort food
Ice cream and chocolate, the cliche comfort food.
Since our deadlines are not over yet, my classmate and I decided to do what good students do, meet and discuss our next paper, work on it and meet again on another day with the work done. We are so behind that we should be shot.
Stress does many strange things to people - I know full well what chocolates do to me, unless it's dark chocolates, yet we all indulged at Haagen Das, chocolate ice-cream with chocolate topping galore, after a full bowl of laksa. If that's not an indication of stress, I don't know what is. I woke up this morning with a huge headache and work still incomplete. I know I'm stressed out because usually, one order of ice-cream is just too much for one person - but i emptied the tall glass all by myself and my classmate added an ice latte to his order of ice cream too!
How does chocolate become comfort food for me if i wake up with a headache? I really wonder.
It's probably the good feel that comes from the consumption of chocolates. We felt great - got over the skeleton of our assignment - even counseled each other since we are both depressed, having assessed each other last semester. As a guy, he's managing his state a little better although he's becoming a little more neurotic in his actions and verbalisation. After 4 hours, he decided that I'm a good case worker and the conversation shifted to why it's an area I detested. Comfort food does that to us - because we never really spoke seriously about our major fields of work or what we are really good at - if anything, it got us onto the 'business' at hand - which is our field of expertise - without deciding on that, we would all be running around in circles, submitting half-baked pieces of work.
Thankfully, my blood pressure levels are never high - so downing calories has never been an issue for me. Perhaps next time we have a thrashing session, I should opt for dark chocolates only...but then, would that comfort me enough?
Since our deadlines are not over yet, my classmate and I decided to do what good students do, meet and discuss our next paper, work on it and meet again on another day with the work done. We are so behind that we should be shot.
Stress does many strange things to people - I know full well what chocolates do to me, unless it's dark chocolates, yet we all indulged at Haagen Das, chocolate ice-cream with chocolate topping galore, after a full bowl of laksa. If that's not an indication of stress, I don't know what is. I woke up this morning with a huge headache and work still incomplete. I know I'm stressed out because usually, one order of ice-cream is just too much for one person - but i emptied the tall glass all by myself and my classmate added an ice latte to his order of ice cream too!
How does chocolate become comfort food for me if i wake up with a headache? I really wonder.
It's probably the good feel that comes from the consumption of chocolates. We felt great - got over the skeleton of our assignment - even counseled each other since we are both depressed, having assessed each other last semester. As a guy, he's managing his state a little better although he's becoming a little more neurotic in his actions and verbalisation. After 4 hours, he decided that I'm a good case worker and the conversation shifted to why it's an area I detested. Comfort food does that to us - because we never really spoke seriously about our major fields of work or what we are really good at - if anything, it got us onto the 'business' at hand - which is our field of expertise - without deciding on that, we would all be running around in circles, submitting half-baked pieces of work.
Thankfully, my blood pressure levels are never high - so downing calories has never been an issue for me. Perhaps next time we have a thrashing session, I should opt for dark chocolates only...but then, would that comfort me enough?
November 06, 2008
ethics?
What do we do when someone we know is in distress?
As good friends, we try to walk them through their situation and listen to what's bugging them. As good friends, we drop everything and attend to them because it could be the last call they make.
I was put in such a position yesterday - I dropped everything and attended to this good friend in the middle of a thunderstorm. He was my ex-boss.
I was in such a fix, because being in the mental state that I was in, I should not be attempting to fix another person, but I knew he wouldn't call me unless he's really backed in some dark corner with no way out. In fact, I haven't really spoken to him for months, being busy with work and school. It was an ethical dilemma for me, but he refused to kiv my meeting with him and he sounded very weak over the phone.
Things like these, eat up my sanity - but I made a decision to fix him, because I didn't want to have to tell his mother that I had better things to do (fix myself) and left her son to take his own life, or worse, bleed his body of life slowly.
In the heavy rain with him driving, was traumatic - I had to keep my eyes on the road and listen to him talk to me with tears in his eyes. After 5 hours, I got him back on track and the rain stopped.
Perhaps walking him through yesterday, did something for my spirit - He's functional again, after just weeks of boozing, late nights and just freakking out his health. This morning, he called, and he's working, out there on Deal Street again. I know I went to bed really exhausted and mentally drained - it's just that I'm better at fixing people - I'm not good with fixing myself.
Sure, I may have put myself on the back-burner and allowed another person's emotions to consume me.
This did nothing for my ego, since I know just how effective I am as a therapist/counselor, I just hate doing it, that's all. I probably broke all rules, counseling when I'm mentally messed up, but there just wasn't a choice because it's either I attend to him, or he went off the deep end.
I'm sure my professors would be disgusted that I took this gamble, right after my ethics paper, but there was really no one else and timing was critical, if I hung up and left him, I wasn't sure if he could manage.
As good friends, we try to walk them through their situation and listen to what's bugging them. As good friends, we drop everything and attend to them because it could be the last call they make.
I was put in such a position yesterday - I dropped everything and attended to this good friend in the middle of a thunderstorm. He was my ex-boss.
I was in such a fix, because being in the mental state that I was in, I should not be attempting to fix another person, but I knew he wouldn't call me unless he's really backed in some dark corner with no way out. In fact, I haven't really spoken to him for months, being busy with work and school. It was an ethical dilemma for me, but he refused to kiv my meeting with him and he sounded very weak over the phone.
Things like these, eat up my sanity - but I made a decision to fix him, because I didn't want to have to tell his mother that I had better things to do (fix myself) and left her son to take his own life, or worse, bleed his body of life slowly.
In the heavy rain with him driving, was traumatic - I had to keep my eyes on the road and listen to him talk to me with tears in his eyes. After 5 hours, I got him back on track and the rain stopped.
Perhaps walking him through yesterday, did something for my spirit - He's functional again, after just weeks of boozing, late nights and just freakking out his health. This morning, he called, and he's working, out there on Deal Street again. I know I went to bed really exhausted and mentally drained - it's just that I'm better at fixing people - I'm not good with fixing myself.
Sure, I may have put myself on the back-burner and allowed another person's emotions to consume me.
This did nothing for my ego, since I know just how effective I am as a therapist/counselor, I just hate doing it, that's all. I probably broke all rules, counseling when I'm mentally messed up, but there just wasn't a choice because it's either I attend to him, or he went off the deep end.
I'm sure my professors would be disgusted that I took this gamble, right after my ethics paper, but there was really no one else and timing was critical, if I hung up and left him, I wasn't sure if he could manage.
November 05, 2008
tending to
I have decided to snap into work and cope, although it's difficult. I am still sharing my space for some hours in the day and I feel very suffocated. There is tendency to run. A gf told me once, when she was filing for divorce, that she felt like a bird, trapped in a small cage. A bird could live happily in a cage, if there is enough space and enough love and care - but would have expectations to be let free at least once in a while.
I have never been let free - because my emotions have always been check. I do not allow myself to feel, because it hurts. A very good friend told me, that I'm high maintenance - not in material terms, but in all other aspects. I watched many of my good gfs getting hurt in relationships. I felt that if I removed feelings, I wouldn't get hurt.
Looking back, all my boyfriends, right from pre-uni days, wanted a permanent relationship with me - but the minute they went there, I walked out. Never gave anyone a chance to show me how much I needed tending to. Always believing that I could manage well on my own, not needing anyone emotionally. I still believe in that very much, perhaps that's why I'm in this situation. I just realised that after so many years being void of tenderness, I have become very damaged and harsh. Perhaps that's why I come across to good friends as one who is high maintenance - not easy to understand what I'm thinking at all.
I have lived half my life and have never allowed anyone to walk into my heart. There were always limits set. The only person that probably received unconditional care is my son, of course he had his fair share of discipline but always done with care, wanting him to know that he's loved more than anything else in the world. He's beginning to realise that I need tending to, because he has decided to spend time with me watching tv instead of gaming all the time. Perhaps, he picked up on my broken-ness.
We all need tending to - in varying degrees.
I just did it myself all these years - and feeling this way has got nothing to do with anyone, except me, which is easier for me to manage and control. That to me is more acceptable than have another person drive my life. Perhaps I see things this way because in the past, I have never come across someone whom I respect as a person in totality and trust enough to let him tend to my heart.
I have never been let free - because my emotions have always been check. I do not allow myself to feel, because it hurts. A very good friend told me, that I'm high maintenance - not in material terms, but in all other aspects. I watched many of my good gfs getting hurt in relationships. I felt that if I removed feelings, I wouldn't get hurt.
Looking back, all my boyfriends, right from pre-uni days, wanted a permanent relationship with me - but the minute they went there, I walked out. Never gave anyone a chance to show me how much I needed tending to. Always believing that I could manage well on my own, not needing anyone emotionally. I still believe in that very much, perhaps that's why I'm in this situation. I just realised that after so many years being void of tenderness, I have become very damaged and harsh. Perhaps that's why I come across to good friends as one who is high maintenance - not easy to understand what I'm thinking at all.
I have lived half my life and have never allowed anyone to walk into my heart. There were always limits set. The only person that probably received unconditional care is my son, of course he had his fair share of discipline but always done with care, wanting him to know that he's loved more than anything else in the world. He's beginning to realise that I need tending to, because he has decided to spend time with me watching tv instead of gaming all the time. Perhaps, he picked up on my broken-ness.
We all need tending to - in varying degrees.
I just did it myself all these years - and feeling this way has got nothing to do with anyone, except me, which is easier for me to manage and control. That to me is more acceptable than have another person drive my life. Perhaps I see things this way because in the past, I have never come across someone whom I respect as a person in totality and trust enough to let him tend to my heart.
November 04, 2008
Snap back into WoRk
In counseling, we usually take the stand that we should never tell a client that we truly understand where they are standing, because no one could ever know, how another person feels unless they were placed in a similar predicament. For example, how could one understand loosing a parent, if you have never lost one in a similar way? How could one understand what it's like to be a victim of physical abuse, if one has never been a victim bearing the brunt of beatings?
If life were a learning experience, then for the past 2 weeks, I have experienced what clinical depression is like. Although no two persons would cope the same way, I can honestly say that I have been there. Today, I am still there, although I do have more coping skills than most who get here. I have not recovered - thankfully, there are no manic peaks, just cruising mood, which I am still able to manage. The key for me, not necessarily for every one who's in this state is work - not just keeping occupied, but work.
I do not like this state at all. I feel so exhausted, I'm running a temperature, and it's not the influenza virus, I tend to want to skip meetings, although I do not because it's my work, I have been trying to postpone meetings/viewings whatever appointments I have because I want to sleep and shut everything out.
Snap back into work.
That's the best way to walk through this season - it may not be solving the problem but at least it's buying time. Thankfully, my schedule is packed with appts and deadlines, so I don't really have idle time to feel depression rushing through my veins. This is not any coping skill but just responsibilities taking over. I could try to be irresponsible, but then that's not quite my style, depressed or not. And if that's the only thing I have to hang on to, I will, just until I figure out how to manage this, face-to-face.
If life were a learning experience, then for the past 2 weeks, I have experienced what clinical depression is like. Although no two persons would cope the same way, I can honestly say that I have been there. Today, I am still there, although I do have more coping skills than most who get here. I have not recovered - thankfully, there are no manic peaks, just cruising mood, which I am still able to manage. The key for me, not necessarily for every one who's in this state is work - not just keeping occupied, but work.
I do not like this state at all. I feel so exhausted, I'm running a temperature, and it's not the influenza virus, I tend to want to skip meetings, although I do not because it's my work, I have been trying to postpone meetings/viewings whatever appointments I have because I want to sleep and shut everything out.
Snap back into work.
That's the best way to walk through this season - it may not be solving the problem but at least it's buying time. Thankfully, my schedule is packed with appts and deadlines, so I don't really have idle time to feel depression rushing through my veins. This is not any coping skill but just responsibilities taking over. I could try to be irresponsible, but then that's not quite my style, depressed or not. And if that's the only thing I have to hang on to, I will, just until I figure out how to manage this, face-to-face.
November 03, 2008
head fixers
Finally, 4504 is done with - it really wasn't a bad module, just a bad semester. I thought I was the only person so stressed that it manifested somatically - my classmates were in the same predicament. The worst part of it all was finding out 5 minutes before the paper that the Uni decided on a closed book exam. We were told it would be open book, simply because there were too many codes to make references to. The panic was severe and we even contemplated calling Aust.
I wouldn't say that it would have cost us in terms of marks, because we were not required to cite the exact code numbers - basically, anyone in practice would not have to at all - it was more critical to be familiar with the protocols in ethical practice. We managed to sit through it although I'm sure my classmates would have sent a distressing email to the HOD by now. Why not me? Well, I'm usually prepared for things to go either way - it wouldn't have made my answers any different - had it been open book, I may have been more accurate in citing the relevant codes including the numbers - but because it was closed book, the focus was on the principles - doesn't matter where it was fitted into the code book - as long as it was there.
In the professional capacity we will be in, I wonder if all this torture is necessary - we are not like lawyers, earning tons of money at whatever cost; we study for as long as doctors do, yet we are not seen as Gods the way doctors are. We just fix heads and most would think that didn't require much skill - well, if it didn't, why are we being tortured for as long as they are, just to get a licence!
I wouldn't say that it would have cost us in terms of marks, because we were not required to cite the exact code numbers - basically, anyone in practice would not have to at all - it was more critical to be familiar with the protocols in ethical practice. We managed to sit through it although I'm sure my classmates would have sent a distressing email to the HOD by now. Why not me? Well, I'm usually prepared for things to go either way - it wouldn't have made my answers any different - had it been open book, I may have been more accurate in citing the relevant codes including the numbers - but because it was closed book, the focus was on the principles - doesn't matter where it was fitted into the code book - as long as it was there.
In the professional capacity we will be in, I wonder if all this torture is necessary - we are not like lawyers, earning tons of money at whatever cost; we study for as long as doctors do, yet we are not seen as Gods the way doctors are. We just fix heads and most would think that didn't require much skill - well, if it didn't, why are we being tortured for as long as they are, just to get a licence!
November 02, 2008
Exam Fever
I know students who get into a nervous fit when it's examination week - nervousness could manifest as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, binge eating, grouchiness. Frankly, exam weeks are fine with me - I had never experienced a real panic when it came to exams, simply because it's too late to do anything anyway, so why fret - do your best and deal with whatever the outcome is. It was like that for my O-levels, my A-levels, during my undergrad years and now post-grad.
I was never a top student, just the usual average kid - returning acceptable grades, which never told anything much about where my interest lay, or whether I'll ever even make to any institution of higher learning. I was always too busy at some sport or other, some CCA (those days it was ECA) which I did excel in at least when compared to my classroom work.
So, now, this post-grad year, has been a little bit traumatic - I still don't panic because it's exams, I do the occasional OMG, HAVEN'T DONE THAT! SHIT! ****! but that's about it, my day just moves along. Perhaps I do more 'daily work' these days, not leaving things to the last minute, like I used to as a full-time student. Perhaps growing up has bestowed upon me some sense of responsibility. No, I have not seen an A grade yet and yes it still bothers me, but I'm coping with the reality of it all - I cannot have my cake and eat it - my candle is burning at both ends and at the mid-section, I don't need another flame right now - I will seek my A because my graduate studies haven't completed yet, and will not complete anytime soon even after next year - so I'll take my time to work my writing up to standard.
I'm really being tested not just academically, because I have been running a temperature for 2 days. Exam Fever indeed.
Perhaps being clinically depressed doesn't help, therefore my body is breaking down and telling me that I am stressed out in all ways.
Sure, I need to chill out (again) - but after tomorrow, I still have deadlines looming for this semester...bottom line - bite off what you can chew, and if you bit more than you can it's alright because you never know how much you can stretch until you are backed in a corner - and as long as you still can move a little, the solution is just a stretch away.
I was never a top student, just the usual average kid - returning acceptable grades, which never told anything much about where my interest lay, or whether I'll ever even make to any institution of higher learning. I was always too busy at some sport or other, some CCA (those days it was ECA) which I did excel in at least when compared to my classroom work.
So, now, this post-grad year, has been a little bit traumatic - I still don't panic because it's exams, I do the occasional OMG, HAVEN'T DONE THAT! SHIT! ****! but that's about it, my day just moves along. Perhaps I do more 'daily work' these days, not leaving things to the last minute, like I used to as a full-time student. Perhaps growing up has bestowed upon me some sense of responsibility. No, I have not seen an A grade yet and yes it still bothers me, but I'm coping with the reality of it all - I cannot have my cake and eat it - my candle is burning at both ends and at the mid-section, I don't need another flame right now - I will seek my A because my graduate studies haven't completed yet, and will not complete anytime soon even after next year - so I'll take my time to work my writing up to standard.
I'm really being tested not just academically, because I have been running a temperature for 2 days. Exam Fever indeed.
Perhaps being clinically depressed doesn't help, therefore my body is breaking down and telling me that I am stressed out in all ways.
Sure, I need to chill out (again) - but after tomorrow, I still have deadlines looming for this semester...bottom line - bite off what you can chew, and if you bit more than you can it's alright because you never know how much you can stretch until you are backed in a corner - and as long as you still can move a little, the solution is just a stretch away.
November 01, 2008
State or Trait?
State or Trait?
We were discussing depression and this question came up - how did the discussion start, well, close friends picked it up during tea and because no one has had training, there was obviously much concern. Also, it's not an overnight thing, it's progressing in the wrong direction.
Depression is a state - not a trait, because it does not have any bearing on personality at all. It can affect anyone, at any time, for any duration. If a person is of a depressive nature, i.e. perhaps having a bleak outlook upon life and things, then that is personality based - and a trait.
I had to reassure her that I'm fine - and in my context, it's my responsibility to keep track of where I am so that I am able to self-cure. It's not something everyone can do, because there are limits unconsciously set by the mind. When the mind is in this state, it may not have the will to mend and most would require assistance to do so. But this is my mind we were discussing about and for that, no alarm bells are required.
In fact, I was joking about it to another gf a few days ago, about how much it must have taken for me to hit clinical, since I have never been this far up the scale. Over the years, my unhapppy state of mind was managed by coping and hanging on, making the best of the situation. Now, the dynamics have changed and I'm moving forward, which required a dissection of everything so that lessons are learnt, the truth swallowed and contingency plans put into place. When that happens, we have to admit our mistakes, find the source so that it never repeats in the future.
That was how I got here - the dreaded list of what i didn't do correctly.
I could well sweep this under the mat and move on. If I did that, then I would have made getting myself into this shit, a personal trait. I would much rather take my chances with being in a bad state of mind and manage it.
She was so worried, she made me stay till supper. I appreciate that since she has watched me move from one abusive marriage to another bad one, always doing this for the convenience of someone else - never because of love. She has never seen me walk down any aisle in a wedding dress. I have never worn one, because there was never a reason for me to.
Therefore, the state of mind I am in, is temporary, albeit worrying for all - my personality trait of always just existing doesn't worry anyone although that seems to be more permanent.
It's a double-edged sword for me, because either way it kills my spirit - but at least being in a less ideal state of mind is something I know I can fix over time, because I'm me - scary for people who care that I'm walking on this tightrope with no safety net that they can visualise. I am able to deal with it - I just need time.
We were discussing depression and this question came up - how did the discussion start, well, close friends picked it up during tea and because no one has had training, there was obviously much concern. Also, it's not an overnight thing, it's progressing in the wrong direction.
Depression is a state - not a trait, because it does not have any bearing on personality at all. It can affect anyone, at any time, for any duration. If a person is of a depressive nature, i.e. perhaps having a bleak outlook upon life and things, then that is personality based - and a trait.
I had to reassure her that I'm fine - and in my context, it's my responsibility to keep track of where I am so that I am able to self-cure. It's not something everyone can do, because there are limits unconsciously set by the mind. When the mind is in this state, it may not have the will to mend and most would require assistance to do so. But this is my mind we were discussing about and for that, no alarm bells are required.
In fact, I was joking about it to another gf a few days ago, about how much it must have taken for me to hit clinical, since I have never been this far up the scale. Over the years, my unhapppy state of mind was managed by coping and hanging on, making the best of the situation. Now, the dynamics have changed and I'm moving forward, which required a dissection of everything so that lessons are learnt, the truth swallowed and contingency plans put into place. When that happens, we have to admit our mistakes, find the source so that it never repeats in the future.
That was how I got here - the dreaded list of what i didn't do correctly.
I could well sweep this under the mat and move on. If I did that, then I would have made getting myself into this shit, a personal trait. I would much rather take my chances with being in a bad state of mind and manage it.
She was so worried, she made me stay till supper. I appreciate that since she has watched me move from one abusive marriage to another bad one, always doing this for the convenience of someone else - never because of love. She has never seen me walk down any aisle in a wedding dress. I have never worn one, because there was never a reason for me to.
Therefore, the state of mind I am in, is temporary, albeit worrying for all - my personality trait of always just existing doesn't worry anyone although that seems to be more permanent.
It's a double-edged sword for me, because either way it kills my spirit - but at least being in a less ideal state of mind is something I know I can fix over time, because I'm me - scary for people who care that I'm walking on this tightrope with no safety net that they can visualise. I am able to deal with it - I just need time.
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