I'm so glad this day is here - new years eve.
It's a year most would want to forget - although I do not have excess funds to gamble in whatever minibonds that were available, it was the curdled cream that went on to a bad 'cake'.
Although I'm not rigid about feng shui, I do observe some chinese traditions which perhaps calms the psyche. This year was laden with changes and turmoil and I remember the feng shui masters were saying that the rat, being the first year in the chinese calendar will bring about such drama - however, I didn't expect the drama to be in serials!
Tomorrow, is the start of new hope - we are approaching the Ox year in less than 25 days - it's the 'english' new year, which to me, is the transition period until CNY. Transitions can be dramatic too but it's a step away from 2008 and the rat is certainly making it's exit and the OX, it's entrance.
I read that it won't be a spectacular year for me, but manageable - also apparently the first half of the year would be best for me for income generating. To believe or not to believe - well, this 2008 was almost right on the key note - trouble is, it's always easier to look at things in retrospect and then nod our heads and say 'yup' 'yup' instead of looking ahead and doing the same. We cannot possibly be in agreement when dealing with possibilities and not definitives.
Therefore, as I get myself into the mood to say goodbye to 2008 - i'll make careful notes for 2009 - and maybe by the 26th of Jan, I'll be more prepared to deal with the future. My gf asked where I was going to countdown the new year - and I told her, at home, on my bed with my notebook gaming. Her remark was "wow, you're really serious when you say you're a homebird!" - she was doing her damnest to drag me out.
So goodbye 2008, please don't come back again - I have never lost so much of patience - I have never changed my mind in doing business/work so much in a year. Good riddance!
December 31, 2008
December 29, 2008
Same time a year ago
I just went over my entry a year ago - I seemed to be less stressed but more tired because of the socialising that was going on this season. I spoke about being away this year - guess what, I managed to do just that - I didn't do any christmas visiting this year yet and don't intend to. I take that as me 'being away'. Not bad, I do keep to my plans.
It's probably the quietest christmas season in a long time - and I feel great about it. With the exception of my gf and her daughter who are sharing my space with me, I have not gone to a single other household for festive makan and just stayed by the telly and my online game.
Although I'm not socially handicapped in any way, i'm just not a social animal - when I do hang out, it's never because it's something I enjoy - it's more like 'giving face' to my few but close friends who never forget to make me a meal or bake me a cake. But because they usually pack their homes with people (most I do know) on festive days, I find that too much for me - me whose head is not always screwed on correctly, me, who has lots of issues right now and me, who's pleasantly depressed. For me, slipping in a social function right now is like pushing me toward being manic and a bipolar case when I'm not.
I love work, so I'm glad work occupied me - it keeps me on my toes and away from all this frustration. I'm already thinking about respite in Bangkok after CNY - let's see how things go - it would very much depend upon class schedules and work commitments. I know class will be busy with stats going on and my research too but if things are less chaotic in Bangkok, I'll slip in a trip there.
so, not bad, I got my 'quiet' christmas wish from last year - running about for work doesn't count as being social, so I'll just be happy that I made it almost to the new year, Quietly.
It's probably the quietest christmas season in a long time - and I feel great about it. With the exception of my gf and her daughter who are sharing my space with me, I have not gone to a single other household for festive makan and just stayed by the telly and my online game.
Although I'm not socially handicapped in any way, i'm just not a social animal - when I do hang out, it's never because it's something I enjoy - it's more like 'giving face' to my few but close friends who never forget to make me a meal or bake me a cake. But because they usually pack their homes with people (most I do know) on festive days, I find that too much for me - me whose head is not always screwed on correctly, me, who has lots of issues right now and me, who's pleasantly depressed. For me, slipping in a social function right now is like pushing me toward being manic and a bipolar case when I'm not.
I love work, so I'm glad work occupied me - it keeps me on my toes and away from all this frustration. I'm already thinking about respite in Bangkok after CNY - let's see how things go - it would very much depend upon class schedules and work commitments. I know class will be busy with stats going on and my research too but if things are less chaotic in Bangkok, I'll slip in a trip there.
so, not bad, I got my 'quiet' christmas wish from last year - running about for work doesn't count as being social, so I'll just be happy that I made it almost to the new year, Quietly.
December 28, 2008
the sole silver lining
Christmas came and went - it didn't even cause a dent.
In less than 7 days, it'll be 2009, a new year, hopefully one which will bring with it less turmoil and stress. I remember the Feng Shui people were saying at the start of 2008 that it was the year of the Rat and a new chinese cyclical calendar, which meant lots of changes etc. They were right - the mess didn't just happen to me, it happened to the entire world.
I haven't gone online to see what's predicted for 2009, it may be too early yet for anyone to post anything - but I hope the saying will have some truth, that when we hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up.
I have no regrets about 2008, but it wasn't a breeze - I made tough calls and my life went by too many crossroads which forced me to make a decision after another. I ended up depressed. I was not one to make decisions without dwelling on it for sometime - but the circumstances didn't permit me to hang on in limbo-land - it caused me stress and when that happened too often, I became a tightly wound spring.
Although I'm constantly looking forward, I'm also wary - I don't think I can survive another year like this one. But there is one silver lining for me, that's almost definate - my post-grad studies will conclude in 2009. I hope it's definate, since i'm halfway done - but again, you never know - things happen and it brings changes. Hopefully, I'll get to the end of 2009 with this silver lining intact and in my hands - after a catastrophic year, emerging with one silver lining on one cloud secured in the palm of my hand is comforting.
Perhaps that's what silver linings are all about - hope and faith.
For without that, there is no christmas, no new year and nothing to wish for or look forward to.
In less than 7 days, it'll be 2009, a new year, hopefully one which will bring with it less turmoil and stress. I remember the Feng Shui people were saying at the start of 2008 that it was the year of the Rat and a new chinese cyclical calendar, which meant lots of changes etc. They were right - the mess didn't just happen to me, it happened to the entire world.
I haven't gone online to see what's predicted for 2009, it may be too early yet for anyone to post anything - but I hope the saying will have some truth, that when we hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up.
I have no regrets about 2008, but it wasn't a breeze - I made tough calls and my life went by too many crossroads which forced me to make a decision after another. I ended up depressed. I was not one to make decisions without dwelling on it for sometime - but the circumstances didn't permit me to hang on in limbo-land - it caused me stress and when that happened too often, I became a tightly wound spring.
Although I'm constantly looking forward, I'm also wary - I don't think I can survive another year like this one. But there is one silver lining for me, that's almost definate - my post-grad studies will conclude in 2009. I hope it's definate, since i'm halfway done - but again, you never know - things happen and it brings changes. Hopefully, I'll get to the end of 2009 with this silver lining intact and in my hands - after a catastrophic year, emerging with one silver lining on one cloud secured in the palm of my hand is comforting.
Perhaps that's what silver linings are all about - hope and faith.
For without that, there is no christmas, no new year and nothing to wish for or look forward to.
December 27, 2008
The biggest christmas present
Perhaps the most valuable, not biggest, christmas present, this season brought was news that this girl doesn't have to return to the halfway house yet. It wasn't a present for me (obviously) since that meant my space will continue to be shared - but for the girl, it was what she had been waiting for since April this year. Although there wasn't any indication that it was a 'discharge', it was a leap forward. Yesterday, she was due back to the Home.
For everyone who enjoys freedom, freedom to do as you please, freedom to walk where you wish, freedom to have a conversation with whosoever you want - we take it for granted and seldom think about it. But for this child, every scheduled phone call was listened in to, every shower time, scheduled - even meal times. Visits were limited and timed. The irony of it all was, she was there because her parents decided to be selfish and in their exchange of accusations, they forgot that children always end up getting caught and hurt.
Although this is the start of a new chapter for her, it's also the start of a long compromising period for me. It's tough enough to understand a straight-forward teenager - but one laden with issues she never used to have, is no walk in the park. She's also coming in to another home with different house rules, different expectations and basically, no opportunities to come and go like she used to in her own home - simply because I do not practice freedom without limits.
When I told her this good news, she was so happy, I could almost feel her screaming over the phone. It is, the best christmas present for her this year. She was still beaming when I came home yesterday evening - and looking at her face, I knew that all the sacrifices were worth it.
For everyone who enjoys freedom, freedom to do as you please, freedom to walk where you wish, freedom to have a conversation with whosoever you want - we take it for granted and seldom think about it. But for this child, every scheduled phone call was listened in to, every shower time, scheduled - even meal times. Visits were limited and timed. The irony of it all was, she was there because her parents decided to be selfish and in their exchange of accusations, they forgot that children always end up getting caught and hurt.
Although this is the start of a new chapter for her, it's also the start of a long compromising period for me. It's tough enough to understand a straight-forward teenager - but one laden with issues she never used to have, is no walk in the park. She's also coming in to another home with different house rules, different expectations and basically, no opportunities to come and go like she used to in her own home - simply because I do not practice freedom without limits.
When I told her this good news, she was so happy, I could almost feel her screaming over the phone. It is, the best christmas present for her this year. She was still beaming when I came home yesterday evening - and looking at her face, I knew that all the sacrifices were worth it.
December 24, 2008
there isn't just one way
How does someone accumulate so much of anger and disappointment?
A 13-yr old girl who's at the start of puberty and raging hormones probably would do this in a massive way - but it really isn't healthy. We certainly cannot blame anyone for this, but mother nature. Perhaps in the next evolution of man, mother nature may wish to organise puberty to happen slowly, over a longer period of time for the person who's experiencing it, to cope with the confusion.
But the more confusing part of this problem is when we realise that this affects girls more than boys. Boys tend to be less emotional and less inwardly directed. Girls tend to take everything to heart and be unpleasant. Mother nature needs to achieve a more balanced way to fix this.
This 13-year old is laden with disappointments, but if she doesn't learn how to cope with them, she won't make it in the real world, simply because in the real world everyone is a disappointment, everything is a disappointment. We make do and do what we can. It doesn't mean we don't do our best.
There is no solution for us, if we are going to stagnate - we can only bail ourselves out. 13 is a very impressionable age, yet it's the start of important years - years when we build our strength and find ourselves. To give up and internalise is not the way to go and perhaps that's where parents come in. But not all parents are equipped to deal with it - and those who are equipped may not wish to engage themselves for whatever valid reasons they may have. It's a terrible thing to say, that parents don't wish to engage themselves - but it's true. Sometimes the circumstances are so bad that the parents haven't healed enough to deal with another emotional imbalance - irrespective of whether it's their kid or not. Harsh reality but true.
What society needs are people who have time to help in the healing process - we have ignored the need for real counselors - I'm not talking about those who just put their arms around you when you're balling your eyes out at some tragedy. I'm talking about trained psychologists who operate with a valid book of international ethical standards. This society has grown to be spoon-fed, because we had an educational system that does that for too many years. Kids within that system have become young adults or teenagers who do not think very well - and adding the emotional confusion doesn't make their situation less messy.
How does the educational system get involved?
Well, that is learning isn't it? and if we are drilled to think there only one way, we will be laden with bad news when the real world says, there isn't just one way.
A 13-yr old girl who's at the start of puberty and raging hormones probably would do this in a massive way - but it really isn't healthy. We certainly cannot blame anyone for this, but mother nature. Perhaps in the next evolution of man, mother nature may wish to organise puberty to happen slowly, over a longer period of time for the person who's experiencing it, to cope with the confusion.
But the more confusing part of this problem is when we realise that this affects girls more than boys. Boys tend to be less emotional and less inwardly directed. Girls tend to take everything to heart and be unpleasant. Mother nature needs to achieve a more balanced way to fix this.
This 13-year old is laden with disappointments, but if she doesn't learn how to cope with them, she won't make it in the real world, simply because in the real world everyone is a disappointment, everything is a disappointment. We make do and do what we can. It doesn't mean we don't do our best.
There is no solution for us, if we are going to stagnate - we can only bail ourselves out. 13 is a very impressionable age, yet it's the start of important years - years when we build our strength and find ourselves. To give up and internalise is not the way to go and perhaps that's where parents come in. But not all parents are equipped to deal with it - and those who are equipped may not wish to engage themselves for whatever valid reasons they may have. It's a terrible thing to say, that parents don't wish to engage themselves - but it's true. Sometimes the circumstances are so bad that the parents haven't healed enough to deal with another emotional imbalance - irrespective of whether it's their kid or not. Harsh reality but true.
What society needs are people who have time to help in the healing process - we have ignored the need for real counselors - I'm not talking about those who just put their arms around you when you're balling your eyes out at some tragedy. I'm talking about trained psychologists who operate with a valid book of international ethical standards. This society has grown to be spoon-fed, because we had an educational system that does that for too many years. Kids within that system have become young adults or teenagers who do not think very well - and adding the emotional confusion doesn't make their situation less messy.
How does the educational system get involved?
Well, that is learning isn't it? and if we are drilled to think there only one way, we will be laden with bad news when the real world says, there isn't just one way.
December 23, 2008
Peer Pressure continued
It must be difficult for teens to find their own identity - but just how difficult, is something that seems too far away in my distant memory - I have no basis to figure it out, simply because it's never was something that bothered me so much that I became maladaptive. I remember moments when I wished I was a little more like other girls - who wore party dresses instead of jeans and a shirt - girls who wore make up when I preferred to just go without, not because I didn't want to, I didn't know how to. And although I was different from even my best friend then, I always was still part of the group. Looking back, it could have been because I could hold my own - I was a an athelete, class captain, office bearer for the cca and basically wasn't failing in class.
The whole problem could be that our teens today do not believe in self identity anymore. There may be a need for some kind of membership. If we said that it's because most came from homes with 2 working parents, I would say that cannot be the only reason. If each and every delinquent kid has his own identity, he would know that whatever he choses to participate in had consequences and if the end result clashes with his belief/value system, he would abandon the idea and then realise that his membership has no value.
If we golfed, we would go for a club membership with greens - otherwise it's just a social membership to a kind of club for a distinctive group. If you paid $5 for a membership, you cannot possibly expect a $50000 value in terms of service and facilities - there isn't such a thing.
So kids need to formulate their self identity really quickly - which we know, doesn't happen. How do we help them get around this? I don't think it's about having more lessons on civic and moral education because it obviously isn't working for our kids here. I think it's in being interactive - we need to engage in conversation, let them learn by example and give them confidence in expressing their opinion. If we keep shutting them up, every time they have an idea, we are pushing them away - because their friends would listen.
They need to be heard and their opinions shouldn't be brushed off as childish or silly. If it is, then let's have a friendly debate with them - engage their thinking skills - help them form a value system. Once they have that - you can be sure, peer pressure to them is history.
The whole problem could be that our teens today do not believe in self identity anymore. There may be a need for some kind of membership. If we said that it's because most came from homes with 2 working parents, I would say that cannot be the only reason. If each and every delinquent kid has his own identity, he would know that whatever he choses to participate in had consequences and if the end result clashes with his belief/value system, he would abandon the idea and then realise that his membership has no value.
If we golfed, we would go for a club membership with greens - otherwise it's just a social membership to a kind of club for a distinctive group. If you paid $5 for a membership, you cannot possibly expect a $50000 value in terms of service and facilities - there isn't such a thing.
So kids need to formulate their self identity really quickly - which we know, doesn't happen. How do we help them get around this? I don't think it's about having more lessons on civic and moral education because it obviously isn't working for our kids here. I think it's in being interactive - we need to engage in conversation, let them learn by example and give them confidence in expressing their opinion. If we keep shutting them up, every time they have an idea, we are pushing them away - because their friends would listen.
They need to be heard and their opinions shouldn't be brushed off as childish or silly. If it is, then let's have a friendly debate with them - engage their thinking skills - help them form a value system. Once they have that - you can be sure, peer pressure to them is history.
December 22, 2008
Peer Pressure
I was watching my gf's teen struggling with her personal identity and giving in to peer pressure. I have always wondered why teens these days are not strong enough to stand up and be their own person.
I know there is this school of thought that says - both parents are working and kids are left very much to their own devices - which is only partly true. Traditionally before, mothers stayed home, but it did not mean that they all raised kids with no issues. We still had delinquents albeit in a different area.
I have addressed issues like nose/lip piercings - tatoos - language.
My argument is rather simple.
If nose piercings were the way to go, GOD would have made us all bulls.
If tatoos were the way to go, GOD would have made us pigs or sheep.
Are children these days so desperate for membership that they would break house rules just to belong to another house? Is this the equivalent of a country club membership at their level?
If the country club has it's club house at the void deck and they still want that membership, then what is the message?
I need to think about this and post it another day.
I know there is this school of thought that says - both parents are working and kids are left very much to their own devices - which is only partly true. Traditionally before, mothers stayed home, but it did not mean that they all raised kids with no issues. We still had delinquents albeit in a different area.
I have addressed issues like nose/lip piercings - tatoos - language.
My argument is rather simple.
If nose piercings were the way to go, GOD would have made us all bulls.
If tatoos were the way to go, GOD would have made us pigs or sheep.
Are children these days so desperate for membership that they would break house rules just to belong to another house? Is this the equivalent of a country club membership at their level?
If the country club has it's club house at the void deck and they still want that membership, then what is the message?
I need to think about this and post it another day.
December 19, 2008
Retail Therapy
I have been having long weeks, drama after drama and finally, after a harassing day with anxious owners and their newly acquired apartment, I decided to engage myself in retail therapy. it's called Therapy, because supposedly we feel better after each session - better but definately poorer, especially when we are discussing me. Retail therapy for me runs into the hundreds of dollars, simply because I am not a quantity person, but quality - has been and will always be that way.
Some people spend hundreds on spa therapy - but for me that's expenditure I don't enjoy - partly because I'm not a tactile person - hate people who bump into me or even touch me when in conversation - i'm rather guarded about my personal space. Strange for a female but I couldn't imagine myself any other way.
I know some others who do not have the budget for spas, so they do simple massage or just foot reflex - which is an In-thing these days - but again, it would involve a stranger all over me - too personal for my comfort level - it's not being old-fashioned, it's about hygiene too - i'm a clean freak - so contact with strangers I will minimise aside from the customary handshake.
Sometimes I do wish I could enjoy spas or a massage which everyone else is indulging in, but it's not me and I do not know how to be anyone else except me.
so it's always back to basics for me.
high maintenance, but nothing complicated.
I could do therapy by conversation alone selectively - which is less expensive but it's not an impulse thing, since the people who qualify are far and very few. I would spare my ears the agony of a terrible conversation! Since even that is too difficult to manage, retail it is - no scheduling required.
Some people spend hundreds on spa therapy - but for me that's expenditure I don't enjoy - partly because I'm not a tactile person - hate people who bump into me or even touch me when in conversation - i'm rather guarded about my personal space. Strange for a female but I couldn't imagine myself any other way.
I know some others who do not have the budget for spas, so they do simple massage or just foot reflex - which is an In-thing these days - but again, it would involve a stranger all over me - too personal for my comfort level - it's not being old-fashioned, it's about hygiene too - i'm a clean freak - so contact with strangers I will minimise aside from the customary handshake.
Sometimes I do wish I could enjoy spas or a massage which everyone else is indulging in, but it's not me and I do not know how to be anyone else except me.
so it's always back to basics for me.
high maintenance, but nothing complicated.
I could do therapy by conversation alone selectively - which is less expensive but it's not an impulse thing, since the people who qualify are far and very few. I would spare my ears the agony of a terrible conversation! Since even that is too difficult to manage, retail it is - no scheduling required.
December 17, 2008
Santa
It's the last weekend before christmas and I'm not even in the mood. Sure, I have been shopping which isn't uncommon for me but not christmas shopping, just shopping - updating stuff. Work has been too much this week - my mobile phone battery just about makes it to 5pm when on regular days it's not even half empty.
I finally got my son his gift this year - tough call, since he's got just about everything he wants. Because I'm not a person who celebrates any festival, he gets stuff all year round and christmas is just not the same anymore, now that Santa doesn't visit the home - he's 15, a bit too old for Santa's toyshop stuff. But the wonderful thing about him is, he will still leave out milk and cookies for Santa, something he's done for so many years - his friends are laughing but well to each his own, because perhaps they never experienced Santa in their lives - my son has and there is this little part of him that believes.
I have come a long way, worked my way just to get to this manageable state and Santa has been kind to me when my son was a toddler. Everything my son wished for, it made it's way under the tree - miraculously - because I wasn't even having a regular income and toys were not cheap. For so many years, my son always had his stockings full and wishes granted - at least if not the first wish, one of the three - contingencies are good.
So, although commercially, we know Santa to be wearing a red suit, bearded and rotound, in 'reality' Santa could actually be an energy which surrounds us all the time, listens to us and grants us our wishes. Too many Christmases have gone by when Santa didn't let me down - and for that, I'm grateful that we have stories, we have experiences and which we translate into hope that perhaps the little things we do for others, return to us in different ways - and for me, it's always been christmas when Santa puts his surprise under the tree for my little boy (who isn't so little now) - why else do you think he is confused about this....because he's experienced it himself.
I finally got my son his gift this year - tough call, since he's got just about everything he wants. Because I'm not a person who celebrates any festival, he gets stuff all year round and christmas is just not the same anymore, now that Santa doesn't visit the home - he's 15, a bit too old for Santa's toyshop stuff. But the wonderful thing about him is, he will still leave out milk and cookies for Santa, something he's done for so many years - his friends are laughing but well to each his own, because perhaps they never experienced Santa in their lives - my son has and there is this little part of him that believes.
I have come a long way, worked my way just to get to this manageable state and Santa has been kind to me when my son was a toddler. Everything my son wished for, it made it's way under the tree - miraculously - because I wasn't even having a regular income and toys were not cheap. For so many years, my son always had his stockings full and wishes granted - at least if not the first wish, one of the three - contingencies are good.
So, although commercially, we know Santa to be wearing a red suit, bearded and rotound, in 'reality' Santa could actually be an energy which surrounds us all the time, listens to us and grants us our wishes. Too many Christmases have gone by when Santa didn't let me down - and for that, I'm grateful that we have stories, we have experiences and which we translate into hope that perhaps the little things we do for others, return to us in different ways - and for me, it's always been christmas when Santa puts his surprise under the tree for my little boy (who isn't so little now) - why else do you think he is confused about this....because he's experienced it himself.
December 16, 2008
My 15-year old son's Christmas gift to me
This is what I found on my desk when I got home from work today.
Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's "built"
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
Similar to how much cows love to moo
same love I have for you.
If you have to lie, don't worry, for I still love you
If you forgot something for me, don't worry for, I still love you
If you did something bad, don't worry, for I love you still
Even if you're forced to choose a path which saddens me, don't worry, for you'll be in my heart, forever and always - I love you for it
Perhaps, in some situation, you're forced to do things which you do not want to do, but have to, don't worry because I love you for it.
If you're to go on business trips and be further away from me, do not worry, for you know I'm with you at every second, in your heart.
And even if you're not able to get me anything, don't worry, for I always have you.
Now this, I didn't expect - and I will frame this up and place it on the wall - so that I will always remember that bad as 2008 has been, my son is one blessing that made it all worthwhile.
Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's "built"
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
Similar to how much cows love to moo
same love I have for you.
If you have to lie, don't worry, for I still love you
If you forgot something for me, don't worry for, I still love you
If you did something bad, don't worry, for I love you still
Even if you're forced to choose a path which saddens me, don't worry, for you'll be in my heart, forever and always - I love you for it
Perhaps, in some situation, you're forced to do things which you do not want to do, but have to, don't worry because I love you for it.
If you're to go on business trips and be further away from me, do not worry, for you know I'm with you at every second, in your heart.
And even if you're not able to get me anything, don't worry, for I always have you.
Now this, I didn't expect - and I will frame this up and place it on the wall - so that I will always remember that bad as 2008 has been, my son is one blessing that made it all worthwhile.
Part One - my son's Christmas gift to me
This is my son's early christmas gift to me - which I found when I came home from work today.
Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's 'built'
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
similar to how much cows love to moo,
same love I have for you.
Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's 'built'
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
similar to how much cows love to moo,
same love I have for you.
December 14, 2008
Being Firm
I have realised for many years now how my gf, who isn't any different from a majority of parents who give in to their children simply because they do not wish to compete against the other spouse.
This is especially true when marriages have dissolved and custody is being 'shared'.
What parents in such situations do not realise is, the end product, which is this kid they are quarreling over, will grow up without having learnt any discipline. Teens are worse because they would have developed a more secure sense of what is right and wrong and when parents contribute only by giving in, they will never grow up to be people who know how to give others consideration. They will grow up only thinking about themselves - the seedling for selfishness.
So, whilst divorces are rampant - parents should and must remember that no matter how badly their marital relationship has deteriorated, they must at all times 'sing the same song' where their kids are concerned. Thankfully, most kids grow up fine, but there is this increasing number of socially dysfunctional children will become societies dysfunctional adults. We have asked ourselves many times, whenever we come across adults who do not seem to care about anyone else except themselves, how they could live with themselves - but I'm sure we do know the answer - we just prefer to ignore it - because after all, it isn't our problem, is it? That is, it will not be our problem until they 'share' their selfishness with us.
This is especially true when marriages have dissolved and custody is being 'shared'.
What parents in such situations do not realise is, the end product, which is this kid they are quarreling over, will grow up without having learnt any discipline. Teens are worse because they would have developed a more secure sense of what is right and wrong and when parents contribute only by giving in, they will never grow up to be people who know how to give others consideration. They will grow up only thinking about themselves - the seedling for selfishness.
So, whilst divorces are rampant - parents should and must remember that no matter how badly their marital relationship has deteriorated, they must at all times 'sing the same song' where their kids are concerned. Thankfully, most kids grow up fine, but there is this increasing number of socially dysfunctional children will become societies dysfunctional adults. We have asked ourselves many times, whenever we come across adults who do not seem to care about anyone else except themselves, how they could live with themselves - but I'm sure we do know the answer - we just prefer to ignore it - because after all, it isn't our problem, is it? That is, it will not be our problem until they 'share' their selfishness with us.
December 12, 2008
Procedures & it's importance
I have been working on a development that has recently received it's Temporary Occupation Permit. The developer is actually at least 8 months ahead of schedule, which means, they are in no way at fault if there is any delay at this point in time, since the sales & purchase agreements state clearly that TOP is not until next year.
There is this buyer, who bought a resale unit - chasing for his keys, citing HUMANITARIAN reasons, because he's got no place to stay. He cries over the phone, tells me his gf is sick and that they are living in the airport. That was in September this year.
This is December and again, because we cannot allow anyone to move in until the final paperwork is done and payments disbursed which every seller will observe - we got accused of being heartless because his gf is sick and he threatened to sue.
I was really cheezed off and I told him that for that reason alone, we need to follow protocol - because people will say one thing and do another. All this time he was telling us that he wants to move in, doesn't matter if the building hasn't obtained TOP, if the building collapses, he won't sue us.
This is the very sad thing about people - they never think before they speak, they are selfish, always keeping the focus on their own needs and they do not bother if they are expecting another person to give in to their demands.
There are other locals who are not like that, but this one bad apple, will spoil the entire basket.l
Procedures are put in place so that it's fair play for all parties.
Sure, there are times when we make side agreements - but we must always think about why they were put there in the first place. For the 99% who will be thankful that someone gave them leeway, there will be that 1% who will never be appreciative because all they know is to take,take and take.
There is this buyer, who bought a resale unit - chasing for his keys, citing HUMANITARIAN reasons, because he's got no place to stay. He cries over the phone, tells me his gf is sick and that they are living in the airport. That was in September this year.
This is December and again, because we cannot allow anyone to move in until the final paperwork is done and payments disbursed which every seller will observe - we got accused of being heartless because his gf is sick and he threatened to sue.
I was really cheezed off and I told him that for that reason alone, we need to follow protocol - because people will say one thing and do another. All this time he was telling us that he wants to move in, doesn't matter if the building hasn't obtained TOP, if the building collapses, he won't sue us.
This is the very sad thing about people - they never think before they speak, they are selfish, always keeping the focus on their own needs and they do not bother if they are expecting another person to give in to their demands.
There are other locals who are not like that, but this one bad apple, will spoil the entire basket.l
Procedures are put in place so that it's fair play for all parties.
Sure, there are times when we make side agreements - but we must always think about why they were put there in the first place. For the 99% who will be thankful that someone gave them leeway, there will be that 1% who will never be appreciative because all they know is to take,take and take.
December 10, 2008
Being a Mother
I am in the final stages of working out a care arrangement for my gf's teen.
The saddest part in this entire exercise is the fact that this 13-year old is bearing the brunt of her family's selfishness. I understand that every mother would like to see a broken family reunited in her children, who probably got split up during the divorce process. Unfortunately, sometimes the mother's good intentions get twisted for every other person's benefit except hers.
This predicament my gf is in, is a classic example of this.
She thought it would be a great idea for all the 3 sisters to spend time together.
Because her 17-year old never lived with her and was raised by her ex-husband, she should know she doesn't have control, but nope, she thought that discipline was across the board. One disagreement with this 17-year old got her running to her 'papa' who then instructed this not-thinking girl to drag her 16-year old and 13-year old sister to the nearest police station to file a child abuse case against the mother.
So the 13-year old was removed from the mothers care and control and placed in a home.
I understand her pain, and so I volunteered to foster this 13-year old, with the hope that the case will be resolved and things can get back to normal for the mother. At the same time, I am concerned that as a mother, she will still want to the girls to bond during foster care.
Unfortunately, all visits by both parties need supervision - and this 13-year old cannot be left for either parent to remove for outings, since the state is now responsible for the welfare and safety of the minor - and even when that is transferred to a foster parent, the same will apply.
I am doing my best to make her understand that it's the best way to do things - we don't like to break family bonds, but under the present circumstances, we have to supervise everything.
Any level headed father, would not do this to a child, who doesn't run away, who doesn't pick fights or give disciplinary problems. He used this child to get back at his ex-wife. All the mother wanted was to have her children together for a bit - that isn't too much to ask - yet all he wanted was to take control of all the children - when he cannot even provide for them - he doesn't have a home to his name, but living in his daughter's bf's house.
I would hate to run people down, but this is certainly not how things should be.
No one can begin to understand a mother's pain, but for this reason, I decided to chuck out my first-born, the minute I found out she was talking to my ex-husband. I did it for the welfare of my son. I wasn't prepared to deal with low lifes, who would use products of the defunct marriage to get themselves one notch up their yardstick.
My gf needs to see that whatever that cannot be saved, should be left - and that although it may seem harsh, we need to be harsh to be kind sometimes - and that some people need to learn lessons the hard way - and no matter how difficult it is for mothers, we need to consider what's best for everyone in the circle.
That is the worst thing about being a Mother.
We have to make decisions that are unpopular for the greater benefit.
The saddest part in this entire exercise is the fact that this 13-year old is bearing the brunt of her family's selfishness. I understand that every mother would like to see a broken family reunited in her children, who probably got split up during the divorce process. Unfortunately, sometimes the mother's good intentions get twisted for every other person's benefit except hers.
This predicament my gf is in, is a classic example of this.
She thought it would be a great idea for all the 3 sisters to spend time together.
Because her 17-year old never lived with her and was raised by her ex-husband, she should know she doesn't have control, but nope, she thought that discipline was across the board. One disagreement with this 17-year old got her running to her 'papa' who then instructed this not-thinking girl to drag her 16-year old and 13-year old sister to the nearest police station to file a child abuse case against the mother.
So the 13-year old was removed from the mothers care and control and placed in a home.
I understand her pain, and so I volunteered to foster this 13-year old, with the hope that the case will be resolved and things can get back to normal for the mother. At the same time, I am concerned that as a mother, she will still want to the girls to bond during foster care.
Unfortunately, all visits by both parties need supervision - and this 13-year old cannot be left for either parent to remove for outings, since the state is now responsible for the welfare and safety of the minor - and even when that is transferred to a foster parent, the same will apply.
I am doing my best to make her understand that it's the best way to do things - we don't like to break family bonds, but under the present circumstances, we have to supervise everything.
Any level headed father, would not do this to a child, who doesn't run away, who doesn't pick fights or give disciplinary problems. He used this child to get back at his ex-wife. All the mother wanted was to have her children together for a bit - that isn't too much to ask - yet all he wanted was to take control of all the children - when he cannot even provide for them - he doesn't have a home to his name, but living in his daughter's bf's house.
I would hate to run people down, but this is certainly not how things should be.
No one can begin to understand a mother's pain, but for this reason, I decided to chuck out my first-born, the minute I found out she was talking to my ex-husband. I did it for the welfare of my son. I wasn't prepared to deal with low lifes, who would use products of the defunct marriage to get themselves one notch up their yardstick.
My gf needs to see that whatever that cannot be saved, should be left - and that although it may seem harsh, we need to be harsh to be kind sometimes - and that some people need to learn lessons the hard way - and no matter how difficult it is for mothers, we need to consider what's best for everyone in the circle.
That is the worst thing about being a Mother.
We have to make decisions that are unpopular for the greater benefit.
December 09, 2008
Being helpful even when we know we can't
A friend called me last night in a panic because she found out another friend of hers has been diagnosed with Manic Depression - we know it as bipolar depression. She was going to have her customary high tea with her and needed to know what she will be dealing with and how she could help as a friend.
Her friend is already seeing a private psychologist and on meds.
The great thing about friendship is this, the need to render assistance, where possible - friends do not have to always know how to 'treat' a clinical situation, but just to steer the meeting and conversation so that the patient feels better, not worse about themselves and their situation.
Thankfully, I did a presentation on depression before, during my undergrad years, although it wasn't this type exactly, I do have a pretty good grounding about it. So, all that effort didn't go to waste! My gf was really excited that I could give her a lot of pointers and she felt better about her upcoming tea. I'm glad I could give her an overview in lay terms - and if anything, at least she didn't feel helpless. She was surprised I could actually tell her about her friend - once I knew some background - which also made me feel better about being helpful.
If there is anything I'm good at, it's counseling people in this situation. Perhaps its because I've been there, is there and know what it takes to cope, when all else and everyone else fails. Although it's never advisable to give advice when one is not trained, it's okay to try to know more about it and help another person along. Therapists are as good as their patients would allow them to be and not everyone does it because of passion or ability. This lady has been in therapy for 6 years.
Perhaps if someone from her social network is encouraging, therapy may be able to do it's job properly. So, although my gf is not a therapist, she will be better equipped to handle her friend during an outing that not everyone is judgemental and that it's okay to be sick - we just need to want to get better.
Her friend is already seeing a private psychologist and on meds.
The great thing about friendship is this, the need to render assistance, where possible - friends do not have to always know how to 'treat' a clinical situation, but just to steer the meeting and conversation so that the patient feels better, not worse about themselves and their situation.
Thankfully, I did a presentation on depression before, during my undergrad years, although it wasn't this type exactly, I do have a pretty good grounding about it. So, all that effort didn't go to waste! My gf was really excited that I could give her a lot of pointers and she felt better about her upcoming tea. I'm glad I could give her an overview in lay terms - and if anything, at least she didn't feel helpless. She was surprised I could actually tell her about her friend - once I knew some background - which also made me feel better about being helpful.
If there is anything I'm good at, it's counseling people in this situation. Perhaps its because I've been there, is there and know what it takes to cope, when all else and everyone else fails. Although it's never advisable to give advice when one is not trained, it's okay to try to know more about it and help another person along. Therapists are as good as their patients would allow them to be and not everyone does it because of passion or ability. This lady has been in therapy for 6 years.
Perhaps if someone from her social network is encouraging, therapy may be able to do it's job properly. So, although my gf is not a therapist, she will be better equipped to handle her friend during an outing that not everyone is judgemental and that it's okay to be sick - we just need to want to get better.
December 08, 2008
Sharing Space
This was a weekend where I had to share my space with my gfs teen. For the many reasons people don't have store rooms, I share the same ones except that I am fortunate to have an extra bedroom which has been converted into my linen room - everything related to linen is kept there, including winter clothes and whatever else that is not in my daily wardrobe.
It's a room with cupboards - multiply sets.
So when I had to reorganise the space, it became torture - the ironing board had to come into my bedroom temporarily with one coat rack. I'm not used to this crampiness.
As a person who treasures space - all of a sudden, I felt constricted.
It had nothing to do with the extra company - she's no trouble at all. It has got everything to do with just how much of free space I am comfortable to work within.
I thought about how people would live in a studio - some 400 sqft - and I knew that I could never survive unless I take drastic measures to throw out 90% of my stuff ! I didn't accumulate 'rubbish' over the years because I throw them out constantly - it's just having neat cupboards set according to what it's storing - and not to have a room cluttered with unwanted things.
My home is very cosy - I have huge furniture and most say it's 'filled'. But sparse isn't my style. I would have a small coffee table for each couch, for practical reasons - I don't believe in having one coffee table for all sitting around to share - sharing space must not mean unpracticality -
At the moment, this is a struggle - I'm not sure if this will work out in terms of sharing my space although I know it will work out for her in terms of having a stable foster home.
I have some time to think this through, thankfully.
It's a room with cupboards - multiply sets.
So when I had to reorganise the space, it became torture - the ironing board had to come into my bedroom temporarily with one coat rack. I'm not used to this crampiness.
As a person who treasures space - all of a sudden, I felt constricted.
It had nothing to do with the extra company - she's no trouble at all. It has got everything to do with just how much of free space I am comfortable to work within.
I thought about how people would live in a studio - some 400 sqft - and I knew that I could never survive unless I take drastic measures to throw out 90% of my stuff ! I didn't accumulate 'rubbish' over the years because I throw them out constantly - it's just having neat cupboards set according to what it's storing - and not to have a room cluttered with unwanted things.
My home is very cosy - I have huge furniture and most say it's 'filled'. But sparse isn't my style. I would have a small coffee table for each couch, for practical reasons - I don't believe in having one coffee table for all sitting around to share - sharing space must not mean unpracticality -
At the moment, this is a struggle - I'm not sure if this will work out in terms of sharing my space although I know it will work out for her in terms of having a stable foster home.
I have some time to think this through, thankfully.
December 04, 2008
strange comfort
I had a dream of my best friend who passed away too many years ago. I haven't dreamt of her in years, simply because I thought she had 'crossed over'. It was really strange - in the dream, we were having a meal and a conversation about my personal life. I cannot believe that it was this real.
Although I have good friends, I don't have a best friend like her - one I was actually hanging out with daily...perhaps when in school it was easier to hang out, but still, we were too close.
I'm obviously stressed out - have been like this for months now, but perhaps she felt that I needed to hear it from her. Perhaps I'm actually burning the candle at both ends and in the middle as well. Perhaps, I'm so freakking depressed that it's killing me slowly.
Sure, I'm functional, there won't be a time I am not because my responsibility overrides everything else. I have moments when I'm not functional, like after a day's work and I just feel like vegging out and cannot sleep.
I never got to tell her things I wanted to tell her or worse still, she had something to tell me, which she never got around to, because I was too busy to meet with her.
so perhaps she's comforting me in some way - as a scientist, this sounds stupid, but as a person who does believe in the existence of spirits (for whatever reason), it's strange.
She told me to hang in there and i'll get the comfort that I need.
it's something to think about - because comfort is so foreign to me these days that everyone is getting chewed up - of course there is a valid reason to begin with, but perhaps that's one way of venting.
Perhaps she knew I was lonely and upset and that this cannot go on and that if there is anyone I would take advice from, it would be her.
Whatever the subconscious reason I may have to have her spirit manifest in my interrupted sleep, got me thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, she has been with me all this time, but just wanted me to go on with people who are alive.
Although I have good friends, I don't have a best friend like her - one I was actually hanging out with daily...perhaps when in school it was easier to hang out, but still, we were too close.
I'm obviously stressed out - have been like this for months now, but perhaps she felt that I needed to hear it from her. Perhaps I'm actually burning the candle at both ends and in the middle as well. Perhaps, I'm so freakking depressed that it's killing me slowly.
Sure, I'm functional, there won't be a time I am not because my responsibility overrides everything else. I have moments when I'm not functional, like after a day's work and I just feel like vegging out and cannot sleep.
I never got to tell her things I wanted to tell her or worse still, she had something to tell me, which she never got around to, because I was too busy to meet with her.
so perhaps she's comforting me in some way - as a scientist, this sounds stupid, but as a person who does believe in the existence of spirits (for whatever reason), it's strange.
She told me to hang in there and i'll get the comfort that I need.
it's something to think about - because comfort is so foreign to me these days that everyone is getting chewed up - of course there is a valid reason to begin with, but perhaps that's one way of venting.
Perhaps she knew I was lonely and upset and that this cannot go on and that if there is anyone I would take advice from, it would be her.
Whatever the subconscious reason I may have to have her spirit manifest in my interrupted sleep, got me thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, she has been with me all this time, but just wanted me to go on with people who are alive.
December 02, 2008
Extending a real hand to help
Which is more important, a self-identity or an identity that designated by social circles? Dumb question, but you'd be surprised how many are victims of their social circles.
Self-identity
A sense of self that doesn't depend upon what your circle of friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours think. It's a person's trait which makes up the building block of how that person would react, what he would hold important and what is trival.
A person with a strong sense of self-identity, will be able to stand by his views even in the face of a majority with a varying view.
People should accept themselves for who they are - and be happy with what they see.
This attitude destroys friendship, because conversation becomes a quiz, where there is an underlying need to be seen as the more successful.
I met a good friend of mine after loosing touch with her for too many years - and lately she has regressed into this sad state. I have no idea why she has this need to constantly belittle people yet never failing to add that she is a simpleton and then goes on to say that she's not an academic (couldn't even pronounce that word, by the way), yet she has been enlightened because of her travels. She was referring to another person who's in her social group who is a law lecturer.
Then she goes on to say that another chaps daughter had to do a post-grad year because she wanted to get into some Art school in the US but her own daughter could enrol for a Master's programme right away.
I think it's wrong to think that of anyone - people do a post-grad year for many academic reasons - I took the time to explain to her, that especially when a student decides to major in a different field, it will be required - but she prefers to run them down.
The conversation was filled with what a good cook she is, what a delicious cake she baked, what a good mother she is, what a good wife she is.....what she needs is a Shrink.
she has issues and if she would just stop and listen to herself, she would know how she lost track of what life is about. It's really pointless to preach then do the direct opposite.
it's really also pointless to offer help to a drowning man yet when he stretches his hand to be pulled out of the water, you tell him you need to make a phone call and when he drowns, you say, if you cannot swim, why go into the water.
Then instead of beating yourself up for making an unimportant phone call, you decide to make reservations at a classy restaurant for you and your other friends. During the meal, you will tell them how this stupid friend of yours went into the water and drowned and that although you wanted to extend a hand, you didn't because he should have known better and after all, if you didn't make that phone call, there won't be a table for all of you.
I have volunteered to foster my other gf's child. You know what this other friend told me?
"don't forget that it's not your child and if the mother is irresponsible, it shouldn't be your problem"
she knows that at this point in time, I have to do this otherwise the child continues to stay in a shelter.
Are there really people like that?
Yes, you don't even need to look very hard for them.
Self-identity
A sense of self that doesn't depend upon what your circle of friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours think. It's a person's trait which makes up the building block of how that person would react, what he would hold important and what is trival.
A person with a strong sense of self-identity, will be able to stand by his views even in the face of a majority with a varying view.
People should accept themselves for who they are - and be happy with what they see.
This attitude destroys friendship, because conversation becomes a quiz, where there is an underlying need to be seen as the more successful.
I met a good friend of mine after loosing touch with her for too many years - and lately she has regressed into this sad state. I have no idea why she has this need to constantly belittle people yet never failing to add that she is a simpleton and then goes on to say that she's not an academic (couldn't even pronounce that word, by the way), yet she has been enlightened because of her travels. She was referring to another person who's in her social group who is a law lecturer.
Then she goes on to say that another chaps daughter had to do a post-grad year because she wanted to get into some Art school in the US but her own daughter could enrol for a Master's programme right away.
I think it's wrong to think that of anyone - people do a post-grad year for many academic reasons - I took the time to explain to her, that especially when a student decides to major in a different field, it will be required - but she prefers to run them down.
The conversation was filled with what a good cook she is, what a delicious cake she baked, what a good mother she is, what a good wife she is.....what she needs is a Shrink.
she has issues and if she would just stop and listen to herself, she would know how she lost track of what life is about. It's really pointless to preach then do the direct opposite.
it's really also pointless to offer help to a drowning man yet when he stretches his hand to be pulled out of the water, you tell him you need to make a phone call and when he drowns, you say, if you cannot swim, why go into the water.
Then instead of beating yourself up for making an unimportant phone call, you decide to make reservations at a classy restaurant for you and your other friends. During the meal, you will tell them how this stupid friend of yours went into the water and drowned and that although you wanted to extend a hand, you didn't because he should have known better and after all, if you didn't make that phone call, there won't be a table for all of you.
I have volunteered to foster my other gf's child. You know what this other friend told me?
"don't forget that it's not your child and if the mother is irresponsible, it shouldn't be your problem"
she knows that at this point in time, I have to do this otherwise the child continues to stay in a shelter.
Are there really people like that?
Yes, you don't even need to look very hard for them.
December 01, 2008
one step forward, three steps back
Finally, we are in December.
The last month of the year.
It's a year punctuated with changes; raw reality; friendship and basically, the real crossroads of my life to-date.
I remember the Feng Shui masters were saying that 2008 is the beginning of a new cycle - well, they are right - there wasn't any facet in my life that didn't change. I have never made this many changes at one go, always preferring to do things bit by bit, for adjustment sake.
Whilst I contemplate the year, I know that I'll never be able to think that I'll not be alone because I know that I will be. There isn't anyone who will be able to consume me in such a way that makes me helpless, or dependable because I have lost trust in people long time ago.
But that's not to say that I'm not happy.
Happy is a state of mind.
Happiness doesn't have anything to do with being alone. People are able to be alone and happy.
There are people out there, many who manipulate and secure their comforts first. My pain, for too many years, is that I bore the brunt of another person's selfishness. Long apologies won't do it.
Remember the movie, the Love Story.
Love is never having to say you're sorry.
I thought about that for many years and could never understand what she meant.
Now I know.
If you really loved a person, you'd never put them in a deliberately painful, hurtful position that you'd need to apologise for.
They would have meant everything to you, that you would rather hurt yourself than them. Saying you didn't know it would hurt them is not Love - because when you love someone, you know what would hurt them.
Saying you didn't know means, you don't care enough to find out.
What's painful about this realisation is :
When you have lost faith in people, relationships, how do we give another person a shot?
It's one step forward, 3 steps back.
Perhaps that's all there is for me, since I don't seem to be able to get past that one step forward that I sometimes hesitate to make, because i'm plagued with so much pain that it does hurt when i breathe.
The last month of the year.
It's a year punctuated with changes; raw reality; friendship and basically, the real crossroads of my life to-date.
I remember the Feng Shui masters were saying that 2008 is the beginning of a new cycle - well, they are right - there wasn't any facet in my life that didn't change. I have never made this many changes at one go, always preferring to do things bit by bit, for adjustment sake.
Whilst I contemplate the year, I know that I'll never be able to think that I'll not be alone because I know that I will be. There isn't anyone who will be able to consume me in such a way that makes me helpless, or dependable because I have lost trust in people long time ago.
But that's not to say that I'm not happy.
Happy is a state of mind.
Happiness doesn't have anything to do with being alone. People are able to be alone and happy.
There are people out there, many who manipulate and secure their comforts first. My pain, for too many years, is that I bore the brunt of another person's selfishness. Long apologies won't do it.
Remember the movie, the Love Story.
Love is never having to say you're sorry.
I thought about that for many years and could never understand what she meant.
Now I know.
If you really loved a person, you'd never put them in a deliberately painful, hurtful position that you'd need to apologise for.
They would have meant everything to you, that you would rather hurt yourself than them. Saying you didn't know it would hurt them is not Love - because when you love someone, you know what would hurt them.
Saying you didn't know means, you don't care enough to find out.
What's painful about this realisation is :
When you have lost faith in people, relationships, how do we give another person a shot?
It's one step forward, 3 steps back.
Perhaps that's all there is for me, since I don't seem to be able to get past that one step forward that I sometimes hesitate to make, because i'm plagued with so much pain that it does hurt when i breathe.
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