Destined or not?

When all else fails, we resort to self-help, self-medication, meditation, reflection and whatever else we can think of to make things right.

I have been floating between clinical depression and mild depression for more than a year - most times, i'm coping, but there will be days at a stretch when getting work done is near impossible.

This is a piece for reflection, because it's one year since i've run my own little business with my team. The few months we did a partnership didn't count because it wasn't my own thing but a shared thing. It's been a decent year although we did not put in our best effort in terms of time allocation. I hope to get out of my syndrome and really get into what I started out to do. Today, i checked what I listed a year ago as part of my business activity and to my surprise, i had already included consultancy work as the primary business. Imagine that - I forgot.

The reason I checked was because I felt that I was ready to move into consultancy work for the have-nots and wanted to make sure the paperwork was in order for that.

That information brought 2 things to mind.

First - that sometimes, we know what we want subconsciously, yet our conscious self does not register the fact.

Second - we get so caught up in the moment that we forget the initial goal.

I must have had that thought in mind a year ago and instead of working on the primary business, I focused on the secondary business - how strange.

In any case, it must be the correct path, if I am hitting on it again.

Although I tend not to believe destiny as much as prayers - I think this must be destiny. How could I not realise/remember my primary business? It's almost ridiculous.

buy what we need, when we need it

The strange thing about me is, now that I got my new toy with the standard initial charge-up of 8 mandatory hours before use, I haven't used it. I was really excited about getting a light-weight gateway to the internet yet, I haven't found a good enough reason to use it, other than the fact that I don't have the MS-Office installed in it, yet. I have started to transfer some files over to the google document function for my easy access for editing. I don't know how well it would work, but I will get around to it.

There are some people who will just dive into a new toy - and get right into the groove - but I'm still very much in the lag. Similar to my shoe craze, i buy shoes which never get taken out of the box for months or even years - clothes are the same too.

I have remained constant this way - yet it's almost like an illness - i do not buy things on impulse so i'm not a shopaholic at all. Yet, i own things I do not use which puts me in quite a quandry about what i'm really up to sometimes.

Perhaps as messy as my life has been, my untidiness about buying what I would use immediately is just as bad.

We should all just buy what we need, when we need it instead of having something just because it's useful to have it laying around somewhere. For some of us, we like to be prepared, so to speak, but sometimes, it just takes up space. Is there a rationale in all this? Yes and No.

the netbook

I finally got my netbook - it's tiny and very sleek.

I just cannot figure out whether I should get an external drive or not to load MS Office. If I don't, it would mean not being able to do my work on it. Google has documents which can be saved in pdf format which is very helpful, but my research needs to be done in word. I could try to work it out in google, save it there and then pdf it over when it's done, but I don't know how good it is, since I do need some different formats for headings.

The netbook is much much lighter than my notebook and I could actually lug this around, if there is a need to. I spent the evening just configuring the wireless connection and charging it up. Will probably think it through later about MS Office. I don't think I could compromise on not having it installed.

I'm impressed that it's really fast and although the keyboard is tiny, it's certainly much larger than PDAs and if people are using blackberrys, I can manage this.

Netbook

Today is THE day I pick up my netbook. It's going to be interesting, since I was toying with this idea months ago but my colleagues seem to think that it won't be of much use because it's too small to comfortably work on although I could then lug it around - it's far lighter for a person who doesn't drive.
Anyways, things always have an opportunity cost tagged to it. In the case of the netbook, it's not having a DVD-ROM drive. I haven't figured out how I'm going to load my MS Office yet, although there's a high possibility that I'll buy an external unit to do the job. A netbook is useless to me, if I'm not able to work on MS Office - BUT let's see, i'm sure there's a way to do all the word docs and spreadsheets online - like in gmail docs.

I refuse to cave-in and say the netbook is useless since, unless you have actually lugged a notebook around using public transportation. I almost lost my handbag in BKK because of the heavy notebook this year and I won't have a repeat performance here either, because I may not be so lucky.

If it's really 'useless', then manufacturers won't be coming up with smaller and lighter ones - so there must be some way to get over the absence of a DVD-ROM drive. I'll use it as it is for a couple of days first and then decide if it's necessary to add-on.

I am a mother - sigh

You cannot help it but wonder sometimes how a child's state of unwell can distress even the calmest of parents. Forget the fact that it's your kid - mine is 16 - he's put me through the initial hell of rolling off a mattress as an infant, falling into drain channels when he was a toddler, fever always in the high range that it induces convulsions, running out of the bathroom after a shower which resulted in 6 stitches - that should have given me more than enough practice in the 'don't panic' department - but it didn't.

As with all medical conditions, the point to make is, you either know what's going on or you don't. Lucky me, I can handle medical - but it doesn't take away the fact that I'm his mother and WILL panic. I hate to say that I accept being ill better than him - or rather, i cope better - but then, I'm me, and he's him. He was sent home from school along with a good handful of his classmates as they were all having a slight temperature. His body does not cope with fever quietly at all. The good thing is, if he throws up, then whatever that's irritating his stomach, would be gotten rid of - the bad thing is, he will not be able to retain anything for a while. It's normal for him to go through this cycle of having a fever, emptying the contents of his stomach and then recover slowly.

This morning, I went off to the supermarket again to top up the refridgerator with juices, chinese tea and sushi. When the stomach is in an intolerant state like this, it's best to go slow. I usually start with juice - fruit may just aggravate him at the moment since his last throw up was less than 12 hours ago. So far, the juice is being retained. I make him shower too and then rub him down with Vicks Vapo-Rub - it will help his stomach settle and breathing the ointment in does help calm his airways. Then i'll feed him ONE small maki roll - not a whole tray which he's accustomed to consuming. If that stays down, he can have another in 30 mins.

His fever has subsided a lot since last night and hopefully, he'll be able to progress to mashed potatoes - but nothing with dairy stuff i.e no mixing that with butter or milk since the stomach will not be able to retain milk.

As a mom, it's my business to know what's going on with the kid - and I give him home therapy, which has always worked for him - I only bring him to the clinic if i'm clueless or if he's not getting better after 48 hours - most times when he's not well, it's just some bug - he has a weak stomach and if he eats something that doesn't agree with him, it comes right out in less than an hour. It's going to be a weekend of nursing him back to his feet, tiresome, since he's 16 and should be able to at least be less helpless, but he has a mom and i'm his mom - and as with all kids and some grown people, they regress to infancy when they are not well.

New Pieces

I'm working on another page - hopefully, it will someday soon, materialise. I have had this thought for too many years and perhaps now is as good a time as any, to start work on it.

Perhaps this is also me, getting down to things. I have this habit of having a priority list and each time something of a higher priority comes up, it gets a higher spot - leaving those low priority stuff always where they are. Should come up with a way of actually doing a proper list - where things cannot get swopped.

Anyways, that's just being efficient - if an item doesn't have priority to begin with, time may not change it's importance - it could just be a no-brainer item but nevertheless there for some unspecified reason.

And so, because I have had years of writing replies to a column - i have decided to do one of my own. I have no clue how to actually get it OUT THERE yet, but i have begun to work on it actively. I may be warped in my own thinking, but when it comes to getting things done within my professional training, my thinking doesn't factor in at all. In fact, I do better when in that arena - because knowing sometimes makes it difficult for me to be less guarded when dealing with my own life bumps.

Let's hope something else doesn't get priority over this - it's been more than 10 years i've been toying with this idea. Then, the internet wasn't so idiot-proof and what I wanted to do was almost not possible as an individual. Perhaps now is a time, as good as any.

Equal Share means?

The sorting out of incidentals have driven me over the edge the past 13 months. With each new month, I receive additional ancillary matters which needs attention. This morning, I dealt with the Property Tax department. Over the past 9 years, I have been paying Property Tax for this home on my own since the Taxman chose to bill me - no idea why since there are two owners with equal shares. Considering that both owners submit their income tax individually, why doesn't the taxman split the property tax respectively? It doesn't matter if this isn't a million dollar home - it's still money that has been paid by only one owner, leaving the other party with no responsibility towards the tax, which should be equally shared, since the shares are equally split.

I think a lot of departments should and must re-look at how things are being billed, especially when there are two owners. Like bank loans, if there is a guarantor, they somehow know how to find the guarantor even when the guarantor may not have enjoyed spending the loan. But for home ownership, it does not seem to matter if the shares/housing mortgage is split 50-50 - because most would just go for whom they KNOW they will get payment from - including the TV licensing unit. These are the people who send me bills - only me.

We never really think about this because most of us just want to pay up soonest possible.

There is no way to change how we assume things simply because when we are all busy, climbing the corporate ladder and targeting to increase our income earning capacity, we don't pay attention to such details. Having a joint-account will also not solve the problem IF respective organisations insist on billing just one party - it's fine when both are contributing to the household expenses equally - which is not easy to establish especially when the demographics change over time.

So, although I'm all for equal share, I'm not convinced that such a situation exists. It only exists in our head which says so only in one situation i.e. WHEN WE ARE NOT PREPARED TO GET INTO A QUARREL FOR WHATEVER VALID REASON. That is a compromise and unfortunately, as long as we are in a relationship, COMPROMISES are the order of the day.

In reality, it can never be statistically 50-50 share.

Independence Day

I shared with my team about the final date that has been scheduled and the corny thing is, everyone said the same thing - Independence Day. Perhaps that's why we work well together - they understand me quite well. They were tossing between Freedom and Independence and initially felt that Independence is not something new for me, since they felt that I'm independent already - freedom doesn't fit either, since i have always been free to choose what I wish to do. So, when they settled for Independence Day it was with the rationale that it defines a totality.

As individuals, we strive for independence, yet when we are in a legally binding relationship, it's never independence in totality because with anything that's legally binding, there is a trace of being chained somehow. I know people who live separately for too many years yet never take the final step towards Independence Day - some because of religious beliefs and others because it doesn't matter to them since one party already moved out. For me, it's drawing clear lines so that there is absolute clarity. I am not great with grey areas at all, preferring to either be just on one side. Some who do not seek this totality, think - why waste so much money on legal fees? Well, in business, we say that if you do not spend money, you cannot make money. Likewise for life's lessons. We need to pay to learn. I have now paid twice and hopefully I have learnt by now, that I am doomed to be in non-permanent relationships - like my job. I am not able to hang on to being employed, no matter how bad the economy is, once I have decided to move on. I have always mattered to me and because of my warped personality, it's best I walk this path alone.

I have dreams that I could be different and perhaps, finally be able to find someone who could be a superb companion - someone who cares for me and tells me so; someone who believes that I deserve to be cared for. But that is only a dream. Reality will sink in and I will know that it's not possible for that in this life because I need to live for myself lest I never get the opportunity to.

19 years in a binding relationship (both in total) messed up more than half my life (toddler years not considered). That is quite enough. If that is not empirical proof, I don't know what is.

of Eggs and Baskets

We all prefer to know dates ahead of time - usually to plan better, it's something I apply in the different areas of my life - schedules. I do not like surprises, doesn't matter if it comes in a box or in the form of an appointment/meeting - which may make me 'predictable' somehow. So whilst I was winding down my old life, I appreciated to know a date, way before most people get to know - in fact, in the course of discussions, leading up to the final papers, emails and phone calls went back and forth, just so I'm kept in the loop all the time on the progress - that is me, not micromanaging so much as wanting to be explicit, leaving no error margin.

For me, it's a date I can look forward to definately - no more hoovering and wondering if something else was not looked over, no more thinking about whether the paperwork has to be re-done because of a typo or a disagreement. So, August 4th, is my independence day.

I'm not relieved as much as glad i got a date because my life has always been independent and not dependent on anyone - I prefer not to leave things to chance and just make sure the eggs are in my basket - people say, don't put all your eggs in one basket, but they didn't specify whose basket, which to me, isn't clear enough.

It's okay if you hang on to your eggs using your own baskets because you know that if you drop the baskets, you will loose your eggs. But if you choose to put your eggs in another person's basket, you will face two unforseen IFs - the first is, the person may drop the basket and the second is, the eggs will break because of something else that's connected to that person. Question is, can we ever trust someone enough to hang on to ALL our eggs and basket?

Bottom line : it's not whether people can be entrusted- most can. It's about what we can accept and what we cannot - and whether we trust enough - which is honestly, not easy to do unless we are great with LEGO and don't mind building and rebuilding when things don't seem right.

What Ifs

Because life is a constant struggle of making decisions, interacting and clearing goals, there is always this need to plan ahead. This may not be true for some who are able to just be content and accept whatever that is being served as gourmet.

Looking back at my life, I can say, that never have I had the luxury of sitting back and basking in contentment - because in my view, there is always another notch to clear - it has nothing to do with having to prove anything to anyone - it's a personal drive thing.

It's been more than a year, since I actually decided on this solo venture with my team and we are doing OK - there is always room to get more done, but we were quite content with the work load, not wishing to overload the schedules lest we burn out - it was never a priority, since I was divided between school and getting new portfolios and I couldn't accept work when I wasn't even prepared to spend 80% of the time on it personally.

Was it school that kept me busy? Partly and partly not.

School drives me on the correct path yet takes me away from building the venture up as fast as I could have. Completing my studies totally has been my primary goal, at any point in my life and perhaps that's why it warrants the priority on my schedule. There is no point in validating anything since personal lifetime goals are exactly what they say there are - personal goals and compromising it's hierarchy is asking for trouble.

Therefore, although we want everything - it's never possible at once - but if we pace things, we'll get there, with compromises, of course. Will completing school and getting my doctorate make me any happier - definately, but will it ever make up for the opportunities I have shelved because of it - probably never. Yet I chose school as priority - because I cannot value my self-worth in any other way except through my academic achievements -

This was formed when I was 18 and it's been very constant, biting me, each time I deviate. Therefore I feel very strongly that if we have our roots of ambition/achievement/goals that far back, then it's best we attend to it and at least find some way to see it to the finish lest we prefer to live our twilight years beginning with "what if".

a lesson from Fire Ants

This is a picture of fire ants I found nesting at a pavement. They do not seem as large as the ones I found before, so I'm assuming that these are 'younger' ones - some look almost translucent.

In any case, there is something to learn here.

Fire ants bite and it's rather painful when they do so and because they are rather large, the red bumps on our skin will be quite visible.

Our reaction would be to destroy them (as we destroy everything else) just so we protect ourselves. We always come first.

This is the lame truth. We are selfish creatures - we concern ourselves and consume ourselves with ourselves. There is no room for anything/anyone until we secure ourselves and it's not just in the monetary sense. Meanwhile, these fire ants - whose tree nest was destroyed twice, shifted and made another on the ground. They are survivors too - I'm sure Man, has hunted them down ever since I was a little girl and the building of apartments would have destroyed vegetation which is their preferred location. We are much larger than them and probably have a more complex brain. But simple as they are in their genetic make-up (no brain with a CNS), they know what survival is and they know how to adjust to the changing environment and limited habitat - everytime we destroy their nest, it's almost like they are experiencing a nuclear attack.

They move on and re-build their colony elsewhere - don't really come after us (no sense of revenge), because their little world is really all they have.

It's not about survival, they have no real knowledge of what that means - we do, yet we are unable to do more than just survive in our world. Instead of finding means to do better, most of us are just doing the bare minimum for ourselves. Had we been part of this colony, we would have been wiped out by now.

We get beaten up by bad decisions, mistakes and poor judgement - we are pushed to make rushed choices. We get depressed and irate in one swiss roll moment. We should take a lesson from them. No everything is within our control and as long as the 'bomb' didn't cause us to blow into bits, we should change direction and find a new safety zone.

For a few weeks now, I have felt backed in a corner, not being able to reconcile my bad choices and why it so. I was annoyed with myself because it wasn't choices that were out of my total control - circumstances may have prompted me to choose the way I did but that is not reason enough to okay the wasted years.

I spent a few minutes watching them - hurrying along the pavement - like nothing ever happened to their previous 2 nests on the tree. Perhaps sometimes it's best not to have an active brain - lest we over-think a situation. But because we do, I will try to make the best of it, by using it to get me to safer grounds.

is the storm over?

It would be safe for me to say that sometimes its easier not to care because when we don't, we do not subject ourselves to procrastinations about whether choice A is better than choice B, in terms of words and deeds.

Why is it, that when we decide to label something, it takes on an entirely different tone and viewpoint and responses need to be measured?

I have always believed that most people are unable to relate to any kind of arrangement, unless it's defined. Once defined, people will respond according to what is within their social expectation and measure the level of success by what has been pre-defined by their respective social circles

I find that to narrow for comfort, yet because we are social creatures technically, there is some level of conformity that cannot be denied no matter how differently we try to define ourselves and break out of the social mould.

In my life which had it's focus solely on raising my son and searching for the rainbow's end, I have come to a point where I'm in this whirlpool which is not overpowering, yet not allowing me to progress outside it's swirl. I'm not swimming in circles, that's for sure, neither am I stagnating at some point on the arc of this swirl - I am drifting outwards, but my progress is marked by unseen expectations as I reach towards the last curl - knowing that I am one stroke away from calm waters. Two things can happen:

The first is , the water is as calm as it seems and I'll be able to take a leisurely pace towards any direction that comforts me. The second is, the calm is just on the surface and the currents could be worse and I could loose myself there, unexpectedly.

There is a school of thought that says, we don't know until we try - but it's almost like saying, we won't know if we'll survive a 10-storey fall, until we try it. Relationships are like that - friendships are like that. Yet, the idea of dying doesn't scare a person as much as the idea of being permanently disabled - that is cause enough to pull up the hand brakes and stop dead in our tracks.

It's easy to say, a year from now, things will be better and things will be different.

What's more pertinent is, how do we know that to be true?

To get to better and different, entails not just logistics but a reconciliation of drips and drabs in our present state and use that to propel us in a direction, but to know the direction, we would require a map. Guess what, most of us are operating without maps - because there is no such thing as a map of life. One which will alert us of hills and mountains, lakes and seas. We just have to go with the sun-dial and wait for the rainbow, so that if all else fails, we would have inched forward with a beautiful view.

The rain hasn't stopped pouring yet. And until it stops, I will be slowly swirling around the the edge of the whirlpool, waiting for the sign - a rainbow, to tell me it's okay to venture out, because the storm is over.

is that empathy?

Yesterday, was the first time, I stepped into what we could label politely as a 'secured' environment. If anyone thought that it's like a holiday camp, where you get free food and lodging and even a K9 'pet' then you could be fooled if you're visually impaired.

I have never done group therapy before, because I view that as some kind of membership, to which I do not have interest to be a part of. Group dynamics affect individual participation and although this was the choice route (precautionary) I felt that in order to be effective, training is of the essence. To run a successful group therapy, one must be very quick on the uptake, observant and be able to invite participation from all members - and the lead, must be able to engage them all. I was an observer only and wasn't confident that the person I was observing had it, and I was right.

I thought that I would detest the sessions, since I have drawn a line when it comes to counseling - however, once I walked into the hall, and met the counselees, all uniformed ie. in the same gear, my mind switched to alert mode and when they sat in a circle and helped me get a chair, I realised that I was walking in my comfortable shoes - may not be one I prefer, but one I was comfortable in.

Halfway, I was determined to get out of this and let this just be an experience because I had no patience for untrained people to be making verbal mistakes during group counseling, or any kind of counseling for that matter.

But by the time we finished, the counselees, in their own little way, changed my mind.

Is that empathy coming from me?

I am not able to establish the answer, but I can say that i'm an expert in putting things into labelled boxes so, when the need arises, I know which box to bring out and what tools I would need.

Too early to tell, but it's not too bad a way to begin a saturday.

line of best fit

I was watching Criminal Minds on MIO and it had this interesting episode - some police dept consulted a psychic about serial abductions - which some Criminologists feel to be very unscientific i.e. not evidenced based etc. One team member of the crime unit decided to be unconventional and hear the psychic out. He came up with a clue - that the victim was being held near a 'rocky coastline'. When the team finally found the victim, she was in the city somewhere - and everyone was obviously thinking - hey that psychic is a quack - but when they drew open the curtains, they saw this huge building poster of a lighthouse - rocky coastline, rough waves.

What I'm trying to say is, the truth is not always so clear.

In Asia, this is common and rooted in the different religious/ethnic foundations. Although I am not one of those whose life depends very much on what the psychic says, I do not believe that psychics do not exist and that all of them are quacks.

As with all things, the picture is never clear until we know what the big picture is. When fixing a jig-saw puzzle, we have the actual completed puzzle within sight, so that we are able to fix the correct piece into the correct position. Life is the same - psychics may be able to tell us something, but it may not be in all clarity, since we do not have a blueprint of our entire destiny, fate or life.

Many seek the advice of tarot card readers etc when they are at the cross roads of their life. It's not wrong, but as open as we are to comments, we must be able to accept the advice at a larger level - take the advice as part of a puzzle and until we have a clear idea of the space surrounding the problem, the advice may be misinterpreted and our actions misdirected.

Sitcoms may be sitcoms, but that episode fringes upon reality i.e. a lot of people in Asia go for spiritual/psychic help.

Question, if we had the big picture, we probably won't need to seek the tarot card readers help. Wrong.

As humans in distress, we want instant gratification.

Life doesn't work out that way - time doesn't move as quickly as we wish.

So instead of instant gratification, we should (for believers) take the advice, see how that fits into the general flow of things and find the 'line of best fit'. Only then, will the advice be worthwhile.

It's like having someone tell you - oh, you're not going to be doing well in this job - do we quit immediately? Nope, we could take that advice and turn it into a job hunt for something better.

uncontrollable tailspin

For the many who are very familiar with themselves, it's always good to be in control of our wants and non-wants. The problem arises when we know what we want but we need housekeeping because we are caught in this puddle of dirt. It's like getting tangled in seaweed when we are swimming out at sea. Only two things can happen, we either get ourselves entangled, or we drown.

Drowning is not the preferred option since that means we have lost the battle - but is there such a thing as fate, playing it's hand?

I do not believe in fate, although I do believe in a bigger picture - I refuse to sit and accept an unwritten fate, which didn't go through my consent department for approval. Some call that destiny, not fate. Like, if a person is destined to be President, he will be and if he's not, he won't be. So, although there is a big picture, I know we are the artist but if the final product is a landscape, and we started doing portraits, then we are definately ON THE WRONG PAGE.

This is where I am at - the wrong page.

It must have happened somewhere between my taking out the drawing paper and finding the coloured pencils. The breeze could have flipped my art paper and got me onto a page, which looked like the one I was supposed to work on.

What can we do as amendments is quite limited, considering, it's an entirely different page. But being resigned to a situation is not something I digest too easily - hence my going into my dwelling mode - a period I spend just doing nothing except adopt a slow thinking process. It's the point in my life, when I choose irresponsibility over responsibility - and focus on getting my views at a more acceptable personal level. Usually it entails a mental war and ends with casualities.

My target now, is getting myself healed - it's not the appropriate time, since i have semester 2 looming - and i find myself not having the energy to continue - because of a system failure - I know, at the back of my head, that I have done the best that I can, in my present life - but i'm not satisfied - conflict within the self.

In this sense, it helps that I know me very well - but it doesn't make this season any easier because I am more conscious about what's going to happen and as such, become more troubled by it. I cannot defer my studies - I should not - but at this point in time, there is nothing i can find within me, to steer away from this route.

Isn't it always like this? We know what we should do, but we seem to be in an uncontrollable tailspin.

Self-destruction

The first time I ever heard this word was in some TV sitcom too many years ago. Must have been some sci-fi thing with robots of some sort. Now, this word is etched in my head, where my personality rules, quite similar to when we do a RESTORE/FDISK on our computer.

When all else fails, we do a RESTORE/FDISK, so that the memory is cleared, HDD cleared and all viruses cleared. I feel that until I do that, I am not able to move forward because I most certainly am not able to ignore quarantined files, neither am I able to live with pockets of dust if I have some knowledge that it's there.

People have their own way of moving forward, but my way is always getting the trash out first, good trash and bad trash. I have no way of controlling what gets recycled and what doesn't. It just happens. My mind shuts down and reformats and reboots on autopilot.

At this point in time, my studies, 6 months or one semester left is hanging in the balance. The Libran would say, let's put stuff on the other side to keep it balanced. But the dragon, who has emerged is just burning everything down. The Libran has no control over the dragon, when she's in a rage - how does an object control a mythical creature?

I do not feel helpless or hopeless - it's not a place I visit often and when I do feel like that, it's for a moment. I feel self-destructive, which is way beyond the helpless/hopeless fight/flight syndrome. Some people need a clean slate to start, I need fallow grounds i.e. burn the bushes, forget about smoke pollution and let it just sit there doing nothing.

This is where I am now. Why now? well I have kept this under control for as long as I could and yesterday, the ex, threw a comment which sparked this - he told me he couldn't get dinner because he had to pay the electrical bill - of course I could get dinner for my son, I have always gotten dinner for my son - it's not about the inability of getting dinner, it's about being bitter, vindictive and trying to assume that I am not able to buy dinner for my son just because I'm not working like a regular person. It's an attempt to make me feel useless and dependent.

Coming from someone who has depended on me for 17 years, triggered a response.

I blew a fuse and it's one fuse that doesn't have a replacement i.e. self-destruct and destroy everything in my path.

Am I a Virus that gets people into a Coma

I have spent the entire week, not just trying to resolve my intermittent wireless connection, but also, reconciling other events that have punctuated my life, leaving it perforated.

Life is basically easy to understand - but relationships and people are complex - although I have returned distinctions for Relationship Studies, it's still quite a challenge for me.

Unfortunately, not everything stems out from simple trust - it also comes from how much foresight we have, whether we are planners or not and whether we take responsibility for our actions. Relationships fail because two people are too different in how they manage opinions and responsibilities. A person could be very high on being responsible and get stuck with someone who is only responsible when told to be. This has nothing to do with a Type A or Type B personality, but dependent upon whether that person in question, acknowledges the fact that unless we take the problem in our hands and attempt to find a solution, the problem will not go away. Some people are just selfish and can only think within their personal space. Such people should not be allowed to get into relationships, simply because they are not able to follow through with their promises and they do not have the capacity to feel embarassed about not making the grade.

Therefore, it's never a matter of trust. If a person could not be trusted, then that person could never even be involved in any kind of friendship/relationship. It's got to do with how all the wrong personality traits landed into one phenotype's genepool - not a common occurance - but in my life, I have fished out 2 of these characters, single-handedly - both of whom have failed in the basic lessons of being a thinking human.

I have gone past thinking about whether the causal factor is me - because even if it is, then how does one person, magically transform another person into a being whom no society can accept by normal standard behaviour?

No where, in my studies have I come across a theory which states that when a person marries another who is more capable than them in terms of income generating abilities, they automatically slip into COMA. So, perhaps, my foundation is viral based. I am a virus which infects people so that they become totally incapacitated and useless. There is no antibiotic to cure them and usually, after they have allowed the virus to run it's cycle, they will go out there, have immunity against this illness and become better people to a new family.

Bottom line : I have two failed relationships at the 2/3 marker in my life - all temporary relationships that I had in between and prior, not accounted for. In all my relationships, temporary and permanent, was ended by me - so, I am a virus, highly infectious and ridiculously successful in getting people to exhibit symptoms like laziness, irresponsible behaviour and basically, everything underlying and recessive to transform into the dominant and create a totally inefficient person.

not everything is stats

For the many reasons I chose to do this work, I have more that tells me, it's time to move on.

I believe that I should always be reaching out for new challenges, not so much opportunities, but challenges. However, because I have a good team with me, I hang on. If there is money to be made, then let's hang on. But it doesn't stop my mind from thinking about other options.

Perhaps that's what makes me more intrusive and less patient - I have this need to see a greater picture and when I get a peep and it doesn't look great, I'll move along to another pasture.

With the past 2 weeks moving at a grilling pace - simply because we were working on 3 deals at a time, I couldn't help but think about keeping the pace but exploring other areas of work - not in the same industry. Being in the real estate business, means nothing these days, it's the same shit coming out from different holes and whether we succeed or not, would depend on how well our toilet bowl functions. I can accept changing market conditions and tough calls to make, but when an owner becomes greedy and validates that with statements like BANKS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO VALUATION, then it upsets me. There cannot be a market, if there are no financial institutions to back up the business. As with all organisations, Banks have a right to be conservative - we should respect that because if we were licensed to lend, we would do the same, when the market moves - rises and falls - in a blink of an eye.

To make things worse, this seller refuted the offer by saying he's a statistician and he's more correct.

Well, stats is stats - it's not reality when we are doing a forecast. Retrospective summaries are respected, but it cannot be used as a definate causal factor until the theory has been proven - and where market dynamics are concerned, it just cannot be done.