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April 30, 2009

know when to stop

Voicing an opinion is not just freedom of speech but it allows individuals to express their disagreement/agreement during a discussion, as a contribution. However, depending upon what the discussion is about, how we time our input and how the sentences/questions are constructed reflects upon ourselves and our thoughts about whose side we are on. If the discussion involves third parties, especially when it's about allocating the cause/blame, then it becomes a very sensitive matter to the parties who are at stake.

Unfortunately for some, they are only able to focus on technical issues and in a sensitive discussion, seeking more clarification on such matters may not help in resolving the dispute. To resolve a dispute, we just need to know, who is responsible for the mess, the guilty party. How an equipment failed, ceases in importance, once a protocol has been breached.

When managing a building, any failure to report is just oversight, until it is discovered. And once it has been discovered, then the party who failed to report is at fault. It doesn't matter whether the equipment was functioning or not. It only matters that a report was not filed.

I had one such meeting today. And the people put in place to monitor the equipment, failed to supervise well, and allowed lapses such that other people accessed a faulty equipment which almost resulted in exposing a building to safety issues. This was a serious problem. It could have cost the building owner too much in terms of money and legal implications. To compound it, parties representing the building owners were insensitive to when technical questions were posed resulting in other representatives of the owners seeking clarification on whether those people were on the same team to begin with.

It's always good to clarify, but timing is of the essence.
So, much as we wish to expand our technical knowledge, it's best we also understand that we should always contribute only when we are able to add value to the discussion, otherwise, it's best we be quiet and let the other professionals handle the situation. Some people are just like automatic trains - programmed to stop at the next station and only at the next station. Never mind if we knocked a goose over, the computer interface board was not programmed to stop in between

April 26, 2009

People are predictable, with exception

People are rather predictable.

It has nothing to do with any prior training or life experience (to be able to do so, rather accurately).

It has everything to do with logic and human nature - something inborn - and easy to pick-up if anyone of us bothered to pay close attention.

Like a flame - people won't deliberately put their finger there - unless it's for some professional entertainment or that the person is actively seeking attention from whosoever.

Most people are too busy creating impressions and/or gathering wealth - and they miss the obvious - and then end up wondering why they are being treated unfairly or why their 'plan' backfired. My answer is simple : You probably didn't pay enough attention.

I have spent a huge part of my life, just watching the world go by - I have expressed extended patience and even deliberately been obtuse - just to gauge and learn from the real world. Now, in mid-life, I have learnt to express my disagreement firmly and have the ability to substantiate my point with no room for excuses. It may have been too many years of patience and it resulted in my believing in my right to express what I feel, freely and without reservations.

Running parallel with my ended permanent relationship, it's a game my EX should not attempt to play. He has failed miserably as a person and because of that, he's attempting to play mind games. Years ago, I would have just played along, studied the situation and let things get back to schedule. Not anymore, because like a dormant volcano, I have erupted and spewed enough ash to cause an ice age. I have become my own person by default over time. The ICE-AGE has arrived and I am looking forward to a fresh, new world.

Back to my bottom line - people are predictable - with me, as the exception, of course.

April 22, 2009

of depression and band-aids

When a person is clinically depressed - it's best to find ways to cope - not always a clear-cut task but it's the best method. Depression can last a long time and some people never really recover from it - they just manage to keep it at bay. Having some form of training in this field does help, but it doesn't make the task any easier - it's less hazy a road, but not any easier.

I have tried many things to keep myself occupied - work, school, housework, additional home improvement works and online gaming - but it doesn't help me get a good night's rest, neither does it stop me from feeling 'harassed'. People who are depressed, do not need much really, except a permanent solution. There are some who would recommend increasing the social network or having some kind of social support - but it doesn't work across the board - and I feel that it's a cliche to say that. A person like me, who's always on the go and packed with schedules, do not prefer to widen my social network, do not prefer anyone to talk to either - a person like me, prefers to be alone - I may not be textbook, but why grapple with other people and add on more 'trauma' to an already traumatised state?

Under normal circumstances, I do not prefer crowds - and under depressive circumstances, it hasn't changed for me. Some people can get around this syndrome by being with people - I say, that's a temporary measure and not realistic - we need to prefer our own company and deal with ourselves before we are able to cope with another person or persons. There is always a danger that when a depressed person is alone, bad things can happen - well, again, that's not across the board. This is the reason why I never chose counseling as part of my programme - I do not believe in cliches and textbook stuff. I believe that for every textbook case, there is an offshoot which will not be anywhere like the 90% and for anything to be resolved, it has to come from within, which is a problem in itself, since within is very much damaged.

There is always more below the surface and superficial solutions are just band-aids. Band-aids are helpful if we have sufficient clotting agents in the blood - otherwise, it's useless - likewise for this situation - band-aids won't help, because the clotting agent is absent.

April 20, 2009

Keeping Busy

In my life, keeping busy is never an issue, since my schedules are always packed - if it's not work, it's housekeeping and if it's neither, it's school. Although things get on a crazy mode, it's manageable by my standards - there are still days when I wish for time to pass more quickly.

I have never imagined that I will reach this day and time, without much idle time - but perhaps it's because I make sure I fill up my days constructively - meaning, I do not believe in just being a couch potato or a piece of furniture - I will find something to clear out or improve on - Right now, I'm collecting tins of paint - because painting is one form of therapy for me and it's always a good feel, when slapping on a fresh coat of paint, somewhere. I have started on painting the study room - a place I spend a lot of time in - leaving 2 huge walls in my room still undone. This room, being one with the most shelving units, is probably the toughest to complete - too many things around and moving furniture in this room is tough.

Although I've successfully kept busy - my schedule is not packed enough - I know I should be doing more for school, but statistics is just something that I can digest 'so much' of, per day. Some people won't include school as part of keeping busy because I could definately be glued to my chair for hours without much effort - how is that 'busy'? well, busy for me is when my mind is occupied and pre-occupied - I could be baking and yet not feel busy enough to think that I've accomplished anything much outside the regular expectation of how things should conclude.

But busy is what we should be - it keeps us from just wasting precious time - and time does fly, when we don't actively think about it - yes, we do wish for bad times to zip away, but in a broader sense, time should be used well, and eventhough I wish that it could go by faster, it's only because I want to see beyond my graduation - anxious about other graduate programs that will be available. I keep busy so that I keep depression at a manageable level - if I don't and it's mismanaged, time will drag and the ability to keep busy and relevant will be history.

So although we wish to have some free time, it works like everything else - moderation - everything is good when done in moderation - balance that with keeping busy and we'll make it through the days and the weeks.

April 14, 2009

A little light

I know that sometimes, things get so crazy that it's like being in a well, with water swirling around the dark. If we looked up, we will see that little light - which is our way out altho it may seem out of reach.

I have to work on a Placement and frankly, I don't look forward to it, simply because I've been there and done that. But because I have to do it, I decided to look up, at the light, and figure it out. So, instead of dwelling on the I hate it, I chose to park myself somewhere different - somewhere I have never had work contact in, so that my Placement won't be a cliche when I have to write about it.

I am not sure, if this large govt organisation will accommodate my request, but I do have hope, until the light dims out. And if it does, then I'll have to find some way to light another light - no choice - it's either this or a whole semester of counseling again.

How do we find another source of light in a damp well?
Unless the world ends, we should know that the sun will rise again, and if there isn't a match for us to light one immediately, we wait.

Have I lost my patience? Indeed I have, but this is not about loosing patience in life, it's about not loosing hope.

April 09, 2009

Why can't everything be like 'stories'

Why are some subjects just fine and stay with you almost forever except anything to do with mathematical calculations?
It's interesting to actually find out.

We could have done History, or Geography or even Literature - and remember facts years later when there is a need to recall that information, yet when we are dumped some mathematical equation without practice for years, it becomes greek.

I am referring to Statistics - the dreaded module - which I am stuck with this entire year.

I never failed my statistics when we covered basics but somehow, even the foundation of this subject became just symbols of decoration, if I may put it that way. It's slowly coming back, but not fast enough, because we have an assignment due in less than 4 days and frankly, lost is not where it's comfortable to be, at this point in time.

I find stats to be okay, when I was doing it back then - didn't like it too much, but it wasn't a stumbling block, so to speak. And doing it at a higher level now, is making me feel like an idiot, because how does one do something at a higher level and not 'know' the basics?

Does our mind only remember stories? Do formulas and it's applications require recall and use before it becomes like a 'story' i.e. having the ability to recall at will with reasonable accuracy?

To say I am Suffering, is putting it very mildly - I have been de-stressing with the baby belling oven and painting on a daily basis. On the lighter side, if I do not return a satisfactory credit for my stats, at least I would know that I could always earn my keep in my old age as a baker or brush painter.

April 07, 2009

Starting on the last lap

It's always difficult to get into gear, when the journey seems to be interrupted by traffic lights. It happens on the road, when we are driving and it happens when we set out to get something done and find it almost impossible.

For working adults, hitting the books may be a chore - some don't really like the idea of upgrading or getting an additional qualification. That is half the battle lost - because unless you believe in what you are doing, studying and doing well, isn't plain sailing - the ocean is always rough and the winds, unkind. But for working adults like me, who enjoy the academic toilings, interruptions are annoying and it kills my patience for anything else. I know about distractions, I am very familiar about being disciplined, but work is unforgiving and too full of surprises - I do not live in an environment, conducive for my readings - because I need to read in silence - not deadly silence, but the silence of not having too much of movement around me. I am able to read in a room full of people, provided they don't move about within my line of vision and make too much of distracting noises.

In moments like these, I ask myself, why put me in this position. Why not just focus on working and building up the business. Why pay so much of money and expose myself to unnecessary stress and pressures.

It's passion and an ambition.
Something I wanted, too many years ago, but postponed, because my life took a different turn. Now that I have come to an almost full circle, I felt it was a good time to continue my other journey - the one that never had priority. This is the 'last' lap, so to speak, and it's probably going to be the one, that takes the most commitment out of me. It's all or nothing. I now have 5 papers to write, one thesis to finish and 9 months to make this 'baby' go into labour.

So, now I am just about to cross the line, that signals 'the last lap'. I hesitate - because i'm not sure if i'm ready to give it my all....
I thought I was in the city, still driving and weaving in and out of vehicles and traffic lights...actually, i'm in the middle of the highway - and at the moment, i'm not engaged in the correct gear - i'm not even in cruising speed - the engine is dragging and either i shut out the world and snap out of it, or i'll have to call a tow truck to get me another engine!

April 06, 2009

Mr Avoidance

In my line of work, I meet drastically different people - the upfront, the outspoken, the quiet, the straightforward, the crook, the show-off....the list goes on. But to actually watch a person who totally avoids responsibility and confrontation is disgusting. I agree, we may have tendencies to avoid a confrontation by walking the other way, but when that confrontation is hinging upon one's responsibility, then walking the other way means that we are irresponsible.

If a person is single and accountable only for himself, then fine, be irresponsible, since whatever we choose to ignore will only affect us in the long run and no one else. But if the person has to be responsible for a kid, and then side-steps the confrontation by falling asleep, or feigning illness - then that person has more issues than the average individual in any population.

For the many many unhappy years I have had in my last permanent relationship, I have tolerated not just shortcomings, but irresponsible behavior such as this. If there was an exam and he couldn't pass it, he would pretend to be in a car accident so that he will not just be excused, but he would also throw the focus on another totally different issue. Perhaps, having done that half his life, he felt that he's a master at his craft and that he won't get caught. Unfortunately for him, his MO is too obvious and having executed it inefficiently, he's as good as chopped meat - and I will continue to mince this person until there is nothing left. It's not about taking revenge - it's about what right such people have to live on this planet in the first place.
WE do not need a letter from the public housing department to tell us if we are eligible to buy a flat - WE NEED a psych assessment of people, before allowing them to have kids or to get married.

Mr Avoidance may not be a psycho, but he has the capacity to drive a person to madness, simply because it's difficult to find a close duplicate - people complain about gamblers, alcoholics, workaholics, but that's just a social problem - avoiding issues in our lives doesn't stem from society, but it originates from the individual and his idea of being responsible. Avoidance is not anywhere near being responsible - it's pushing the buck to the next person so that they can spare themselves the trouble. They should be locked up and never see the sun rise again - because they just take up space, on this overcrowded earth.

April 01, 2009

Choices again

I have to make a decision about which way to go, for one module - I could either do it now, classroom style or do it next semester, by placement. The head has given me, this option, just me.

Of course there is pre-requisite before he offered it, and I probably made it, but I'm just not sure about myself. Should I steer away from norm, or just go with the flow?

I would probably do better with a placement, since the Head, knows I hate that subject and since it doesn't require for me to almost re-read a module, he may get more out of my doing a placement than doing class.

Being me, I offered to go to campus for a week or two and do my placement there. BUT after reading the course requirements, it may not be necessary. This option will free me a bit this semester, but as with all things, what we postpone we still have to complete.

And so, I am again at another minor crossroad....which will be my choice.