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December 31, 2008

Finally - the last day of 2008

I'm so glad this day is here - new years eve.
It's a year most would want to forget - although I do not have excess funds to gamble in whatever minibonds that were available, it was the curdled cream that went on to a bad 'cake'.

Although I'm not rigid about feng shui, I do observe some chinese traditions which perhaps calms the psyche. This year was laden with changes and turmoil and I remember the feng shui masters were saying that the rat, being the first year in the chinese calendar will bring about such drama - however, I didn't expect the drama to be in serials!

Tomorrow, is the start of new hope - we are approaching the Ox year in less than 25 days - it's the 'english' new year, which to me, is the transition period until CNY. Transitions can be dramatic too but it's a step away from 2008 and the rat is certainly making it's exit and the OX, it's entrance.

I read that it won't be a spectacular year for me, but manageable - also apparently the first half of the year would be best for me for income generating. To believe or not to believe - well, this 2008 was almost right on the key note - trouble is, it's always easier to look at things in retrospect and then nod our heads and say 'yup' 'yup' instead of looking ahead and doing the same. We cannot possibly be in agreement when dealing with possibilities and not definitives.

Therefore, as I get myself into the mood to say goodbye to 2008 - i'll make careful notes for 2009 - and maybe by the 26th of Jan, I'll be more prepared to deal with the future. My gf asked where I was going to countdown the new year - and I told her, at home, on my bed with my notebook gaming. Her remark was "wow, you're really serious when you say you're a homebird!" - she was doing her damnest to drag me out.

So goodbye 2008, please don't come back again - I have never lost so much of patience - I have never changed my mind in doing business/work so much in a year. Good riddance!

December 29, 2008

Same time a year ago

I just went over my entry a year ago - I seemed to be less stressed but more tired because of the socialising that was going on this season. I spoke about being away this year - guess what, I managed to do just that - I didn't do any christmas visiting this year yet and don't intend to. I take that as me 'being away'. Not bad, I do keep to my plans.

It's probably the quietest christmas season in a long time - and I feel great about it. With the exception of my gf and her daughter who are sharing my space with me, I have not gone to a single other household for festive makan and just stayed by the telly and my online game.

Although I'm not socially handicapped in any way, i'm just not a social animal - when I do hang out, it's never because it's something I enjoy - it's more like 'giving face' to my few but close friends who never forget to make me a meal or bake me a cake. But because they usually pack their homes with people (most I do know) on festive days, I find that too much for me - me whose head is not always screwed on correctly, me, who has lots of issues right now and me, who's pleasantly depressed. For me, slipping in a social function right now is like pushing me toward being manic and a bipolar case when I'm not.

I love work, so I'm glad work occupied me - it keeps me on my toes and away from all this frustration. I'm already thinking about respite in Bangkok after CNY - let's see how things go - it would very much depend upon class schedules and work commitments. I know class will be busy with stats going on and my research too but if things are less chaotic in Bangkok, I'll slip in a trip there.

so, not bad, I got my 'quiet' christmas wish from last year - running about for work doesn't count as being social, so I'll just be happy that I made it almost to the new year, Quietly.

December 28, 2008

the sole silver lining

Christmas came and went - it didn't even cause a dent.
In less than 7 days, it'll be 2009, a new year, hopefully one which will bring with it less turmoil and stress. I remember the Feng Shui people were saying at the start of 2008 that it was the year of the Rat and a new chinese cyclical calendar, which meant lots of changes etc. They were right - the mess didn't just happen to me, it happened to the entire world.

I haven't gone online to see what's predicted for 2009, it may be too early yet for anyone to post anything - but I hope the saying will have some truth, that when we hit rock bottom, the only other way to go is up.

I have no regrets about 2008, but it wasn't a breeze - I made tough calls and my life went by too many crossroads which forced me to make a decision after another. I ended up depressed. I was not one to make decisions without dwelling on it for sometime - but the circumstances didn't permit me to hang on in limbo-land - it caused me stress and when that happened too often, I became a tightly wound spring.

Although I'm constantly looking forward, I'm also wary - I don't think I can survive another year like this one. But there is one silver lining for me, that's almost definate - my post-grad studies will conclude in 2009. I hope it's definate, since i'm halfway done - but again, you never know - things happen and it brings changes. Hopefully, I'll get to the end of 2009 with this silver lining intact and in my hands - after a catastrophic year, emerging with one silver lining on one cloud secured in the palm of my hand is comforting.
Perhaps that's what silver linings are all about - hope and faith.
For without that, there is no christmas, no new year and nothing to wish for or look forward to.

December 27, 2008

The biggest christmas present

Perhaps the most valuable, not biggest, christmas present, this season brought was news that this girl doesn't have to return to the halfway house yet. It wasn't a present for me (obviously) since that meant my space will continue to be shared - but for the girl, it was what she had been waiting for since April this year. Although there wasn't any indication that it was a 'discharge', it was a leap forward. Yesterday, she was due back to the Home.

For everyone who enjoys freedom, freedom to do as you please, freedom to walk where you wish, freedom to have a conversation with whosoever you want - we take it for granted and seldom think about it. But for this child, every scheduled phone call was listened in to, every shower time, scheduled - even meal times. Visits were limited and timed. The irony of it all was, she was there because her parents decided to be selfish and in their exchange of accusations, they forgot that children always end up getting caught and hurt.

Although this is the start of a new chapter for her, it's also the start of a long compromising period for me. It's tough enough to understand a straight-forward teenager - but one laden with issues she never used to have, is no walk in the park. She's also coming in to another home with different house rules, different expectations and basically, no opportunities to come and go like she used to in her own home - simply because I do not practice freedom without limits.

When I told her this good news, she was so happy, I could almost feel her screaming over the phone. It is, the best christmas present for her this year. She was still beaming when I came home yesterday evening - and looking at her face, I knew that all the sacrifices were worth it.

December 24, 2008

there isn't just one way

How does someone accumulate so much of anger and disappointment?

A 13-yr old girl who's at the start of puberty and raging hormones probably would do this in a massive way - but it really isn't healthy. We certainly cannot blame anyone for this, but mother nature. Perhaps in the next evolution of man, mother nature may wish to organise puberty to happen slowly, over a longer period of time for the person who's experiencing it, to cope with the confusion.

But the more confusing part of this problem is when we realise that this affects girls more than boys. Boys tend to be less emotional and less inwardly directed. Girls tend to take everything to heart and be unpleasant. Mother nature needs to achieve a more balanced way to fix this.

This 13-year old is laden with disappointments, but if she doesn't learn how to cope with them, she won't make it in the real world, simply because in the real world everyone is a disappointment, everything is a disappointment. We make do and do what we can. It doesn't mean we don't do our best.

There is no solution for us, if we are going to stagnate - we can only bail ourselves out. 13 is a very impressionable age, yet it's the start of important years - years when we build our strength and find ourselves. To give up and internalise is not the way to go and perhaps that's where parents come in. But not all parents are equipped to deal with it - and those who are equipped may not wish to engage themselves for whatever valid reasons they may have. It's a terrible thing to say, that parents don't wish to engage themselves - but it's true. Sometimes the circumstances are so bad that the parents haven't healed enough to deal with another emotional imbalance - irrespective of whether it's their kid or not. Harsh reality but true.

What society needs are people who have time to help in the healing process - we have ignored the need for real counselors - I'm not talking about those who just put their arms around you when you're balling your eyes out at some tragedy. I'm talking about trained psychologists who operate with a valid book of international ethical standards. This society has grown to be spoon-fed, because we had an educational system that does that for too many years. Kids within that system have become young adults or teenagers who do not think very well - and adding the emotional confusion doesn't make their situation less messy.

How does the educational system get involved?
Well, that is learning isn't it? and if we are drilled to think there only one way, we will be laden with bad news when the real world says, there isn't just one way.

December 23, 2008

Peer Pressure continued

It must be difficult for teens to find their own identity - but just how difficult, is something that seems too far away in my distant memory - I have no basis to figure it out, simply because it's never was something that bothered me so much that I became maladaptive. I remember moments when I wished I was a little more like other girls - who wore party dresses instead of jeans and a shirt - girls who wore make up when I preferred to just go without, not because I didn't want to, I didn't know how to. And although I was different from even my best friend then, I always was still part of the group. Looking back, it could have been because I could hold my own - I was a an athelete, class captain, office bearer for the cca and basically wasn't failing in class.

The whole problem could be that our teens today do not believe in self identity anymore. There may be a need for some kind of membership. If we said that it's because most came from homes with 2 working parents, I would say that cannot be the only reason. If each and every delinquent kid has his own identity, he would know that whatever he choses to participate in had consequences and if the end result clashes with his belief/value system, he would abandon the idea and then realise that his membership has no value.

If we golfed, we would go for a club membership with greens - otherwise it's just a social membership to a kind of club for a distinctive group. If you paid $5 for a membership, you cannot possibly expect a $50000 value in terms of service and facilities - there isn't such a thing.

So kids need to formulate their self identity really quickly - which we know, doesn't happen. How do we help them get around this? I don't think it's about having more lessons on civic and moral education because it obviously isn't working for our kids here. I think it's in being interactive - we need to engage in conversation, let them learn by example and give them confidence in expressing their opinion. If we keep shutting them up, every time they have an idea, we are pushing them away - because their friends would listen.

They need to be heard and their opinions shouldn't be brushed off as childish or silly. If it is, then let's have a friendly debate with them - engage their thinking skills - help them form a value system. Once they have that - you can be sure, peer pressure to them is history.

December 22, 2008

Peer Pressure

I was watching my gf's teen struggling with her personal identity and giving in to peer pressure. I have always wondered why teens these days are not strong enough to stand up and be their own person.

I know there is this school of thought that says - both parents are working and kids are left very much to their own devices - which is only partly true. Traditionally before, mothers stayed home, but it did not mean that they all raised kids with no issues. We still had delinquents albeit in a different area.

I have addressed issues like nose/lip piercings - tatoos - language.
My argument is rather simple.

If nose piercings were the way to go, GOD would have made us all bulls.
If tatoos were the way to go, GOD would have made us pigs or sheep.

Are children these days so desperate for membership that they would break house rules just to belong to another house? Is this the equivalent of a country club membership at their level?

If the country club has it's club house at the void deck and they still want that membership, then what is the message?

I need to think about this and post it another day.

December 19, 2008

Retail Therapy

I have been having long weeks, drama after drama and finally, after a harassing day with anxious owners and their newly acquired apartment, I decided to engage myself in retail therapy. it's called Therapy, because supposedly we feel better after each session - better but definately poorer, especially when we are discussing me. Retail therapy for me runs into the hundreds of dollars, simply because I am not a quantity person, but quality - has been and will always be that way.

Some people spend hundreds on spa therapy - but for me that's expenditure I don't enjoy - partly because I'm not a tactile person - hate people who bump into me or even touch me when in conversation - i'm rather guarded about my personal space. Strange for a female but I couldn't imagine myself any other way.

I know some others who do not have the budget for spas, so they do simple massage or just foot reflex - which is an In-thing these days - but again, it would involve a stranger all over me - too personal for my comfort level - it's not being old-fashioned, it's about hygiene too - i'm a clean freak - so contact with strangers I will minimise aside from the customary handshake.

Sometimes I do wish I could enjoy spas or a massage which everyone else is indulging in, but it's not me and I do not know how to be anyone else except me.

so it's always back to basics for me.
high maintenance, but nothing complicated.
I could do therapy by conversation alone selectively - which is less expensive but it's not an impulse thing, since the people who qualify are far and very few. I would spare my ears the agony of a terrible conversation! Since even that is too difficult to manage, retail it is - no scheduling required.

December 17, 2008

Santa

It's the last weekend before christmas and I'm not even in the mood. Sure, I have been shopping which isn't uncommon for me but not christmas shopping, just shopping - updating stuff. Work has been too much this week - my mobile phone battery just about makes it to 5pm when on regular days it's not even half empty.

I finally got my son his gift this year - tough call, since he's got just about everything he wants. Because I'm not a person who celebrates any festival, he gets stuff all year round and christmas is just not the same anymore, now that Santa doesn't visit the home - he's 15, a bit too old for Santa's toyshop stuff. But the wonderful thing about him is, he will still leave out milk and cookies for Santa, something he's done for so many years - his friends are laughing but well to each his own, because perhaps they never experienced Santa in their lives - my son has and there is this little part of him that believes.

I have come a long way, worked my way just to get to this manageable state and Santa has been kind to me when my son was a toddler. Everything my son wished for, it made it's way under the tree - miraculously - because I wasn't even having a regular income and toys were not cheap. For so many years, my son always had his stockings full and wishes granted - at least if not the first wish, one of the three - contingencies are good.

So, although commercially, we know Santa to be wearing a red suit, bearded and rotound, in 'reality' Santa could actually be an energy which surrounds us all the time, listens to us and grants us our wishes. Too many Christmases have gone by when Santa didn't let me down - and for that, I'm grateful that we have stories, we have experiences and which we translate into hope that perhaps the little things we do for others, return to us in different ways - and for me, it's always been christmas when Santa puts his surprise under the tree for my little boy (who isn't so little now) - why else do you think he is confused about this....because he's experienced it himself.

December 16, 2008

My 15-year old son's Christmas gift to me

This is what I found on my desk when I got home from work today.

Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's "built"
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
Similar to how much cows love to moo
same love I have for you.


If you have to lie, don't worry, for I still love you
If you forgot something for me, don't worry for, I still love you
If you did something bad, don't worry, for I love you still
Even if you're forced to choose a path which saddens me, don't worry, for you'll be in my heart, forever and always - I love you for it
Perhaps, in some situation, you're forced to do things which you do not want to do, but have to, don't worry because I love you for it.
If you're to go on business trips and be further away from me, do not worry, for you know I'm with you at every second, in your heart.
And even if you're not able to get me anything, don't worry, for I always have you.


Now this, I didn't expect - and I will frame this up and place it on the wall - so that I will always remember that bad as 2008 has been, my son is one blessing that made it all worthwhile.

Part One - my son's Christmas gift to me

This is my son's early christmas gift to me - which I found when I came home from work today.

Despite all things which occured this round
To which was troubling when heard by sound
Know that no matter how it's 'built'
take heart and feel no guilt
You tried your best like every year
Impact has been made as seen here
similar to how much cows love to moo,
same love I have for you.

December 14, 2008

Being Firm

I have realised for many years now how my gf, who isn't any different from a majority of parents who give in to their children simply because they do not wish to compete against the other spouse.
This is especially true when marriages have dissolved and custody is being 'shared'.

What parents in such situations do not realise is, the end product, which is this kid they are quarreling over, will grow up without having learnt any discipline. Teens are worse because they would have developed a more secure sense of what is right and wrong and when parents contribute only by giving in, they will never grow up to be people who know how to give others consideration. They will grow up only thinking about themselves - the seedling for selfishness.

So, whilst divorces are rampant - parents should and must remember that no matter how badly their marital relationship has deteriorated, they must at all times 'sing the same song' where their kids are concerned. Thankfully, most kids grow up fine, but there is this increasing number of socially dysfunctional children will become societies dysfunctional adults. We have asked ourselves many times, whenever we come across adults who do not seem to care about anyone else except themselves, how they could live with themselves - but I'm sure we do know the answer - we just prefer to ignore it - because after all, it isn't our problem, is it? That is, it will not be our problem until they 'share' their selfishness with us.

December 12, 2008

Procedures & it's importance

I have been working on a development that has recently received it's Temporary Occupation Permit. The developer is actually at least 8 months ahead of schedule, which means, they are in no way at fault if there is any delay at this point in time, since the sales & purchase agreements state clearly that TOP is not until next year.
There is this buyer, who bought a resale unit - chasing for his keys, citing HUMANITARIAN reasons, because he's got no place to stay. He cries over the phone, tells me his gf is sick and that they are living in the airport. That was in September this year.
This is December and again, because we cannot allow anyone to move in until the final paperwork is done and payments disbursed which every seller will observe - we got accused of being heartless because his gf is sick and he threatened to sue.

I was really cheezed off and I told him that for that reason alone, we need to follow protocol - because people will say one thing and do another. All this time he was telling us that he wants to move in, doesn't matter if the building hasn't obtained TOP, if the building collapses, he won't sue us.

This is the very sad thing about people - they never think before they speak, they are selfish, always keeping the focus on their own needs and they do not bother if they are expecting another person to give in to their demands.
There are other locals who are not like that, but this one bad apple, will spoil the entire basket.l

Procedures are put in place so that it's fair play for all parties.
Sure, there are times when we make side agreements - but we must always think about why they were put there in the first place. For the 99% who will be thankful that someone gave them leeway, there will be that 1% who will never be appreciative because all they know is to take,take and take.

December 10, 2008

Being a Mother

I am in the final stages of working out a care arrangement for my gf's teen.

The saddest part in this entire exercise is the fact that this 13-year old is bearing the brunt of her family's selfishness. I understand that every mother would like to see a broken family reunited in her children, who probably got split up during the divorce process. Unfortunately, sometimes the mother's good intentions get twisted for every other person's benefit except hers.

This predicament my gf is in, is a classic example of this.
She thought it would be a great idea for all the 3 sisters to spend time together.
Because her 17-year old never lived with her and was raised by her ex-husband, she should know she doesn't have control, but nope, she thought that discipline was across the board. One disagreement with this 17-year old got her running to her 'papa' who then instructed this not-thinking girl to drag her 16-year old and 13-year old sister to the nearest police station to file a child abuse case against the mother.

So the 13-year old was removed from the mothers care and control and placed in a home.

I understand her pain, and so I volunteered to foster this 13-year old, with the hope that the case will be resolved and things can get back to normal for the mother. At the same time, I am concerned that as a mother, she will still want to the girls to bond during foster care.

Unfortunately, all visits by both parties need supervision - and this 13-year old cannot be left for either parent to remove for outings, since the state is now responsible for the welfare and safety of the minor - and even when that is transferred to a foster parent, the same will apply.

I am doing my best to make her understand that it's the best way to do things - we don't like to break family bonds, but under the present circumstances, we have to supervise everything.

Any level headed father, would not do this to a child, who doesn't run away, who doesn't pick fights or give disciplinary problems. He used this child to get back at his ex-wife. All the mother wanted was to have her children together for a bit - that isn't too much to ask - yet all he wanted was to take control of all the children - when he cannot even provide for them - he doesn't have a home to his name, but living in his daughter's bf's house.

I would hate to run people down, but this is certainly not how things should be.
No one can begin to understand a mother's pain, but for this reason, I decided to chuck out my first-born, the minute I found out she was talking to my ex-husband. I did it for the welfare of my son. I wasn't prepared to deal with low lifes, who would use products of the defunct marriage to get themselves one notch up their yardstick.

My gf needs to see that whatever that cannot be saved, should be left - and that although it may seem harsh, we need to be harsh to be kind sometimes - and that some people need to learn lessons the hard way - and no matter how difficult it is for mothers, we need to consider what's best for everyone in the circle.
That is the worst thing about being a Mother.
We have to make decisions that are unpopular for the greater benefit.

December 09, 2008

Being helpful even when we know we can't

A friend called me last night in a panic because she found out another friend of hers has been diagnosed with Manic Depression - we know it as bipolar depression. She was going to have her customary high tea with her and needed to know what she will be dealing with and how she could help as a friend.

Her friend is already seeing a private psychologist and on meds.

The great thing about friendship is this, the need to render assistance, where possible - friends do not have to always know how to 'treat' a clinical situation, but just to steer the meeting and conversation so that the patient feels better, not worse about themselves and their situation.

Thankfully, I did a presentation on depression before, during my undergrad years, although it wasn't this type exactly, I do have a pretty good grounding about it. So, all that effort didn't go to waste! My gf was really excited that I could give her a lot of pointers and she felt better about her upcoming tea. I'm glad I could give her an overview in lay terms - and if anything, at least she didn't feel helpless. She was surprised I could actually tell her about her friend - once I knew some background - which also made me feel better about being helpful.

If there is anything I'm good at, it's counseling people in this situation. Perhaps its because I've been there, is there and know what it takes to cope, when all else and everyone else fails. Although it's never advisable to give advice when one is not trained, it's okay to try to know more about it and help another person along. Therapists are as good as their patients would allow them to be and not everyone does it because of passion or ability. This lady has been in therapy for 6 years.

Perhaps if someone from her social network is encouraging, therapy may be able to do it's job properly. So, although my gf is not a therapist, she will be better equipped to handle her friend during an outing that not everyone is judgemental and that it's okay to be sick - we just need to want to get better.

December 08, 2008

Sharing Space

This was a weekend where I had to share my space with my gfs teen. For the many reasons people don't have store rooms, I share the same ones except that I am fortunate to have an extra bedroom which has been converted into my linen room - everything related to linen is kept there, including winter clothes and whatever else that is not in my daily wardrobe.

It's a room with cupboards - multiply sets.

So when I had to reorganise the space, it became torture - the ironing board had to come into my bedroom temporarily with one coat rack. I'm not used to this crampiness.

As a person who treasures space - all of a sudden, I felt constricted.
It had nothing to do with the extra company - she's no trouble at all. It has got everything to do with just how much of free space I am comfortable to work within.

I thought about how people would live in a studio - some 400 sqft - and I knew that I could never survive unless I take drastic measures to throw out 90% of my stuff ! I didn't accumulate 'rubbish' over the years because I throw them out constantly - it's just having neat cupboards set according to what it's storing - and not to have a room cluttered with unwanted things.

My home is very cosy - I have huge furniture and most say it's 'filled'. But sparse isn't my style. I would have a small coffee table for each couch, for practical reasons - I don't believe in having one coffee table for all sitting around to share - sharing space must not mean unpracticality -

At the moment, this is a struggle - I'm not sure if this will work out in terms of sharing my space although I know it will work out for her in terms of having a stable foster home.
I have some time to think this through, thankfully.

December 04, 2008

strange comfort

I had a dream of my best friend who passed away too many years ago. I haven't dreamt of her in years, simply because I thought she had 'crossed over'. It was really strange - in the dream, we were having a meal and a conversation about my personal life. I cannot believe that it was this real.
Although I have good friends, I don't have a best friend like her - one I was actually hanging out with daily...perhaps when in school it was easier to hang out, but still, we were too close.

I'm obviously stressed out - have been like this for months now, but perhaps she felt that I needed to hear it from her. Perhaps I'm actually burning the candle at both ends and in the middle as well. Perhaps, I'm so freakking depressed that it's killing me slowly.
Sure, I'm functional, there won't be a time I am not because my responsibility overrides everything else. I have moments when I'm not functional, like after a day's work and I just feel like vegging out and cannot sleep.

I never got to tell her things I wanted to tell her or worse still, she had something to tell me, which she never got around to, because I was too busy to meet with her.

so perhaps she's comforting me in some way - as a scientist, this sounds stupid, but as a person who does believe in the existence of spirits (for whatever reason), it's strange.

She told me to hang in there and i'll get the comfort that I need.
it's something to think about - because comfort is so foreign to me these days that everyone is getting chewed up - of course there is a valid reason to begin with, but perhaps that's one way of venting.

Perhaps she knew I was lonely and upset and that this cannot go on and that if there is anyone I would take advice from, it would be her.
Whatever the subconscious reason I may have to have her spirit manifest in my interrupted sleep, got me thinking that perhaps, just perhaps, she has been with me all this time, but just wanted me to go on with people who are alive.

December 02, 2008

Extending a real hand to help

Which is more important, a self-identity or an identity that designated by social circles? Dumb question, but you'd be surprised how many are victims of their social circles.

Self-identity
A sense of self that doesn't depend upon what your circle of friends, acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours think. It's a person's trait which makes up the building block of how that person would react, what he would hold important and what is trival.
A person with a strong sense of self-identity, will be able to stand by his views even in the face of a majority with a varying view.

People should accept themselves for who they are - and be happy with what they see.

This attitude destroys friendship, because conversation becomes a quiz, where there is an underlying need to be seen as the more successful.

I met a good friend of mine after loosing touch with her for too many years - and lately she has regressed into this sad state. I have no idea why she has this need to constantly belittle people yet never failing to add that she is a simpleton and then goes on to say that she's not an academic (couldn't even pronounce that word, by the way), yet she has been enlightened because of her travels. She was referring to another person who's in her social group who is a law lecturer.
Then she goes on to say that another chaps daughter had to do a post-grad year because she wanted to get into some Art school in the US but her own daughter could enrol for a Master's programme right away.

I think it's wrong to think that of anyone - people do a post-grad year for many academic reasons - I took the time to explain to her, that especially when a student decides to major in a different field, it will be required - but she prefers to run them down.

The conversation was filled with what a good cook she is, what a delicious cake she baked, what a good mother she is, what a good wife she is.....what she needs is a Shrink.

she has issues and if she would just stop and listen to herself, she would know how she lost track of what life is about. It's really pointless to preach then do the direct opposite.
it's really also pointless to offer help to a drowning man yet when he stretches his hand to be pulled out of the water, you tell him you need to make a phone call and when he drowns, you say, if you cannot swim, why go into the water.

Then instead of beating yourself up for making an unimportant phone call, you decide to make reservations at a classy restaurant for you and your other friends. During the meal, you will tell them how this stupid friend of yours went into the water and drowned and that although you wanted to extend a hand, you didn't because he should have known better and after all, if you didn't make that phone call, there won't be a table for all of you.

I have volunteered to foster my other gf's child. You know what this other friend told me?
"don't forget that it's not your child and if the mother is irresponsible, it shouldn't be your problem"

she knows that at this point in time, I have to do this otherwise the child continues to stay in a shelter.

Are there really people like that?
Yes, you don't even need to look very hard for them.

December 01, 2008

one step forward, three steps back

Finally, we are in December.
The last month of the year.
It's a year punctuated with changes; raw reality; friendship and basically, the real crossroads of my life to-date.

I remember the Feng Shui masters were saying that 2008 is the beginning of a new cycle - well, they are right - there wasn't any facet in my life that didn't change. I have never made this many changes at one go, always preferring to do things bit by bit, for adjustment sake.

Whilst I contemplate the year, I know that I'll never be able to think that I'll not be alone because I know that I will be. There isn't anyone who will be able to consume me in such a way that makes me helpless, or dependable because I have lost trust in people long time ago.

But that's not to say that I'm not happy.
Happy is a state of mind.
Happiness doesn't have anything to do with being alone. People are able to be alone and happy.

There are people out there, many who manipulate and secure their comforts first. My pain, for too many years, is that I bore the brunt of another person's selfishness. Long apologies won't do it.

Remember the movie, the Love Story.
Love is never having to say you're sorry.
I thought about that for many years and could never understand what she meant.
Now I know.
If you really loved a person, you'd never put them in a deliberately painful, hurtful position that you'd need to apologise for.

They would have meant everything to you, that you would rather hurt yourself than them. Saying you didn't know it would hurt them is not Love - because when you love someone, you know what would hurt them.
Saying you didn't know means, you don't care enough to find out.

What's painful about this realisation is :
When you have lost faith in people, relationships, how do we give another person a shot?
It's one step forward, 3 steps back.
Perhaps that's all there is for me, since I don't seem to be able to get past that one step forward that I sometimes hesitate to make, because i'm plagued with so much pain that it does hurt when i breathe.

November 30, 2008

Internet & Teens

I had my gf's daughter for 4 hours yesterday. She has been living like a detainee for 3 months, getting a one hour visit from her mother weekly. No internet access, no handphone - one 3-minute call to her mother each week.
When I brought her home, she went straight for the computer to check her Friendster and Hotmail - then to Youtube. I shouldn't be surprised that a 13 year old is so bogged down by the internet, since that has been a social must for most adults and kids. It's one way of effortless interacting, pseudo or otherwise.

In between her pizza and chicken wings, she was busy clearing her mail - spoke to her mother who is away and I could hear her joking with my son, who is on another computer, gaming.

When it was time to send her back, she reluctantly changed, asked if she could use one of my bags. She didn't wear the same clothes she wore when I picked her up - she used one of my traditional outfits, my bag - brushed her hair, said her goodbyes and we left.

It was painful to watch and worse still to be a part of her 'detention' for a bit longer. But I'm sure it was the best 4 hours she had in 3 months - and her wanting to borrow my stuff meant a lot more than just borrowing. She clutched the rugsack so tightly in the cab and sat very close to me, as if not wanting to let me go. I hugged her tight at the gate and told her that I'll see her Wednesday with her Mushroom Swiss meal.

I may be strict sometimes, but I don't have what it takes to punish kids this way. At least when they are not wayward and are victims of their parents bickering. I don't believe in sparing the rod and spoiling the child either preferring to use reason especially when they are teenagers and if that doesn't work then I will let reality be their check and balances. If they mess up, they will have to pick themselves up and fix it - perhaps it's harsh, but learning things the hard way is sometimes better for them.

Next weekend, she will be with me.
I have no idea how we are going to make it more worthwhile other than having her and my son on their respective computers - which seems to be what teenagers 'live' for. What would we do if the world doesn't have the internet? Would we take more pains to spend quality time? The internet seems to have overtaken our personal space as well. I certainly do not wish to have her online for the entire weekend!

Well, there must be some other ways of spending time, right?
Or is there?

November 28, 2008

Empathy - do we need it?

Empathy is the most talked about issue in social work - if one cannot feel for another person, how would one understand their plight and how does one be effective?



Speaking for myself, who is Empathy-less; it's great if that is part of your personality make-up and it's not damning if it's not. Although many of my ex-colleagues would readily agree that I do not let emotions get in the way of work, they also know that the quality of my delivery is still very much up to standard. I may not express my emotions the way another person does during sessions, but I do not disregard the presence of emotional turmoil the client is feeling - being without empathy is staying firmly outside so that I am able to look in with clarity.



The caseworker from hell, is different - she has total disregard for her clients by exhibiting rudeness and careless attitude, which should not be. It's not empathy that we need to have but some sense of humanity and humility. After all, when dealing with families who clearly have a weak framework, modeling is probably the best way as a first step towards healing. When we externalise our own issues in the presence of a client, it clearly shows that we are wounded and it has gone out of control. If we had been in control, it would never manifest its ugliness.

It's not empathy that we need to effectively work a case - it's a love for human kind that will get us through. Genuine sincerity and concern for the well-being of another soul, is the kindest gesture anyone can share with another - seeking nothing in return. There will be times when such concern is met with scorn, but if we have patience, it will be returned, after all, how long can a person go on being nasty when all they are receiving in return is politeness.

It's not that some people are deserving of kindness, but being kind doesn't mean rude. It means finding the best way to deliver a message - and there are many ways in solving a problem - being kind doesn't mean we have to be evasive about what we are saying, it's being direct without being patronising and it's being honest without being judgemental.

Therefore, I think it's incorrect that Empathy is critical - If I were in a train wreck and a crisis intervention team came up to me and put their arms around me as a consolation, I would turn around and slap her. She probably knows Empathy to be that way, but she doesn't know me, and I am not into hugs and stuff - which may back-fire. I have watched many clips where counselors do that. Perhaps for them it's their way of telling a person they feel for them.

For me, contact is personal and my space is restricted.
Cut the bull and get to the point.
Bottom Line: Empathy is not required - but love for another is.

November 27, 2008

Say what you mean

I was watching an episode of Cashmere Mafia last nite - and it was interesting that it was about men who generally are unable to accept a more successful woman. Men have hang-ups about women who are not helpless and seeking their 'help' whatever it may be.
There may be some truth to it, since my male classmate thinks that way too. We were just having a casual conversation about relationships - the mess he's in etc, and this bit came up. Without paraphrasing, he did say that it may be taken that a woman refused him more than his help when offered. It's funny when all this time, I know that men think women never say what we mean, but taken in this context, apparently, they don't either.
When dealing with a woman, who is a professional by her own merit, often, she means what she says - and by that I'm refuting the myth that women never say what they mean. Forget the male ego - but if a man is unable to cope with a woman who knows what she wants, then does that mean that men can only attend to women who are always in need - the lady in distress syndrome?
So what happens to women who are able to stand on their own two feet, women who speak their minds and mean what they say? Women who generally do not need to be 'fathered'?
I think this is a huge underlying problem in reality because this is the reality. When a woman seeks a good friendship, it doesn't mean she is in dire need of tending to, she may just need some good companionship. Both parties in a relationship need tending to, when the situation calls for it, but it never does mean that she's in more of a need than him. There will be times she may need his tenderness more than he needing hers - but isn't that part of what relationships are all about? The give and take?
I thought this to be interesting because this is happening in the real world.
I know, because I'm a professional and my guy classmate thinks I cope too well which could be rather scary for guys - we are both trained in the same field, and he still has this hang-up - imagine that - we are study mates and maintain a good friendship off and on campus.
And so, where does this leave me?
I have no clue except that this is me and any one who cares enough about me, would be expected to function at the same level yet know that if I really didn't need him, he wouldn't be anywhere within my circle. What I mean to say is: If I didn't need a guy friend, to be my conscience, my buddy, my sanity, then he wouldn't even have had the opportunity to come close - he would be seen as either a rival or someone not worth my personal time.

November 25, 2008

what i got to do, i got to do

When it comes to having patience, I would be one of those who has very little of it.
Time is very precious to me - I learnt this from having to be a juggler of work, mothering, maid, owner to different species of pets and whatever else that comes my way in terms of responsibilities and commitments. Therefore, when I had to wait 7 days for a response from the authority about my gf's 13-year old, that almost cost me a blown fuse. I didn't have patience when I was told at 10am that the person would return my call, so when the return call didn't get to me, I called them at a 2-hourly interval. Finally, my phone rang, this morning, exactly 8 days. They were coming to see me.

I did tell them that no matter how busy, an email would suffice - I needed to know where they were at - if I didn't care enough, I wouldn't bother. I am sure, in that 45 minutes they were in my home, they could sum me up - I didn't mince my words - I was as cut and dry as I come.

I reminded them that as caseworkers, their job was to put the welfare of the child foremost - forget about what the parents were doing to each other - the child needs to come first and that we were not required to take sides or even form an impression. People need to be reminded, simply because when they read a file, they think oh, what a screwed up person etc etc., which is really uncalled for. No one, deserves such judgement - unless you are the injured party - onlookers should just be aware of the facts and work for the best solution for the child -

They seem to have digested my email well, having remembered where I last worked in their industry. They seem impressed and I'm not embarassed to say that they should be. I may be really empathy-less and cut n dry at work, but most times, when dealing in social services, that is required. Why bother about crying with the client if we cannot provide a workable solution. Why bother to get all emotional when they are in dire straits because someone has to be able to think straight and it ain't going to be the client.

I don't know what I am getting myself into - all I know that, it's what I got to do.
I cannot leave this kid there.

November 24, 2008

divorces

It must be the year for divorces - by that I do not mean just marital - I have had clients who have 'divorced' their parent, their job, their matrimonial home i.e living separately and those who actually divorced their spouses, including myself. This morning, I met another client, who has filed for divorce and is disposing their matrimonial home.

Perhaps it's not a year for 'divorces' but one of a fresh start.

It's really strange, but perhaps because my situation is similar, I tend to be more attentive and hence noticing the trend is not surprising. Perhaps marriage is really not necessary because if I actually went through my contact list, I'll be able to find many who have at least filed for divorce once and is actually in a 2nd marriage, or still single.

For the many reasons that people cite to get the divorce, the most common would be irreconciliable differences - in lay terms, it means they have grown apart, which happens to the best of couples simply because although people do not change, our expectations will change over time as the dynamics changes. When that happens, our coping mechanisms are stretched and again, if we feel that its too much of a compromise, then we decide to throw in the towel - if we feel that we are ok to stretch our patience and keep the peace, then we do.

Therefore, whether we actually decide on a new course of life for ourselves, would depend upon what we hold to be most important. Some do really great and make-do. Some others like myself, are just not prepared to make-do and prefer a life on our own, which isn't a bad thing, if you're seriously independent and frankly, what else can a marriage offer besides compromise after compromise.

I am not speaking because I am jaded about marriage. I am not. I have come to terms with who I am. I have gfs who are unhappily married yet hang in there for years - I respect that decision. I was once there, hanging on until I felt that the time was correct i.e. the changes will affect a least number of people who are connected to this marriage. So although I hung on, I had a mental deadline - and when the deadline was crossed, everything just got set into motion.

It's not that marriages are bad, it's just bad for some people.

November 23, 2008

eyes on the ball

We have a bit more than a month to 2009.
Interesting thought - although we all do not know what the future holds for us, we still manage to get by, year after year ; surprises after surprises.
For the many years that have passed, this will be one year I probably will remember the most, because I finally got back on track, my original track in my goals.

I know that at least one of my gf has summed up this year as the worst in her life - she's been through 3 marriages in 46 years. Sometimes I think its a bad year, sometimes I think it's so-so; but all in all, I think it's important note that this would be the year I actually started my post-grad programme which is now halfway there, considering, I have enrolled twice before and never got it going because of work commitments.

When the morning comes, it's time to dress the tree, to begin my christmas reflection. Every year I talk about nostalgia, yes, it's december approaching. It's stock-taking time. It's a time to remember life and what it means to be living. To thank GOD, for the graces that he has given us, to remember that there is so much of suffering in this world so that we are appreciative of having our little luxuries.

And so the countdown begins with my looking back. This probably is the only time in each year that I look back, really look because once we hit December 31st, our eyes should be peeled forward to keep our focus - someone told me before - keep your eyes on the ball and don't loose sight of it.

November 21, 2008

we do not read minds

Of the many things that bother me, the most bothersome is when I realise that someone I know fails terribly in the sincerity department. I consider myself pretty good at summing up a person - I'm seldom wrong about people. I do not judge a person when they fall short of some trait made popular by society - because I have my own set of scales. You cannot have every person on this planet, a photocopy of the next person - we need variety and mix, just so the world is colourful - it was meant to be like this. We take the good and the bad and we decide whether we can live with it. I'm fine with that, until that person becomes judgemental of others - that to me, is the ultimate sin.

This year alone - there had been 2 occasions when friends, who are discussing other people in our 'social circle', make references to some character of the person in question AND adds this statement : "I'm not a psychologist, yet I know that".
Question : Why must people say things like that?
Question : Why do people think psychologists read minds?

That is the poorest misconception about my profession which has existed for donkey years! I have been trained in this field, but certainly, no module ever covered HOW TO READ MINDS!

And why must they belittle themselves - thinking like a professional at work, that is telling me something about them - which they volunteered, yet if they got wind that I know their hang up, it's because I'm reading their mind! *duh!

Sometimes I think people think that we think that we are the cream of the graduating crop. Well, there is some truth to that, because this is not an easy field of work at all - because it has to do with abstracts and unknowns - it's not as specific as being a math major or an econs major - we deal with people and we heal people like doctors only our healing is with their mental state and doctors treat the somatic symptoms. I have not met a snobbish psychology major, we are all very friendly people - just misunderstood by the people who do not know about our profession.

A close friend told me this when she was talking about another gf of mine, disagreeing with how this gf is handling her bad situation with her kids.
I didn't want to get into an argument, so I simply brushed her off with a one liner
"I don't judge her, I accept her for who and what she represents. I've known her for too many years like you, and I have come to terms with her ways".

When we decide to share a friendship, especially with the few who have somehow touched our lives, we take them wholesale - lock, stock and barrel - good and the bad - that's friendship - it sees no boundaries and it offers a helping hand - even if that means going out on a limb. When we extend a helping hand, we expect nothing in return - that is friendship. When we have expectations of receiving some returns, then that's business.

It was at the tip of my tongue to tell her off, but because I also have known this close friend for too many years, I stopped. This rule applies to her as well.

I'm not perfect - I just accept people for WHO they are and I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm sure they accept my acid tongue sometimes and my lack of empathy all the time. But I felt sad, because I expected more from this close friend simply because it's sad to see how people guard their comfort so carefully that they forget to actually feel and think.

I know she's upset that I'm offering to foster my gf's kid - but that's my decision and I am compromising my comfort to accommodate this child - my sacrifice - not hers.
This childs mother needs my help and I have offered willingly. I have done it before for her other kid and I'm doing this for this kid too. I don't care if I have to cancel my australian holiday because I have an additional responsibility, because an australian holiday isn't going to mean I made it in life.
I would have made it in life, if I know I have done the right thing at the right time for the right person, in this case it's for a 13 year old kid, who used to camp in my home during the holidays, from the time she was a toddler. She needs me now, and so does her mother. My close friend expects me to just comfort her and walk away.

If that was me, I think I would rather just od on prozac.
Perhaps this problem came at the correct time - I'm so pre-occupied making this girl feel right that for now, I have put my own depression aside, because this child needs to be mended and she hugged me so tightly with tears rolling down her cheeks that her needs has to come before mine.

Someone told me that I'm made of 'sterner' stuff - he's right - and because I am, being clinically depressed is something I can switch off - it's gone onto the back burner - not really possible for regular people - but I draw my strength from that and hence my survival in one physically abusive and one loveless marriage. that, is another story

Sony CyberShot cell phone

This year would have to be the year, when I took the longest time ever to upgrade my phone. Because I'm not that kind of a mobile phone savvy sort, my yearly upgrade is just to utilise the free voucher - the great thing about this is, I hardly use my phone for more than 24 mths - so the phone hardly has time to start giving battery problems. It's an inexpensive way to not be inconvenienced - my upgrades are usually free (of course) and I get to use the latest phone (almost).
This time around, I had to change phone maker type - Motorola to Sony Ericsson - not by choice, by more because Motorola didn't have anything that expensive to cover the voucher. Sony has just launched their CyberShot phone and I got one. I didn't get the one with the keyboard coz I really don't need all the functions - preferring to just use a phone for just that. I dumped my Palm coz after using it for a year, I decided that a paper diary functions better for my kind of work - where I need to find information/mtgs/dates very quickly and it could back-date a couple of mths, without me knowing which exact month. And so, I am now using this phone - which is very different - I must say it does feel easier to use -yet because the function keys are still not set the same as the Motorola, composing an sms text message is still slower. I used Sony many years ago, and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
I have found other functions and for once, I managed to transfer files etc by myself, instead of relying on the service provider to do it for me - they are really great in that, they accommodate my insufficient knowledge to successfully do it by myself.
I have no idea what this phone does, I just know it has a huge memory card and some 8 megapixels on its camera. I haven't read the manual yet, but will come around to it once I find the new functions.
Will start to use the camera on the phone to see just how easy downloading will be and if the photo quality is great.

November 20, 2008

dual color for the tree


I have finally decided to forget about blue lights - I thought yellow lights would break the monotony. It's prettier like this, not so boring.
Anyways, let's see if I'll change my mind again - will let it sit for a couple of days and once I decide, I'll finish dressing up the tree. Perhaps then, I'll feel better.
So far, the cats haven't climbed the tree yet - all other years before, they were very busy late at night re-decorating the tree.
I''m not sure what's going on top of the tree - it's usually star, but well, i may want to look for something different. Let's see what I come up with since i still have time, it's not even december yet....I've never taken this long to do a tree - it's usually done like at one go....but well, change is sometimes good. At least I would like to think so. And because I have tons of other chores to get done, this is the least stressful way. If I could only just not have this compulsion to keep moving furniture around, I think housework will be manageable. But old habits die hard - and it's just one of those things I do as therapy, when I have not decided to haul out the paint brushes - which is definately a lot more work. I wouldn't rule it out, but lets see what happens.
I haven't painted any walls this year and it's been the worst year in terms of stress, which means I'm still coping. My last resort for anything is to paint. It could also be it's because I'm quite tied up with work which doesn't leave me with much time to actually go get cans of paint. It might change once I'm done with the last project before the close of the year...so let's see.
I do have some idea which wall needs to be repainted - it's just when the stress is going to hit me and painting is the only thing that would fix my mind.

November 19, 2008

to kill a mocking bird

There are times when I wish the world was made up of people who could actually put themselves in another's shoes, walk around in them, before coming to any conclusions. I did the book TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD when I was in secondary 3 for lit., and till today, the book is serving it's 'social purpose', by adding the lessons to my value system.

I think when we decide to comment, we should and must always think before engaging our mouths. I have always maintained that, whatever we say can never be retracted once it's said - and whatever non-verbal cues we choose to adopt would be very telling and can be hurtful.

Yes, I'm still fixated at the caseworkers attitude towards my gf. Yes, I have gone with her to the authority on Child Protection, spoken to them and they have obviously spoken to this caseworker and she was definately less hostile towards me than she is towards my gf, who is the mother of the child in question.

Is everything about face value?
It should not be.
Just because I am a professional doesn't mean it gives her the right to treat me with more respect than my gf who is just a housewife who is being falsely accused.

This society is so dysfunctional that it disgusts me.
It should not be part of my stress, but it is because society is part of our environment and to have to adapt to such lame behaviour day in day out is really tiring. For this reason, I do not socialise too much, because I tend to pick these things out really quickly - it's like oozing out from their pores. No matter what they do to hide their inability to see a person wholly, I will pick it up. It's not just my professional training that enables me to do this accurately - it's my having spent a greater part of my life, just observing people and making notes. The field of psychology merely helps me understand how messed up they are and I would decide then if I would take them to task, walk away or just ignore it.

I'm not perfect and I make that clear from the outset. All my close friends know that I will readily admit to whatever shortfalls that I have in traits. For example, I have no patience and I certainly will not tolerate a lie, no matter how small. I am not subservient and when I state my opinions, it's a done deal, no negotiations - where accommodating a behaviour. But I do not say or do what I am not. It makes me a much colder person, but at least I do not behave 'on pretext'.

I wish this caseworker would take leave from her job. She needs to work in the accounts department where things are more clear cut. Dealing with kids is certainly not her strength and having said that, she should not even work with people in need. She has to first get past her own limitations before she is able to manage a file well. I am on this issue and I will not let go until I set the record straight. Yes, it's almost a literal translation ; she's mocking my gf and i'm going to 'kill' her - forget about the moral of the story, i'm going to behave like her - face value.

November 17, 2008

First Steps to Christmas

This is the first part of the Christmas season for me - lights first. I'm not really done yet - need another roll of lights since i've decided on keeping it to just one colour type this year - blue. Nothing to do with Blue Christmas, just that this year I'm all for standardisation. Must be the madness surrounding me that has caused this dire need in me for some order.

It's not a great picture, but then, i'll post more as I move along to the finish line.

Actually, my favourite colour is red, but blue is calmer and perhaps that is also why I have decided on this theme for a year filled with volatility.

Sometimes I wonder why we all bother to put up the tree, spend hours working on it only to take it down right after the new year. But I suppose, when you have a christmas tree all lit up and you come home, you will be reminded that the new year is approaching and with that comes new hope and a renewed faith in the fact that GOD loves each and every one of us equally, although it doesn't always seem that way. The fact that we celebrate the birth of the Son of God, means there is hope for a better tomorrow for everyone. Let us remember that as we soak in the peace that comes with this christmas vision, there are many more children and people in the world who do not have this luxury or half this comfort that we have. Children who can only gaze at the stars overhead with no wrapped presents or warmth to remind them that they matter too. People who watch their children die of hunger and thirst.
We have a lot to be thankful for and we should be, if not for 11 months of the year, let's make December a month to remember others. The little we can do for another is a lot for them. If everyone made a small effort to remember, we will arrive at the point where everyone would have an equal chance at a decent life. Forget the commercial christmas of expensive presents - this year, give a gift from your heart. The value is not in the price tag, it's in the thought. Cliche, nope, it's the honest truth.

In your darkest moment, a Chanel bag isn't going to comfort you, but someone's guiding hand would. think about it.

November 16, 2008

Colossal Mess

Colossal Mess - probably got to this state from mess that's either accumulated or just a state where it rained mess and left this huge lump.

We can be the best managers, but when the colossal mess is a result of the latter, then we need to react real quick by putting on our efficiency hat. Fortunately, my life experiences have allowed me to multi-task everything - I have never had the luxury of a straightforward situation, whether it's work-related or not. The upside to this is, I usually find solutions real quick - think on my feet type - but the downside is, the damage it would have cost me would sometimes be quite severe - mental faculties are tightly wound up all the time.

Still, I consider myself rather fortunate - that my mental cupboards with neat little boxes are neat always. It's tiring but it's best to keep things in good mental order - so that at least when I am near a mental breakdown, it'll happen in the correct order and not random. If I know the order, I can get to it before it gets out of hand. I'm sure that makes a lot of sense.

I have been loosing sleep because of this colossal mess, but as with everything, there is an opportunity cost - mine is sleep - a busy mind cannot unwind as quickly as an idle mind. Unfortunately, I am allergic to alcohol, therefore I am not able, ever, to numb my senses. Caffeine does nothing helpful as it keeps me awake - I know that some research says that it doesn't, but whatever works for the majority, doesn't always work for me.

All I can do is take baby steps and counter the unpleasant surprises as they surface and hope for the best - that along the way, bit by bit, each situation will be solved for my counselees and friends who have come to me for informal therapy. Hopefully, with them secured and functional, my life will get back to normal.

To end on a spiritual note, I would say that if I couldn't handle it, it wouldn't have landed on my lap because GOD won't do that to me, correct? I sure hope so otherwise, I would have to go trawl for His email address.

November 15, 2008

Do I have a christmas tradition?

Restlessness is a state of mind. In my case, it's not from having a lack of things to do, but to get everything on the correct priority. This binge eating isn't helping me at all - anyone looking at me wouldn't think I have been loading up with high calorie food - i'm burning up more than chocolates or ice-cream can cope. I have also added cheesecake to the list - which is something I would never pass up no matter what. So, with a feeding menu like this, it's a nutritionists nightmare, but who the hell cares, since that's not my major area of training.

I have taken the christmas tree out the box. It's customary for me to just put it up for a day, before the lights and decorations are hung. It's not some christmas tradition, just that I'm fickle minded about where it should stand - it's never in the same corner because my furniture would have moved too many times over the year leaving different vacant spaces for the tree.

Besides that, no I do not observe any tradition that's related to the season of Advent. Christmas to me is very personal - it's a time for reflection and a time for giving, not necessarily in a material sense. This christmas season, I am going to give my neighbours 10 year old the beginner's lessons on playing the piano. She did ask me, since we've been neighbours for 7 years, but because it's christmas, I'm prepared to do it for free - the child will have a lifelong gift and that to me is what christmas is about. We will eventually perish and at least if I am not able to leave behind a legacy, I could leave behind a gift that would be with that child for the rest of her life. Doesn't matter if who she is, the idea is, she came to me and i'm in a position to provide her that knowledge which she would otherwise have to pay to receive.

I have asked nothing in return, except for them to reciprocate by providing religious lessons for my gf's daughter, who may come to live with me. They have agreed, thankfully, because I'm not a muslim and there is no way I could provide that guidance for this child - so I did pass up on collecting fees for religious education for another child - doesn't make me feel any better psychologically, but if it makes the two girls feel better about themselves, then I did something right for someone.

This is my christmas tradition, and one which lasts throughout the year.
do what you can now because you are able to - and whatever little we contribute, it will come back to us in many other ways. When we make new year resolutions, it's part of the christmas tradition, we keep that for a whole year and we take stock of that, 11mths afterwards, before christmas comes around again.
This is what christmas means to me, have always meant to me and will always mean to me.

For those who do not understand why I am the way I am, they will never understand.
There was no certain point in my life when I decided that christmas should never be about whether we receive a neat little box. I grew up with that idea, from the first time I saw the Nativity set, which must have been too many years ago.

There wasn't a cellini bed or philip stark lamp on that set - christmas began with simplicity and it should be kept that way so that we do not loose track of how the simplest gift is usually the most valuable of them all.

I may not be the best person to explain theology, but I know that a little kindness goes a long way for everyone. In a world where there is so much of pride and hostility - christmas decorations and lights, christmas carols in the malls should remind us that Christmas is not about us but about the next person who needs some light in their otherwise dark world. We should put the twinkle back into another person's eyes, if only for that one day.
That would be the best christmas gift for anyone.

It's not about compensating behaviors, it's about giving.

If your jobs' not cut out for you - please go

When your job becomes just a job, then it's time to move on.
This is especially true in the social services sector when the welfare of another human is hanging on the balance. It doesn't matter if the person in context is aged sick, teenager, child, or adult. Social services = welfare which doesn't mean half-baked solutions.

Assuming all caseworkers employed within the system here are sufficiently qualified by international standards, then they should know that it's UNETHICAL to continue working on the job, managing files when they are unable to not break the codes. There is no excuse.

After 4 straight years in social services, I took a sabbatical. It's been 7 years, almost. I couldn't cope with patients dying, patients who are fine today but checked into the eternal hotel the next. I decided to use that time in another industry, put aside money to do post-graduate studies, so that I will return better equipped academically and mentally. I targeted for a 5-year break, but I'm delayed, so what, I'm back on track and I didn't break any professional ethical codes.

Today I met one such caseworker, who apparently has been on the job for 2 years with no social graces, common courtesy and knowledge of what supervision is about. I chewed her up and spat out the bones. Why are we spending good money to pay these people if they do not respect their work? This caseworker is dealing with teenagers and if she is not able to expose them to the correct behaviour, then it's no better than putting a robot there to mind them.

I am really disgusted and perhaps that's why I stayed on, in the business world longer than I imagined I could. I will go back to do my thing with my training, but never, never with these bunch of clowns. Clowns because it's laughable that they have been tasked to manage a file, which means, laying some kind of foundation for that child or the general family's betterment as a whole, yet they themselves are unable to be an average role model.

It's pointless to talk about best practices when there is this obvious service gap, which has nothing to do with giving food rations. Why strive to build a progressive society if we do not care for another human. We do not have to be oozing with empathy but at least take some interest in the file one manages and be concerned enough that it's not a number on the file, but the future of the child or person that we are dealing with.

We need some major overhaul here.
I'm not about to sit pretty here and pretend it didn't happen. Nope. I am going to get busy sending emails until I get a satisfactory response.

It may not be my child who's there, but it's another family's kid and that must matter - I may not be the best parent but I am sure, my commitment to my responsibilities are serious enough for me to never muck around someone's head just because I felt like it.
If you cannot do a good job working with kids, then DON'T.
This is not about a typical organisation where you drag yourself to work and wait for 6pm.
This is about someone's life.
This is about modelling.
This is about setting a good example.
This is about serving the community, never about boosting your ego.

November 14, 2008

conversational pieces

It never rains, but pours.

Whether that makes sense or not would depend very much on the orientation of our view.
People who take incidences in their stride would view it differently from people who are solution providers.
People who believe in the greater good, always believe that when a problem surfaces, there is a bigger positive picture as opposed to people who cannot see past the situation.
People who are altruistic sees the presenting problem as an opportunity to render help as opposed to people who indulge in the story for conversations sake.

There is no correct or incorrect way to respond in a tight situation.
But how we choose to respond is very telling on where we stand with ourselves.

My friends know that my plate is full, very full, hasn't been this overloaded and it doesn't seem to be clearing because whatevers going on, takes time for it to be cleared.
Short of getting a larger dinner plate, I am managing with whatever space I have been allocated, dumping food over food if necessary, as long as i still have every food item in partial view. To me that's efficient use of space. To another person, friend it may be overloading.

But that's me and a facet of me which is personal.
I do not have a save the world slogan pasted across my forehead, but I believe that if a person can render help, why not? A person would not offer assistance if he's safeguarding himself from the unknown.

In my life, I have seldom turned away anyone who came to me for help, if the little i can contribute would bring some comfort. I do not have a bottomless bank account, neither do I have a fixed salary each month, but I believe that when we want to help, it should never be with any conditions.

Why am I posting this?
Because I am about to take on the responsibility for my gf's 13-year old child.
A child who has lived with me sometimes over the years during school holidays.
A child whom I have given academic assistance and piano lessons from the time she was 5.
A child who knows me as her step-mom when her mother is not around.

I am upset that another gf felt that my plate was too full to make space for this child, without giving me an alternative solution. She is entitled to her opinion, but then what's the point of having an opinion if one doesn't have an alternative solution? I would have appreciated it very much, had she told me that she will understand and support my decision as a close friend.
To make it worse, she thought that i am giving this consideration, because I decided to throw out my own first born. That was uncalled for and really not it.

I have sinced moved on and everyone knows that to be a fact - much as my first born wants to communicate with me after 4 years, I have opted to honour my last words to her : Leave and do not return. I do not say what I do not mean and if I were so desperate to compensate, I would have replied to the text message plea for forgiveness.

Bottom Line:
When a person comes to you with a problem, he's asking for help.
Do not show interest only because it's the polite thing to do or that you need a new piece for conversation in your next social gathering.

November 13, 2008

Stepping into December




I just started on the foundation for the season - mainly the christmas wreath, which was hand-made from scratch and improved over the years, just so it means something to me and my little christmas tree, which has decorated many reception tables at project site offices.
Imagine that, a roving christmas tree..well, it's been with me too many years for me to want to dump it - the sentimental value it brings with it, simply because it was the first little tree I got ever, with what I could afford in terms of space. Too many years - it's a reminder for me, that life can be this simple and even when it becomes too complicated, this is where I started and this is what christmas is all about. It's my annual reality clock - stops me dead everytime I take it out from my christmas box.
I don't know how other people feel when they start preparing for christmas, but mine begins with tears and Kenny Rogers' Greatest Gift of All. I never, ever, start on christmas without this song. I will probably upload it tomorrow. I'm so consumed by the lyrics that I even play that on the piano this season, only this season. I'm going to just type out the lyrics for now...
Dawn is slowing breaking
Our friends have all gone home
You and I are waiting
For santa claus to come
There's a present by the tree
Stockings on the wall
Knowing you're in love with me
is the Greatest Gift of All.
The fire is slowly fading
Chill is in the air
All the gifts are waiting
For children everywhere
Through the window I can see
Snow begins to fall
Knowing you're in love with me
is the Greatest Gift of All
Just before I go to sleep
I hear a church bell ring'
Merry christmas everyone
It's the song it sings
So I say a silent prayer
For creatures great and small
Peace on earth Goodwill to Men
is the Greatest Gift of All.



Is it meant to be?

Sometimes we decide on some course of action and then realise it was lucky or unfortunate that we took that decision. Not all decisions we make are necessarily correct but we end up having to deal with the consequences.

Recently, I got back in touch with a close friend, was feeling really great about it, spending time with her, just to catch up. Yesterday, I found out that her ex-husband alleged some terrible things about her and her youngest daughter has now been removed from her custody, pending the outcome of the investigation. Trouble with this gf of mine is, she tries to manage without having to bother anyone, but between the McSpicy and Cheesecake, I found out. She was asked for a neutral party to mind the kid, but since she didn't have my phone number, she cdn't call me. It sounds silly, because she could have come over - but knowing my work schedules, I figured she rather not show up unless she made that call.

All friendships have protocols. We do not crash at a persons home unannounced, but in times of emergency, that should be excused, isn't it? But because she respected privacy, which is silly under these circumstances, the child is now living at a welfare home.

She finally asked if I would take on the responsibility of the child temporarily.
I couldn't say no, because her youngest is 13 and really does not need to be exposed in an environment so alien to her. I have more than enough on my plate, but for now, the childs well being is priority. As with all custody battles, it's long drawn and I cannot imagine leaving the kid there until the whole thing blows over, which could take months.

Was it meant to be that I was prompted to call her?
Perhaps.
We could never understand why some things happen, but let's stay focused on setting things right. I really do not need to mother a 13 year old now, but I don't see any other solution on the horizon.

November 12, 2008

christmas clock

Time is something we all have, yet it never provides the same anxiety and varies from person to person. I used to have a desk calendar, but don't have one now, since I don't have a full-time job where I need to report for work from 9 - 6 pm and they give me a desk for the salary that they pay me each month. So, for me these days, time flies faster than I can catch up with.

The shopping malls have been gaily decorated with christmas baubles and lights - and my time-date stamp in my head stopped on 3 Nov, because that was the last alarm set for my exams. Although I have a deadline today, the 12th and next week, the 18th, it's not as alarming as exams, therefore, the 2 other time-date stamp is on snooze. I know that because my classmate just sent me a text message to remind me of our deadline today. So, all the colourful decorations didn't do anything for me, I didn't move with time. Today IS THE 12th, almost midway to November and almost 5 weeks to christmas. That's fast. Too fast.

I remember thinking that the first 6 months in a year drags like the year will never end, and then after June, it's like having the F1 race to December.

I need to fast forward my clock. I'm so retained at the 3rd that it's annoying. So I got to thinking about christmas - what's going to happen now? do i still arrange the customary dinner or even bother with the tree? My son told me something interesting when I asked him. He reminded me that Christmas is for Jesus, so mommy, please put up the tree, and I will help you.

Between making pasta sauce and my assignment, I decided to put up the tree after next week - as for dinner on christmas eve, well, perhaps not - I'll probably just bake a couple of stuff and manage it from there. I told my son that he has grown too much for commercial christmas and I would like it to be quiet - he's not complaining.

I know that once the tree goes up, it means 2009 is around the corner. I haven't done my yearly debrief and will get on to that soon enough. The up-side is, this time next year, I would have completed what I set out to do 7 years ago - not one task but two, which should be an achievement but it wasn't easy getting to the target. I would rather focus on next years christmas clock, since that would really mean I could put a tick against these two items.

For all the grey skies that clouded my year, there were pretty linings in silver of the sun beyond. This year will be another huge crossroad junction to be mapped in the journey of my life.
Christmas clock, tick tock. Take out the tree, hang up the socks.

November 11, 2008

Best Friends in hell or high water

After 3 years, I got in touch with my gf again, someone I have known for like 15 years. It's just me, always getting caught up with work and over the past 15 years, we have lost contact on two occasions, including this last fiasco. I wouldn't have called her coz I always thought that if my close friends were in need of tending, they will call me, regardless. What I didn't bargain for was that in the age of mobile technology, no one bothers to memorise phone numbers and if the cell phone was misplaced, so were all the contact details. This is what happened to her - she lost her cell phone 3 years ago and was waiting for me to call her.

I called her simply because someone I care greatly for, asked about her, some weeks ago, and my reply was that I didn't know where or what she's up to. He didn't say much to my answer but that alone got me thinking and when I did have time to at least make a decent social call, I scrolled to her phone number. If he didn't ask me, I wouldn't have bothered, seriously, because this gf of mine is like that, free n easy and manages whatever the situation dishes out to her.

We met for tea yesterday and it's really great to see her. She's obviously not doing very well because her ex-husband decided to load more crap on her and the custody of the kids. Their case is pending at Family Court - same ole accusations. Her daughter has been asking about me, naturally, since I was their second line care-giver. She will bring the girls over this school hols.

In my life, I have 3 very, very close girlfriends who know me too well because our relationship spanned over broken marriages and relationships from like some 20-odd years ago.
Perhaps my having lost my best friend (in a car accident) when I was in my 20s, did something to me - that I'm so afraid to have best friends I grow attached to, for my emotional sanity.

So I now have all of them where they have always been - and hopefully, we won't loose touch again. It's important to keep in touch with people who are meaningful to us and it's important to take the trouble to care. I would have lost this one through sheer habit of me, not making a phone call - it's always been that my friends call on me for social meets, not the other way around. I'm dysfunctional by experience, but they understand because they know the causal factors and so I'm always forgiven. Not a good reason to continue being like this, but I have not healed yet.

I know I need to thank him because if not for his question, I would still be wondering what happened to this woman. We don't need many friends, we just need the few who stay with us through hell and high water.

November 10, 2008

Sleepless

Another symptom just surfaced - sleeplessness.

It's tough when there is a full schedule of work and you cannot fall asleep. It's not about the overworked mind, but more of restlessness.
Comfort food is still on the menu, very much so.

I used to paint for therapy - but lately, because work takes me outdoors too, I have shelved the idea temporarily. I would paint to ease the stress if I were sure I would be indoors long enough. Perhaps I shall try that after I finish my assignment - and all my weeks' appointments.

People do well with bare minimum sleep according to their body clock - it's not a dire situation, just tricky, since one wakes up feeling like a ton of bricks just baked in your brains. Caffeine does the job but it would take larger amounts before the entire body wakes up.

I do have external work today and well, make-up does wonders.
I know that we should not try to go to bed on a full stomach but all things considered, comforting my mental state is more critical than thinking about the hours of sleep I would loose.

November 09, 2008

undergrad vs postgrad

The worst thing that can happen to a student is, to assume something about an assignment that isn't quite correct.
For weeks, we have all (classmates and me) been casually discussing our proposal, which is way overdue. This isn't critical because the later you submit for approval, the later you start, that's all. And because we are all last-minutes monsters, we tend to drag our feet.

Having said that, and having had numerous discussions and one serious planning session - I got down to the proposal proper yesterday and decided to (as usual) open the outline and guide as a reference. Late means, no mistakes permitted in terms of delivery.

To my horror, this proposal didn't mean we do a skeleton with some meat on the bones. It meant the same length as any written assignment with probably the same number of references. See, we all need to get past this idea that we are undergrads - we don't seem to be able to move forward and look at stuff from that standpoint. Perhaps, that's why we don't seem to be able to get away doing flippant work.

On top of this, the other deadline is not fully done, it's 3/4 done, not fully - so I haven't been lazing about but actually working my butt off - it takes forever to deliver an online academic answer, because once you submit it, it's submitted, you cannot take it back.

Now I realise where the problem is : I still think I'm an undergrad - I still think I can get away with last minute readings and work - 2 semesters and I should know that I cannot get away and I should be more committed to getting the grades that I need.

It's a nightmare to finally come to grips with this, because next semester our huge research begins with a module in stats - not the best thing to wake up to, but it's definately better than to still be in dreamland. I know I have had to juggle lots this entire year, but academically, it's still not reason enough for me a reason.

Just a thought : If postgrad is so much more demanding, why are they charging us huge fees! after all, we are putting in all the freakking mind power just to get going with the first para.....

November 07, 2008

comfort food

Ice cream and chocolate, the cliche comfort food.
Since our deadlines are not over yet, my classmate and I decided to do what good students do, meet and discuss our next paper, work on it and meet again on another day with the work done. We are so behind that we should be shot.

Stress does many strange things to people - I know full well what chocolates do to me, unless it's dark chocolates, yet we all indulged at Haagen Das, chocolate ice-cream with chocolate topping galore, after a full bowl of laksa. If that's not an indication of stress, I don't know what is. I woke up this morning with a huge headache and work still incomplete. I know I'm stressed out because usually, one order of ice-cream is just too much for one person - but i emptied the tall glass all by myself and my classmate added an ice latte to his order of ice cream too!

How does chocolate become comfort food for me if i wake up with a headache? I really wonder.
It's probably the good feel that comes from the consumption of chocolates. We felt great - got over the skeleton of our assignment - even counseled each other since we are both depressed, having assessed each other last semester. As a guy, he's managing his state a little better although he's becoming a little more neurotic in his actions and verbalisation. After 4 hours, he decided that I'm a good case worker and the conversation shifted to why it's an area I detested. Comfort food does that to us - because we never really spoke seriously about our major fields of work or what we are really good at - if anything, it got us onto the 'business' at hand - which is our field of expertise - without deciding on that, we would all be running around in circles, submitting half-baked pieces of work.

Thankfully, my blood pressure levels are never high - so downing calories has never been an issue for me. Perhaps next time we have a thrashing session, I should opt for dark chocolates only...but then, would that comfort me enough?

November 06, 2008

ethics?

What do we do when someone we know is in distress?
As good friends, we try to walk them through their situation and listen to what's bugging them. As good friends, we drop everything and attend to them because it could be the last call they make.
I was put in such a position yesterday - I dropped everything and attended to this good friend in the middle of a thunderstorm. He was my ex-boss.

I was in such a fix, because being in the mental state that I was in, I should not be attempting to fix another person, but I knew he wouldn't call me unless he's really backed in some dark corner with no way out. In fact, I haven't really spoken to him for months, being busy with work and school. It was an ethical dilemma for me, but he refused to kiv my meeting with him and he sounded very weak over the phone.

Things like these, eat up my sanity - but I made a decision to fix him, because I didn't want to have to tell his mother that I had better things to do (fix myself) and left her son to take his own life, or worse, bleed his body of life slowly.

In the heavy rain with him driving, was traumatic - I had to keep my eyes on the road and listen to him talk to me with tears in his eyes. After 5 hours, I got him back on track and the rain stopped.

Perhaps walking him through yesterday, did something for my spirit - He's functional again, after just weeks of boozing, late nights and just freakking out his health. This morning, he called, and he's working, out there on Deal Street again. I know I went to bed really exhausted and mentally drained - it's just that I'm better at fixing people - I'm not good with fixing myself.
Sure, I may have put myself on the back-burner and allowed another person's emotions to consume me.
This did nothing for my ego, since I know just how effective I am as a therapist/counselor, I just hate doing it, that's all. I probably broke all rules, counseling when I'm mentally messed up, but there just wasn't a choice because it's either I attend to him, or he went off the deep end.

I'm sure my professors would be disgusted that I took this gamble, right after my ethics paper, but there was really no one else and timing was critical, if I hung up and left him, I wasn't sure if he could manage.

November 05, 2008

tending to

I have decided to snap into work and cope, although it's difficult. I am still sharing my space for some hours in the day and I feel very suffocated. There is tendency to run. A gf told me once, when she was filing for divorce, that she felt like a bird, trapped in a small cage. A bird could live happily in a cage, if there is enough space and enough love and care - but would have expectations to be let free at least once in a while.

I have never been let free - because my emotions have always been check. I do not allow myself to feel, because it hurts. A very good friend told me, that I'm high maintenance - not in material terms, but in all other aspects. I watched many of my good gfs getting hurt in relationships. I felt that if I removed feelings, I wouldn't get hurt.

Looking back, all my boyfriends, right from pre-uni days, wanted a permanent relationship with me - but the minute they went there, I walked out. Never gave anyone a chance to show me how much I needed tending to. Always believing that I could manage well on my own, not needing anyone emotionally. I still believe in that very much, perhaps that's why I'm in this situation. I just realised that after so many years being void of tenderness, I have become very damaged and harsh. Perhaps that's why I come across to good friends as one who is high maintenance - not easy to understand what I'm thinking at all.

I have lived half my life and have never allowed anyone to walk into my heart. There were always limits set. The only person that probably received unconditional care is my son, of course he had his fair share of discipline but always done with care, wanting him to know that he's loved more than anything else in the world. He's beginning to realise that I need tending to, because he has decided to spend time with me watching tv instead of gaming all the time. Perhaps, he picked up on my broken-ness.

We all need tending to - in varying degrees.
I just did it myself all these years - and feeling this way has got nothing to do with anyone, except me, which is easier for me to manage and control. That to me is more acceptable than have another person drive my life. Perhaps I see things this way because in the past, I have never come across someone whom I respect as a person in totality and trust enough to let him tend to my heart.