Bad seed, bad fruit

Book Cover

Whatever happened recently, somehow propelled me, in the reverse (not in a bad way) back to what I strongly believe - that not all forms of role-modelling, parenting or education is absorbed into our person.

Many times, we find parents baffled, because hard as they tried to raise their child well, to be respectful of societal mores and to be ethically in line with moral codes, they sometimes face defeat.

On most days, I try not to judge and I do what I can, within my reach, to lend a hand.  Sometimes, my gut tells me that people cannot change so bail out, yet other times, I empathize.

My reading material is usually Psych-based - since I am passionate about it, besides being a Psych major.  This book intrigues me because it discusses simply, why a person could have had the best home to grow up in, loving family and good opportunities, yet fail so much to be 'contributing' citizens of society.  By that, I do not mean, just by their paying their taxes on time.

I do know many people, who do not have a full-time professional job, yet spend hours a week doing voluntary work to help those in greater need (than themselves).

What I have learnt again is :
People will use people if they are self-centered individuals and there will be no qualms on their part.
People will attempt to be more of who they are not, when they are desperate. In this case, this person pretended to care about the people who were lending him a hand, yet once he was in the clear, those same people were 'worthless' to him; not even good enough FOR him, because he flies a plane for a living and to him, thats a huge deal.

People will pretend to care, by asking after your friends (who are assisting him in his problem) often yet after the tornado tides down, he is back to his status quo of them not really being his friend in the first place.

People who cry (hes a 48 year old man btw) when thinking he might go to prison, then after that tells you he appreciates their help but he never asked for it - are worse than crocodiles - Put a crocodile next to him and I now know that I am 'safer' sitting next to a crocodile.

This person, flaunts the law, got slapped with a fine (on another matter, during the same time frame) yet now turns around to say he was unjustly accused and paid the fines for something which is not his fault.

Traits like these, should have been picked up by the interviewing panel 20 years ago when he applied for this flying job.  There are jokes about flight deck personnel being alpha male etc, but at least when I read about alpha males who are serial killers, I have yet to come across them bawling their eyes out like a toddler who needs his pacifier.

Help only those deserving of help.  People you know who are humble to begin with.  People without a chip on their shoulder.  People who know how to be appreciative and people who Play it Forward.

Am I bitter?
Hardly.
Just intent on passing the word around - that just because someone is an expensive hire, doesn't mean he has much worth on the Scale of Life.

Time Flies - Dawn of a New Day

2 years have passed since my last post.  Life has kept me busy - and as usual, it was because of someone elses' 'troubles', not mine.
I need to log the events, briefly, just so it becomes a lesson in point.

Dawn of a New Day for me

When I posted my last entry, I was 1/3rd along, in assisting a friend solve his flat problems, promotion troubles and an alleged molest charge.  Then, I wondered, how GODs hand worked in unfair swings; since He obviously swung in this persons direction threefold. BUT my faith never wavered - I offered prayers for God's Mercy on this chap, connected with my social circle of friends, who hooked this friend up with a criminal lawyer, while I supported this person, determined to help him get back on his feet, psychologically and emotionally.

After the dust settled, this person, chose to celebrate all the case closures with his circle of friends, not the ones who provided him the support and assistance.  Never mind that, when I asked him, not because my circle of friends needed him to buy them a round of drinks (he told them he would buy them a round of drinks after all is over), his response was rather like a 'brush-off'.  He retorted that 'oh its because I did ask and you said you didn't want to meet so and so'.

Well, I didn't on that particular day and time (it was last minute) and I would like to think that if over 3 years, we leaned on another group at least once/twice a month, that we would remember to do the same, once we are out of the woodwork.  To add insult to injury, he told me he never asked for my help or that of my friends.  I also told him that not asking but taking the help/assistance anyway makes no difference to how a reasonable, thoughtful person would react, after the fact.  He ended this argument with "TAKE THE BLINKERS OFF ALREADY".

I never walk around in blinkers nor use it for sleep.  If he wasn't in dire need of legal assistance (top end criminal lawyer, with whom he consulted because of my contacts, for free), why would I search my black book, ask for help, on his behalf.  There was no way I could drag him to meet with the lawyer IF he didn't need one or IF he didn't want to go or didn't need the help.

I have decided to then walk away - it is NOT a friendship that is worth keeping.  In fact, looking back, I understand why GOD was so unforgiving when GOD decided to dish out trials for him. GOD probably wanted him to learn humility and guess what? He failed terribly.

In case people think this is about your average Joe, NO.  This is a person who flies a plane for a living.  AND he wonders why he was never given a promotion at work after more than 10 years - I spat out, that such behavior is NOT management material.  He is self-centered and self-absorbed.

We wonder why Singaporeans try not to help - this is why.  People don't know how to say THANKS or be grateful for those who don't judge you when in a bad situation.

I get it now GOD.  I get it.
I apologise for meddling and providing him assistance when YOU knew the best way to teach him a life lesson.

Its now the Dawn of a New Day for me - no more mercy.

One Door Closes Another Opens

Is that really true?

I think I need a reference point - since to some extent its true (for me) and to some extent its not so true.

TRUE

Well, as usual, just when I feel like moving forward, something happens to hold me back, then something happens again and I feel compelled to move forward again, but right into a traffic junction.  THAT is what has been 'trending' the whole of my life to-date.

FALSE

What if the last door that closed (by my own choice) is the last door? What if, by my own choosing, I closed the door that takes me out to this field where there are no more doors for me to open but to just float in the wind? 

I do not feel like it is the last door, yet I am not convinced that there is a blurry vision of one ahead either.  Its like I see lots of buildings but no doors enticing enough for me to want to turn the knob or even recognise its presence.

Its almost like I have lost any shred of believing in finding some friendship which gives me depth yet without the suffocation of being shackled to a stagnant relationship.  Relationships/friendships should remain dynamic since we evolve with the changes that take effect either directly or indirectly to our person.  

So even as I close that door (used to refer to it as a book) I hesitate.

I see the outline of another door (its in my line of vision) but I still hesitate.

Is this the Libran dilemma? 

In a perpetual state of unrest - to always need more, want more - of what? we usually do not know.

BUT even as i have my hands on the door I am about to shut, I have my eyes trained on the door ahead.  

So I guess yes, One Door IF and WHEN it closes, CAN and DOES open another door.

Do we see whats in front of us?

Sadly, most times, we don't.
Perhaps we are busy micro-managing our needs and wants and whats missing, that we miss the very essence of what we actually have.  Its a human flaw across the board.

Seems like my entire life has been punctuated with 'throwing in the towel' and moving on.  It almost feels like dropping anchor is a very bad idea for me and that its not written in my life path for it to be so.

BUT moving forward is not a bad thing - after all, that means taking me to a different space with the hope of having refreshing experiences instead of the same old predictable song.  So, we need to be adaptable to changes, to better survive.

I am a survivor - although very much scarred, still a survivor.  I do not relish huge dreams of ever being blissfully happy, but I know that I will find that balance sometime soon because as messy as my life is, it is getting some order.

Strange - an ordered mess -
So, as I have said many times - we can't keep doing things the same way, expecting a different outcome.  Therefore, I am not.  I am going to change the way I do things.  AND at least, when the dust settles, there might be a surprising end result.

I never believe in a WIN WIN situation, simply because someone always looses, but perhaps if i may, I could skew my thinking to make it about me and less about other people to obtain that WIN WIN.  View the end result from a personal perspective, instead of from a whole perspective.  That might fix the overall picture.

Yeap. The only way to ever be in a WIN WIN situation is to look at things selfishly.  This is what we have been reduced to.
Problem is, is that in me, to be totally selfish, so that I can say I won?  Well, keep the eye on the ball - see what's in front, not whats around it - and write a closing squarely on what we are staring at.
That solves the problem, doesn't it?

Is 'sharing' accidental?

I never believed in labelling relationships.  Perhaps its from the belief that when we define something, it means there comes with it, some kind of 'refinement'.
For example, people could stay totally committed to each other without having to legally wed, and on the flip side, people could be legally bound, yet still not mutually exclusive mentally, intellectually, physically, emotionally or a combination of either/all.
To say that only a perfectionist would dare walk this path, may not be far from wrong.  If I believe so much in my ethical standing and sincerity, there would be no reason why I must define that relationship in terms the society can understand.  But in all honesty, how many of us are really brutally honest about having the conviction to stay and not to stray just by being our ethical self?

FAR and FEW.

The justification would be that there is a likelihood, people need to be given 'rules' to follow or social mores to use as a yardstick for how they should behave.

BUT idealistic as I am and a perfectionist as well, I have been more committed in a 'yet-to-be committed' relationship than I ever was as someone's girlfriend or wife.  I would have 'cheated' to fuel my intellectual starvation.

So what happens in an open yet committed relationship, when we receive a text message meant for another person?  Do we even have the right to get upset or feel annoyed and irritated at any level?

Yes.

My bottom line is : just because you can, it doesn't mean you should be flippant about discretion.  It is not about 'not wanting' to know - its about respecting the person you are with, to not offend.  Open relationships can remain open only when there is mutual respect for what will still hurt an otherwise extremely understanding person.

Can Change be GOOD?

A month living under unfamiliar conditions, fresh surroundings and having to put up with grit from the main road and vehicular noise has made me a little more patient, in some sense. It would seem like this move was a very bad idea, because the past 4 weeks have found me spending more time OUTSIDE my space. A close colleague thinks another 4 weeks would settle me a little more...however, i'm doubtful.

There is no lesson I can share today, except that, change is as good as we can accept it to be. No one likes change, wherever it may be - seating in the office, how things are done - we tend to cast the procedure in place automatically and then find ourselves unable to make the adjustment when a pole shifts. I'm not even sure if learning by rote is responsible for this auto-response, but I do know that if something has 'worked' for a long time, why would we have a need to tune it?

Well, we may think it is working, which isn't incorrect. But there will always be a better way to get it working. But what if we don't want better? Well, we will not have a basis to compare, until we experience what 'better' is. Therefore, we should learn to be less unbending and more open to accept new ideas and try new ways of doing things.

The problem is not the change - it's our inability to adjust as quickly - perhaps that's why another 4 weeks may settle me in my new environment a little more.

Today, I moved

After much deliberation and consideration, I have unhinged myself from my nest of 10 years. 24th June 2011, will be the date I will perhaps remember for the rest of my life - simply because it is the first time I actually moved into 'unchartered' space.

The actual move traumatised me at every possible level - i was sleep deprived, physically exhausted and couldn't settle in quickly enough.

This is probably the boldest thing I have done yet; But I am positive that after some time, I will be able to look back and appreciate this change.

As resistant as we are to major change, it is necessary in moving forward.

My new cave is very different - it comes with noise and grit from the main road - but I do get an unobstructed view and a balcony which supports plant growth.

I left a lot of memorable furniture behind - it's best to start fresh - i'm sentimental about things, but i should grow up and deal with not wanting to 'pay for' excess baggage in whatever form.

My cave is not fully ready yet, in terms of my putting my personal stamp on it, but it is coming along nicely. I already feel that I've been unburdened at some deeper level. This may or may not be psychological, but as long as I am functioning at optimal level, I should be thankful and consider myself blessed.

Why books must be closed

I have spent the past few months of 2011 closing 'books'. What I realise is, 'books', my polite term for either girlfriends/guyfriends, must be 'closed' lest we find ourselves knocked simply because the wind blew.

I have never been great with closures - i tend to want to make light of things so that there is less animosity and perhaps, less unpleasantness. Unfortunately, doing what i did, just postponed the inevitable.

Relationships, Friendships are bonds I felt, that was a necessary evil. Although i enjoy the company of friends, I find most engagements, tiring and not always bubbling with sincerity. People are generally either the tit for tat types, or the selfish go-getters; Everyone wants something from Someone. Otherwise, there is no value or purpose in wanting to maintain that Relationship/Friendship.

Perhaps, 2011, will be THE YEAR, I will close all the books i have deliberately left open and finally will be able to move on. I like to think that I can move one step forward without the two steps behind, springing me a surprise.

It's almost mid-year, I must say, 2011 has been going by like a tornado. I feel that I am being propelled in the forward direction, yet, unless all the books are closed, it will not be closed and it will slow my move.

I have learnt to manage these surprises a little less hurriedly, thinking more about how to counter-respond without extending the books.

This is why, we need closure in any area; not a learning curve, but just to always be neat and tidy so that the book can be archived or sold to a bookstore.

I do feel bad, that some friendships/relationships are just not worth a second look; just like books, we read the prologue, review and decide if it's one we would like to discover. If it's not a narrative of interest, it's not and we could give ourselves twice the length of time, to read, but it will not happen. And if it does, we may not even appreciate the effort of the author.

So, if a friendship is too lop-sided, close it or file it under another label, say, hi bye friend.

If a relationship is too noncommittal, close it or file it under say, wrong place wrong time, wrong person.

We are all entitled to having friendships which are helping and relationships which strengthen us as a person. I feel that I should be more selective, not because of fussiness, but that we really don't have much time and I rather I spend that time with people who really matter.

almost final curtain

Today, the 6th of November 2010 will be the day i took another huge step forward in final curtain call. I have been working at a snails pace, clearing up my household mess - simply because GOD doesn't just dish out single situations for me to sort, but always multi-faceted and in an unsorted basket.

Being a creature, requiring 'balance' all the time in order to function at maximum capacity, this has been a rather challenging year - i didn't just have finances to sort, i also have work headaches and my son is doing his GCE O-levels. As usual, i rather just priorities and maintain balance, so to speak, as much as i can.

I won't say that it's easy to clear out a store room or a closet but we start slowly and then pick up momentum. I am all for spring cleaning and garbage, I do not have patience for. When i decide that it's time to clean up, i will roll up my sleeves and finish the work - it's not about having a need to finish it quickly but about finishing it well.

So at the alumni dinner, we were just joking about our school motto : SIMPLE IN VIRTUE; STEADFAST IN DUTY.

Perhaps, after 11 years, in a convent - the school motto has become ingrained into what is my personal culture. Yes, 11 years - I first stepped into the convent as a 6 year old, at kindergarten.

I don't think the school motto has ever failed me in how i conduct my life - because 30 years after i have walked out of the school gates, I know that as long as i have lived my life with sincerity and conviction that whatever we do, we do our best - we do not have to hold anyone to our standards, but when duty calls, duty calls.

With that, i am ready to close this chapter of my miserable life, yet i do not hold GOD or anyone accountable, because I do have a son, who is upholding HE WHO WILLS, CAN - and if he can believe that, so can I.

It's been a long time

It's not that I forgot about this blog - I didn't - because this blog helped my unconscious survive the past few years - my coming back, is one way of taking stock of things, before we close the year.

To say I have outgrown blogging, is like saying I will not go near another bar of chocolates. I will always remain a woman, who is very much a girl inside - who still dreams of being happy unconditionally.

2010 has shifted my entire grid onto another page - making me less regimented in plan adjustments and perhaps helped me grow and understand myself better. Minus rules, it's always chaos, but this time, I found the freedom to appreciate other facets my life, which never got onto my to-do list.

Looking back, it's a lot to process on what really happened. So, perhaps, if time permits, I may just retrace those tentative steps I took, outside my comfort zone, which got me to where i am standing today. A lot less harassed, a lot more optimistic and possibly even hopeful that I didn't actually mess up my life.

what the difference makes

I have spent the past few days, trying to close the gap between 0.9 and 0.77. In terms of numbers, it's just 0.13, but in stats, that's already a lot.

There are two things I can do - leave it and explain this OR try re-keying, re-grouping and see if the gap closes. I have tried re-grouping and got it this close on my last attempt and because today is the first day in February - I have decided that I need to move on, to close.

The strangest thing is, most of whom who used this inventory, got 0.9 - and if there was someone who didn't, it certainly was not officially reported. The difference i obtained, was not good for the inventory. So for an entire day, I was thinking about how to report this difference, without being too critical.

I wish I could re-key it using another method and then see if the numbers improve. But there is no other method which I know about and i'm stuck, have been for 4 days now.

In life, we always try to accept the tiny differences and just get on with it.

In research, when it's not even about life per se, we can't. Tiny differences convey major shifts.

It's not teaching me anything except, in academia, it's all about precision but in life it's about making acceptable excuses for imperfection.

Bintan Lagoon Resort

I had a wonderful weekend at Bintan Lagoon Resort with my gf - managed to get work done, hardly slept of course but that's to be expected - you can never have it all.

I think the shocker was that I felt like I was at some tourist attraction in Singapore, because everything was in Sing Dollars. Ala Carte chicken rice - SGD18 excluding the taxes.

The room was recently renovated and it's more than comfortable. Toiletries were excellent.

There wasn't much to do there unless you're a golfer or a beach person, of which both of us weren't. That weekend was good for us both - we had time to talk as well and catch up, without being limited by having to hang on to the mobile or having to send out long text messages. My gf will be gone for a year, at graduate school.

If there is anything at all, that I came home with, after this weekend is: I'm not a beach person, I am most comfortable in cities and that if I ever go back to a resort, it will be with someone who would drag me to walk on the beach, watch the sunset and feel the breeze brush my skin.

On my own, the soaking in of the beach went on express service not for the lack of breathtaking views.

Yup, that is perhaps why I could not appreciate being in a resort at all.

No one was ever so special enough to flip the switch in my head yet.

no matter what - we survived

The good news as January is plodding to a close is, it's been a good month, although I have been working mainly from the home, via email. The Tiger year does not officially move into cycle until at least Feb 4th, so we are technically not in the tiger year yet. I am not sure, how that affects life in this new year in general, but I do know that I usually prefer to follow the chinese calendar when it comes to looking forward to new endeavors.

I got my drafts back - finally the lit review is right on track. My first draft for the actual research is lagging and I hope it won't take me 8 re-writes to get it right. January played out well for me, since i needed the time at home to work on the papers. It was a rest with a good outcome eventhough it was only one paper of two, which was cleared to be decently written by academic standards.

That is one sliver of silver lining.

I have no clue, how this year will play out, since I may be moving chess pieces onto an entirely different board. My game play for life will change a bit more as I move toward my ultimate goal.

Best case scenarios are usually the ones which happen with pieces falling right into place on time, but going by how my life has gone, it's never all the pieces, but one by one.

I have started to pack for my weekend in Bintan with my gf - and although i'm not thrilled about going away again, I'm excited because it's a new destination for me - never been there. Fresh air and some time away from my work desk would do me some good, since I was planning on the sydney conference next week actually, which is not going to happen - so this is the make-up trip.

The great thing about this upcoming trip is, I am not a beach person at all and I still agreed to go.

Well, it's sometimes not about the location, but the company that would make things different and less of a chore.

I hope to come back and start to work on my life's madness - and at least have some idea what 2010 should have in store for me. We all want things to be better but to what extent is better, better? 2009 was not a good year, but still, it wasn't a bad year for me. It was good enough that I survived the ups and downs with not a scratch. Yet, I wouldn't say it was a good year either.

Having said that, let's just hope for less surprising surprises or shocks and just be thankful that no matter what, we found a solution.

Tunnel vision

I'm still stuck with my placement. Can't seem to get any agency to say yes - to me, it's just 2 things: Either they do not have qualified Psy people for me to hang with OR they just are not really doing things above board and the last thing they need is to allow a 3rd party access to that information.

It's sickens me that we do not have a society that's willing to help graduate students learn and develop better skills through critique. I have another gf who is just trying to gather information about a social service agency's work with a select group for her graduate thesis and again, no one wants to help.

What is our society turning into?

It really shouldn't surprise me, since the culture here is, don't be a kay-po, unless you get some kind of media coverage - some 4D numbers to play - or some reward. It's no wonder I have grown to become bitter about helping people per se and prefer to work with animals or the seriously in need and by that, i mean seriously in need by the standards I have come to know in social services, like the destitute and the loners.

Well, I know this may not happen and don't know what my other options are.

What I can tell you is this - that if people like me, cannot even volunteer for 30 days as a visitor and onlooker, then we do have problems and operating under the radar. If there is nothing to hide, why not help a graduate student gain a perspective? Why this tunnel vision that if we can't benefit, why bother? Why must it always be about personal gains? Why can't it just be about helping another person in a very non monetary sense?

Because our society is not matured enough. Period.

recovering but not recovered

Finally, things are getting back to normal levels - i'm less tired now although pushing my limits would be unwise. Thankfully, work is easing off for a bit, because clients are all travelling and so, will not be around to hassle me much.
The worst thing that could happen to me is to be stuck in bed resting half the day - it's not just boring, but more lame. I can imagine how the aged sick must be feeling, stuck in bed with failing eyesight and limb functions - which is why most are depressed. I am not a good patient and will never be - it's not in my nature to just do nothing and watch TV or read a book or play internet games in bed.

I am travelling this weekend and since it's a place i've never been to before, it may just perk me up. My body's recovering from fatigue and general weakness and as my doctor said, works like a clock - i don't do the unnecessary and it won't give me hell. So i'm just taking things slow and light just so it won't ruin my weekend. My gf is bringing her paper along and so will I - it will be a weekend we both need, just to finish our respective papers and get ourselves off the hook from being chased for drafts.

With everything that's going on, sydney won't work out now, because I don't think i could last a full day schedule during the conference - so i'll skip it now and attend the next one. I am recovering but not recovered which when translated, means, continue with whatever, just don't push your luck. People always said, having a high BP is a killer, but hey, there are meds for that - try having a low BP - all you need is for the sugar levels to drop and total black-out is inevitable with no warning except for a slight light headedness before the lights go out. So i have reverted to having chocolate bars with me again - have not done that in years, but call it going full circle - at least i don't have to worry about calories, which is defiinately an upside to this down situation.

Medically unfit

This is Rusty - the latest addition to counter-balance my stress.

He's 4.5mths old and really a sweet boy.

I'm so stressed out with my medical situation that it's driving me up the wall.

Never mind I can't work for long hours, I get breathless - it's just that I am not a good patient and I detest taking things slow and resting in between.

The good news is, I should be back on my feet soon - how soon, would depend upon how fast my body adjusts - the other good news is, my body works like a fine-tuned clock, which makes it much easier for any doctor to treat - no surprises, just rather straight-forward.

If this is any indication of life in the twilight years, then I have had it. I would probably want the light to permanently go out then. This moving on reverse gear is distressing and causing me migraines. I do not know how to move slowly, or just do one thing at a time - I remember talking about having to do that, simply because I have a paper to complete - but perhaps, this is just GOD's way of making me do what I must - one thing at a time - burning the candle at both ends might have worked for me before, but right now, something's gotta give and I cannot continue at this pace. I'm medically unfit for burning it at both ends.

So, there.

Forced to a corner.

Forced to comply.

Thankfully, we are not in the new chinese calendar yet - otherwise, I wouldn't want to imagine how 2010 will turn out.

White and Me

These are the 2 rabbits I will be bringing home soon. Actually, my first choice were 2 black ones, but somehow these 2 seemed to respond to me better and are somewhat less shy - and as I have read, older rabbits are easier for toilet training and probably more sure of themselves - something I do need since I have a samseng in Frisco.

White was never a choice colour for me, either for clothes or pets. I would always go for black coloured clothes, because black is the basic colour of most suits - makes everything look smaller than it actually is, including ourselves and we certainly do not have to worry about the fabric getting stained. I also go for black coloured cats - simply because people have this belief that black cats are unlucky and very witchy - which made them targets for abuse and unpopular to be picked for another home.

I never liked to paint the walls of my home white - never have done that, ever - I preferred either pastel yellow or just bright bold colours - never chose beige or taupe either.

So, for me to actually go for a pair of white rabbits is really something new - I really wanted to pick the black ones, but somehow, I was drawn to these 2. They are your typical local rabbits - nothing spectacular except that they were huge.

Perhaps in this new year, I'm just making a change - 2010 will definately see me continuing with the slew of changes in my life and going from black to white, isn't all that bad. I'm sure there are many who wonder, why I would bother to make space for a pair of rabbits, a totally different species with a stark difference in temperament - I can't answer that, except to say: once an 'animal' rescue person, always an animal rescue person - these pair have been in the boarding house for more than a year and perhaps, it's time for them to see a brand new year too - being safe in a safehouse, is better than being abandoned on the streets, but if I was wormed toward them (started with my search for research materials) and I do have a large enough utility space unused, since my dog passed away months ago, why not. I'm sure my late Lucky won't mind, since she was a rescued dog too, 17 years ago - and it wouldn't be right to go out and buy a pet when I could shelter another rescued case.

So white it is, to start off 2010.

Leaving Mumbai

These are the last shots of Mumbai that I took, before boarding the flight home. The barriers are there so that only passengers are allowed into the terminal building. I took the picture on the right because there was a man standing on top of the vehicle, unloading bags - I have always been fascinated with this idea of using every part of the car possible.

We ordered sandwiches and coffee when we arrived there and although there wasn't a proper place for us to sit and eat, we managed to enjoy the meal anyways - which just told me that when there is a will, there is way - that when we are hungry, it doesn't matter if we had a comfy place to sit or not - it doesn't matter if we were consuming our sandwiches/burgers whilst the vehicles were just footsteps away from where we were standing. What mattered was, we made use of every second to bid our Hindustani friends goodbye.

Isn't that the bottom line?

That sometimes, we don't need controlled lighting or comfortable seats to make the moment memorable. All we need is the right attitude.

I left Mumbai and came home with one lesson learnt - always make the best of a situation - even when things don't go to plan, make adjustments and get the most out of the situation. Our experiences are as good as we want them to be.

of fibroids

I finally made my way to have a consult with my OBGYN on monday. I have not met him since he delivered my son 17 years ago. There never was a need to.

Anyways, with everything going bonkers lately, I decided to have a consult and find out what's causing me stress - and lo and behold, as I suspected, it was fibroids.

Women know about fibroids and cysts - it's common, yet the very thought of it is rather annoying, because it does cause problems and discomfort. From what I know about fibroids, it's usually benign but whether we remove them or not, would depend very much on how we wish to proceed on with life. I have gfs who just leave them there as long as they don't cause pain and hopefully, it vanishes over time or will be removed at the next c-section. Most of my gfs, do that without complications.

I have no idea what is best for me. Obviously it's being a nuisance now and its still too early to even think about what can be done, since I'll only be going for a proper scan on friday. In the case of fibroids, size does matter and location tool. From what I saw, it was somewhere on the side and I didn't notice it to be protruding.

Whatever it is, I think it may have to be removed either way - because if it's been there for awhile and only decided to be troublesome now, would imply that it's time to get it out.

There is no bottom line for fibroids - it's just there -

Without actually knowing what's going on inside, I am sure that it needs to be removed, simply because my body is intolerant historically and one can only imagine how bad I could end up feeling, long term, if I left it there as if it wasn't there. Already, i'm feeling drained and exhausted - my normal low bp doesn't help the situation and the fibroid putting pressure on the uterine wall doesn't make things right either. This may be just one way for me to run a slower pace but I doubt I could keep up the snails speed for long.

Sheds for cows

I used to see similar sheds in the Tamil movies and I was excited to find some myself, during the road trip back to Mumbai.

One would think the shed is for the people tending to the cows, buffalos and goats, but no, it's for the animals to take shelter in the hot sun.

In an arid land like this, I do wonder what they were picking to eat from the ground, but they all looked well fed and healthy.

According to what I was told, northern India is a bit arid, but if you went south, there will be more greenery. I don't remember doing India for Geog so my knowledge about it's geography is a little unclear.

I wish I could have taken a better picture, but we were rushing to get back to Mumbai before nightfall so this was the best I could do from a moving vehicle.