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October 30, 2009

almost christmas

Now we are definately at the last stretch of 2009. In 2 days, we will be in November and what jolted me was when I saw christmas decorations on sale. This year did go fast and thankfully so too.

I suppose, if there is any word to describe 2009 it would be - turbulent and definately THE turning point in my life. It came with changes to my life, drastic changes and I can only say, it was long coming and something that will bring me more contentment in the future.

If Christmas marks new beginnings, then this christmas should be one that I should look forward to as a milestone. Because I do not celebrate any festivals or special dates, preferring to have an even balance of importance for each day of my life, this may be the year where I celebrate christmas to officiate my new beginning, so to speak.

Having said that, it's tough to change how I do things, because no matter what I hope to do, to make it a celebration, it will not happen. I prefer observation in solitude to' loud' demonstrations. Whatever the changes I wish to embrace is very personal and no matter what the social expectation is, I am a non-conformist - which makes it difficult for me to wake up on christmas morning and have statement-making on my agenda.

BUT as always, I shall bask in the greens and reds and glitter - and hope that by the time January comes, I will be able to put my depression to rest and live my life the way I wanted to all this time. It's a big deal, to ear-mark a year - it's like asking ourselves, which year in our lives we remember the most. So, it's almost christmas - almost time to actually move on and live.

October 29, 2009

Last resort

I think I know where I am stuck. I haven't been away for too long and the idea of being confined and contained is causing me to loose patience with everything.
People go for vacations for different reasons - I hop outstation to step aside from the nitty-gritty with the hope that when I return, I would be refreshed. I usually am, just from breathing foreign air. I don't require much except for a change of scene.

I was looking forward to my sydney conference, but that's too far away and it's not comforting me at all, since I could be loaded with fresh work by then. So I'm dreaming of a short trip - to my favourite destination - but because the school holidays are around the corner and some students are already off school, i'm not convinced. The one thing I do not do, is travel during the school holidays - simply because the flights will be noisy and so will the hotel lobbies.

I need to find a short-term relief for this state and frankly, Sentosa is beginning to look nice. I am not a beach bum, but I will go there, if that's the very last resort for peace of mind - although it won't stop my phone from ringing, it will at least give me some time away from people.
At the moment, my state of mind doesn't call for drastic measures yet - so my swim wear is still safe in the drawer. Strange, how a local beach resort is my last resort. I suppose it's almost like being away without the need of a passport.

October 28, 2009

the need to validate

Some of us are really slow to warm up after a lapse, and I'm one of those - the only thing that doesn't require a downtime for me is work. Whether that is a fortune or misfortune, is totally beyond me.

I have been having a discussion with my gf about graduate school - simply because she's thinking of doing the same, in Law. We both agreed that the financial commitment is too much just because it doesn't necessarily convert itself to real disposable income later on. In my opinion, graduate school is a very personal commitment and decision to take.

Most parents are just more than satisfied to have attended a university Convocation for their child. Perhaps that's a parent's yardstick to say, hey, your financial commitments for the kid is officially over and so when the child says, I want to go to graduate school, it's a bummer.

Whatever the reason we provide for ourselves to justify throwing the money on graduate school, it must and should be something we have a passion for - putting aside the disposable income potential, because in an unstable world economy, having a job is already good enough.

I am in graduate school because it's what I have always yearned for - the quest for knowledge and the interest to understand and integrate my understanding of the human mind - it may never convert itself to my ever being in practice, but it's a personal satisfaction. I feel that until I have done that, I will never be able to satisfy my distaste for sitting with a case file for an hour, and trying to be empathic.

I have no interest in empathy, but an interest in solving the real problem - which usually is within reach - but in order to solve it, we need to study the connections - so that when we come up with a solution, it's permanent. This brings me to what my lecturer told us all in Year 1.
Psychology majors graduate with rose-tinted glasses, through which they see the world, and that is a problem in itself - the world is imperfect and so are people - and that we need to accept it.

That to me, is not a psychologist talking, but a counselor.
I find there to be no need to just accept the imperfections - but a need to find the cause.
for that reason, practice is not for me - when I embark on a journey to find a cause, it may take me a while and most do not have the patience, preferring an more instantaneous solution albeit temporary. Of course I am able to come up with a temporary solution, but I will also start digging for the root cause - with or without the client - if anything, to be a better psychologist.

So graduate school may be a waste of time and money for some - but for me, it's a necessity because at least at the end of the day, I will have the vehicle to find any root to any tree, provided the problem is interesting enough.
For me, it's not about adding another title to my name, it's about validation.

October 27, 2009

of shoes bags and cell phones

I have a new Sony Ericsson phone - the Satio.

It's interesting to remember that we should only buy what we need. This month, I have decided to give myself a treat, since I haven't bought any new shoes for a bit - I do have too many unused pairs and it will be IMPRACTICAL if I continued to collect new shoes. So, for the past 3 weeks, I have been looking at my fav label for bags and although I usually just buy what I want, I decided to be PRACTICAL and dwell before I commit on a purchase.

When I walked away from the counter, the 3rd time this month, it was with much difficulty, but I told myself that I have too many bags which I don't rotate in usage unless i'm travelling and just to prove a point, I said No. But my NO didn't last long, since I walked into my mobile operator's shop, to actually change a sim card. I walked out 4 hours later with 2 new phones, one for my son and one for me. It took me 4 hours, because for starters, I was undecided when looking at the dummy phones and then during the sim card transfer, they found the phone to be faulty.

So now, I have a new touch-screen phone - spent the entire night figuring it out without referring to the manual and I think I got a grip on it.

I suppose there are not just 2 things that I love to shop for, but 3. Shoes, bags and mobile phones. sheeish.

October 26, 2009

being real

When a relationship ends, two things can happen.
FIRST - the person who was hurt, ends up being emotionally affected
SECOND - it was mutual and no one is really emotionally affected

I know there will be some people who think that both parties are mutually affected - but realistically, that's rare. People are creatures of habit - preferring not to deal with changes and a change in the status of a relationship is not a small matter but a big deal.
The person who has the most, riding in the relationship, will be the most affected.

I find it difficult to believe when a person tells me that someone chose to end a relationship after many years and then spent 3 days crying - when she has been procrastinating this break-up for almost a year.

Perhaps I do not expose myself emotionally that I misunderstood - but that again is not true. As 'cold' as I can be, I do feel like anyone else - I just manage my emotional state, outwardly better. In all my relationships before, I was the one who walked away - there were times, when it wasn't because of a lack of affection, but just I just felt that it wasn't a relationship that I needed - and when I walked away, I didn't have to ball my eyes out - I just moved on.
Some would say, that's really cold and perhaps it wasn't even real - but no, it was real because I do not indulge in an exclusive relationship because it's fashionable.

So, yes, I was a bit disgusted that my gf wasn't truthful in filling in the gaps - and expected me to be sympathetic. But, I understand that she has to preserve her sense of having done the right thing because she's talking to me, yet I don't understand why she bothered to share that with me, if she wasn't prepared to totally unload.

If we need advice, we need to come clean.
If we need counseling, we need to come clean.
We cannot get help, if we hold back - because the story is incomplete and until there is complete understanding of any situation, the correct amount of 'help' cannot be rendered. It's like having this building collapse - if the report said the roof caved in it certainly would trigger a different alarm from a report which said the entire 25-storey building crumbled like a pack of cards.

The bottom line : Don't expect sympathy if we are not ready to totally unload. And even when we do, we need to be real - we cannot expect people around us to be real, when we are not.



October 25, 2009

vocab limited by faculty

Are some of us just great at vocabulary or is our familiarity limited by the faculty we are from?

I never applaud myself for having an extensive vocabulary, simply because I never was compelled to use unfamiliar words in my speech or written pieces like the email, just so people do not misunderstand. There is no necessity to do so, since in the business world, simplicity means clarity.
At the same time, I'm writing a research paper, which does call for some faculty jargon - not a lot, but it's a necessity - and because i'm not in practice and do not need to write into a case file, again, some words just evade me. A very good friend, loaned me his thesis for a read - so help me gather my academic thoughts and instead, I found that a word he used was not anywhere in my vocabulary bank - so I had to google it.
Then my gf who's a law Hons grad, started reading her stuff for her masters, which will begin in Feb and we were having an email conversation about our faculty graduate programmes and the route we usually have to undertake. She had to google a term I used.
And so we got started on this topic - she is a better student because she was from the top school here.
Perhaps we all should stop measuring our knowledge using vocabulary as a yardstick, since it's obviously dependent upon our field of study. She's a Law major, my good friend is a History major and me, a psych major.
It may be so, I hope it is, because I certainly do not need to think that my standard of english isn't cutting it.

October 23, 2009

Time off a friendship

People mean well when they give advice even when it's not sought. Otherwise, why would they bother? This is what I have been trying to convince myself, since people will not make adjustments unless it's what they want - myself included.

Although my greatest weakness is 'being affected' by comments from close friends, I usually get over it after a while - but that would mean days of being preoccupied, days of online gaming, days of just doing nothing but dwelling. When it affects me very badly, I become dysfunctional - because i have been clinically depressed for too long - a condition my close-knit friends are familiar with.

It has not been a year free of emotional, psychological stress - and looking back, I have done what I could to manage my state of mind and still function. I cannot say that I have survived, since I still wake up depressed and I still have trouble sleeping right through the night. To add fuel to the fire, my gf E, hasn't been very helpful at all. She hides behind the persona of being genuine and sincere when giving me her 2-cents worth of comments - what kind of friend does that, especially when she is copied on every facet of my life? I use to always tell myself that she means well, yet this year, in particular, is making it more difficult and I'm tending toward thinking that she's unhappy herself and using my unfortunate situation to make herself feel better.

That is not being a friend, because she does damage to others to feel good.
I am right now, not strong enough mentally to deal with her and have a sense of being trapped because she keeps herding me in the wrong direction.
I will do the unthinkable - stay away from her.
I will have to be selfish for myself - 20 years of friendship or not - I need to take a leave of absence from this friendship.

October 21, 2009

Another wet blanket

Just when I thought I dealt with who to discuss about what, another unexpected friend called last night. He called for another reason, but the conversation spilled toward my next course of action wrt my career.

I find that a lot of times, people do not listen and although their intentions are to dish out good advice, advice should be given only when sought. This is my gf's godbrother, who is concerned about how I'm keeping, yet have no clue about my life's goals and aims.

I understand that many cannot understand why I'm spending a few years of my life chasing pieces of paper when the society here does not recognise such paper qualifications when it's not obtained in the 'regular' way i.e. right after mainstream school. People are of the opinion that I should just use what I already have and get a 9-6 job in the social services, as I have been trained to do and that I should leave my PhD dream, to just that, a dream.

I also understand that people are concerned that I am spending a mini-fortune on getting graduate qualifications yet have not seen me use it for real work. Real work to them means being an employee.

I was a bit irritated because it's not easy to decide to realise my dream, and who said that my dream had to conclude with a similar job? It's my dream, I own it and if I feel that I need to achieve it for personal reasons, then I don't find it impractical to do so - it becomes impractical only when that takes precedent over reality i.e. I don't even earn an income elsewhere.

There was this show, Bucket List - where this very rich businessman made a list of things he would like to do before he died - he had all the money in the world, yet he did have things he wished to do. I am not a rich business person, but I too have a list and getting my PhD is on that list. It's different from wanting to sky-dive or climb a mountain but it's my dream and whichever form it takes, it's mine.

I didn't say much to correct him, nor did I bother to even give him an insight, simply because I find it a waste of time to explain to someone, something which they would not understand because they are not me.

We all have dreams, we realise some of them, we put some others aside.
We manage our expectations and we do our best to balance our needs and wants.
What works for one person, doesn't work for everyone across the board.

Before we decide to become a wet blanket, we should study the situation, study the person and listen carefully. This is why I do not like casual conversations, because many will misunderstand me, not out of ignorance but more because they had a bad time in their life and think it will happen to everyone else. I am not immune to disappointments and I have had my fair share of them, but it doesn't mean I should cease to dream.

October 20, 2009

Peace of Mind

There are many kinds of people - people who are insecure, people who are secure, people who are practical, people who are impractical - people who are worriers, people who take things as they come.....too many differentiation for it to really matter, but it does when you have to deal with any one of them, who are pretty much stuck at one end of a continuum.

When we are in need of a pick me up, we need to be with pick me up type of friends - because if we get stuck in a coffee session with a wet blanket - we will be drowning in our pool of misery by the time the meet ends.

When we need a reality check, we would go for the practical friend - not one who is oozing sarcasm from her pores, but someone who will give practical advice because that's what she does. If we chose her over another who is always emotionally unstable, we will end up taking the wrong turn in our already bumpy road.

As much as we all have this ideal that buddies are supposed to be there for us - we are all still very human with basic instincts like wanting to be the 'better' off - which doesn't do much for anyone in that friendship - I wouldn't call that a friendship, but a friendly competition.

Although I have a diverse handful of friends, good friends - I have learnt that I'm the best driver for my life - I may have made mistakes, some irreparable - but it's because I made a bad call and we need to know that so that we can do better.

I had lunch with one gf and tea with another today - tuesdays are my gf days...and both of them are different in outlook, upbringing, expectations and culture-base....we need different people to make this world colourful, but if you have a problem, and expect a consensus - this will do more damage than help and put me right back on the fence.

We need to decide things for ourselves - because no one can understand our situation, our position and our stress better than ourselves - when someone gives advice, it's based very much on their personal brush with something similar themselves or from someone they heard the story from. It may not be what's best for us.

I would love to have instant answers to all my questions, but I know that's not possible.
So, I make decisions to the best of my ability at the time I'm forced to make that decision...if it's not the correct one, then I pray that GOD will cushion the error somewhat, and give me some space to correct it.
That's why we pray - to seek guidance and blessings for every day of our life.
It's not for material wealth - but for peace of mind - which says it all, doesn't it?

October 17, 2009

of wills and ways

Today is the day Hindus celebrate the Festival of Lights - a triumph of good over evil - or simply put, Deepavali.

Auspicious days like this means, temples are crowded - it's the same for Chinese New Year and Vesak Day - Easter Sunday and Christmas for churches. Devotees are dressed in their best to offer thanks and ask for blessings from God. It's actually the best days in any calendar year for a spiritual uplift.

Because I do not like crowds, I usually avoid getting my spiritual fix on days like these - I remember being stuck in a queue to get into a temple for at least 30 mins those few times - which is already not too long a wait. But I feel that I am not able to focus on actually saying my thanks properly when i'm rushed and one tends to feel rushed when the prayer hall becomes like a sardine tin. My solution, go a day before the BIG day - trouble is, it's not the same. The 'scene' is different.

No matter what I do to psyche myself about going there on the day itself, 80% of the time, I will not take any chances and go a day or so before - I have even gone a day or so AFTER - which means that i'm not doing my best to do things right.

Today, I made it into the 80th percentile and I must say, it felt good, because I woke up before dawn, dressed and arrived way before the rest of the devotees hit the roads. I made it to 3 temples - the usual ones I visit over the year. By the time I was done at the 3rd stop, people were beginning to be very very visible and I was ready to go invisible, back home, to my kitchen.

Imagine that, it never occurred to me that I could still bask in the wonderful finery of the festivities without feeling like fish - all that took was to wake up before dawn. Something so basic and simple, took me this long to figure out.

so, when there's a will, there IS a way.
We just need to be determined enough to find and see the way.
As long as we are clouded with doubts, it's forever going to be cloudy, misty and foggy.
What's the bottom line?
Be clear what the goal is and then just reach for it.
It may take a little tweak here and a tug there, but after that, we are on the home run.

October 08, 2009

modern vs conservative

I had lunch with my gf today and she told me the sweetest thing...her kids like me very much - it's the sweetest thing because they have seen me all but twice in between work conversations. Their mom asked them why they did, given that they didn't have much quality time with me, and they told her, they thought I was modern...whatever that meant....it's a joke really, since their mom, certainly doesn't think I am!

I suppose i'm open-minded - but I would say that with caution, since I have boundaries to what constitutes being open-minded and what is just pure unacceptable. Which is why their mom, was shocked and had to tell me, so that she can make fun of the real situation....

It's not that bad to be open-minded as long as we do not forget that there is a fine line between what is open and what is rude.
For example, having an opinion is fine, but talking back is not.

Well, she did have a fine time cracking up, telling me that she wished she could tell her kids how conservative I really am - which wasn't funny to me, since I don't think i'm conservative at all.
She's leaving for a short-trip tomorrow morning - so she thought to meet up - it's been a long time since i had a girl lunch session and i enjoyed it - it was easy and there was no need to compete for anything....she had her stuff, i had mine.

Most people would prefer to say they are modern and not conservative. or am i wrong?

October 07, 2009

being the bigger person

Thankfully, I have been busy this week and so, there was no opportunity to continue dwelling on my gf. Frankly, this matter should not warrant so much of attention that it distracts me from what is really important - my research and my work. She did call me this morning, not to apologise though.

There are friends, friends who rather pride themselves on being straightforward instead of getting real and telling themselves that they are tactless and rude. No matter what happens, there will be friends who have a justification for anything said or done because they are certain that they are perfect. Only perfect people do not make mistakes but because we are human, we are prone to errors in thought, speech and behaviour thus rendering us humans as imperfect beings, which is why we educate ourselves through school, read widely and pay attention to details, whatever it may be. And even if we were on our death bed, we would not and could not have perfected living.

Each time, a pinch of regret tugs, it's something we wish we hadn't done.
And we could say, we live our life without regrets, but that only means, we have accepted our decisions, good or bad and we are facing the consequences and all. It does not mean we did not think about whatever that we could have done different.

There is this saying that it takes a big man to apologise and a bigger one to accept it.
Well, there is some truth in that, because had she apologised today, I would have brushed it off, preferring not say, I forgive you. If i brushed it off, it would mean that I am not ready to talk about it so your apology is not accepted.

I am not the bigger person, i have never been, when it concerned an apology after someone was sarcastic, vindictive or deliberately hurtful.
To me, if it fell into those categories, apologies do not and will not change the underlying intent which to me is most important in any situation.


October 05, 2009

Friends who only cause misery

We get over some things pretty quickly and some, we just don't.
It has nothing to do with my gift to dwell on things either.

For at least ten years, when my gf and me lost contact, i built my life, set directions and got to living. And again, now that we've been in touch for years, I find myself misdirected and upset - almost the same scene repeating itself. It cannot be my deja vu alone.
Friends quarrel, have misunderstandings but we never wish ill or give wrong opinions, because we need to come out on top, regardless.

I am thinking that in this long friendship, she had an agenda - which included messing me up. It's not totally her fault, since I trusted the friendship so much that it never occurred to me that she had ill intentions whenever it concerned me.

Now that the sun has risen in my horizon and I can see, I must say that although she is a poor example of what friends represent, it hasn't left me with a bad taste for having friends - it just validates that I know myself best and I should never seek an opinion from her, ever, again.

She has just downgraded herself to being an acquaintance.

We have enough to deal with in our daily lives, without having to think if our friend would inflict maximum damage to our sense of self. For that, we could just go to some war zone and have our sense of self sacrificed, at least for a greater good.


October 03, 2009

some should just be in the queue

For the many who cannot understand why it's important to find your passion in life, trust me, it's important.
Someone, told me that you can either exist in your life or live it. I am sure I have mentioned this many times in this blog. And until we decide that we want to live life, we will never find the passion in living.

It may take me weeks before I could actually say I have defused my anger - but the good news is, I can only manage one emotion at a time and for the moment, my depression is on the back burner again. I do not feel as hopeless and helpless perhaps because nasty as my gf was yesterday, I wasn't about to let her be right. Perhaps this is my coping mechanism, because the low level energy gets charged with anger and it's directed outwards to the target asking to get shot at.

The one thing we should and must learn is, if a person is so inward-looking, then we should just walk away. There is no meaning in friendship if it's one-sided - friends should be around each other, when things are rough, if nothing, just to be there. friends should share the laughter as well and be sincerely happy if things work out fantastically for one of them. If we are not able to draw any kind of fair exchange in that friendship - it's not a friendship at all, but a game.

Why a game?
Well, when we are competing, we do our best to get to the finish line before the other competitor or we try to shoot more balls into the hoop. Whatever it is, a game is when there is a winner and looser.

My gf will never understand my academic life nor will she even try to, because she has not come to terms with herself and probably has many unsatisfactory moments. She is obviously bitter with her life and me, being in a depressive state, became a convenient target for her. What she doesn't know is, that no matter how deep into depression I am, I will never stand for unnecessary outbursts and unfair comments - irrespective of where it's being directed.

Sure, she got me really hurt yesterday but for a minute, because after that, all i could feel was simmering anger - and 24 hours later, the hurt has gone, anger subsided and disgust sets in.

Perhaps I should learn that unless a person sincerely cares about what happens to me, I should not bother about what happens to them, because i'm not a social services agency and even if I'm trained in this field - I'll learn to say, take a queue number and see the other counselor over THERE!

October 02, 2009

Yet Another Year

Today, I realise that whatever academic achievements I have attained, will mean nothing to me, if I do not make use of it.
Today, I realise that no matter how great a girlfriend/older sister is, she will never understand what it means to be an academic, if she herself is not one.
Today, I realise that no matter how much I have always stood by her at her lowest points in her life, she doesn't have the capacity to do the same for me.
Today, she made me cry.

There is a conference in Sydney in January - call it the 'ego' conference - since it's for select academics only - I would like to go - not because I need an ego boost, but because I need to convince myself that although I have messed up too much of my life, that I am not hopeless as a person. I feel the need to connect with my academic peers, so that the years I have wasted, just staying in a farce of a marriage didn't mean that I was stupid - but because it was necessary.

When a person makes it academically, we congratulate them, because it's an honour to be recognised and to be selected. I was hurt, very hurt that she told me to be practical and that going over for the conference would probably not make my troubles go away. Well, that wasn't my intention. I needed to attend to make myself feel right about me and that cannot be wrong.

I even took the time to explain to her that sometimes, we need to convince ourselves that we can do it, whatever it is - and that we have the strength to make it to the finish line - and if that takes some time and money and effort - so be it. At least it would give us the fuel and energy to do it. I could stay here and save myself the money, but will that give me the energy I need to move on? I don't think so, because if that practical formula worked, then I wouldn't be depressed now.

So, yes, another year, and I have started on another journey - it's kudos.
Yet, what she told me is unacceptable and I will make her see that she's wrong.

October 01, 2009

a day before my birthday

I have said many times that I have reached the crossroads in my life - and on hindsight, those were not quite crossroads, but more forks on a straight road - a road which splits into two and you decide which to take, the right or left...which did set me on a stall, since i'm not great with options.

so, i usually move on with what i thought was the correct turn and well, after a few correct turns, I came to this very busy junction - a real crossroad and now I'm parked in the middle of this yellow box, not being able to figure out where to turn.

At the back of my mind, I do know where my journey should end - yet getting there is really tough, because i have my luggages strewn all over the roads i have traveled on - and light is a great way to go, although it would be quite irresponsible of me.

I have observed a long silence, because i'm clinical again...i wish i could say in all honesty that I would be able to get out of this doldrum soon, but it doesn't look promising - in all my life, depression was always at the back-seat, because i busied myself with too many things - and being in my stock-taking season before my birthday, doesn't help at all. I haven't read back on where I was, a year back, because it may just set my off deeper into the darkness that has enveloped me - on the up-side, it may give me a clue - either way i'll find the courage to read back.

Perhaps for me, being depressed and emotionally damaged is the norm. After all, there never was a time in my life over the past fifteen years that made me think that i have recovered - i have managed it, but never dealt with it the way it should be dealt with.
When you've been this depressed for this long, it's all you know and it's all you wake up to. I'm sure it will pass, again when I busy myself with my research - and it'll just reside quietly under my skin.

I am a lot closer to completing graduate school - which should be an achievement in itself, since too many things changed over the past year - but somehow, that's not comforting me at the moment because when I finish, i know i'll be stuck again, because there will be more studying to get done and the question then would be, why, how, where.