I know what I'm talking about

For this entire year, E was nagging because she felt that I was too lenient with my son, allowing him to game almost all day (from what she understood). She was too insistent saying that I'm spoiling my son and that she has seen her brother ruin her mothers life, thus justifying her concern.

Sure, I was concerned that my son may not be putting in the correct effort - for me, it isn't the quantity that mattered, but the quality - if he could make that hour work for him, it's good enough.

I didn't say much or do much, except to have conversations with my son about it regularly - and of course, I expressed my concern about how annoying it's become for me - simply because I allow him latitude as I do not think he's a person who is clueless about being responsible.

He received his results last friday and he did very well, for someone who games 6 hours a day after school. And if we went by grades, he returned 2As, 2Bs and a C for his best 5. Had this been the O-levels, my son would be on his way to college - but because it's not, this will perhaps confirm that I do know how to study and that I am right - I was chewing him up on how he was doing his Humanities and he sulked when i made him learn it, the way I want him to learn it. He got an A.

I haven't told my pessimistic gf about this because I'm waiting for her to call me, to ask.

If she was so sure, why did she not call, just to prove a point?

Fact that she is the only gf who hasn't called to ask, proves that she knows she's wrong.

I had squabbles with my son - because he was doing it all wrong....and much as I enjoy making him sweat for his prelims (which he did badly), it was for a purpose - I needed to prove my point. But I will never give him up for a national exam - because lessons are to be learnt without a high cost factor, if the cost factor is too high, then it's no longer a lesson, but a punishment.

He didn't do anything wrong, he's just lazy and my job, as his mother, is to be always correct when it came to his studies.

I think I did it right this time.

Is a B that bad?

We all know that we cannot turn back the hands of time.

I submitted my paper, on time, I cleared up my desk and filed everything away.

There was no looking back - I only had narrowed my options and was looking forward to the New Year before I acted upon it. That was when I thought I was done and my goose was cooked.

My professor sent me an email - to request for a phone call.

I did as I was told.

And that conversation, would be THE conversation that got me riding on the tip of the tornado.

I didn't know what I slammed against but the barrage of polite expletives was enough for me to actually keep silent. This was what was told to me.

How could you submit a paper when I haven't read the final version?

How could you submit a the other paper when I haven't even seen a draft on it?

Based on your last draft, that was worth a B, and it's not good enough.

It's difficult to work and study, but you could have asked for an extension instead of handing it in.

You need to sit yourself down and do nothing but your paper to get your A. Please retract your paper.

I was reluctant because I don't do retractions - but as the saying goes, there is always a first time.

So, to make sure I heeded the advice - i was officially informed that my paper will be retracted.

It may be an opportunity for me to make this right. I know it is, it's not a maybe but a definite thing because it's already in motion. And I am the reluctant passenger.

I still haven't unfiled everything - what I have done is, to watch videos, reels and reels of it.

Is a B that bad?

Seriously, I never thought it was, although I was an A student - because I'm a realist - work has to return As and if that meant getting Bs for school, then that was the order of the day.

BUT obviously, my professor thinks differently and for that, I am numbed on how to react.

make the best

Well, finally, the awaited day is here - the day I don't have to feel guilty because I didn't have time to continue working on my paper. I made the deadline. It wasn't a spectacular paper, but it was submitted on time.

The first thing I did was to organise all the articles, return books back to their place on the bookshelf and now my table doesn't even look like it's was the eye of the twister! Just one placement and i'm done.

Looking back, I wonder if a more aggressive and stubborn priority on my studies would have made me feel differently about where my academic standing could go. My insistence on doing this additional year was because I wanted to ensure that my basic degree is secured, because of the changes made for graduate school. I suppose better have it secured than leave it open and then find out that there is no way to fix it, simply because too many years would have gone by.

I can do two things now.

Finish my placement and then change my specialisation.

Or Finish my placement and pay to stay within reach of my specialisation. The one thing that will then separate me from doing what i want to do are fees.

We have barely 3 weeks to the new year and perhaps it's apt to think hard and make a decision. What I did for this programme was risky in that I didn't put in enough time and although my grades were in the upper Bs, it could have just been a waste of financial resources if I got thrown out. Looking back, a classmate contemplated withdrawing when a paper was ungraded.

I danced with this risk every time I attended to work first.

Anyways, it's done now and I can only look ahead and study my options.

There is no disappointment yet, but there is a tinge of hope in that, perhaps, it IS for the better.

How much better, is left to be seen.

Bottom line: we make the best of the situation - importantly, we understand how things got to where it got and take it from there.

It's not about being unrealistic, it's accepting what can be done with what we have and understanding why that is so.

The final countdown

This is not about the final countdown to the new year, but to my paper deadline. Sleep deprivation is really fascinating because it numbs your ability to actually feel discomfort. The entire 2 years (already!) saw me glued to my table often, not just because of work, but often it was because of school. When I finally printed out the research portion - 27 pages without references - there was a sense of relief that I got to print it before 2am. I'm not done yet - there is another half which I have completed but not reviewed as a final copy. I will move on to that shortly.

There is some sense of achievement, because I really didn't think I would make this deadline as all the data were very delayed and not having a clear hypothesis or topic did not make things better. I worked on the paper with a fuzzy outline of the topic but halfway through, the title just came together. It was about working in total silence, oblivious to my surroundings and a silent phone. For months, the exact topic was evasive to the annoyance of my supervisor.

I am just looking forward to tuesday, when this will all be over.

I started this project a year ago, if i counted the proposal, ethics application and a 6 week extension. Yet, I actually spent less than half the time working on it actively, since the life of a part-time student is punctuation with other responsibilities like work and cooking.

The next problem will be the issue of grades.

This is unfortunately not a paper written by a honours student simply because I lost my edge sometime ago, when I decided to stop studying and work. It was academic suicide but what had to be done, had to be done - I do have some measure of regret but I would be happy if I simply completed this task so that I could move along to the next conquest.

There is another placement which I need to fulfill before I could actually graduate (again), and that would be the next thing that will occupy me, at least for a month. Although it's a placement, there is a writing component, which is less academic but more reporting, therefore, I feel that it will not be a struggle as much as this was.

For the next 2 hours, I shall devote my line of vision to scrutinise the first half of this report, the review and hopefully, be able to send that to print as well.

I am glad the most difficult part is completed - and although it isn't my best piece of work and I am capable of returning a better piece, it will have to suffice because 2009 was the maddest year in my life.

Desperation, Personified

If anyone doesn't understand the meaning of the word DESPERATION, then I would be the personification of it.

As the clock ticks toward my deadline on monday, I find myself having less and less time - which is logical, as time waits for no man, and is constantly moving forward. And when i fear the worst - praying my damnest, that there will be no 'problems' on site today - the power tripped - so i lost a few hours - then i donated more hours in the kitchen to fix lunch and dinner for my son, after which it's laundry and basic housework (vacuum, mop, clean cages), more hours. Then it's Bollywood day - and I would have just walked away, but it was showing something I haven't watched before and with actresses and actors who are familiar - another 3 hours gone - afterwhich it's already nightfall and time to clear up the home again and myself, before the evening starts to wind down.

And because I was stuck somewhere in the Results section, I decided to spend more time away from my paper to recollect my thoughst, by posting this - which should leave me trying to sleep in the wee hours of the morning twice in a row.

Although I was working on my paper today in short bursts, I managed to set a tone and worded the hypothesis correctly - which only goes to show that I do work best under duress - BUT, we students never learn. I have said that before and I'm saying that now. As an adult I tell my son, please study, please do your work, don't leave things to the last minute - and here am I, a studying adult doing everything I tell my son not to do.

It must be some kind of plague that infects anyone who studies - I am not referring to scholars but regular people like me - people who can get A's when they try very hard but usually return B's because something else is always more important than the A.

And as desperate as I am to return an A for this paper, I know I won't, because you just know if it's an A paper.

painful to admit, but it's the brutal truth. I don't say NO to more work, I don't say NO i can't do that now, and i certainly didn't say NO we have to tar pow today because my priorities are no longer just toward my A, but to completing all the day's tasks.

So I conclude that I'm Desperation, personified.

why rationalise?

When things start to break-down, as in mechanical things - one can't help but wonder if that's a sign; that it means something; it's suppose to trigger something else perhaps.

I have had 2 mechanical troubles at home.
One - the PCB on one fan coil unit failed after 8 years.
Two - the storage heater started to leak after 8 + 5 years.

And all in the span of 4 weeks.

I started thinking - is this really about moving on, or is it just me being paranoid.
I know at least one of my gf is rallying for me to sell my flat and get something smaller - albeit she doesn't realise that smaller did not mean less expensive in terms of mortgage, since i wasn't about to move to some corner on the island which is almost as good as living inside the malaysian border. Which was why I decided to stay on here, way in the northern part of the island.

But when these 2 items failed - it got me thinking - actually, it shouldn't since appliances do not last forever and it's more than fair wear and tear.

I have been wishing for a fresh start and perhaps this is natures way of making it happen. Change all the old stuff into new stuff - but is that sufficient to justify having been given a fresh start?

So i took a nap. It was just too much for me to process - it wasn't even priority since my papers still unfinished.

I think i'll just give up trying to understand why i always need to rationalise. Why must I always be so bothered about everything? Why must I always be the one who looses in the end? Whether it costs money or not, I always loose.

Fresh start for me should mean, just that, fresh start with new methods of dealing with irritations so that it no longer irritates me. I need a really happy new year.

anal or oral

Which is worse - to be anal or oral?

Actually, nothing is better than to just be a well-balanced individual - easier said than done, since as I look around me, much work has to be done in terms for the next evolution of society, which comprises of people (of course).

We do not live in perfect world and the sooner we come to terms with that, the better we will fair. If we are optimistic and think there is a 'better' world out there for us, we WILL be sadly disappointed, because there is no alternative world, just this one imperfect world. If we are pessimistic and think we are doomed in this lousy world, then we will just plod on our life being miserable.

Strangely, there are more anally fixated people around than those orally fixated, simply because it doesn't take a lot to get up on the higher rungs of a corporate organisation if we are ass-warmers - and anally retentive people have the knack of doing that, simply because they control the corporate politics from the lower rung. They are probably more 'dangerous' than one can begin to imagine. They are suck control freaks that they are able to manipulate situations so that they come into control - they need that to maintain a cognitive balance.

Orally fixated people are different - in fact, hard to pick out. They are really good at keeping things within their boundaries and managing it there. Although they may become very dependent when stressed, it's not across the board. It would depend upon how much coping skills they have developed to manage that and some may just need a little more attention than normal, which may not be obvious.

I'm somewhere in between, but more orally fixated, since i'm extremely independent, fearing dependency more than anything else. I don't get in anybody's way, unless something bothers me greatly - to which I will need my security blanket - not to cry, but to hide for a bit. But it doesn't mean I will allow anyone to trample all over me either.

So, I really don't know which is worse - I just know that dependence scares the life out of me and I get nightmares about it. Perhaps i'm not the classic case of the oral retentive person, but the signs are there. Because we (psych majors) are not really into Freud these days, it's tough to actually get into this whole thing.

I'm a behaviourist but also a scientist, who watches, takes notes and finds an explanation. I believe that all behaviour is both learnt and innate, depending on which is dominant. Which is why I never believe in processes to change a person, because people don't change - the template is there forever - we just like to think we contorted something else and bent that to another shape. It's just what we like to think - it never happens.

The wicked thing I can say is, send them my way and it won't take me more than minutes to have that original template in place.

Sharks' Fin Soup without the fin

Today, I decided to try my hand at Shark's Fin Soup without the fin, to my son's dismay.

When I explained that we should not be eating Shark's Fin because they are slowly becoming endangered, he retorted that sharks are still killing and hurting humans so, why not?

I explained to him that although I wouldn't take it well that the shark could ingest me, it is still cruel to chop off the shark's fin and then toss him back into the sea to drown. And that for a 'fish' to drown is really ridiculous - we don't like to drown and I'm sure sharks feel the same.

So, i have substituted shark's fin with tang hoon or glass vermicelli, used crab meat and fresh shitake mushrooms. I didn't bother to 'julian' carrots, and i didn't add any chicken or pork mince as some recipe did. I cooked that all in chicken broth and it turned out very well. What made it really great were the fresh Shitake. It really made all the difference (at least for my palette). What I didnt' like either were the chinese dried mushrooms - i'm just not into preserves - preferring to use fresh ingredients all the time. Which is why the supermarket is almost my second home.

to go or not to go

To go, or not to go, that is the question - We have barely 4 weeks before the new year and I have reservations for mumbai. It will be a good time to visit since I'm going with my gf yet I'm reluctant because I seldom travel during this period, simply because everyone else probably is. I like the quiet even when on flight.

I could do with a break yet because it's december, i'm not really convinced. Travelling in january means the fares are cheaper. I have been tossing the idea of actually visiting india for quite sometime and this opportunity couldn't have come at a better time in my life, yet I cannot understand why I'm so reluctant. Perhaps it's because i'm not accustomed to living anywhere but a hotel when i'm travelling and my gf is planning to drag me to her sisters home where we will squat.

I would like to think it's just a matter of changing my mindset, but perhaps it's not just that. The savings will be enormous and we could use that for shopping, which will be great, since ethnic stuff will be the thing to grab.

Perhaps when the ticket deadlines arrive, I'll toss a coin - for now, i'm still deep in thought. She wants me to accompany her - and a break is good for me - however, there is a but.

can't figure out why.

it's not the destination

It's tempting to just take off and disappear for awhile, especially when it's been a rough year, not just for me, but generally - so i gathered. Everyone is so looking forward to the new year, with hope for better things.

I must say that it's not really better things that would motivate me, but probably a more defined idea of where my life is heading. There are things that I would like to do, I have fuzzy plans but executing it is tough, since the vision is still very fuzzy. Thinking about it now is impossible as i'm still flipping between work and my paper, which is in dire straits.

To be realistic, I don't need to travel this festive period, because the flights are full and one can only imagine how 'noisy' it will be on flight and how crowded every destination will be. Yet, I actually booked a seat on a flight to Mumbai - and it will be the longest I have ever stayed away for vacation, not work. Whether I will eventually go or not, would depend very much on my mood over the weekend, since i'm still struggling with my paper and I thought to get away to celebrate - but if my weekend doesn't turn out right, because my paper is mediocre, then I'll probably decide to sulk here in Singapore.

The upside of this trip is, I'll be travelling with my gf and her 2 kids - most of my other friends would say I'm crazy to even think I'll have a proper vacation since I am allergic to children this young - but my gf needs help to mind them on flight and I'm actually not busy during her planned vacation, so although I didn't promise, she is hoping I would join her.

Of course I would rather just focus on my sydney conference - it's my choice destination besides Bangkok but I do need a vacation - haven't gone on one in 8 months - so it's time to take off.

But typically me, I will mull over this, and mull over this until it's time to issue the tickets - my other gf was so excited about it that she started telling me about some scarf which was only available in Mumbai she hopes i can find - I don't have the name yet, but she's getting it for me - she's always been to London, Shanghai for work, yet it never took her to India, so she wasn't just excited, she was really talking about what her other friends got from there - ethnic stuff.....cotton....jewellery..... so, although I told her I was thinking about it, she was urging me to GO -

People are always eager to visit places they have never been to, but for me, it's never about that, it's just getting away and being completely absorbed in doing absolutely nothing.

stop and look

What can be more beautiful than a solitary bird waddling about on a vacant land that's dense with vehicular traffic and buildings - nothing.

We speak of animals being pests and encroaching upon our turf, without realising that in fact, we, the humans, have gatecrashed on land that belonged to them first.

I was never really fascinated with birds before, simply because they would always fly off, even before you could admire their plumage. That is before I acquired birds and shared my home with them. The wonder of evolution - they can fly and if you ever get a chance to feel their wing, you would appreciate how it's 'built' different from the rest of their feathers. Flight wings are solid and densely packed and for some species, extremely attractive because of their colour.

But I do wonder why nature would have colourful wings on birds, when the human eye is not always able to look at it in awe. It's like saying, that there is no need to 'show off' at all. Perhaps it's about modesty too.

What we have, we tend to want to share that on a 'public' platform, but there is no necessity to. If we have it, we have it.

The birds have beautiful wings, yet they don't strut around with it extended at all - unless they are pitting against another bird and feeling endangered. So maybe we should do the same - there is not necessity to 'show our colour' unless provoked.

Whatever nature's reason, nature did it right.

You are not able to see beauty, until you stop and spend some time looking at it.

Most real things are not obvious - because it's never meant to be.

students will be students

The most surprising news I heard today was this: I wasn't the only one who requested for an extension. Best part of the news is : I am only doing this part-time whilst the rest are full-time students (in my group). That was unexpected, because I have always assumed that as full-time students they could devote almost all their time into research whilst us, part-time students are working and studying, we already started behind them.

Therefore, it's probably not a matter of whether we are full time or part time, because students will be students. We never devote sufficient time for school. Which is really our fault.

I could ask myself, where my priorities were - and the answer would be, in my work.

Or I could ask myself, why not delegate the work - well, some things just cannot be delegated, like PR - it's a personal touch.

Or I could ask myself, why I didn't start the data collecting prior to ethics - well, that would be unethical although I would have then been able to do my submission on time.

So, the clock is not just ticking now, it's going at warp speed, and i'm still on neutral gear - why, because it takes time for the engine to warm up. And it's no wonder we have this saying, Burning the midnight oil, because we students, NEVER learn, no matter how many times we go back to school.

The fresh tree arrives

The saga of the FRESH TREE FRESH START began today, the 24th of November.

I saw banners from last weekend selling the Noble Fir from $48 and it really didn't seem too expensive to 'buy' into a fresh start.

That was, of course, last week. Today, they were OUT of trees, except for 2 Nordman Firs, which is a bit more costly for the same height - What devastated me was the fact that, I obviously wasn't the only person who wanted a Fresh Tree for a Fresh Start - they told me another container will be arriving soon, without committing on a date - so I decided to get one, there and then....why leave my Fresh Start to chance?

But that is just the start of my problem. Never mind that I needed to get a base and had to read a brochure on 'care of live trees' - I had to move the furniture because 'he' had a wide base, as you can see. And the recommended type of lights are LED, because the bulbs don't get hot - and what do you know...I have just one set of LED - so OUT I went to get another, only to come home and find out, that with 2 sets of 88 LED lights, only 2/3 of the tree was covered as can be seen in the picture. Unbelievable.

I have not done the ornaments yet, because I need this tree to sit right i.e. he must be in the correct part of the living room - which I'm not convinced he is yet. But the fragrance of the fir, is divine....I have always wanted a fresh tree, all my life, but never actually got around to it, because I will always become all practical, telling me that I'll have to sweep up the dead pine leaves and it's expensive because it's for one time use only.

So, I suppose that's why the saying goes - no pain no gain and that if something is good, it's never easily obtained - which should translate to mean, I will be getting a really good fresh start...right?

quality of life

One of my gf, called to bitch about another gf who apparently moved to another location nearby (outside our little island) and validated her decision with a higher Quality of Life (QoL).

For people who do not care which soil the tree was on when the apple fell, an apple is an apple. And isn't milk from a cow, still milk if we do not care what the cow was grazing on?

Society is changing not because of better economy or new preferences, but because people read more and have obtained more information to assist them in how they wish to live. There are some who just eat organic food, because they feel it to be healthier all around. Vegetarians may or may not consume eggs, depending on how into non-meat they really are which again may depend upon their religious beliefs or just again, for health's sake.

So how do we measure QoL?

I think it's a personal thing - because there isn't a standard level - if we can afford to buy fresh milk for our consumption, it won't matter what the packaging is if QoL is about buying and drinking fresh milk.

A person with 10 handbags costing $20 each may feel that she is living it, yet another person with one bag costing $200 feels just the same. We can't say that the first person has a lower QoL or that the latter has a higher QoL.

I think if we can argue about QoL, then we are already doing fine and we should not use that to justify or validate anything.

For me, milk is milk - an orange is an orange. But whether the bag is leather or pvc would bother me. I am prepared to pay for a $30 lunch, but I would rather make lunch - no wastage and I could zest it up any way I please in the quantity that I can consume.

At the end of the day, it's not QoL that matters, but whether we are living our life the way that makes us want to wake up and do it all over again the next day.

Is time money?

Things never work out the way we hope - even in something as simple as scheduling - there is always something that is more important than we have planned, either penned or kept in mind.

For the past weeks, I have been extremely busy with work, leaving me time in the evening to just unwind and breathe. Even as a multi-tasker, I need breathing time before jumping into a non-work related task like study. Work can pack itself in like sardines and it wouldn't affect me one bit because my work life has always been 'on the feet' kind of thing - it doesn't matter if it's in social services or business environment - this kind of work gets itself attracted to me.

Perhaps that's just how I have lived my life so much so, whether conscious or not, i have built my career and interest only in fields requiring intensity - failing which I would probably change jobs. I have not discounted that thought, because it's not possible to always be in a rush by default.

People, business people always say TIME IS MONEY - and for that reason we make TIME valuable by adding stuff to the second. If this has been drummed into my head from my early 20s, it's no wonder I am not able to even have a vacation without dreaming of work.

I am not a real Type A personality - I may have some traits but I am sure, I am not a true type A which is why it bothers me when I'm getting too anxious sometimes like Type As. I was probably born a Type B but got bulldozed into the A classification because TIME IS MONEY.

Perhaps I'll just do an assessment and see what the result says.

There has to be more to me than a perpetual rush.

There must be some hope for me, if I ever want to be able to stop and smell the roses for a second.

square peg round hole

Did anyone ever wonder, where one learns how to connect the wires to a plug? Interestingly, we all assume that all electrical sockets are just 12 amps. But today, I came across 2 x 15 amp sockets.

What stumped me was when no one seem to have a clue of how to then connect the washer/dryer for use when we clearly had a square 'peg' and a round 'hole' situation. The first thing that came to my mind was to find a workable solution, by that it means something less expensive (calling an electrician was not inexpensive) and a solution that is almost instant like an adapter - but when in district 9, where does one find a hardware shop which won't charge you an arm and a leg for a simple adapter?

And so, I had to go to the nearest 'local' street store some 10 mins away by car. Believe it or not, solving this wasn't easy - no one sold a square to round adapter until the third shop who suggested that I just change the square plug to a round one - which is a great idea, except that, I have never attempted such a feat before. The shopkeeper was really kind, told me it's colour coded, like it would help an nonelectrical oriented me. And to make things worse, my colleague had no clue either and for an owner of a car, he certainly didn't drive around with a tool box containing a basic screwdriver.

We take many things for granted, like that every electrical appliance will come like the computer gadgets, plug and play. There is no moral of the story here - whether you are in a skirt or not, tenants assume you know how to change the plug.

1,2 and what if it's 3

I have been going back to basics and back reading. I felt that sometimes, when we feel stuck, we should go back to basics - recover, refresh and perhaps it will orientate writing.

It started when I was trying to find a term - for weeks, I couldn't remember the word in psych jargon. It wasn't important even for my paper, but somewhere whilst mind-mapping, I couldn't bridge 2 roads because this word just vanished from my memory bank.

When it did sort of return, I wasn't even sure if it was the correct term - which meant, I had to go back to reading, not just reading one text, but a lot of it, since I couldn't recall, which part of Psych it came from.

Perhaps that's how things should be - back to basics. It's from the basics that gives us the foundation to read further and understand deeper. Yet, the word I was searching for wasn't even this serious - it was a very very basic psych term. That could mean either of 2 things:

FIRST

I have 'left' Psych for too long and my brains are wired for business now.

SECOND

There never really was a term.

I am still believing that it's the FIRST reason, yet as I plough the textbooks, I'm beginning to think it's the SECOND.

Until I find it, I will assume it's the FIRST and if it turns out to the be SECOND, then I think a THIRD reason will be more appropriate.

THIRD

I'm so lacking in confidence to do a good paper that I am sure it's my fault, no matter what.

Just Trust

Someone asked me if it's possible for 'regular' professionals like us, to trade ourselves for extra cash and if the idea is appalling.

Well, I do not find the age-old profession of body-trading appalling, in fact I find it very lucrative and I do understand why some are compelled to do so - but when we have other options and an otherwise a decent life, why compete with others, who probably have a more valid reason to do so.

When we are in a relationship, it's important to stay true to each other. When we do that, we are able to figure out what's wrong in that relationship and make the correct decision to rectify our discomfort or dissatisfaction. Forget about the male having an ego and will not be able to handle his woman sleeping around - think about what that will do to us, at the deepest level. We will not be able, henceforth, to look at the relationship squarely and say we didn't contribute to it's failure, because the minute we two-time, we give up our right to expect better.

For the many uncompromising traits that I have - the one thing I can say is, I'm a one man woman - I do not start hunting until I have cooked, eaten and spat out the bones of my last dish. It doesn't mean that I am faithful - it's got nothing to do with that - it's about fidelity - it's got nothing to do with taking an oath but sincerity to the person I am committed to, either legally or not.

Commitment to me, is about the physical relationship.

Nothing else matters - a guy could send me a zillion emails or take me out for too many lunches - but he would not be able to cross that line.

A guy could be my very good friend, but he would not be able to get me out to a dinner date - lunch is as good as it gets.

These are boundaries I set for myself - because I am volatile and need markers to let me know where I am, with my current commitment.

As a teacher wrote on my testimonial - I'm conscientious, diligent - she's right.

If I could pass a marker, then I know my current relationship is in trouble and if that is not alarming enough and I move toward the next marker, then I know it's best the current relationship ended.

There isn't a better person for us, but there is a better fit for us.

No one is perfect and no relationship can be perfect. The flaws would either bother us, or allow us to compromise. If it's neither, then our markers will not be within reach.

Nothing wrong with sleeping around - if we like to think of ourselves as commodities which could be bought at anyone's whims. I may be many things, but whoever I'm seeing, will always be assured that he is the only one - even when i don't see him often and we do not have a relationship that is spelt out - it's not necessary just to label something, because the socially requires it to be.

It's enough for me to know and enough for him to know.

THAT is being in a relationship. Not marriage or engagement. Just trust.

Pets are better to have

The trouble with my not having empathy becomes unbelievable when it comes to animals.

I am sure there are a few, if not many, who are like me, which makes it confusing for Psychology.

Studies have often tried to link and some have linked violence to animals as an indication for a tendency to do the same toward humans. But when we change it to positive attributes like in this case, it doesn't balance.

I know many animal rescue people who have zero patience with people - and people who prefer the company of animals than humans and for while now, it's been a curiosity which is eating me.

I will not say that in my case, it's compensating, because I have enough work and stress to keep me too busy to even try to compensate for anything - most times, my compensating behaviour for any shortfalls from humanistic relationships come in the form of computer games and DVD sessions. Pets take us huge chunks of time in terms of housekeeping - they shed either fur, hair or feathers and need their potty areas cleaned twice daily and they too, need their regular spa baths.

And when they are unwell, it's like minding a baby because animals can't talk and tell you what's wrong or where they hurt - different from having a buddy - who can call you up and have a conversation where ideas and feelings are shared, which is why having empathy for animals and almost none for humans cannot be seen as compensating - it doesn't balance. Animals are not able to substitute for a human companion, simply because they take more than they give.

Yet animal people like myself will tell you that it's okay for them to take more than they can give, because the little they can give, they give wholeheartedly and sincerely - which means a whole lot more than the half-baked comments or ideas that friends sometimes share.

So on the one hand, it's impossible to balance the equation, but on the other hand it makes enough sense for me to say, the few years that a cat or dog shares with you, can be more heart-wrenching than the 20 years you shared with a spouse when the pet passes on. At least I can honestly say that it applies to my last marriage. I hurt more and for longer, when my 15 year old cat died than when my marriage legally ended. And all my cat did was to keep me busy feeding him, washing him, and cleaning up after him.

How's that for strange?

Mountain tortoise in a slick city

We are definately at the home stretch. I was just looking into my organiser and realised just how fast November is going past. It may seem like it's just the 6th of November, just a week into the month, but as I'm booking appts over the next 2 weeks, it's really not looking like November would last for too long.

When time flies, we grumble - when time is sluggish, we grumble.

It seems like time can never be totally tuned to our current comfort level.

I need some time to organise my data, and I'm beginning to realise that I'm fast running out of it, because I'm working every day. Work is always good and we should never complain, but this last lap is really testing. Although I would like to be diligent and keep writing daily, it's impossible after a long day of negotiations, floodings and pacifying people. My brains are too tired and I'm only good for replying emails and updating this blog - afterwhich it's time to unwind with my MIO TV serials.

It's correct to say, that graduate school and work, just don't work out that well. It's not that I'm going to give up, I'm not - it's just that the kind of work I am engaged in, requires a lot of thinking, talking, putting things into the correct perspective and being tactful but accurate in the delivery.

I'm not unhappy just brain dead. It's been a long, hard, 3 weeks, talking to some people who are just not well-bred, people who are penny-pinching, people who have not been taught decent manners and those who take me for granted.

Everything concluded today well - so it's worth it, or is it?

It's definitely worthwhile economically, but psychologically, perhaps a bit too much of an overkill. When I am faced with such people, it's an auto-response for me to immediately figure out what's bugging them and why they are behaving in such a 'bad' way. I automatically analyse them and usually what I find isn't kosher, which IS the reason I had to bear the brunt of what I find to be either immature, insecure or put simply, a mountain tortoise trying to look slick on a city sidewalk.

People need to start accepting themselves with their limitations and stop trying to impress other people - it does nothing except make themselves look like a wasted silly person who's drunk on another persona - like wearing a shoe 2 sizes too large or squeezing your foot into a pair of shoes 2 sizes smaller. Or better still, put a Jaguar emblem on your non-Jaguar car.

If you're a mountain tortoise (sua-koo) and you openly acknowledge it, people will tend to be more helpful and less critical.

Just be yourself, there is nothing wrong with that.

Fresh Tree, fresh start

The end of the year brings joy for some, sadness for some and hope for others. We would like it to be a time for cheers and smiles - but in reality it's not the same for everyone.

As November inched forward, I remember being anxious that we are at the closing stages of 2009. It's tough to think so far ahead, especially when I'm not done crossing my crossroads yet. What I did, was to take a detoured route on the road I was on, which leads me back to the junction - I'm not sure if that is a longer or shorter detour, which doesn't matter, since I have gone past the initial crossing and now have stopped briefly to think - not all the alternative roads are visible yet - but some are.

This year, if I decide to put up a christmas tree, I may choose to get a new one - or a fresh tree - something I always wanted, but never got, because it wasn't practical - the fresh tree will shed and although my cats will have a field day, it will require extra housekeeping. Perhaps a fresh tree could mean a fresh start - and the wilting tree will remind me that if the race gets tired, then we can always choose to start fresh again - next christmas, with another fresh tree. Perhaps that's how christmas trees should be - not re-used.

Never thought about it that way, but it's never too late.

I need change - change is good - and the upside of a fresh tree is, you don't have to re-pack it into the box - you just throw it away - one less box to manage.

Imagine the fragrance of fresh pine - it's like waking up on the mountainside each day.

Since I don't make resolutions, the fresh tree will be symbolic - something that will mark the change that I have made in 2009, a change to give myself more respect so that I sleep better, work better and think better.

we have but ONE life

I used to be able to just work, work, work - without incident. But these days, work doesn't seem to be able to keep my mind from straying. The mind is such a complex machine that basic maintenance just won't cut it sometimes.

As I was telling my counselee yesterday, we compensate for everything that we find a shortfall from our ideal. The problem is never with being satisfied, when we are dealing with people who have minimal demands. Who are the people who have excessive personal demands? There will not be glaring numbers, nor will there be a way for anyone to actually find out because not many are able to come out and say that they are unhappy or dissatisfied. It's not an easy thing to grapple with and people rather think and believe that they are happy and satisfied.

For the ones who can readily admit to their less than ideal situation, it's kudos to them - because although they may not be society's ra-ra crowd, they will probably be the ones who can cope better than most under pressure, intense pressure. Logically, they have lived with personal pressures for so long that their coping skills have been tried and tested to work for them - these are the people who do not break that easily and these are the people who are likely to succeed in achieving their goal in the long run.

It would be perfect, if everyone could view such people that way, instead of classifying them as people who are not blending in, or people who are difficult, or people who dream.

It's always the majority wins. But in the race for living life, I think not. It's not the majority who will win but the few who choose to be different and who prefer not to be part of the human herd. We have one life - we must choose how we want to explore that one chance at living.

there isn't a best person

There are times when we feel very stuck and short-changed in our personal relationships - but feel unable to do anything about it except to beat ourselves up and get upset. My advice to anyone in that position is that, no one is perfect and there is no perfect match at all. Everyone in a relationship compromises, one way or the other - people who say they do not are not honest and sincere with themselves and the people around them.

When a relationship lasts it's not because it's not necessarily a soul-mate situation. It could just be that both are aware of each others limitations and have found ways to compensate - i.e. they dumped their dream of being happy in another area - perhaps their career, their children, whatever that makes sense to them. And that is enough to take them right till 'death do us part'.

We need to get real with life, because if we don't, we will find ourselves always unhappy and never able to understand why we chose this over that. I know, because my life was plagued with unhappiness, with my choice of relationship partners who never seem to understand that I do need to be cared for and that I deserve to be loved as much as anyone else on the street. That just because I'm able to look after myself, it doesn't mean that I don't need to feel helpless sometimes. We all need someone, yes we do, but when half our life is gone and we have no decent memories to tell us that there is hope for us, we may just believe that we are the exception - people who are best alone.

If I could live my life again, I would ensure that I do not expose myself to this magnitude of disappointments that makes me believe that I don't have the energy to try again - not something permanent like a marriage, but at least a permanent relationship which works both ways.

My counselee is young and already feeling disappointed and helpless - I wish I could tell her that the world isnt' like that, but if I did, I would be giving her false hope about love. But I do not want her to give up - she has 2/3 of her life left to live with laughter and warmth. Perhaps whatever mistake that I have made, I just wanted her not to make the same and make it better for her.

How does a person like me, so empty of empathy and emotion be this concerned?

Well, empathy is a state of being and emotions are personal - just because I use them to cope better, doesn't mean that they are missing in my heart and soul. I do not have anyone who is there for me, anytime that I need him to be - and even if he is here, I am not convinced that being this exposed is best for me - because when I hurt, I hurt for years.

So, there isn't a best person for us.

We just balance everything so that it makes sense to us and allows us to move forward.

It's not the ideal, but sometimes we have to live with the less than ideal, deal with it and then decide what to do.

Being detached

For the many times that I have given up on ever being truly happy, I have also resigned myself to the fact that it's just destiny that I get a reprieve now and then, only to be drawn back into the realm of being 'less than happy'. Is there a definate state of 'happy'?

I think not, because being happy, is a state of mind - some people are able to satisfy themselves a lot more easily than others and hence with far less demands on themselves can propel their state of being towards the 'happy' level.

I do not remember a time in my life when I was cruising at that level - not even when I was in school. There was always something that caused me some unease, dissatisfaction and no matter how minor, it affects me so much that the course i'm travelling on either re-routes or i'll just drop altitude and be just slightly 'happy'.

No one is born depressed - a child is difficult when we are not able to discipline the child towards social/familial norms but not depressed. Depression is a state of being - perhaps for some it's a comfy place to be in - because to be happy and then sad may just be too much for a person to cope with - it can be a traumatic change.

Perhaps I have chosen to remain coping and depressed, because people disappoint you all the time. And if one is already depressed (not clinical) then there won't be a cause to get really upset because we are already there and no amount of disappointments can rattle us - we have prepared ourselves to be let down, so to speak.

It's okay to not have high expectations of people and it's okay to just know that most will disappoint at the most unexpected moments - that is human nature and no matter how great we think a person is, they are not us, they do not know what is important to us and they will be the cause of our pain. And if we just exist with people, and have zero expectations, then they usually pass with flying colours.

So lonely is life when one is able to 'look' into a person and what that person really has to offer - which won't be really much if all the pressures in life were released at once.

For the few who live life like me - one day at a time, having no huge expectations from people and strive to do things ourselves - it's a quiet road we're travelling on - one devoid of crowds but at least it provides us solitude to reflect, appreciate the changing scenes and really keep ourselves from getting emotionally unstable.

It's not because such people do not have the ability to feel - it's because they are able to feel more than most which makes them choose to be like this - detached.

A sick mind

When we decide that a relationship is unbalanced and cruising on being parasitic in whichever area - we need to act immediately and end it - unless of course, we are content with being a doormat, always being trampled upon. For the many who believe that people do change and that we should be giving one second chance after another, and even when we hit the 100th milestone, the 101st attempt will be another second chance, let me burst your bubble and tell you that people cannot and do not change.

I started my sunday in a fit of anger because the person whom I was married to for 17 years, came into my room, took my bath towel and used it. When I confronted him, his reply was that the freshly laundered towels were not around, when in actual fact, it was in plain view - on the dining table for the respective owners to take it to their own wardrobes. Now, if we want to construct a lie, we should get the facts correct. I then asked, how so, when he dumped his stuff next to a pile of laundered linen which was in the same laundry cycle as the towels - to which he claimed that it wasn't there - implying that the fresh towels just appeared as I was having my first cup of coffee. Never mind that, he had to take my towel from my bathroom, since that was my recently laundered towel - I colour code the bath towels, just so it doesn't get mixed up.

Of course the argument went on and he started changing his story at every turn that he could - which didn't make things better, but just provided me an opportunity to relate to him why he is a failure at being a person - the reason : he tries to get away from being incorrect by saying he doesn't remember and that he would remember if it happened the way I said it did.

So I did him in. I have had enough of constant lies and forgetfulness. We may share a common living space, but my bedroom is my bedroom and no one has access or should access that space even if they were looking for GOD, without my permission. He is the lamest person I have ever come across and because I am no longer married to him, it makes it so much easier for me to rock the boat and watch it sink to the bottom of the deep blue sea. No qualms.

For years, I had to put up with all this - because I didn't want to create animosity just so my son will not be affected. Finally, I have the freedom to do so and it will be of no surprise to anyone present, simply because the reasons he was dumped was made known to my son very clearly.

I know a lot of my friends think I'm courting a cardiac arrest by allowing him to live here - I think that I will not want to be the one who puts a homeless person on the street - but I will not tolerate him trying to bully me just because I'm nice. I'm not nice - I can put up with inconveniences but it will run according to my rules. If he thinks he can slip up and get away with it, then he's very wrong - I do not tolerate slip ups of either Freudian or other natures.

I spelt it out clearly for him. I am not his wife to push around and even if I still were, it doesn't give him the right to do that either. It may be a small thing, using my towel, but to me, it's not because it's my towel and if I thought someone needed to use it, I would offer it, but I won't know unless someone asked me for one, which didn't happen. So I rest my case.

All because of a towel?

Actually no.

It's all because he could not be honest enough to say that he came into my room, into my bathroom, when I was asleep, to take the towel from my bathroom shelf when his freshly laundered towels were on the dining table. Sick? yes, very.

almost christmas

Now we are definately at the last stretch of 2009. In 2 days, we will be in November and what jolted me was when I saw christmas decorations on sale. This year did go fast and thankfully so too.

I suppose, if there is any word to describe 2009 it would be - turbulent and definately THE turning point in my life. It came with changes to my life, drastic changes and I can only say, it was long coming and something that will bring me more contentment in the future.

If Christmas marks new beginnings, then this christmas should be one that I should look forward to as a milestone. Because I do not celebrate any festivals or special dates, preferring to have an even balance of importance for each day of my life, this may be the year where I celebrate christmas to officiate my new beginning, so to speak.

Having said that, it's tough to change how I do things, because no matter what I hope to do, to make it a celebration, it will not happen. I prefer observation in solitude to' loud' demonstrations. Whatever the changes I wish to embrace is very personal and no matter what the social expectation is, I am a non-conformist - which makes it difficult for me to wake up on christmas morning and have statement-making on my agenda.

BUT as always, I shall bask in the greens and reds and glitter - and hope that by the time January comes, I will be able to put my depression to rest and live my life the way I wanted to all this time. It's a big deal, to ear-mark a year - it's like asking ourselves, which year in our lives we remember the most. So, it's almost christmas - almost time to actually move on and live.

Last resort

I think I know where I am stuck. I haven't been away for too long and the idea of being confined and contained is causing me to loose patience with everything.

People go for vacations for different reasons - I hop outstation to step aside from the nitty-gritty with the hope that when I return, I would be refreshed. I usually am, just from breathing foreign air. I don't require much except for a change of scene.

I was looking forward to my sydney conference, but that's too far away and it's not comforting me at all, since I could be loaded with fresh work by then. So I'm dreaming of a short trip - to my favourite destination - but because the school holidays are around the corner and some students are already off school, i'm not convinced. The one thing I do not do, is travel during the school holidays - simply because the flights will be noisy and so will the hotel lobbies.

I need to find a short-term relief for this state and frankly, Sentosa is beginning to look nice. I am not a beach bum, but I will go there, if that's the very last resort for peace of mind - although it won't stop my phone from ringing, it will at least give me some time away from people.

At the moment, my state of mind doesn't call for drastic measures yet - so my swim wear is still safe in the drawer. Strange, how a local beach resort is my last resort. I suppose it's almost like being away without the need of a passport.

the need to validate

Some of us are really slow to warm up after a lapse, and I'm one of those - the only thing that doesn't require a downtime for me is work. Whether that is a fortune or misfortune, is totally beyond me.

I have been having a discussion with my gf about graduate school - simply because she's thinking of doing the same, in Law. We both agreed that the financial commitment is too much just because it doesn't necessarily convert itself to real disposable income later on. In my opinion, graduate school is a very personal commitment and decision to take.

Most parents are just more than satisfied to have attended a university Convocation for their child. Perhaps that's a parent's yardstick to say, hey, your financial commitments for the kid is officially over and so when the child says, I want to go to graduate school, it's a bummer.

Whatever the reason we provide for ourselves to justify throwing the money on graduate school, it must and should be something we have a passion for - putting aside the disposable income potential, because in an unstable world economy, having a job is already good enough.

I am in graduate school because it's what I have always yearned for - the quest for knowledge and the interest to understand and integrate my understanding of the human mind - it may never convert itself to my ever being in practice, but it's a personal satisfaction. I feel that until I have done that, I will never be able to satisfy my distaste for sitting with a case file for an hour, and trying to be empathic.

I have no interest in empathy, but an interest in solving the real problem - which usually is within reach - but in order to solve it, we need to study the connections - so that when we come up with a solution, it's permanent. This brings me to what my lecturer told us all in Year 1.

Psychology majors graduate with rose-tinted glasses, through which they see the world, and that is a problem in itself - the world is imperfect and so are people - and that we need to accept it.

That to me, is not a psychologist talking, but a counselor.

I find there to be no need to just accept the imperfections - but a need to find the cause.

for that reason, practice is not for me - when I embark on a journey to find a cause, it may take me a while and most do not have the patience, preferring an more instantaneous solution albeit temporary. Of course I am able to come up with a temporary solution, but I will also start digging for the root cause - with or without the client - if anything, to be a better psychologist.

So graduate school may be a waste of time and money for some - but for me, it's a necessity because at least at the end of the day, I will have the vehicle to find any root to any tree, provided the problem is interesting enough.

For me, it's not about adding another title to my name, it's about validation.

of shoes bags and cell phones

I have a new Sony Ericsson phone - the Satio.

It's interesting to remember that we should only buy what we need. This month, I have decided to give myself a treat, since I haven't bought any new shoes for a bit - I do have too many unused pairs and it will be IMPRACTICAL if I continued to collect new shoes. So, for the past 3 weeks, I have been looking at my fav label for bags and although I usually just buy what I want, I decided to be PRACTICAL and dwell before I commit on a purchase.

When I walked away from the counter, the 3rd time this month, it was with much difficulty, but I told myself that I have too many bags which I don't rotate in usage unless i'm travelling and just to prove a point, I said No. But my NO didn't last long, since I walked into my mobile operator's shop, to actually change a sim card. I walked out 4 hours later with 2 new phones, one for my son and one for me. It took me 4 hours, because for starters, I was undecided when looking at the dummy phones and then during the sim card transfer, they found the phone to be faulty.

So now, I have a new touch-screen phone - spent the entire night figuring it out without referring to the manual and I think I got a grip on it.

I suppose there are not just 2 things that I love to shop for, but 3. Shoes, bags and mobile phones. sheeish.

being real

When a relationship ends, two things can happen.

FIRST - the person who was hurt, ends up being emotionally affected

SECOND - it was mutual and no one is really emotionally affected

I know there will be some people who think that both parties are mutually affected - but realistically, that's rare. People are creatures of habit - preferring not to deal with changes and a change in the status of a relationship is not a small matter but a big deal.

The person who has the most, riding in the relationship, will be the most affected.

I find it difficult to believe when a person tells me that someone chose to end a relationship after many years and then spent 3 days crying - when she has been procrastinating this break-up for almost a year.

Perhaps I do not expose myself emotionally that I misunderstood - but that again is not true. As 'cold' as I can be, I do feel like anyone else - I just manage my emotional state, outwardly better. In all my relationships before, I was the one who walked away - there were times, when it wasn't because of a lack of affection, but just I just felt that it wasn't a relationship that I needed - and when I walked away, I didn't have to ball my eyes out - I just moved on.

Some would say, that's really cold and perhaps it wasn't even real - but no, it was real because I do not indulge in an exclusive relationship because it's fashionable.

So, yes, I was a bit disgusted that my gf wasn't truthful in filling in the gaps - and expected me to be sympathetic. But, I understand that she has to preserve her sense of having done the right thing because she's talking to me, yet I don't understand why she bothered to share that with me, if she wasn't prepared to totally unload.

If we need advice, we need to come clean.

If we need counseling, we need to come clean.

We cannot get help, if we hold back - because the story is incomplete and until there is complete understanding of any situation, the correct amount of 'help' cannot be rendered. It's like having this building collapse - if the report said the roof caved in it certainly would trigger a different alarm from a report which said the entire 25-storey building crumbled like a pack of cards.

The bottom line : Don't expect sympathy if we are not ready to totally unload. And even when we do, we need to be real - we cannot expect people around us to be real, when we are not.

vocab limited by faculty

Are some of us just great at vocabulary or is our familiarity limited by the faculty we are from?

I never applaud myself for having an extensive vocabulary, simply because I never was compelled to use unfamiliar words in my speech or written pieces like the email, just so people do not misunderstand. There is no necessity to do so, since in the business world, simplicity means clarity.

At the same time, I'm writing a research paper, which does call for some faculty jargon - not a lot, but it's a necessity - and because i'm not in practice and do not need to write into a case file, again, some words just evade me. A very good friend, loaned me his thesis for a read - so help me gather my academic thoughts and instead, I found that a word he used was not anywhere in my vocabulary bank - so I had to google it.

Then my gf who's a law Hons grad, started reading her stuff for her masters, which will begin in Feb and we were having an email conversation about our faculty graduate programmes and the route we usually have to undertake. She had to google a term I used.

And so we got started on this topic - she is a better student because she was from the top school here.

Perhaps we all should stop measuring our knowledge using vocabulary as a yardstick, since it's obviously dependent upon our field of study. She's a Law major, my good friend is a History major and me, a psych major.

It may be so, I hope it is, because I certainly do not need to think that my standard of english isn't cutting it.

Time off a friendship

People mean well when they give advice even when it's not sought. Otherwise, why would they bother? This is what I have been trying to convince myself, since people will not make adjustments unless it's what they want - myself included.

Although my greatest weakness is 'being affected' by comments from close friends, I usually get over it after a while - but that would mean days of being preoccupied, days of online gaming, days of just doing nothing but dwelling. When it affects me very badly, I become dysfunctional - because i have been clinically depressed for too long - a condition my close-knit friends are familiar with.

It has not been a year free of emotional, psychological stress - and looking back, I have done what I could to manage my state of mind and still function. I cannot say that I have survived, since I still wake up depressed and I still have trouble sleeping right through the night. To add fuel to the fire, my gf E, hasn't been very helpful at all. She hides behind the persona of being genuine and sincere when giving me her 2-cents worth of comments - what kind of friend does that, especially when she is copied on every facet of my life? I use to always tell myself that she means well, yet this year, in particular, is making it more difficult and I'm tending toward thinking that she's unhappy herself and using my unfortunate situation to make herself feel better.

That is not being a friend, because she does damage to others to feel good.

I am right now, not strong enough mentally to deal with her and have a sense of being trapped because she keeps herding me in the wrong direction.

I will do the unthinkable - stay away from her.

I will have to be selfish for myself - 20 years of friendship or not - I need to take a leave of absence from this friendship.

Another wet blanket

Just when I thought I dealt with who to discuss about what, another unexpected friend called last night. He called for another reason, but the conversation spilled toward my next course of action wrt my career.

I find that a lot of times, people do not listen and although their intentions are to dish out good advice, advice should be given only when sought. This is my gf's godbrother, who is concerned about how I'm keeping, yet have no clue about my life's goals and aims.

I understand that many cannot understand why I'm spending a few years of my life chasing pieces of paper when the society here does not recognise such paper qualifications when it's not obtained in the 'regular' way i.e. right after mainstream school. People are of the opinion that I should just use what I already have and get a 9-6 job in the social services, as I have been trained to do and that I should leave my PhD dream, to just that, a dream.

I also understand that people are concerned that I am spending a mini-fortune on getting graduate qualifications yet have not seen me use it for real work. Real work to them means being an employee.

I was a bit irritated because it's not easy to decide to realise my dream, and who said that my dream had to conclude with a similar job? It's my dream, I own it and if I feel that I need to achieve it for personal reasons, then I don't find it impractical to do so - it becomes impractical only when that takes precedent over reality i.e. I don't even earn an income elsewhere.

There was this show, Bucket List - where this very rich businessman made a list of things he would like to do before he died - he had all the money in the world, yet he did have things he wished to do. I am not a rich business person, but I too have a list and getting my PhD is on that list. It's different from wanting to sky-dive or climb a mountain but it's my dream and whichever form it takes, it's mine.

I didn't say much to correct him, nor did I bother to even give him an insight, simply because I find it a waste of time to explain to someone, something which they would not understand because they are not me.

We all have dreams, we realise some of them, we put some others aside.

We manage our expectations and we do our best to balance our needs and wants.

What works for one person, doesn't work for everyone across the board.

Before we decide to become a wet blanket, we should study the situation, study the person and listen carefully. This is why I do not like casual conversations, because many will misunderstand me, not out of ignorance but more because they had a bad time in their life and think it will happen to everyone else. I am not immune to disappointments and I have had my fair share of them, but it doesn't mean I should cease to dream.

Peace of Mind

There are many kinds of people - people who are insecure, people who are secure, people who are practical, people who are impractical - people who are worriers, people who take things as they come.....too many differentiation for it to really matter, but it does when you have to deal with any one of them, who are pretty much stuck at one end of a continuum.

When we are in need of a pick me up, we need to be with pick me up type of friends - because if we get stuck in a coffee session with a wet blanket - we will be drowning in our pool of misery by the time the meet ends.

When we need a reality check, we would go for the practical friend - not one who is oozing sarcasm from her pores, but someone who will give practical advice because that's what she does. If we chose her over another who is always emotionally unstable, we will end up taking the wrong turn in our already bumpy road.

As much as we all have this ideal that buddies are supposed to be there for us - we are all still very human with basic instincts like wanting to be the 'better' off - which doesn't do much for anyone in that friendship - I wouldn't call that a friendship, but a friendly competition.

Although I have a diverse handful of friends, good friends - I have learnt that I'm the best driver for my life - I may have made mistakes, some irreparable - but it's because I made a bad call and we need to know that so that we can do better.

I had lunch with one gf and tea with another today - tuesdays are my gf days...and both of them are different in outlook, upbringing, expectations and culture-base....we need different people to make this world colourful, but if you have a problem, and expect a consensus - this will do more damage than help and put me right back on the fence.

We need to decide things for ourselves - because no one can understand our situation, our position and our stress better than ourselves - when someone gives advice, it's based very much on their personal brush with something similar themselves or from someone they heard the story from. It may not be what's best for us.

I would love to have instant answers to all my questions, but I know that's not possible.

So, I make decisions to the best of my ability at the time I'm forced to make that decision...if it's not the correct one, then I pray that GOD will cushion the error somewhat, and give me some space to correct it.

That's why we pray - to seek guidance and blessings for every day of our life.

It's not for material wealth - but for peace of mind - which says it all, doesn't it?

of wills and ways

Today is the day Hindus celebrate the Festival of Lights - a triumph of good over evil - or simply put, Deepavali.

Auspicious days like this means, temples are crowded - it's the same for Chinese New Year and Vesak Day - Easter Sunday and Christmas for churches. Devotees are dressed in their best to offer thanks and ask for blessings from God. It's actually the best days in any calendar year for a spiritual uplift.

Because I do not like crowds, I usually avoid getting my spiritual fix on days like these - I remember being stuck in a queue to get into a temple for at least 30 mins those few times - which is already not too long a wait. But I feel that I am not able to focus on actually saying my thanks properly when i'm rushed and one tends to feel rushed when the prayer hall becomes like a sardine tin. My solution, go a day before the BIG day - trouble is, it's not the same. The 'scene' is different.

No matter what I do to psyche myself about going there on the day itself, 80% of the time, I will not take any chances and go a day or so before - I have even gone a day or so AFTER - which means that i'm not doing my best to do things right.

Today, I made it into the 80th percentile and I must say, it felt good, because I woke up before dawn, dressed and arrived way before the rest of the devotees hit the roads. I made it to 3 temples - the usual ones I visit over the year. By the time I was done at the 3rd stop, people were beginning to be very very visible and I was ready to go invisible, back home, to my kitchen.

Imagine that, it never occurred to me that I could still bask in the wonderful finery of the festivities without feeling like fish - all that took was to wake up before dawn. Something so basic and simple, took me this long to figure out.

so, when there's a will, there IS a way.

We just need to be determined enough to find and see the way.

As long as we are clouded with doubts, it's forever going to be cloudy, misty and foggy.

What's the bottom line?

Be clear what the goal is and then just reach for it.

It may take a little tweak here and a tug there, but after that, we are on the home run.

modern vs conservative

I had lunch with my gf today and she told me the sweetest thing...her kids like me very much - it's the sweetest thing because they have seen me all but twice in between work conversations. Their mom asked them why they did, given that they didn't have much quality time with me, and they told her, they thought I was modern...whatever that meant....it's a joke really, since their mom, certainly doesn't think I am!

I suppose i'm open-minded - but I would say that with caution, since I have boundaries to what constitutes being open-minded and what is just pure unacceptable. Which is why their mom, was shocked and had to tell me, so that she can make fun of the real situation....

It's not that bad to be open-minded as long as we do not forget that there is a fine line between what is open and what is rude.
For example, having an opinion is fine, but talking back is not.

Well, she did have a fine time cracking up, telling me that she wished she could tell her kids how conservative I really am - which wasn't funny to me, since I don't think i'm conservative at all.
She's leaving for a short-trip tomorrow morning - so she thought to meet up - it's been a long time since i had a girl lunch session and i enjoyed it - it was easy and there was no need to compete for anything....she had her stuff, i had mine.

Most people would prefer to say they are modern and not conservative. or am i wrong?

being the bigger person

Thankfully, I have been busy this week and so, there was no opportunity to continue dwelling on my gf. Frankly, this matter should not warrant so much of attention that it distracts me from what is really important - my research and my work. She did call me this morning, not to apologise though.

There are friends, friends who rather pride themselves on being straightforward instead of getting real and telling themselves that they are tactless and rude. No matter what happens, there will be friends who have a justification for anything said or done because they are certain that they are perfect. Only perfect people do not make mistakes but because we are human, we are prone to errors in thought, speech and behaviour thus rendering us humans as imperfect beings, which is why we educate ourselves through school, read widely and pay attention to details, whatever it may be. And even if we were on our death bed, we would not and could not have perfected living.

Each time, a pinch of regret tugs, it's something we wish we hadn't done.

And we could say, we live our life without regrets, but that only means, we have accepted our decisions, good or bad and we are facing the consequences and all. It does not mean we did not think about whatever that we could have done different.

There is this saying that it takes a big man to apologise and a bigger one to accept it.

Well, there is some truth in that, because had she apologised today, I would have brushed it off, preferring not say, I forgive you. If i brushed it off, it would mean that I am not ready to talk about it so your apology is not accepted.

I am not the bigger person, i have never been, when it concerned an apology after someone was sarcastic, vindictive or deliberately hurtful.

To me, if it fell into those categories, apologies do not and will not change the underlying intent which to me is most important in any situation.

Friends who only cause misery

We get over some things pretty quickly and some, we just don't.

It has nothing to do with my gift to dwell on things either.

For at least ten years, when my gf and me lost contact, i built my life, set directions and got to living. And again, now that we've been in touch for years, I find myself misdirected and upset - almost the same scene repeating itself. It cannot be my deja vu alone.

Friends quarrel, have misunderstandings but we never wish ill or give wrong opinions, because we need to come out on top, regardless.

I am thinking that in this long friendship, she had an agenda - which included messing me up. It's not totally her fault, since I trusted the friendship so much that it never occurred to me that she had ill intentions whenever it concerned me.

Now that the sun has risen in my horizon and I can see, I must say that although she is a poor example of what friends represent, it hasn't left me with a bad taste for having friends - it just validates that I know myself best and I should never seek an opinion from her, ever, again.

She has just downgraded herself to being an acquaintance.

We have enough to deal with in our daily lives, without having to think if our friend would inflict maximum damage to our sense of self. For that, we could just go to some war zone and have our sense of self sacrificed, at least for a greater good.

some should just be in the queue

For the many who cannot understand why it's important to find your passion in life, trust me, it's important.

Someone, told me that you can either exist in your life or live it. I am sure I have mentioned this many times in this blog. And until we decide that we want to live life, we will never find the passion in living.

It may take me weeks before I could actually say I have defused my anger - but the good news is, I can only manage one emotion at a time and for the moment, my depression is on the back burner again. I do not feel as hopeless and helpless perhaps because nasty as my gf was yesterday, I wasn't about to let her be right. Perhaps this is my coping mechanism, because the low level energy gets charged with anger and it's directed outwards to the target asking to get shot at.

The one thing we should and must learn is, if a person is so inward-looking, then we should just walk away. There is no meaning in friendship if it's one-sided - friends should be around each other, when things are rough, if nothing, just to be there. friends should share the laughter as well and be sincerely happy if things work out fantastically for one of them. If we are not able to draw any kind of fair exchange in that friendship - it's not a friendship at all, but a game.

Why a game?

Well, when we are competing, we do our best to get to the finish line before the other competitor or we try to shoot more balls into the hoop. Whatever it is, a game is when there is a winner and looser.

My gf will never understand my academic life nor will she even try to, because she has not come to terms with herself and probably has many unsatisfactory moments. She is obviously bitter with her life and me, being in a depressive state, became a convenient target for her. What she doesn't know is, that no matter how deep into depression I am, I will never stand for unnecessary outbursts and unfair comments - irrespective of where it's being directed.

Sure, she got me really hurt yesterday but for a minute, because after that, all i could feel was simmering anger - and 24 hours later, the hurt has gone, anger subsided and disgust sets in.

Perhaps I should learn that unless a person sincerely cares about what happens to me, I should not bother about what happens to them, because i'm not a social services agency and even if I'm trained in this field - I'll learn to say, take a queue number and see the other counselor over THERE!

Yet Another Year

Today, I realise that whatever academic achievements I have attained, will mean nothing to me, if I do not make use of it.

Today, I realise that no matter how great a girlfriend/older sister is, she will never understand what it means to be an academic, if she herself is not one.

Today, I realise that no matter how much I have always stood by her at her lowest points in her life, she doesn't have the capacity to do the same for me.

Today, she made me cry.

There is a conference in Sydney in January - call it the 'ego' conference - since it's for select academics only - I would like to go - not because I need an ego boost, but because I need to convince myself that although I have messed up too much of my life, that I am not hopeless as a person. I feel the need to connect with my academic peers, so that the years I have wasted, just staying in a farce of a marriage didn't mean that I was stupid - but because it was necessary.

When a person makes it academically, we congratulate them, because it's an honour to be recognised and to be selected. I was hurt, very hurt that she told me to be practical and that going over for the conference would probably not make my troubles go away. Well, that wasn't my intention. I needed to attend to make myself feel right about me and that cannot be wrong.

I even took the time to explain to her that sometimes, we need to convince ourselves that we can do it, whatever it is - and that we have the strength to make it to the finish line - and if that takes some time and money and effort - so be it. At least it would give us the fuel and energy to do it. I could stay here and save myself the money, but will that give me the energy I need to move on? I don't think so, because if that practical formula worked, then I wouldn't be depressed now.

So, yes, another year, and I have started on another journey - it's kudos.

Yet, what she told me is unacceptable and I will make her see that she's wrong.

a day before my birthday

I have said many times that I have reached the crossroads in my life - and on hindsight, those were not quite crossroads, but more forks on a straight road - a road which splits into two and you decide which to take, the right or left...which did set me on a stall, since i'm not great with options.

so, i usually move on with what i thought was the correct turn and well, after a few correct turns, I came to this very busy junction - a real crossroad and now I'm parked in the middle of this yellow box, not being able to figure out where to turn.

At the back of my mind, I do know where my journey should end - yet getting there is really tough, because i have my luggages strewn all over the roads i have traveled on - and light is a great way to go, although it would be quite irresponsible of me.

I have observed a long silence, because i'm clinical again...i wish i could say in all honesty that I would be able to get out of this doldrum soon, but it doesn't look promising - in all my life, depression was always at the back-seat, because i busied myself with too many things - and being in my stock-taking season before my birthday, doesn't help at all. I haven't read back on where I was, a year back, because it may just set my off deeper into the darkness that has enveloped me - on the up-side, it may give me a clue - either way i'll find the courage to read back.

Perhaps for me, being depressed and emotionally damaged is the norm. After all, there never was a time in my life over the past fifteen years that made me think that i have recovered - i have managed it, but never dealt with it the way it should be dealt with.

When you've been this depressed for this long, it's all you know and it's all you wake up to. I'm sure it will pass, again when I busy myself with my research - and it'll just reside quietly under my skin.

I am a lot closer to completing graduate school - which should be an achievement in itself, since too many things changed over the past year - but somehow, that's not comforting me at the moment because when I finish, i know i'll be stuck again, because there will be more studying to get done and the question then would be, why, how, where.

is it Him?

Is there such a thing as 'obstacles' in our lives? By that, I would mean, that when we attempt to do something, it is either met with a lot of distractions or we are forced to deviate before hitting on the goal. For years, I have always been intrigued by this concept, not because it's critical to our growth, but that it's annoying to have to do things the long way when a shorter route was available.

There are pockets of people who believe that there is yin and yang energies, negative and positive energies which balances this realm we are all in. When the balance is interrupted, we find obstacles in our pathways. Perhaps thats how Feng Shui consultants are in demand and that is perhaps also why a lot of people turn to religion for 'supreme' assistance.

Because I am a Buddhist at heart and observe simple Hindu practices (since both philosophies are born from the same root), the balance of energies and deeds are not uncommon in my belief system. I do not have a religion per se, because Buddhism is not a religion, but a way of life - therefore my balance system, must balance, otherwise, I find myself plagued with obstacles. As a Buddhist, I believe so much in the fact that we need to generate good, so that it will cancel out the bad - and mathematically, that makes sense to me - any equation has to balance for it to be correct.

Although I do not make balancing the equation a primary target - it does bother me when the equation is wrong. This whole week, I have gone to seek refuge in the temples - it brings me peace. We all require some kind of peace, because when we do not have that within, our minds become busy with troubled thoughts. A friend was telling me that she didnt' have a strong faith in a supreme power, but she does believe that there is some stronger force acting. Yet when she's troubled, she goes to the temple to find the answers.

Perhaps the world is confused about what is a religion and what is not.
But whatever we are comfortable with, that's where we should seek refuge. I do not believe that GOD bothers about how much we believe in religion - because it's entrusting Him that matters most. It's typically the behaviour of society to have a need to label our beliefs - but for GOD, He is THE ONE and THE ONLY ONE - how he appears when comforting us, is irrelevant to Him. The bottom line is, we still turn to Him. So, when we chat and discuss which church we go to, or which temple - it shouldn't divide us because there is still a belief system and it all leads back to Him. Whatever superstitions that one person has, should not be taken as crazy, but with respect, because if He was in our hearts, He would respect that. And even when someone goes over the deep end, we should still accept that person who may need help in being a reformed person. When we reach this point, then we will know that whatever propels us to live, is Him.

Destined or not?

When all else fails, we resort to self-help, self-medication, meditation, reflection and whatever else we can think of to make things right.

I have been floating between clinical depression and mild depression for more than a year - most times, i'm coping, but there will be days at a stretch when getting work done is near impossible.

This is a piece for reflection, because it's one year since i've run my own little business with my team. The few months we did a partnership didn't count because it wasn't my own thing but a shared thing. It's been a decent year although we did not put in our best effort in terms of time allocation. I hope to get out of my syndrome and really get into what I started out to do. Today, i checked what I listed a year ago as part of my business activity and to my surprise, i had already included consultancy work as the primary business. Imagine that - I forgot.

The reason I checked was because I felt that I was ready to move into consultancy work for the have-nots and wanted to make sure the paperwork was in order for that.

That information brought 2 things to mind.

First - that sometimes, we know what we want subconsciously, yet our conscious self does not register the fact.

Second - we get so caught up in the moment that we forget the initial goal.

I must have had that thought in mind a year ago and instead of working on the primary business, I focused on the secondary business - how strange.

In any case, it must be the correct path, if I am hitting on it again.

Although I tend not to believe destiny as much as prayers - I think this must be destiny. How could I not realise/remember my primary business? It's almost ridiculous.

buy what we need, when we need it

The strange thing about me is, now that I got my new toy with the standard initial charge-up of 8 mandatory hours before use, I haven't used it. I was really excited about getting a light-weight gateway to the internet yet, I haven't found a good enough reason to use it, other than the fact that I don't have the MS-Office installed in it, yet. I have started to transfer some files over to the google document function for my easy access for editing. I don't know how well it would work, but I will get around to it.

There are some people who will just dive into a new toy - and get right into the groove - but I'm still very much in the lag. Similar to my shoe craze, i buy shoes which never get taken out of the box for months or even years - clothes are the same too.

I have remained constant this way - yet it's almost like an illness - i do not buy things on impulse so i'm not a shopaholic at all. Yet, i own things I do not use which puts me in quite a quandry about what i'm really up to sometimes.

Perhaps as messy as my life has been, my untidiness about buying what I would use immediately is just as bad.

We should all just buy what we need, when we need it instead of having something just because it's useful to have it laying around somewhere. For some of us, we like to be prepared, so to speak, but sometimes, it just takes up space. Is there a rationale in all this? Yes and No.

the netbook

I finally got my netbook - it's tiny and very sleek.

I just cannot figure out whether I should get an external drive or not to load MS Office. If I don't, it would mean not being able to do my work on it. Google has documents which can be saved in pdf format which is very helpful, but my research needs to be done in word. I could try to work it out in google, save it there and then pdf it over when it's done, but I don't know how good it is, since I do need some different formats for headings.

The netbook is much much lighter than my notebook and I could actually lug this around, if there is a need to. I spent the evening just configuring the wireless connection and charging it up. Will probably think it through later about MS Office. I don't think I could compromise on not having it installed.

I'm impressed that it's really fast and although the keyboard is tiny, it's certainly much larger than PDAs and if people are using blackberrys, I can manage this.