Twitter

I have no idea what this Twitter does, but it looked easy enough - and so why not? I managed to link it to this page and well, let's see what happens.

I am not high on using all the tools in the internet since time is never something I have in luxury, but I'm okay to just plod along to figure things out - if anything, it would give me endless hours of stress, just trying to get a whole big picture and we all need to 'upgrade' ourselves just to stay in the loop about what's going on in the world of free information exchange.

I have been looking into something I would like to do online, for a long time now, and I may just dive into it soon. People have webpages, sell stuff on ebay etc., so perhaps this is as good a time as any to get down to doing what I wanted to do - have a web-page that is useful and interactive. The idea came to me yesterday, although it was born, more than 10 years ago. Then, the internet was slow and webdesigners were far and few - only large ISPs hired them.

I suppose, for all things online, it's great for information - light and heavy - it certainly has changed the way people read, because we can do ebooks too. It may not be a total solution for us, but it's a start to share thoughts, information and perhaps build bridges towards better understanding within people of different backgrounds. An opinion is an opinion and as long as we see it in that light, we can expand our thoughts.

Being delusional

Which is worse, having more information or less?

Most would say they prefer to have more information, so that if a decision has to be made, it would have been made based on what we term "informed" decision. However, not everyone is able to put things in context and when there is an information overload, it confuses the situation instead of making things clearer.

Whatever it is that we own, we need to think and feel and know that there is some value attached to it. We get pretty riled up when told otherwise. That's human nature - we do not wish to have made a poor investment or judgement. We feel that we are being attacked personally when told that the product that we have doesn't have as much a value that we imagined it had. We feel that people who tell us this honest fact are just not good enough to carry out their job.

What we do not see is, the problem is not with others, it's with our perception of things. As much as we want to sell something for more than it's value (because we own it), the buyer would want to buy something for lesser than the current value so that he has room to profit (in future). No one will do any investments when there is no room for appreciation.

And so, this entire weekend, I was stuck with a delusional owner - who insisted that a unit having a park view and one with a back-lane view didn't matter. I'm sure, if he was the purchaser now, he would tell me different, that watching children in the playground is much better than looking at the KTV's utility room - full of dirty linen, cooking smells and half naked men parading in a towel in the afternoon - he couldn't understand why he couldn't sell his unit for as much as the one with the park view. Perhaps he felt that his unit had live feeds and that warranted some premium.

Irony of a Sunset

Instead of ploughing through my books, I spent yesterday afternoon working and the greater part of the late afternoon and the entire evening, at an Orientation for volunteers. It was supposed to be probably an hour thingie, but the organisation served light refreshments and so the briefing didn't start on time.

It started at the meeting point. We were waiting at different entrances. By the time we cleared security and walked into the secured premises, it was dark. With all the unexpected delays, we didn't finish until 9pm. After that, we definately needed coffee and supper, so we squeezed into 3 cars, and drove to the nearest point where there is some civilisation - changi village - I havent' been there in donkey years and well, didn't even have time to look around, because I was more focused on getting food down my oesophagus. There was no way I could use the public transportation system to get home, because it'll take too long and I needed to either get back early so that I can unwind before hitting the books OR unwind and leave things till tomorrow (today). I chose the latter.

So the irony of a sunset - this sunset reminded me that for us, who can always plan for tomorrow, we take for granted what we have. For those, whom I may counsel as a volunteer, it may be the last they ever see of the sun. And so, I stood outside there, wondering if I got things right in my life. One sunset, so many questions. I'm sure I'll be going back and forth to this question, if I do go through with this.

One day before my stats exam and I don't feel any better prepared.

I hope this setting sun, is not going to set fire to my paper tomorrow - I chose to attend a briefing, which isn't going to give me even a paid job 2 days before my exam. I hope it means something which isn't getting an F for stats.

do we still do our best?

The worst thing about getting prepared for exams is not the revision or the reading up of text but the fact that it's either open book or closed book. Most people are very happy to have an open book exam - which probably would work for any studying subject - but when it comes to something like stats, it really doesn't matter anymore. You either know how to do manual calculations or you don't - there is no other way of looking at it.

Most times, I prefer closed book, simply because the questions arising from the understanding is rather fundamental. However, when it's open book - anything under the sun could be incorporated, and it's not how much time you've spent studying, but you must understand how formulas are derived. In the age of information technology, where researchers use softwares for various calculations and graphing, is there a need to be examined on this subject? All we basically need to know in practicality is where to put what on the spreadsheet. But because this is graduate school, we needed to go further into stats and hence my predicament. I have spent more time on this module than I have on all the rest and given that, I am sure, I will not return more than a credit, that's reason enough for me to not favour stats, a necessary evil. If I had put in the same amount of time in something else, it would have secured me the very sought after distinction. The other subject which didn't fair well with me was Assessment - something also involving numbers - perhaps, when I see a string of them, I get put off - too tedious because I have run out of patience in my being. All other modules worked out better than assessment, considering, I hardly did much studying at all, relying mostly on tutorials and just reading - I scored better in all of them without much effort - I say that because this is a part-time programme and we all work the greater part of the day.

I'm not giving excuses, but just that the past 2 months have made me feel like a full-time student and I just know that it'll be credit.

So do we still do our best, when we more or less know the outcome, based on historical records?

Yes we do, because we have put in too much money and it will affect the direction thereafter.

Clutter & wastage

As you can see, I'm making many attempts at getting the drawing of a cat right. This cat, i've coloured like Pringles - at her best - asleep, almost all day.

Unless the drawing is really bad, I usually save it on the art block and go back to make adjustments, an hour or so later.

It's hanging in my kitchen.
Besides drawing this, I've moved the fridger - yup, to create more space for baking and cooking. I was doing fine with everything for the kitchen in the kitchen until an egg flew out of my hands and landed on the rug - so, the cost of one egg, drove me to organise for more space.

When we first dive into any project, it's always great - but after sometime, I may just move stuff about again - it's just my way of never being able to completely settle with something. This has always been a trait of mine - I do not believe in letting things be, always trying out alternatives to get to another level - So, my baking has calmed down a bit, because of exams but moving stuff didn't and the new drama is drawing. I will probably stop when I run out of picture frames, which should be very very soon - it started with my idea of recycling the frames, because I didn't want the pictures that were in them. Some were given, like the Egyptian drawings - which seemed okay for a few years, but i got tired of them, since I couldn't really appreciate what the drawing was about - some came in decent enough frames, so, instead of throwing drawing and frame, I took out my pliers and screw driver - and undid the nails etc. It's messy, but managed to overhaul a whole lot already this week.

After all, it was the drawing that bothered me, not the frame - we should recycle what we can use, and junk what we do not understand or do not wish to keep. Clutter isn't kosher and wastage isn't how we should live life by.

I can do that 2 !

This is my latest - first picture uploaded in a proper frame. It's actually hanging in my bathroom - since I have repossessed my ensuite recently, I thought to give it a make-over with a personal touch. I didn't think it was necessary to go out and buy decorative stuff if I could 'add-value' by being creative - after all, it's my and only my ensuite.

Tough to fanthom, but besides taking the odd two dollars, ten dollars out of my wallet, the X, was still using the ensuite until two days ago, when my fuse blew.

NOBODY said anything to me - I just couldn't take it that he was messing up my bathroom - like leaving trimmed eyebrow hairs all over the sink. He smoked in my bathroom too - the funny thing is, although I can opt to either chain smoke or social smoke (when the need arises), I do not smoke in my bedroom or my bathroom. AND, you know how nicotine gets onto the tiles and the X does not bother to even wipe it from time to time - meaning, he doesn't clean up after himself, especially when the property in question is not his or one which he could push responsibility to.

So, finally, my bedroom is my total personal space, ensuite included.

And this picture and it's caption, will always remind me that I have told him many years ago., if you can do it, I can do it too. Meaning, if a person shrugs his responsibilities, I can be just as irresponsible. If a person doesn't give me consideration, I will disregard that person totally. If a person thinks I cannot remove him, because he's a chattel to my property, then I will create a law that allows removal of such a chattel without any breach to the title.

As oblivious as the X makes himself to be, where everything is concerned, he should remember that, as God gives, God can take it back.

Ganesha

Probably the best I've done the past few days -this is Ganesha, mover of obstacles.

In Hinduism, Ganesha is respected very much, because he's powerful and compassionate. He is able to provide the much sought freedom from our ills.

From what I understand, Ganesha lost his head through no fault of his. At the base of his feet, is his friend, the mouse. No creature or being is too insignificant for Ganesha, which is why he chose the mouse to be his vehicle.

When I visit the temple at Keong Siak Street, especially in the mornings, there will be worshippers from all walks of life and different ethnic races. If anything, it's because having faith in Him has given many the respite they required it. I am not familiar with all customs in Hinduism, but as with all faiths, sincerity is most important of all. We do not have to speak the language or even know what's happening when the priests are chanting prayers - it's enough to just be there to receive His blessings and guidance.

I wasn't sure whether I should draw it, at first, but I figured, Ganesha wouldn't mind if it didn't come out right -

It's now hanging in my balcony and it actually looks pretty neat in a frame.

Frisco Drawing

This would be the first solitary picture I have drawn so far, simply because I cannot imagine trying to do another parrot on this small space. Already, I feel that the feathers are not convincing. Well, Frisco is not quite as colourful, his body is mostly green, but if I did that, it will not look like a bird, but a blotch of colour.

Again, I forgot to take a picture of the picture before loading it into the photo frame, so there is this white spot.

I'm supposed to be busy studying - actually, I am, and in between this is what I have decided to occupy myself with, so that I can stay put at my desk, lest I decide to abandon my stats altogether, if I find something more interesting to do.

We all manage our time differently, and the bottom line is, we should do what we want to do - not what is expected of us to do. But, whatever it is that we decide to do, we should not abandon the goal of the task at all. Which means to say, it's fine to deviate, but let's not go totally off tangent and get ourselves onto a different planet.

For my son

My son asked me to do a drawing of his fat cat - which is really tough since i'm no artist. This is the best that I came up with. I didn't colour it black, because I don't think I have the skill to actually have a gradation of black.

It's now on his desk.

This picture tells the story of his cat, pringles - who spends most of her time dreaming, day and night - I usually have a vase of flowers on the table, and she's usually there smelling the flowers - she's smart enough not to shred them thankfully.

I didn't do another rose, because I wanted to try a different flower and although I could have done the usual butterfly, I didn't wish to make it simple to understand because the butterfly is in the cat's thought - and it has to be different from how we view butterflies - because for the cat, it's just a toy - not an insect with colourful wings and markings.

Here's Looking at you Kid!

And so, I purchased a box of 24 water soluble colour pencils - and no GSS made me do it...just me, wanting to work with sufficient tools.

As with all tasks, it's always more difficult when you start out with less than what you need to complete it, at least decently well.

To me, the purchase (it's less than 10 bucks) was not a waste of money, because it would bring me hours of solitude - as with most things I do, to de-stress, I have just found this to not only de-stress my mind, but also helps me build patience. Patience because I could never leave a drawing unfinished, unlike painting the wall, where I can and have, sectionalised a wall, to suit my time.

And so, why this drawing - again almost a pair - well, the huge fella is probably not a swan, he's built differently - possibly a stork of somesort - he's refined in his own way, and there in his midst, is a swan, solidly coloured in the most boring shade of white, yet graceful and attractive, probably doesn't even look stumpy, as they do, when they are on land.

So, we are all built differently, but we are each beautiful - if we only took the time, to really look around us, we will find that beauty surrounds us all the time, it's whether we notice it or not.

Roses - for my bedside

Here's another of my drawing -roses, it's now on my bedside table.

It still looks a bit stiff, but I'm gung-ho about fixing that - will pick up a box of coloured pencils, proper box and maybe it'll motivate me to get the drawings to be less harsh.

This drawing will probably serve as a reminder, since it's the first thing I will see when I pick up my mobile phone in the morning - a reminder that our life is like art paper - it's up to us to make it worth a look. We can sit and expect things to happen for us, or we can take matters into our own hands and work with what we have and still come up with something.

It wouldn't bother me that this drawing could be better done by a kid, because it only matters that I didn't let inexperience or insufficient training be a lifetime hurdle. Doesn't matter if this standard of drawing could never have gotten me a grade in my GCE-O levels (I dropped the subject), it only matters that I drew this, from my heart.

Birds Of Paradise

This is the other drawing I did for another empty picture frame.

Actually, I think it's a decent attempt, since I didn't have a full set of coloured pencils.

As you can see, again, it's in a pair.

I'll probably try my hand at something else today, if time permits. Perhaps upgrade to a larger drawing space and see what happens.

I have not decided to change me profession - I have just decided that instead of printing out new photographs for the frames, I could be creative and do this.

Of the many things in life we have to face, I have never been afraid to express my thoughts, sentiments and even shortcomings. This is one example of it.

As bothered as I can be about getting things done, I am all for trying. Perhaps this is where my patience oozes out from - but wherever it comes from, it's not a bad thing. It may even bring a laugh when when I'm upset.

Birds of Paradise, this is in my room - why, because my room is now my sanctuary and it's one way to personalise it - with things that are meaningful to me - my own stuff.

personal expression

I actually drew this. Was bored, had some frames to put something in, and why not? I'm Miss Impatient and really prefer not to leave a frame empty if I come across it.

I read in the Feng Shui pages that we should not display pictures of solitary beings - lest we end up solitary.

Well, although I'm a solitary being, preferring my own company most times, it doesn't mean that I would go down that road and project it.

Although my art teacher told me to forget taking art as a subject for the GCE O-levels (which I did) it didn't seed a strong dislike for art - I accepted that comment as good advice - I would probably not be able to buy myself a bowl of noodles drawing.

The bottom line here is : trying and if that's the best you can do, it's achievement enough for you. Why bother if it's below standards, when art is supposed to be a personal expression, as with other hobbies or subject matter. As long as we feel good doing it, then just do it - this drawing isn't ever going to be in any museum, but it's my attempt to draw, after a long time and I'm sure we know the picture is that of a pair of birds. That's a start.

insecurity when helping

Do we get equal opportunities?

To be honest, over here, we don't. To say, there isn't any position open, is being untruthful, because there are plenty, yet they will refuse an application when it's offered.

why?

Because, they prefer a certain type to work in their little environment - and because a lot of the heads (pardon me) are not totally qualified as well, they worry about who they hire. That is the brutal truth. Some people get there because they worked their way up or they know someone in the organisation, who got them in. People don't like to rock their boat, and want to play it safe.

It happens especially in the helping profession.

I wasn't even asking for employment, I'm searching for a placement for which I am prepared to convert as a volunteer after the placement period to show my gratitude. It's certainly not because of a lack of experience in that profession, so what else can it be? Insecurity.

Insecurity does things to organisations and people running it.

They want to keep everything within their control lest they loose control.

How can we say we are interested in helping people when we do not have the interest to get the relevant help i.e. get more qualified people in. Society has been plagued with problems from the day of inception and unless we truly wish to help, generations will also be plagued by the same.

For many reasons, I chose to stay away, because what is worst, is we are in the helping profession yet our comfort level comes first. that is not helping, it's selfish.

Moving On

My second post for the day - I have set out to do what I set out to do today. Mission accomplished.

I met my lawyer - a very unassuming character - oozing with calm and someone who listens and responds. That's why he got the job - because he tells me what I need to know, not just what the manual says. He's meticulous, not wanting to leave anything to chance and I appreciate that, because me, always in a hurry and flurry, will tend to miss things out, simply because I wish to close a file.

I walked out of his office, smiling - really smiling - something I have not done, in quite a while. I felt like I could go on with my life, because someone else has been tasked with my legal burden. This is one lawyer who silently gives you that confidence - something I need right now.

I called my gf, whom he represented only last year, in a messy divorce - to thank her for returning me my sanity. I gave up on the legal profession here - I was being told things I already knew - having been in social services and through exchanges with people in the same boat. I needed to have solutions and it was worth the wait. I am sure, there were many, who felt that I wasn't serious about unleashing myself from this legal entanglement - but those who doubted, didn't understand that it's not getting a lawyer from some cliche law firm or just one out of the phone book - for me, it had to be the correct person - someone who could truly understand my reservations about the proceedings - that although filing is a big deal, I'm just going through the motions because the law required me to do so - failing which I will always be legally tied down.

I'm moving on and today will be another page that I will bookmark.

It's been a year, when this divorce was announced to families and close friends.

A new road is being paved

The time has come for me to actually do the paperwork for my divorce. It's been a year actually, not of procrastination, but a year spent tidying up whatever loose ends that could be tidied up outside the legal framework. I am now ready for the legal paperwork.

Most lawyers expect delays, because even when divorces are amicable, they feel that people need validation before they are able to actually proceed. With divorce, comes division of matrimonial assets and custody, maintainence and alimony - things which if not settled prior, could drag on the divorce case into chambers, which means, more time and more money - money I am not willing to invest into something that has given me nothing but regret. I didn't need any sort of validation - I needed to secure matters that could be adjourned to chambers so that it doesn't.

My gfs are happy - very happy that finally, paperwork will get done. I do not have patience for lengthly tussles, preferring to sort things out, come to some sort of settlement and then finish it. I am a creature who likes things organised and although it took me a whole year to do it, it wasn't time not well spent. The only validation I sought was that of recovering my contributions to the upkeep of the home for many years. I wasn't going to walk away with nothing because this marriage sucked up too many years of my life - which I have equated to missed opportunities for my personal development. Crude way of looking at things, but there isn't any other way, if we are dealing with reality.

I have no last words, except that, when we decide to get into a permanent relationship, we should know we are doing it for ourselves, not for the sake of anyone else.

I have grown up much, the past 12 months - and most have seen me, the way I am, as a person in my own right. I have been using my own name for a year now and it feels great. It's time to permanently close the book and burn it.

It's just the legality of it all that makes it stressful - and people cannot understand that if a marriage is dead, it's dead - doesn't matter what it says legally - but in our society, it does matter to some. I could save a bundle in legal fees by just existing as an individual but legally still tied - but that is not ideal. I will always be burdened. I know many who do that. Couples who are estranged and live separate lives. I do not want to be like that. I want to be free, karmic encumberences and all.

economies of scale

People deal with things differently - and it's acceptable. It's for this very reason, we find ourselves at odds with one another sometimes and at other times, we gain social membership - to a group defined by it's members' idea of which collective trait they are gaining access to, like our circle of friends or if on a wider scale, some informal group.

I do not belong to any - and if I seem to be at any point in time, it's usually a temporary membership, just to get 'the job done'. I am what most would call a person who enjoys her own company most of the time - not out of the lack of opportunities, but by choice - I rather stay at home, than be out there socialising - it's not just the humidity but my preference for simplicity. There are moments when I do need to be verbose as with everyone, but those times are not often, and if measured by normal standards, below the popn mean. I would make up the tail ends of any distribution curve.

And so, here I am, busy with work, been on the phone the entire morning and was working all sunday yesterday. What did I do to compensate?

I volunteered with a small group who apparently needs some counselors, at least once a week, weekends.

We all deal with things differently, and my way, is just this, if the going gets tough, then let's just go overboard with the schedule and operate at optimum level. Economies of scale.

I'm already busy, doing other people's work, at a critical time when my exams are almost due - so might as well, just stretch my expertise in juggling and at least someone will be helped, someone, not in the work equation.

Economies of scale - it would keep me on my feet, my brains constantly working and perhaps I'll have less time to gripe about the situation and get more done, since i've already burnt both ends and the center of the candle. why not just burn it all?

it's how I deal with things - not taking the bull by the horns, but just thinking like the darn bull and go full speed ahead. in the worst case scenario, there isn't an interrupter which can contain the overload - and we'll just have a mini short-circuit.

A much needed darkness

Dark sky....hint of light in the far back....beautiful. This shot was taken just before the much awaited downpour. It's been too hot lately and humid too.....yesterday, we had trickles of rain...today, albeit for just a few minutes, the clouds just unloaded.

It was much needed, this darkness.

I've always loved the rain - it tells me that it's washing away all everything.

do we always need proof?

There are always moments in our life when we wonder about the Supreme Being - GOD. Does He really exist? Does He hear us? If He is around, why allow all this madness to go on? Are we really living in hell?

I am a believer - I have a very strong faith in GOD. But that doesn't mean I do not question His existence, especially when I feel backed into a corner. It probably lasts a moment and I'll revert to my believer status again.

Along with faith in religious beliefs, comes patience, loads and loads of it. The non-believer will say, ah, time fixed everything. But the believer will say, not without God's help. The argument can go on and on, with no real solutions, but do we really need something real before we believe?

This has always been tough - the need for something concrete, something we can see.

which brings me to emotions.
We cannot see it, but we feel it.
We cannot see God, but we feel Him.
The variables of the two equations may be different, but the basic idea is there.

What we do not see, but can feel, is there, yet there will always be doubt, because we live in a world where everything needs to be proven factually, yet when we say we love someone, we do not have the ability to prove that hypothesis and say it's factually true, the way we expect it of other things. We are in a serious fix.

To unfix ourselves, we get into being selective about what needs to be proven and what can be understood - which means, there really isn't anything factual about life, is there? We adjust where we deem fit and accept whatever, when we are unable to find a line of best fit. That is not living by a fair standard, that's making adjustments so that it makes sense to us, not necessarily true, since we only believe what we can prove.

As with GOD, there is no line of best fit because by the time we figure that He exists, it's too late, because He would be standing in front of us and then all we will hear ringing in our ears are :
I told you so.

being free of clutter

Yes, I have since recovered from my 'cold' shower - it's not that time heals whatever wounds, but more taking matters into my own hands and seeking for divine intervention to make things right for me. It's always easier to make a mistake than to undo it; always easier when we are on the preventive and more difficult when we are rectifying a situation.
But no matter how easy, it never is.

I have moved on, yet I have lots of loose ends that needs tidying.
My focus on my work (which means mullah) and school, doesn't let up at all, and when it does seem to let up a little, it's only because I just chose to ignore my current responsibilities and slack for a bit - to catch my breath - be lazy for a couple of hours. But it doesn't make the work or school go away, it just piles them up. What's left afterwards? basically, a high pile of mess.

Today, I decided to calm myself down and look at the entire picture, one at a time. Seek divine help and ask for strength and guidance to finish this. I have a life, albeit punctuated with surprises but I need a life where I don't have to look over my shoulder and wonder if someone is opening my wallet to check how much cash I have, or if someone will take some cash out from my wallet and leave me a note to say "Sorry, but I had to take some money" - it's shameless, but that's what I'm living with. When I cook for my son, with money I earn, I accidently feed another person who isn't contributing to his child's welfare. I am not calculative about food, but when someone just thinks that it's his entitlement, just because we are under the same roof (still), then it's annoying. Not once, did he ask his son, if he needed dinner - he would sit in front of the tv and eat slices of bread, expecting me to arrange for dinner (if I didn't cook).

I've been silent because work tires me and school work makes me feel dumb (it's stats, what do you expect?!) Today, I decided to break the silence - I told him that I'll hang on to this flat until right after year end., I will then find a job outstation because I cannot live here, where he's dumping everything on my lap at his convenience. I refuse to be on the same island with him.

Divine intervention - that gave me the patience to actually not yell, because everytime I scream, it tires and wears me out so badly, I loose focus on my studies. For the years that I have toiled, I owe it to myself, to have peace of mind. I have hung on for so long and yes, I have a life now, more than I ever did all these years - but I need to be legally free asap - if anything, to be free of clutter. Yup, he's been reduced to clutter.

Not a closet divorcee

If there is a damper on anything, it's reality.
I've been so busy studying, getting my research ready, ethics application done, work-site in order that I didn't have time to stop and think about my personal situation. Usually, that's a good thing, because it takes me off being depressed, which is what I need to do, with exams around the corner.

How did this reality check come into place? Well, my gf called and we were just having a chit-chat, she was bored and upset about her daughter. I am close my gf and I think I understand her more than she understands me or perhaps that's why I make a good counselor, because I am able to keep my mess outside sessions and basically, just able to compartmentalise well. When she's in a mess, she tends to be a little flippant with her focus, which sometimes hurt.

Everyone knows i'm tidying up my personal life - which isn't on Rodeo Drive, where it's easy to just file papers and get things tidy as often as we do the laundry. There are things that need to be sorted out, and it needs to be sorted out in the correct order, so that things will be neater, when the papers arrive in court - there should not be anything left for adjournment to chambers or the stress of not having a roof over my son's head. I am and have been separated - this legal tie is the only thing that is standing in the way of finality. My marriage ended years ago - and close friends know that I hung on because I was waiting for my son to reach an age, where he could understand and respect my decision. I needed to secure my son's growing years so that he would never be torn between his two parents, as a younger boy - they all get torn up, when they are not ready and are pushed to live out a divorce settlement between their parents.

I do not have a close relationship with my parents, siblings or relatives. I just have me and my son. I need to get this right for him.

Sometimes I wish, my gf would understand why the paperwork is taking so long to materialise. Fact is, she's aware, yet when she's caught up with her stuff, she forgets and feels like I am deliberate in dragging this. It's been a year, officially, that I've been separated. Past years not taken into account, because families were told only a year ago.

People like things clean, neat.
Reality isn't like that at all. We take the good, the bad and the in-between - manage it and still, it's never squeaky clean or fastidiously neat.

I'm as real as I can get with myself and if that's not good enough, I don't know how to do this anymore. Yes, I'm upset that paperworks not complete. But Rome wasn't built in a day, and if it was, it probably won't be as beautiful. That's the up-side of being patient.

I'm as divorced as any one can ever be. Frankly, I don't care much about the paperwork, because I've been stuck in this rut for more than 10 years. The only difference is, I'm not a closet wd-be divorcee - i live my own day, at my own time, have my own room and earn my own keep.
i own my life, I have always owned it and will always own it - no one can ever claim that right from me, courts or otherwise.
In my soul, I am free.
In my heart, I am free.
Why does it make a difference, if I have a piece of paper still? I can just tear it up and it's gone - no one would know any better and perhaps then this cliche society can move on and see me for how I have lived my life.

tool boxes

The hammer was taken out of the tool box today and I began hammering away at my research paper. Every household and person, should and must have a TOOL BOX. It's almost like a first-aid kit, it's detrimental when you do not have it.

In the tool box, we find useful tools, like screw-driver, nails, hammer, drill and it's bits, tape for wire and tap, pliers and whatever else that we need to keep the house in order. As a student, we need a similar box, but one filled with all the research papers, those we know we need and those we aren't quite sure yet. We also need additional moral and staying power so that we can plug those into our brain socket to get things done.

Time, is one thing that we all need to have stored, but in reality, time is never something that we have been allowed to keep, so in the absence of that (being in my tool box), I made time i.e. cut back on tv and sleep.

I managed another 3 pages of work. It's not as difficult as when I first put it together, because now I have a guideline on where the expansion should happen. It's not done yet, but I still have until Friday, before it goes out again for comments. I have promised my Prof that I will call him this monday, come hell or high water. I wish I had this auto-function tool box that can fix the paper for me, but although our society has gone high-tech., we are still lagging behind in the handyman department - no academic robots to help, since research must be a fresh perspective into a topic and robots are programme according to what we already know, which means, no other work is probably necessary then.

I'm glad that in the few hardworking moments of my life, I have always taken that few seconds to keep my tool-box organised - in the corporate world, we call that housekeeping. In psychology, we call that tidying our mental cupboards, in Feng Shui, we say, clearing out the clutter. Whichever the terminology, it means the same thing, the tool box should contain tools that work, because if it were to contain things that don't work, then it's no longer a tool-box, but a wastepaper basket.

Unsatisfactory

If there is a word which irks all students, it's this : UNSATISFACTORY

This is our research year and possibly the most important year in graduate school. Before our paper proposal submissions, all soft copies came back with that same word and after another 3 months of re-drafting, the same word appears again. It doesn't tell me much except that; isn't this the minimum expectation from first-time research year students? It's not like we are experienced in the field of academic writing to automatically know how to construct sections. But having said that, I'm not excusing this entire cohort of being ignorant about standards, myself included - we just need more time to adjust to this new level of work.

Of course this comment accompanied a single-spaced A4 page of 'instructions' on where the re-draft should happen, in a nutshell, the marker has tired to re-focus for academically blind students like me and my classmates. Perhaps they felt 'sorry' for us, not having the liberty of walking into the professors' office for consultation each time we are stuck, since we are not on-campus, and so they made the extra effort to give us a blow by blow of what's UNSATISFACTORY.

With exams just under 3 weeks away, and UNSATISFACTORY hanging right in front of my face, I really am torn about where to begin - which is more important. Most would say exams, but this research culminates this graduate programme and if it doesn't get off the ground, we don't graduate - period.

So, looks like I'll deal with UNSATISFACTORY first, since it's the one sore thing that's sticking out of my To-Do list like a picture hanging on one hinge.

Bottom line : is to graduate - and if one word is going to be the wall, not hurdle (which we can either go around or jump over), then hacking is the solution. Brain hacking.

Basics - why it's important

The term 'back to basics' is heard now and then. It crops up in our daily lives - at home, at work and even in relationships. We go 'back to basics' because we need clarification on some level our of understanding, so that we will be able to move forward.

24 days to exams and after 3 semesters, I finally had to go back to basics, thanks to stats.

In this age of information technology and super fast computers and netbooks, why bother to go back to basics, when we have softwares to do all the work for us? We don't even need to be intelligent to churn out a chart, because the Wizard is always a click away.

Unfortunately, stats doesn't work like that - and because this is graduate school and not the school of hard knocks, our basics was due yesterday already. The entire month of May, I was plodding page by page, because it's tough to decipher Greek when you only understand English. Each completed page, meant, a page closer to the end of the book (page 773, excluding glossary and references). Early May, I was at the p200 marker. It was unfulfilling and an insult to my mathematical ability. Of course there was a reason, the text book arrived late, some 4 weeks into the semester and lectures were backed up too. BUT reasons will always self-convert into excuses because fact of the matter is, if we knew our basics well, we didn't have to go back to it and could have just picked up from where we all left off.

So, unless you like the idea of being a ball, which is either kicked back and forth, or thrown back and forth; get the basics right, first time around, which is, be a square.

And so, late it may be, I have been doing more stats than I planned to do - because if I don't get my basics covered this time, there may not be enough days, next time to do so. I'm at p440 - more than halfway through and with work in between, the road to this page cost me sleep, lots of sleep...but that is definately easier to swallow than loosing AUD.

Numerology - thought provoking

On the average, the number 5 personality is rather happy-go-lucky; living for today, and not worrying too much about tomorrow. It is important for you to mix with people of a like mind, and try to avoid those that are too serious and demanding. It is also important for you to find a job that provides thought-provoking tasks rather than routine and redundant responsibilities. You do best dealing with people, but the important thing is that you have the freedom to express yourself at all times. You have an innate ability to think through complex matters and analyze them quickly, but then be off to something new.

This is what is said about me, according to Numerology.
I tend to take-in such reads 'with a pinch of salt', but decided to look at it more closely, since it seems to be making references about me, in really specific terms, going by how my life has been.

When discussing cultures and beliefs, numerology has contributed to many generations of people who sought advice from astrologers and the like. Just knowing that I'm a Libran, doesn't say much, because 2 Librans can be totally unalike - because it's never one thing that makes us similar, but many things that can cause us to be different.

It's true - shocking but true.

I get bored too easily and hence the need to do several things simultaneously, which tires me out too much, but nevertheless, necessary. I worry about tomorrow only when tomorrow comes, because I focus on today, so that I don't have to worry about tomorrow. If I give a thought about tomorrow, it is only in passing but never in indulgence - my mantra is : take care of today extremely well, so that tomorrow will be a better day. Pointless in worrying about tomorrow and wasting today, because we may never wake up tomorrow to even have the time to worry about it.
Bottom line.