Autumn on site

This is a beautiful sight - the breeze was blowing lightly, just before the rains fell. This is one reprieve all of us got in the middle of the day - almost like autumn in tropical singapore.

Watching this, drew a smile because it's nothing like simplicity that brings us such contentment. Although my life has never been punctuated more, than now, I could still soak in the wonders of nature - how this beautiful tree would be bare, right after this change of colour, only to have fresh leaves sprout again soon.

If only our lives are somewhat like this - colourful just before we become a skeleton only to hibernate and have a fresh lease on living again.

Everyone needs to be Cared for

When a relationship breaks down, whether long-term or legal, the parties would have their own reasons for how they ended up there. On the surface, most would cite the following:
*she/he doesn't understand me
*third party
*compulsive gambler/alcoholic/womaniser
*violence

What we should actually look at are not the reasons recognised on a broad level, because that's just a collection of words that people talk about in these situations which has become some what of a generalisation. Specifics are a more definitive way of concluding an event like this, because at least the bases would have been covered so that it doesn't recur with another person.

For many people, seeking the bottom line is not something they take time to do. I didn't do that in my previous relationships, always preferring to just walk out and leave the mess as a mess. Then, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't, what's there to dissect. But now, as my focus on my life turns towards building a foundation for my son and trying to live by example, I feel that there is a need for more clarity, so that he grows up knowing and not guessing about life and people. Many will not be able to understand why I have this need to be so specific and tiresome. This is my psychological fixation - the bottom line.

Yesterday, after heavy verbal bombardment, my soon-to-be Ex, said that
"You do not want to be cared for"
Very quickly, I tried to fit that statement into those listed above and guess what, it didn't fall into any group. I then realised that what I have experienced in the 17 years of marriage was built on this assumption that he had gathered in his head. It may have been his excuse for marrying someone who was independent, self-sufficient and basically a person who could work, clean and mind the house without any help from him - he went on to do just that. He also told me that he married me because 'You make a good mother' - which meant, he knew what I was and exploited my nature to his advantage.

For everyone who is reading, never ever assume that someone doesn't need to be cared for. Baby animals need to be handled, cared for - you cannot leave him in the cage, supply food and water and expect it to live - it won't. Animal rescue workers will tell you that. Anything that's alive needs to be tended to, cared for - even cut flowers. You want the beauty to last, you snip of the ends, bit by bit, change the water in the vase - you do not just plonk it into a vase and leave it on the table. Plants need to be pruned, soil loosened and watered for it to sprout new shoots.

And so, I have all the answers now and I am able to conclude this permanently.
My bottom line is : If a person stays with you but doesn't care for you because he thinks you don't need to be cared for, then leave that relationship because if plants and non-human animals cannot survive without care, don't think that humans are special and that we can.

This has caused me to become clinically depressed and suicidal - kittens would just perish under such circumstances - and I am almost there.
You need to be cared for.
everyone needs to be cared for.

It's not about suffocating a person and lavishing him/her with gifts.
It doesn't cost money.
It requires just a little thinking and consideration for another's well being.

luck of the draw

It takes all kinds to make up the world - and so the saying goes. And unfortunately, when two extremely different people are stuck in a situation, only the worst will surface.

If only people take on their responsibilities seriously and with pride, can all others be ensured that whatever it is that happened wasn't because of an oversight, laziness or couldn't-care-less attitude. I believe that if any justification can be reasoned out, then there wasn't a need to allocate blame and that it becomes a sincere problem requiring a level-headed solution. But when someone deliberately shrugs his responsibilities and reasons that with "I forgot" then that is carelessness and done with an ulterior motive, because just how many critical things could a person actually forget in their lives? We wake up in the morning with a mental list of things to do, and prioritise items - systematic people would do that - any person running a household would do that - or any person working will do that - it's part of life, to have some responsibility.

But there is that 0.1%, who somehow went to the washroom, whilst GOD was dishing out grey matter and so they were born without it. Because of this, they walk on earth doing nothing but destroying another persons sanity, openly. For a person who isn't lucky with lucky draws, this becomes really corny.

It doesn't matter what kind of a relationship we are in, when dealing with these people - they will screw up, regardless and take your sanity along with you. I am dealing with my being clinically depressed by keeping my focus on work - but now that work is approaching it's tail end, I find my outbursts more frequent and the symptoms are cropping up ever too often. The soon-to-be X is capitalising on this and I have been plagued with migraines and chest contractions. No one is ever worth all this pain, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I hate myself for putting me in this position. I hate myself for waiting this long to find a solution.

As a psych major, I know i'm walking on a very fine line but there is nothing much that I can do for myself right now except to quietly think and try to keep busy. No amount of therapy can fix me, since the object of this frustration is flaunting irritations daily in my general direction.

I never knew how it felt to walk close to the edge and be conscious when the light fades out, until yesterday. Perhaps it's not a bad thing, just to get rid of the source of the pain, once and for all.

I wanted to ask GOD, face to face, if I deserved this at all - picking the 'luck' of the draw.

The lamest Excuse

The lamest excuse anyone can come up with is, I FORGOT.
That became the lamest excuse, because those two words are supposed to be a valid reason.

It's not that there were/are no genuine situations when we actually forget, but when a person uses it constantly or every time there is a non-performance of duty/responsibility, then it becomes lame. It's a convenient getaway.

I live with a person who has the words I FORGOT as a mantra.
It's a daily occurance and anyone in my situation will begin to believe that they actually do not have grey matter, since they are not able to retain information. Perhaps it was a head trauma they suffered 50-odd years ago when going through the birth canal.

There will be times when we forget to get an email out, or when we forget to chase a client for something, because we were swamped on another deadline. But when a person forgets, because he's doing nothing else, then it's basically irresponsible and the person probably should be in a wooden box waiting to be cremated.

It's okay to forget when we sincerely do.
But we should never use that as the way out of being irresponsible - but that's wishful thinking because no one would ever admit that they are parasites who do nothing more than live off another creature for their sole benefit.

to miss a collision

The wonderful part about waking up in the morning, is the cool air and just watching the view outside my study window brighten up...

This is how we should appreciate the wonder of living, yet we complicate it with so many issues.

I have had many, many moments in my life, when my patience just ran out and it left me angry, disappointed and terribly upset. Migraine was a regular guest and it almost paralysed me time and time again.

Over the years, I have learnt to ignore irritations and just focus on my life's task at hand, leaving me with more room to reflect and appreciate my personal life. However difficult it may be, since we are not the one steering another person's ship, which may decide to collide with ours, I have managed to avoid bulls' eye collisions for a while.

Everytime I feel that the ships are going to collide, I'll try to change course. It's like taking an alternative route. It's not my new way of avoiding issues, it's just me not wanting to confront anyone and preserving my sanity. It doesn't always work, since there will be days when I feel gung-ho and want to feel some pain. We all have moments when we feel that enough is enough so let's have it out - not necessarily the best way but perhaps it had to be done.

After avoiding major collisions for a while, I decided to get right into one yesterday.
It was a simple statement of fact. We should appreciate another person when the person is alive - mourning and grieving are for those close to the deceased. Why bother to put on a show just because there is a funeral going on? Why bother to even pretend that the deceased meant something, when they clearly didn't factor into your life in any way, at any time, for more than decades? It may be a harsh thing to say, but honestly, when a person is cold in a coffin, they are no longer there - it's the soul that needs prayers to be uplifted.

If anyone cared at all, prayers should be offered for the departed soul. I used to wonder why some religions never have wakes, the person is dead today and buried tomorrow - now I have understood it. We are important when we are alive - once our soul leaves our body, then it's prayers that's more important than a physical presence by the side of the casket.

So this collision, had to happen, because I never believed in putting on a show just because. I believe that our life had to matter, because if it didn't, then we need to have very good friends to be offering prayers every day that we have departed or we better have made provisions to have those same prayers offered for our own soul!

Life matters

This is the 'youngest' chick, so tiny it's amazing. trying to get a clearer picture but the flash on the camera is not helping.

The little things (pardon the pun) make a difference in our every day living. This little fella has gotten me really excited and the lunar new year having passed makes it more interesting.

A new life is always seen as the beginning of whatever - it's supposed to be auspicious - i hope so, because clearing up the nest box is rather tedious. But as with all 'life' it's fragile, that's what this chick represents - we never realise when another life gets wounded through word and/or deed, which could hurt rather badly. And as with this little life in my hand, we should always cherish life so that it can grow to fill another's world with sunshine.

Things do not always work out the way we want them to, but sometimes, it's better for us to accept the bad, along with the good and move along. It may damage us somewhat, but we still move along and perhaps some day, we'll be able to be less damaging to ourselves and focus on what's more important. Life has to matter.

New Beginnings & an Ending

This is a picture of Cocktail and Woody's Clutch 2. How apt to have them hatched on Feb 14th. Perhaps this is a celebration to Year 2009, a new beginning.

When you watch a new born, especially birds, it's amazing, because digusting as the thought may be, when just out from the egg, their wing, is the size of the 'white' part of my nail on my pinky finger. And imagine, we have that as bbq wings for some species! Eventually, this tiny wing will take this baby bird to flight, that even you and I are unable to.....

and as i walk in and out just staring at them in awe, I was told that my ex-sister-in-law, or more accurately, my ex's sister, just passed away at age 57.

Life has to matter and it doesn't matter if it's a bird.
We have to make our life matter, so that in the suffering of life, it wouldn't have been for nothing.

Negative & Positive Energies

Some people believe in energies, some don't. We live in a world full of vibrations and in order to get some peace, our environment needs to be resonating with good vibrations. I am not into chakras and all that, although I'm sure it exists. Simplicity is best. We do good to generate good energy and vibrations for ourselves. This doesn't mean that I do not have a mean streak, it just means that I will not intentionally harm another person unless provoked - which is reason enough for me to be nasty. Otherwise, I will not be able to justify my 'meanness'.

I have started reading up on negative energies - not because of interest but out of curiousity. As a person who has lived life this far, being able to pick up 'energy', the presence or absence of it, in reality is always another chapter for me to dissect. It's always good to read widely anyways, although to be fixated there may not quite be 'normal'. Everything should always be done in moderation - that's my mantra.

When our environment resonates positive energy, we feel less burdened. As a psych major, everything begins in the mind and ends in either positive or negative action. The label which will eventually be attached to any behavior depends greatly on the societal norms. What is positive in one society may not be the same in another. What's accepted in one may be shunned in another, and so the story goes.

But when it comes to negative/positive energies - its almost apparent in every society, just whether the individual has given thought to it or not. As living souls, we are the personification of energy - how good or bad an energy this personification is, would depend upon how we influence our surroundings daily. So, if we are a huge ball of moving energy, what happens when we are finally laid to rest? This energy will be freed from 'bondage' and 90% of it may be 'returned' to our Maker, or even if 99% was returned, there will be trace, right? That's what I'm interested to read about - the millions who die, would have since left millions of trace energies in percentage points...that could be either positive or negative, and that, is what we are all living with, without realising it.

Before dawn

I didn't imagine this picture would come out this tiny, but I wanted a shot of the full moon.

I was waiting for the cab to take my son to school, and was drawn to look up. It was breathtaking, not only because it's a full moon, but just that this morning, there was a cool, light breeze, making the moment just perfect..before the break of day.

Full moons do not have any significant meaning for me, but each time I stare at one, it brings to mind, 'grandmother tales' like how one doesn't point at the moon because you don't want a cut behind your ear. I still cannot figure how that story came about, since most tales has some kind of 'reasoning'...like don't eat fish eggs because you'll do badly in math....

And so, this picture looks like it's nightfall, instead of 6.30am....
It's a poor picture, but I didn't think I needed to bring my digital camera to wait for a cab...
anyhow, it's one for my memory.

Preferences

If anyone said being on my work site is boring, it certainly isn't. The white dog, is the 'resident' of this street. She apparently belonged to the car park security people before the area became a construction yard. She had a 'brown' friend, who apparently passed on, because of age and she has been alone for quite sometime.

I have always been concerned for her, because drivers these days do not drive slowly, even when not on the main street - they make quick, sharp turns and hit the accelerator all the time. But being a street dog, I suppose, she knows when to hurry along and when to just trot across the road. Today, she brought a friend - a golden retriever. Funny, how her previous pal was a brown mongrel and now her current pal is a tan retriever. I wonder if there is any significance, not that it really matters, but , do dogs have preferences?

When people refer to another person as a dog, usually it's derogatory to some extent. Dogs are known to just follow commands 'without thinking it through' because it's their nature to please which isn't always seen as a trait of strength.

Therefore, in this case, white dog, apparently has a preference for brown pals - living example that dogs may be yappy and always happy to see you, only because they are holed up with you, having no other choice. If you let them free, perhaps we'd appreciate that they can make a decision on their own, without having to take cues from us.

Bottom Line : things are never as simple as they seem to be. If we took time to ponder, we may find clearer definitions and a more level understanding of how things/people really are.

My goose is cooked

I am a goose so cooked.

I have been so busy sorting my gf's daughter, work and sorting out my home's schedules that I totally left school aside thinking no one is looking for me. Today I logged onto my email (campus) and omg, my prof has been looking for me. The good news is, they are obviously excited about my research topic - the bad news is, I hardly started on the research coz I was too busy trying to get approval letters here and there.

Term is not going to start until 2nd March because it's classes for just one module - research is taking up the entire year. Residential school is 3rd week of March and seriously, I haven't settled down yet. I'm still very disorganised and my head is still not screwed on.

At times like this, I wish I was a full-time student, but then, who's going to pay the bills so that excuse gets thrown out the window - and i'm stuck with - wake up and get moving. Trouble with work is, it's too much already - it's not that work generates income so I need to pack it in, it's the unaccounted for work that's causing me this stress. The nature of my work is simple, either you do everything, foc or not and ensure long-term business or work for what is paid and set a precedent that anything that's not on contract will not be done. Because it's a service oriented function, it's better to always take on additional responsibility - that alone will ensure long-term business for the team.

Now I'm biting my nails waiting for my prof to reply. I promised that the final draft will be on his desk before the end of the week - why so long...? well, i'm busy with work the next 2 days and there is no way I could get the proposal proof-read and bounded for melbourne.

Inefficiency - that's all there is to it.
yup, i cooked my goose and now it's sleepless for the next 48 hours.

Life on the other side

This was taken from the patio of a unit my team is leasing. Obviously, a view minus the city clutter would mean, it ain't on the mainland.





Welcome to living on Sentosa.


For the average beach and resort goers, coming home to this view is probably a dream and will remain one since apartments and houses on Sentosa runs into millions of dollars - a tad too much for at least 80% of the population. By that I mean the born and bred here population - not that I'm against imports, I'm just pro Reality.





I was impressed with the finishing, which is certainly worth the money owners paid for their units. But again, that's where it ends for me, simply because I'm not a beach goer, nor do I give credit to a beautiful seaview other than to state what it really is - that is, a beautiful seaview.





I did stand out there on the patio for a few minutes, to feel the cool breeze brush my face - unpolluted air - what a refreshing change!
I could do this for 3 days albeit not alone (I would wilt out of boredom), and then I need my city drug cocktail of pollution in all it's glory and the convenience of retail shops for therapy - that I can manage alone.

Mama & chick

The first time I saw her was when I was out on a site inspection, but I was with my 'boss' so although he was sweet enough to actually drive around again and stop for me to go "WOW"...I didn't want to take my camera out for a shot - we were on the job and time was something we never do have enough of.

Today, I drove there again, with my colleagues, and finally, I got my chance to take a snapshot of her. She was without a care in the world - just strutting along with 2 chicks in tow. I managed this shot of one chick, but the other is on the other side. She wasn't bothered about the car - neither was she bothered that a human was so 'sua ku'. This was taken outside Underwater world on Sentosa - and because she was so trusting of people, she actually came towards the car when I was doing my best to attract her attention for a shot.

This, would be one of the other things, that makes my day - to witness how unafraid animals are amongst us, nasty humans. It's how this world should be - co-existence.

Pineapple Tarts

My first attempt at Pineapple Tarts. Although we are halfway into the 15 days of the Lunar New Year, it's better late than never, I suppose.

That's just how busy I have been, wanting to do so many things (at home) and never finding enough time to actually get down to it.

It didn't take me too long to do this, since I wasn't even sure if I could do this, after not baking for so long. I always believed that people are either cooks or bakers and it's a known fact that I'm a cook, not a baker. Since I learnt everything through taste, culture and of course the 2 years in home econs, did help a bit. But whether it is cooking or baking, you would need to have this 'want' to do it, otherwise the food or pastry will not turn out right. I am a strong believer of that - which is probably part of the peranakan culture that makes up half of me.

It was a sunday well spent - it's been a long time since I actually messed my fingers up with pastry - I thought that the size was right, almost the same - something my granny used to tell me - she was quite particular about cut vegetables being about the same in size and that goes the same for pastries made without cutters. I never understood why, since after we eat it, it's all mush in our stomachs anyways - but now, I understand.