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March 30, 2009

At the Starting Block

Have you ever wondered why we are always at some 'race'? Is life all about races?

Semester started weeks ago, yet our tutorial schedule has just been fixed - Residential School is over and done with - translated, that means, we are back at the Starting Block. Before Residential School, we were kept busy skimping chapters, just so we won't be lost. Now that tutorials have just begun, skimping chapters won't do - the race is on - racing to the finish line.

Although we are fully aware that time is not on any students side, we still drag our feet. It's no wonder people who are not in graduate school, keep asking me for a valid reason, to put myself through this torture again and again. To say, it's my passion, is almost cliche, because if a person hated academic work, then one could never do this. Juggling work and graduate school, is no laughing matter and when grades have to be kept to a decent minimum, it's suicide. I don't mind hanging out at the starting block but I do hate the wait - the wait for the starter's gun - the wait to actually 'take off' from the line.

Whilst waiting, few things have been clouding my mind.
- when can I cross the finish line
- do I have to attend all the tutorials
- is this the final race?
- what if we all don't make it because we cannot get our research up to the mark

I am a slow starter - have always been - need to pacify myself times over before my thoughts get organised and psyched-up for any race. It's dwelling at the starting block that consumes me.

When we are stuck and really feel exhausted with all that's going on, dwell a little - it's not a bad thing. But do it quickly, because it's best to start running, when the starters gun goes off, and not start running to catch up.

So, at 'get set' or 'sedia' - just focus on getting past the finish line - the answers to the questions will automatically appear, right after we entangle ourselves with the tape.

March 27, 2009

Push the Buck

These days, few would volunteer to stick their heads out for anything. Most people prefer to keep things clean, by that it means, stay out of unnecessary trouble by not getting themselves involved in whatsoever way. Regular people behave this way and unfortunately, so do professionals who are called such, because of licensing.



There is a building regulation here that doesn't permit any hacking of any wall until the building obtains it's certificate of statutory completion. Nothing else matters. It's like saying, you cannot bring down the wall today, but you can do it next week once you get your CSC. Logically, I do not get the rationale. So, this can be added onto rules that doesn't serve the purpose at all, except to collect more revenue for the respective departments, in case the wall has to come down for whatever reasons and a new team of architects and professional engineers have to be hired for that application.

What this situation supports is this mentality - stay clear of messy situations - don't get unnecessarily involved. Push the buck.

It's an infectious cycle - replicating in deep pockets of our society, and over time have become somewhat of an operating system.

And whilst the 'professionals' are pitting their wits against each other and the system, the people in between are on a carousel ride. Time would have been wasted, additional monies would have been spent.

It would have been easier on everyone else, if the authority, whether CSC obtained or not, just allowed the wall to be brought down, provided it's not a structural wall, because that's how the outcome will be, once the CSC is obtained. Why go around this pillar, if it's not going to adversely affect the safety of the building? There is no rationale that is logical for this wait process.

With all the higher education, scholars who are writing regulations, it's not helping the business person, it's just bleeding them. It's almost like paying undertable money, because fees will have to be paid again by a third party, just so the rules are not flouted. Not building safety, mind you, but rules which are only there for a while more.

March 26, 2009

Games people play

Most times, I don't bother about what game a person is playing, simply because I'm usually onto them even as they are trying to execute it.
A person resorts to such low behaviour when they themselves are very much lacking in real ability. What they do not realise is, game playing will only cause them more misery than they can even begin to imagine.

We all know that divorces are never games, yet there are the few who like to dabble in them. I'm sure anyone's spouse of too many years will get irked, when they have to make changes in the housing dynamics - move to a spare room and take all their personal effects along.
A married couple can account for legal separation when there is no sexual relations between them for 3 years. BUT that is nothing to the person, unless he's being physically removed from the main bedroom - lock, stock, barrel.

Being a compassionate person, I do try to minimise the impact of bad news, I first threw out his clothes, personal effects and then him. Wasn't easy, because my spare room IS my linen room, but patience paid off. It didn't bother me much before, since we were never in the house at the same time, until he decided to work regular hours - which meant, we will be in the same house at the same time - which wasn't good for me, because I felt that he violated the agreement to not be at the same house at the same time. So, I did what I had to do, for MY peace of mind and to protect my space - told him to VACATE.

I have had my space for more than 4 weeks now and frankly, it's the best thing to happen because I can rest well, without worrying that it's my space only because he's not around. Now, he's trying his hand at game playing - acting stupid, saying dumb things and basically, trying to just park his carcass in my line of vision, just to irk me.

He doesn't learn at all. Never, ever play games with me, because when I decide to play, he'll loose, hands down. And so, I started one set yesterday. He's dumb enough to think his strategy is working, so be it. At the end of the day, I would have charged him extra for irritation - he's going to end up buying groceries, paying for my son's school fees, lunch money and everything else that's going to come out of the mail box - i shall just sit back and go shopping.

Bottom Line : when it's over, it's over - never try to outsmart reality - because games are for kids - and unless you're stagnating at that age, behave like an adult and accept responsibility by adult standards. It's like putting one-gran on one hand of poker when you have no clue how the game is being played. It's suicide.

March 25, 2009

About Driving

Most adults would attempt to obtain their driving licence before actually buying a car. Because I'm always out-of-sync, I own a car, but do not have a driving licence. My colleagues are rather excited that finally, I started having conversations about actually learning how to drive. They are telling me that automatic cars are easy to handle and driving will be a breeze. I somehow have my doubts.

For people who are gung-ho and are not able to come to terms with their limitations, that conversation would have been a booster to anyone's confidence level. But we are discussing me, the no frills, no icing type of person - the cut to the chase, get to the point and what now, kind of person. I threw a bucket of cold water on the conversation, because I don't care if an automatic car is easier to drive, I'm more concerned about how I'm supposed to look at the rear view mirrors and feel comfortable that I could actually estimate the distance of the car behind, before making a call to change lanes. The answer came very promptly - you'll get after driving for 2 days. You know, that's not an answer at all. I could well 'GET IT' in two years - point is, how does one 'GET IT' when that alone is my personal limitations, as I know myself to be.

In relays, I never run the 2nd, 3rd or anchor - I'm always the starter - simply because I have this thing about watching runners coming right at me - it doesn't amount to a phobia, but it's like being a sitting duck. I was looking at the side mirrors yesterday and discussing it with my colleague who was more focused on driving, so obviously it didn't help, he couldn't help me with the vision, since he had to keep his eyes peeled to the front. I know the view from the drivers seat is different - I have sat behind the wheel before - it's not better, but worse, since I couldn't see the end of the bonnet. Call me short, but how does one estimate the distance in front if you cannot see the end?

It's mental trauma, but it's either I find a way to get over it, or my car's going to be stuck in the car park until my son gets his driving licence.

March 24, 2009

Erase the past?

When asked, most people would not change anything in their lives - simply because whether an event was positive or negative (in the person's opinion), it would have contributed to how they became WHO they are today.

That is a fact. We are the product of our experiences to-date - good or bad - and when we remove something negative, we risk loosing some small essence of ourselves today.

For example, when a person is emotionally strong - it doesn't mean that he/she had positive experiences in relationships that is causal. It could also be because he/she had negative experiences which caused him/her to strengthen his/her emotional being for survival.

Having said that, would we take a chance, delete some negative experiences and hope that we turn out just as we are today? That is, provided, we are happy with who we have become, present day. This is a tough question - we say we are happy depending upon what are the variables operating at that point we are being asked to answer the question. But generally, most people would have some grievance or other, which we would like to tweek, just so we are less bothered by our shortcomings. Unless we are the type who are perfectly guilt-free and are able to function telling ourselves lies day in day out.

The sooner we come to terms with ourselves, the better our chances of securing a more acceptable outcome. Many are able to make-do - not because they do not dream of a better outcome, but that people are creatures of comfort, preferring status quo to change. There is nothing wrong with that - we choose how we wish to live and if existing is it, then it is it.

For a person who dwells, I am not able to make-do.
Dwelling does damage for people who are unable to control this habit - but when one dwells and figures things out, then it's no harm done. Forget the fact that being a Type A, makes me an impossible woman - had I been a Type B, I could well be 6-feet below ground, possibly because I ended my life, which was punctuated with wrong turns and stubborn decisions - I wouldn't have been able to continue living, because I wouldn't have had the determination or strength to carry on.

Impossible I may be, it is also my survival kit.
Perhaps, at the end of the day, I will close the chapters of my life and wished that I hadn't been so harsh, but knowing me, I would probably find reasons to validate everything that I did - and validate it, I will - because I would have dwelled sufficiently on any route before actually re-assigning my position.

So, whatever our shortcomings and negative memories we have as baggage, accept it. It's hard, because it reminds us that we are alive and feeling beings. So, Type A or not, there is such a thing as emotions - it's just how well under control it is.

We are who we are because of our past.
It doesn't make us a better or worse person than we are, present day.
What matters is, who we want to be tomorrow - and how we plan to get there.
That's what people miss in this story, that we cannot change the past but we are allowed to dwell on it and make changes for the future. Unless there is no tomorrow, then - it's pointless to even have a discussion about it.

March 23, 2009

The final page of a long chapter


Nero passed away in the wee hours of this morning.

His passing marked the end of a long chapter in my life.


I got him when he was about 8 weeks old, abused and frightened - spitting, clawing and nothing at all like what I imagined a kitten would be. I got him from my gf Tina, who was doing a lot of cat rescue work. He was hauled out of a drain in Kim Keat, after the rain. She had to lift her bed to get to him. He was the first cat I ever had. Tina was skeptical but she had too many to actually care for him, the way he needed to be cared for. He was untrusting and certainly wasn't going to do well in a multi-cat household - and I was inexperienced and not the best person to work with him. But I decided to give it a shot, because I had no other pets and I would be able to focus on his needs and work with him.


That was the start of my involvement with strays. At my busiest, I had 8 cats - of my own - they all passed on before Nero - of some illness or other - some I got when they were already old and so, although they lived long, they were never with me that long. All my maids couldn't handle him - he didn't allow anyone to carry him, hold him or handle him. He was the king. I was the only one who could medicate him and basically, handle him. He only recognised me as the person he trusted. He lived for 17 years and no one could do that, not even my maid of 5 years, especially if he's irked about something and needed to be handled.


I used to bring him everywhere, in my little duffle bag, when he was a kitten, just so he wouldn't be so afraid of the world. Even when my son was born, he was there but never gave trouble. But when I brought a stray home, he would charge at it...he was good with kittens though....always have been. Perhaps he knew that kittens needed assurances - like him when he was that tiny....but he never got it from the public...


Today, he closed a long chapter in my life. He started his life with me, as I started mine on this equation. As my book with my ex closes - Nero chose to leave - it's like he knew, I got it settled finally and he could rest now. It's sad because that alone made him truly my pet. When I spoke to him last night, he softly mewed. I told him, to go...because he shouldn't suffer and that I'll be fine, because I finally sorted things out for me.


I told him mummy loves him, always have - and that he will always be a huge part of my life that no one could take away, because he allowed me to share his life.




March 21, 2009

Academics by No Admission

The good thing about finally getting things going, is the fact that you know approximately just how far along more, you have to go, before crossing over the finish line. The bad thing about finally getting things going, is the fact that the word FINALLY, means, there is already some delay in getting off the starting block.

It's really exciting to get back onto the swing of things after 3 months break literally - the adrenalin gets pumping and the brain cells finally finds something intriguing to grapple with. But after academic intoxication for 7 hours - I'm not happy drunk, but in a drunken panic.

Thats the whole trouble with life - we can never be happy about anything, because there is always a BUT factor. I haven't seen my classmates for so long, and although we were glad to meet up again, there was this underlying emotion called "punctured elation" - it was so bad that no one had the time to catch up on our social life, except to say "why are we lagging this semester in terms of tutorials and text?"

I work great with tight deadlines, but this is really pushing it - we have deadlines oozing out of our pores and tutorials which haven't gotten off the starting block, textbooks which are just on the way here and residential school in progress.

And so, whilst lazily lapping up my quick fix dinner, I was thinking if this is the only thing in life that really means something to me - so much so that I would bend over backwards to get it done. We are all bending over backwards - my classmate switched from full-time to part-time work - I quit full-time work and another one totally found a new job which is less taxing. Are we all going to actually do great in this field, having made huge sacrifices in our own way?

I hope so, because we have been loaded with a full-time student schedule, when we are not full-time students - and it must count for something.

But even if it didn't, in this society, which doesn't see Psychology as the rest of the world, I feel that it would be a personal achievement - the graduating class is not doing it because we need to upgrade our skills - most have not chosen this path as a career yet - why not go do an MBA? it would be more useful here than our major field of study....
Perhaps we are just academics by no admission.

March 20, 2009

They don't make 'em like they used to

Forget about being impatient or explicit. These days, it's getting more difficult to deal with a generation of people who have been so exposed to an educational system of garbage in garbage out that they have lost their ability to think out of the box.

Give them a situation out of the norm and you will find them making no sense of the argument. A client didn't have a copy of his ID but a copy of his ownership of the property - the other agent insisted that we didn't do anything for his buyer since this was told to us a day before. He started his hand washing of the situation, saying that we are throwing the blame on him - when nothing of that sort was verbally exchanged.

It's sad that people are not able to understand anything, even when the conversation is explicit. He kept going in a loop, when I was only interested in moving forward i.e. now that we don't have the ID, what can we do to move? It's like he was caught in this electrical circuit and couldn't pry himself to find a solution. My boss was so agitated that he told me what he usually does - tell them we are not interested to sell.

See, how did this generation of people get this bad in comprehension? The world is full of hurdles, no point taking out a guide book and hope to find out more about the hurdle before looking at a way to overcome it. If there is a hurdle, find a way to either jump over it, or run around it - but standing and looking at it, isn't going to get us past it. We can do all the investigations after the fact, but get the job done.

I always thought it's because I have lost my ability to be patient - but well, perhaps it's not me. Perhaps it's just people who are not able to think at all. They are used to straightforward paths and once faced with something out of context - they get lost and confused and verbally it comes out garbled.

They don't make people the way they used to - people who can move forward and not be stagnant because of an unforseen situation. Who's fault? definately not GOD.

March 19, 2009

more for less

Yesterday, my team and I had an ugly encounter with a property agent. After agreeing on the fees to be paid to him, he coolly demanded for more. This is really unethical behavior and unacceptable. His validation is simple - he found out that the other agent was getting more.

It's like in retail. When we sell a bottle of shampoo to the consumer, the consumer knows that there is a mark up. People need to make money, otherwise, who pays rent. So the price tag would tell the consumer how much he's going to have to pay for it - it may well be 50-cents more than another shop, but it's the consumer choice - people pay more for service and whatever else they feel is right by them.

In the real estate transaction, it's the same. There are no commission guidelines anymore - it's been removed. Consumers have the freedom to negotiate fees, which is good, because a lot of agents rest on the laurels of market practice and expect same fees for lesser work.

The agent had the audacity to demand for the tenants cheque back, because he wanted more commission, it was like as if he had the right to give up the premises. We told him that since the cheque is not his, we could only return it to the tenant, and the tenant was obviously not willing to give up the premises at all.

It's these few agents who make this market place so unprofessional. It's not about having a CEHA or whatever real estate training that the productivity standards board wants to implement. It's about whether a person can overcome his greed to deal in unethical transactions just so he gets more for doing less.

March 17, 2009

Deadlines

When the deadline looms near, panic fills the air.
That must be every students path - at least students who are responsible enough to bother about what their grades look like.

Since our exams, I haven't really communicated with my classmates coz we all were busy working people and with the festivities and whatnot, everyone got engrossed in their respective lives. But now that our text has arrived - my mobile phone has been busy receiving sms-es about deadlines and how late everything is this semester. Perhaps that's what classmates do, we get support from the group or comfort.

Trouble is, my pal from my class, has kiv-ed his study for a year and I'm basically without a side-kick this semester. Class will be boring, because we used to be the ones cracking jokes and contributing to an argument for the sake of arguing - with valid points too.

Anyways, I have started reading my text and hopefully, I'll be able to discipline myself to do that and get started on my assignment. Although stats isn't my favourite topic, it's not something I'm totally lost about, just having some retrieval issues......I'm sure it'll come back to me, sometime before my deadline! Although I know we are behind, I'm not really in a state of uncontrollable panic, perhaps because we've been through this often enough, several times a semester and perhaps I've found some internal coping mechanism for myself. We do manage to cope - or at least, our brains are built to find a way to block out the panic to some extent.

The good news is, deadlines will not be a thing of the past for me or my classmates, too soon. I'm sure we are all looking forward to more critical deadlines, just because this isn't the last graduate programme we will find ourselves enrolled in. Although we cope with the anxiety better, it doesn't mean the anxiety dissipates - it simply means that we manage it better with experience.

March 16, 2009

Formula One in a Go-Kart

I just picked up my text - which was delayed coming in - and we have a deadline on 8th April for the first assignment. Class hasn't even commenced yet - and we have just under 3 weeks before submission.

I don't know how to really address this lag. We are in a perpetual state of lagging. It's amazing that we actually got halfway - since there is always something or other that gets us behind and not ahead of schedule.

Perhaps this is what graduate school is all about - work which provides us income is the priority and school, which our jobs are paying for is just below that - so although we work real hard to pay our fees, we lag in getting things done. Sure, we eventually get the stuff submitted on time, but at what cost? Most of us would end up taking leave (for those in full-time employment) or not sleeping for a week before the assignment is due, just so we catch up on time management.

Every semester, we go through the same hell - rushing this, rushing that - did we all not learn anything at all? This time, although the late arrival of the text is not our fault, still doesn't solve our perpetual state of lag. It's like going for a Formula One race in a Go-Kart.

SO unless we have superb skills which doesn't depend very much on the engine, we are pretty much done for. We have lost the race even before the race has been flagged off. Discipline is one thing, reality another. My excuse is straightforward - I need time to wind down from work, before hitting the books - it's a 180-degree switch for my brains - which is quite a feat. The amount of time I need to do the actual switch would depend very much upon what erupted during work hours. Caffeine does help but it doesn't get the work stress to stop and park itself somewhere insignificant and allow the other study traffic to commence it's crawl.

I need a good formula one car - and frankly, after too many years, the body may be nice and shiny with lots of help from The body shop, but the engine, well and truly had.

March 14, 2009

call me heartless

Sometimes we make tough choices/decisions which are surprising and out of the norm. Not everyone can understand that it was also difficult for the decison-maker to come to that decision. If a choice is tough, it's tough - and no matter how bad it looks on the 'public' level, it still didn't put the decision-maker in an easier position either.

What people need to understand, is that sometimes, we need to be cruel to be kind. No everyone operates on the same level i.e. we do not feel the pain of a victim of an accident, although we are able to 'feel' their discomfort - it's two different things. We can never know how the other person is feeling to the pore of their skin and sometimes it takes the very impossible, before we can totally understand why the person had to go the way he chose to go.

I have come across as a very tough person - simply because I have chosen to live by my own merits completely - I chose to minimise my dependence on social networks and family support systems, simply because I didn't want to ever have to do something I didn't wish to do, or half-hearted about. Many people find me very verbose - but that wasn't so in the first 20 years of my life. I spent those times watching, making mental notes, and just figuring myself out. Perhaps that's why I describe myself as quiet, but willing to speak my mind. I'm very firm about how things should be done, because without discipline, nothing gets done. That I learnt from the 'school of hard knocks'.

So my inner circle of friends, who's known me for 20 years at least, who accept me for who I am, still cannot understand why I come across as lenient to my son and unforgiving to my first-born. Perhaps the dynamics of the relationship is too complicated for everyone to comprehend. My son has never, to date, given me reason to doubt his intentions. He is straightforward and doesn't deal. My first-born is manipulative, lying and always with an agenda. To make it worse, she's in touch with her father, who had physically abused me even when I was pregnant with her. How will someone understand, why I have chosen to cut my ties with her? They can never understand, how I took the battering and shielded the unborn child from being hurt. To have fed her, clothe her, never lying to her about how she came to be, yet have her lie to me and see him behind my back. I raised her, with no help from him, and right after she becomes a teenager, he makes himself present in her life.

I am not able to forgive her or him for that.
Take it like i'm some surrogate then.

I have issues with this and I have dealt with it, my way. If the bottom line is unacceptable, then too bad, because I was the one who was physically abused, I was the one who could have gotten badly hurt, just because I was trying to save an unborn child. I am not prepared to be manipulated and used again, by the same 2 people again.

Call me heartless - it doesn't matter - if I don't look after my heart, who will? them?

March 13, 2009

About having Goals

We hear this all the time - about people having goals - it's fashionable because for most, it does get the job done. However, when dealing with teens, it's not always as clear - I didn't have a career goal until I completed my O-levels - in fact, if people spoke about slow starters, then i'm IT. I went for my O-levels without a clue about the general direction I should be heading. By the time the results were posted, it was obviously too late, had I returned anything less than what I got. Fortunately for me, fate always had a way of re-routing me and I had an opportunity to do my A-levels, which at that time wasn't on the goal card - not because it was something I didn't want, but I didn't know where I was heading. So when I was accepted, to do my A-levels, I just went along against my parents wishes, which was to go get a job, as most girls do that (then). Thankfully, I listened to my heart and head, which didn't listen to anything except fate. I believed that if the route wasn't for me, it wouldn't have presented itself.



Now, I'm dealing with my son, who will be reaching this crossroad soon. He has no idea of what his preferred educational route is, which isn't a huge deviation from the norm for his age group. Yet, it worries me that because there is no general direction, he will not find his way. He mentioned that he likes writing, and he does write a decent piece, or at least I've read some decent pieces. I took some time last nite, to explain how different his options will look like, as he makes those choices, either voluntarily or by merit.

It doesn't matter if we don't know how to get there - it's more important to have a need to get there. When there is a will, there is a way, but the will is not always built on strength. Things like this cannot be learnt by example, because it's not tangible. We could have the very best of role models, yet fail terribly when placed in a similar situation. People react differently to stressors and that's the blatant truth. There are many times, we know what we should be doing, yet never getting it done, simply because the degree of our responses is just different. We do not view emergencies or alarms with the same exact urgency.

I shall continue this discussion again with him today and hopefully, it won't be a one way conversation, where he's listening but not totally understanding why his mother is telling him what he thinks he already knows. As a single parent (literally) his being adaptive is more important to me than anything else, simply because he's learning how to be responsible from his mother, not his father. If there is anything I wish for him to learn from me is not to shy away from having goals just because it seems out of reach. Nothing is ever out of your reach long term, if you have it within your sight.

March 11, 2009

Less meandering please

There are many times in my life when I wished for less mental trauma and perhaps a more straightforward path. The past years have been nothing short of a meandering road, twisting and turning until it exhausted me. The ole remedy has always been that it will strengthen us and one day when we recall, it will bring us relief and we will somehow know that it was best for us. I would like to always be positive, but really, reality is anything but that.

Each day, I tussle with issues, either it directly or indirectly involves me. There isn't a day, when I wake up to no issues. It's either this or that, never nothing. Perhaps that's what makes my life eventful - but then, I didn't wish for my life to be so punctuated with events - I know there are many people out there who just exist, eventless and they manage a fulfilling life too - perhaps in their context.

Even when I am doing paperwork, it's never just straightforward paperwork - there is always something else and it's becoming such a cliche that it's annoying. I don't wish to be cynnical, but a meandering pathway has made me expect turns when they are not on the cards and the strange thing is, the turn will happen.

There hasn't been a moment in my life when I didn't have to take a sharp corner and re-invent the surroundings. Perhaps it's because I have never charted out a route for my life to take and use that religiously. It may result in less surprising days, but I know people who are not affected by monotony. I do wonder if it would make me a different person, had my life been less surprising and more expected. Quite likely.

I do not have regrets, I just have moments when I wish things were easier to manage - but beccause manage I will, it never converts itself into a regret. It would be tragic to wake up in the morning to regrets. But it would be change to wake up in the morning to appreciation for having the strength to steer the sampan around bends, which didn't just show up when it wasn't on the map.

March 09, 2009

What he means to me...

I caught this whilst at the transit area of Suvarnabhumi - a stream of light - which to me was significant.

In my life of upsets, depression interrupted with bouts of laughter thankfully, not mania, there is a ray of hope that I'll be able to manage this.

There are days when I wonder if I will ever make it. Each day, is so punctuated with 'trouble' that its tough to actually wake up and feel great about anything.

My break in Bangkok meant everything to me. I could breath and for once, not be a slave to my phone. I could spend some time doing what I love the most, my studies and not be interrupted by some leak somewhere on site. For too many months, it seemed impossible, since I needed time to wind down, and time is never on my side. Just when I am winding down work, something else crops up at home - and it goes on and on. I'm not a switch, I cannot switch back and forth at the snap of my fingers.

I haven't laughed so much. I have not felt so safe than when he's next to me.
It's a comfort to open my eyes in the darkness only to slowly be conscious that his arms are around me and keeping me warm. And when I do open my eyes, I see his twinkling and his smile makes my heart skip a beat. All he would do is hold me tighter and put me back to sleep.

When I look at this stream of light, I think of him, because he reminds me that I have the strength to make it through, albeit somewhere lost inside of me. That was enough to keep me on track. I may be at my weakest point of my life, but it's a point i need to manage well.

March 08, 2009

i'm back

I had the most undisturbed break in a long time - except for the 'madness' when I arrived and as I was packing to leave, it was a break from weeks of ringing phones and complaints. Actually, I haven't really had a good sleep - coz my brains are always on overdrive, that I think sleep took over and I wasn't a bit hungry until almost 11pm the next day.
I managed to get my paper started, which is great, since that was the reason I needed to pry away from here - this part of the paper sets the tone and if not written correctly, will definately bring me chaos.
I shared my break with someone dear to me, the only person I ever take a break with - and although it's difficult to understand the dynamics of our relationship, he was there for me - he walked in just after I completed my Introduction section, which was timely, since I was beginning to count the minutes before his scheduled arrival. He was early and he wanted to show up unannounced.
At that moment, all I could think about was, how glad I am to see him safe - how warm he feels and how wonderful it is to see him smile. After that, nothing mattered because I knew that I would be able to rest well.
Yup, still the same ole me, unable to sleep alone in a strange room, in a strange city.

March 02, 2009

Taking a break

This term 'taking a break' was never quite in my vocabulary until some 10-odd years ago. Prior, I was always too busy teaching and taking care of the household. I was stuck in the music school 7 days a week and we never heard of taking leave, since we only saw our students once a week and getting a relief wasn't always convenient for the school. Then came a turning point in my life, when I decided to just live and stop existing - start thinking about myself for a change because it was creating mess in my head. And so I did.
There are some people who enjoy travelling, thinking it 'opens up their minds' - how that happens, is beyond me. How open our minds are would depend upon how receptive we are at reading and accepting new bits of information, which may sound absurd to the culture we are accustomed to. Some others believe that when they travel, they become 'enlightened' - yes, I have been told just that. I suppose it would mean the same thing as 'opening up ones mind'.

When I travel, I get away to unwind - literally take a break. Although sometimes, my work travels with me, it's a change of scene and it does take away some stressors, in the environment here. I take a break to just enjoy my own company, do what I want, see what I want and basically, to not have to talk when I don't feel like talking.

I'm leaving for a short trip tomorrow morning, to my favourite haunt - bangkok.
It's not for MBK or whatever, just running there for some quiet time, catch up on school work and just be lazy, do whatever that I feel like when I feel like - no schedules - just time.

For a person who has been to Bangkok too many times for a break, I have never gone to the floating market or any sightseeing. Silly, but to me, there is no necessity, since a river ride isn't my cuppa....I would rather just walk the city streets, take in the noise, pollution and bask in Thai hospitality, very different from here.

I 'take a break' literally. Although there were times when my trip was more work than anything else, it was different, because I was still left with pockets of time to indulge in whatever fancies me - like walking the streets in a light drizzle - walk about with a latte in hand, something i never do here. Here, i sit when drinking coffee - so, it may be a tiny pleasure for me, but it's always the small things that matter....the smallest things that allow us to gain the greatest perspective.

That to me, is taking a break.