finishing the race

I have been working here, grudgingly for 2.5 years. Many times I have wanted to quit. Too many times, I have walked right into a yellow box, not sure which way to take a turn.
This year was the worst year in terms of fire-fighting. Had to fight my way, to get the quota proportion correct - upset a string of people along the way, tidied up the team and working system - but never did I think it was because i needed more income.
We all need money, that's why we work.
BUT money doesn't buy us happiness or work security.
It buys us a whole lot of other things.
I've plodded on here, and did all those things, to make a pathway for the next 2 years, when I'll be swimming with my books - not a good idea to start anew and then have to juggle a new schedule aside from the term exams, 8 terms of it.
I have said NO - leave me alone here.
BUT apparently, the person offering me this 'job' doesn't have that word in his vocabulary.
I cannot go back to square one, start all over again, build up a team all over again, and build up a business all over again.
it's too time consuming.
they are prepared to give me a good package - monetary terms.
Now, if we all are gunning for more money all the time, in terms of our package, when does it all end?
I want more money, but not at the expense of going back to square one.
I feel that, if we keep going to the start line, we will never finish the race.

missing someone - a mindless moment?

What does a person do, when they are missing someone?
I guess a lot depends on their current circumstances. BUT first, how do we qualify 'miss'?
Relationships are strange, in that, there are the spoken, unspoken, imagined or even 'robbed' ones. Whichever it is that describes a relationship, it's complex by it's own right. Whichever a relationship it is, it involves two people and chemistry.
When we feel a tug-of-war going on in our hearts, and our stomach flutters even with a fleeting thought of that person, then that's obvious chemistry. In the absence of that person, thoughts of that person will bring on smiles and a flush of warmth.
So what do we do, when we are caught in this mindless moment?
Some would share that with a close friend.
Some would just hold that moment deeply.
It's a gift and a curse, to be so entwined with this because there may never be any closures for this situation.
Yet, we tempt fate and expose ourselves.
Perhaps just one fleeting moment of missing someone makes up for all the sadness, incompleteness that is the void we truthfully feel in the core of our souls.

Market Reputation

What ingredients go into the making of reputation?
Generally, when we aim for a good reputation we expect that the perception (of us) is positive. This merely implies that generally, people respond positively to the idea of us.
When a representative from an organisation tells me that they are concerned about their reputation, it would seem quite strange, since it's not a large organisation to begin with, making them a less obvious topic of conversation.
To make this even more confusing, these people think that omitting a buffet spread (on the day of the launch) may affect their reputation. How does food equate with sales, when you're not in the food business?
Sure, bells and whistles will attract attention and attendance - but if your product is not haute-couture and you have priced your item as one - food is not going to cook the books.
Why pay $500 for a hand-carry when there are others going for $50?
It's vanity - label owners go through lengths to get their line recognised in advertising and promotions - and the TOTAL quality in the product warrants the price tag.
BUT when a sweat-shop label tags an item as haute-couture, then they jolly well have some highly priced fabric and workmanship to support the price - otherwise, it is just another sweat-shop reproduction.
Reputation is not about hiding the true value of the item being sold.
It's about consistency in quality.
It's about honesty.
It's about delivery.
It's value for money.
When you have overpriced yourself, then reputation should be your last worry, because either you make the adjustments or the market will determine when your existence expires.

"Eye-Wash"

Having been in the work force for too many years, I have noticed that people arrange their workstations which includes 'leisure' pictures/screensavers, etc...something to wash their eyes with, when work gets to them.
One of my previous bosses had Beaches as a theme for his screensaver. Lovely stretches of fine sand, sound of waves even. Whenever he needed to 'get away' for a few minutes, he would let it run, and just admire the beautiful shots of sunny beaches.
There are some workstations with pictures of their children - most are of their kids. Then there are those who put up motivational clips/posters. Some have plants, live or artificial - just to spruce up the desk. There are some others who have feng shui items, like the fortune cat, money toad or the crystal tree.
I guess when we look at someones' desk, you can more or less make out, how that person is skewed. It's not about a neat, organised table. Sure, that also tells us about that person. BUT it's these things on the desk that has MORE than the eye can see.
It's what the person looks out for when an eye-wash is overdue - we work on the computer all day long, and our eyes are tired. So we need an eye-wash...one that will not sting, but one that will bring a smile to our faces.
What do we do?
We look at what we have placed on our desk, because each item, means something. Something that will comfort us for a few precious seconds each day.
Think about it.
The reason why it's on the desk is simply because, we spend MOST of our waking hours at our workstation. It's not just decorative or an eye-wash. It is that person's subconscious mind.

grooming

What's the difference between looking good and being well-groomed?
I guess, when a person looks good, it's in the face - must have the all appealing face, without blemishes i.e. relatively good skin, and having the face proportionately arranged.
Being well-groomed means, a person could just be average in terms of how they look i.e. face, but the extra care taken to dress, carry oneself, makes the person attractive too.

I am not one for looks, simply because we all know that it may just be that - looks. Everything else about that person could be way below the acceptable range.
I am also not one who is impressed by a sloppy-looker/dresser with a below average character ranking either.

It's just that when I flipped on the TV a few nights ago, there was a local talk show, having a discussion about it. They concluded that looks do matter.

I felt that the message wasn't correct.
It's like this make-over thingie - send someone there and poof, they will emerge looking different.

I don't think it's just in the looks.
Imagine a good looker who doesn't have clear diction or eloquence in expression...he may be able to mesmerise the onlookers for a second, but afterwards, it's down the scale, all the way. AND then, even looking on, will be an eyesore.

Bait

With an uncertain world economy, which began with the US sub-prime market troubles, the once bullish property market here is now back on track - almost. Although many reports are optimistic, there are just as many which are realistic. It has always been my opinion that whatever happened this mid 2007, was a hyped up situation - not an opinion many real estate professionals shared tho.
And so, for the many who are driven by greed, it's a good lesson, but perhaps for some, yet to be learnt. We all work, do business, to earn a living - there is making a profit and fleecing. We are entitled to make a profit ; but are we entitled to fleece another? Morally, Ethically, Spiritually, definately a NO.
For such people, in their desperate bid to hang on to what's left of the hype, baiting is what they have resorted to.
To get a large fish, we hook on bait, that's proportionately larger.
And so, what would be proportionately larger bait for property?
For me, it has got to be something like a vehicle - a Mercedes would do nicely.
BUT for this greedy lot, they have decided to offer a buffet spread.

Who am I to say it wouldn't bring in 'fish'.
sure it will, but fish these days are not silly.
instead of biting down on the bait, they may decide to nibble and miss the hook.
That's why we do farming these days.
Haul in the catch with a net.
No bait required.

Are you Overworked?

If a person has been working without any support literally for a period of time, the level of work becomes a norm for that person. Our coping mechanisms are well-oiled to always adapt. That's the difference between a person with good coping skills and another who struggles to cope simply because their coping mechanisms are not in-gear.
Overworked is never a term I use to describe myself.
Overloaded, yes, but never overworked, because work is work.

When your boss asks you "ARE YOU OVERWORKED?"
It's actually more an admission of guilt - like, are you getting enough of support?
Frankly, in any industry, it's just how much of support is put in place CORRECTLY, to carry-out the job. For that reason alone, we have positions in the organisation for administration staff.

So, whenever this question comes up, it's always better to just say, it's not about being overworked, it's about whether the backline is supporting the workload as well.

Fortunately for me, I cope, with or without support, because long time ago, I learnt that I could only depend upon myself and no one else.
I'm not overworked, I'm just pissed off that some people get paid to play computer games during office hours, whilst I'm meeting deadlines.

The meaning of being CONTENTED

Is there ever such a thing to be CONTENTED? Could anyone really be CONTENTED?

The word is an adjective. It means, to be satisfied, gratified.
I think there are many of us in this world who are more easily CONTENTED than others.
Others refers to a classification of people who, are always scrambling for more because this lot, is not so easily gratified.

Being CONTENTED is one way of getting away with being a non-achiever.
Being CONTENTED is also one way of being thankful.

It's amazing that one adjective could give differential assumptions about the state of being.

Perhaps, how that affects us, is a reflection of our journey towards that state.

For those in the center lane of the traffic of life, it's cruising speed and we should just be glad.
For the slow movers in the left lane, it's the maximum they can travel at, so let's just be glad.
For the few in the overtaking lane, it's a word that they have left out of their dictionary, because there is always another car in front for them to overtake ; hence, they tend to keep on that overtaking lane for quite a bit.

CONTENTED is not a negative state to be in.
It's whether it works for you or not.

When my son used that word to describe his performance in the last exam, he realised that this mother doesn't have that word in her dictionary; simply because, this state never existed for her, making the word an illegitimate logic.

Not his fault.
it's just me.

Some, are just hopeless

There is such a thing as being in a helpless situation. Such a situation arises when given all the circumstances, nothing much can be done to fix the problem. Keeping the players in the situation as a constant, we find that any change in the other variables is not quite possible - that's helplessness. To say that we shall then CHANGE the players, it would mean, not keeping a constant at all, and having variable components throughout the equation, which translates into having a fresh equation - thus, not finding a solution to the question in the first place.
When that happens in a test paper, for example, it means, we have skipped the question and gone on to the next.

In life, when a situation is hopeless, it's also helpless ; simply because there is no NEXT question we can skip ourselves to. We are stuck.

Of course, even when we are stuck, we believe that there is a solution. BUT if we didn't prepare ourselves well for this huge test in life, then what? Skip this life and hope to be re-born in a better cycle? I believe some people have exercised that preference, ie. take their own lives and hope that they will be re-born in some other life.

I do not have a well thought-out solution for this helpless equation.
Simply because, there is none available.

Bottom line: Bail out Emotionally.
It takes a strong person to do that, because we are all wound-up with emotion all the time, male and female.
That would be the best, life-saving solution for anyone.

Some would ask, how so? since we are still very much alive and in pain.
Well, when we bail out emotionally, we are less involved.
When we are less involved, we feel less, thus, get annoyed, angered, pissed-off, hurt, LESS.
Give that some time, and no one will know the difference between a Ponstan capsule and you.

Only in Dreams

What happens when the object of our affection exists, only in our dreams?
Two things.

First.
It's what we wish for, not necessarily entirely.
Perhaps it's what we find missing in our awake-state.
Perhaps, there is a need to be held. We need human touch.
Perhaps it's just as simple as that - the need to be with another, without any strings.

Second.
Perhaps the other person is in dire need of comfort.
There is a possibility that both are so totally connected in the subconscious although they are worlds apart.
Perhaps, as much as the dreamer has this need, the star player in the dream is thinking the same.

Conclusion.
The real answer is not in any of Freud's theories.

The dream is a stolen moment.
One that cannot be shared, because the dreamer is too affected by the reality of it all.
The touch was real enough.
The warmth that came with the hug was comforting enough.

There is such a thing as being connected far beyond our understanding.
But then again, it may be the right thought, or even wrong.
Sometimes, it matters.
Sometimes, it doesn't.
It only matters because the dream is mine.

Contracts

Contracts are there for us to fall back on when there is a dispute. The terms of the agreement will be written/spelt out clearly, so that the parties to the agreement are clear on what is expected of them.
For property contracts, the completion date is THE date sellers and buyers have to beware of. That date means, the property is legally being transferred to the new owner. Which means, after that date and time, the purchaser becomes the new owner and the seller will no longer have a right to stay on that premises.
Trouble with a lot of people is, they think it's a date we can negotiate upon at the last minute. When the new owner refuses to allow any extension of stay on the premises beyond the completion date, the existing owner gets annoyed. We should avoid such unpleasantness and just adhere to the terms of contract.
If the new owner is not in a hurry to move in, then sure, most regular people would grant some extension. BUT if the new owner is unable to because of his personal circumstances, it doesn't mean that the seller should get nasty and accuse the new owner of being unreasonable.
People are so selfish that they do not see everyone's position and situation.
They are so focused on themselves that only their problem is genuine.
And so we have contracts.
If we go back to the contract, the current owner doesn't have a right after the completion date, and if he refuses to hand over the unit to the new owner, the new owner has a right to get the police to evict him.
BUT for selfish people, they would try to tempt fate and refuse to move out.
I'm just amazed at how people never focus on finding solutions. If we have miscalculated the time frame, we should admit there is a problem by perhaps looking for some storage facility instead of verbally abusing the new owner.
This is the behaviour of a seller who is himself in the property market.
He obviously has gotten so used to everyone giving in to him, that he has expectations for this contract to bend it's terms to suit his laziness.
This time, he will find out that contracts are binding and if he chooses to un-bind it, it will cost him. Penalties are expensive and unnecessary.
BUT if he thinks it's just money, he surely doesn't know that for each day he delays, the cost could be as much as a few hundred dollars. Well, for some of us, we have to pay to learn.

Winding Down

Usually, once I have crossed my birthday, I start scaling down my schedule for the new year. I know some people would have taken stock before the birth date and then implement the changes right after. I'm just a bit different, in that, being an October child, the last quarter of the year means closing a chapter. I probably would gear up again in the new year. It's not that I will just laze about - it's not my nature, I see it as warming up my engines for the new year.

We all have different buttons and modes of operation. This works for me. After so many years, I do understand myself very well - it's important that we listen to ourselves to keep the balance. When we take up arms and war internally, we create a stressful situation for ourselves.
Having had battles and confrontations all year, these coming weeks will be lived in much calmer mood. Perhaps it's like machinery - takes a while to rev it up. Had I been born in the middle of the year, I may be on full gear by christmas - but then, I wouldn't know since I am not a cancerian or gemini child. I have no clue of what affects them.

AND so, with my winding down mood in place, I am tireously planning for short breaks. Although I hate the beach/resorts - love the sunrise and sunset, but hate the idea of an endless volume of sea water - I will plod along for a break to some beach and try to be like most people - resort vacationers.

It may be a struggle, but it's necessary for me to think I'm just a regular person, now and then.
It's not just necessary for me. It's necessary for everyone to just be themselves for a bit.
After all, no matter who we are, or what we personify, we are still people, with needs to be human-ised, if there is such a word.

what really matters

Beautiful sea and setting sun.

If you ever watched the sun rise, or set, you'd notice that at those points in the day, the change occurs rather quickly. The whole day, for at least 12 hours, we have daylight - i.e. the sun stays in the sky for that long, yet when it's time to set, it just 'falls' too quickly, bringing with it darkness. Same in the early mornings - the sun would seem to be struggling to against the law of physics to break into the horizon...when it does, it does so quickly too.

Wonders of nature.

No words could describe how mesmerised I can be by something that we all take for granted.

We should take a little time to appreciate all that.

It's not a cliche - it's getting in touch with what REALLY matters - the rising sun, the setting sun and everything else we never stop to even bat an eyelid about.

Why?

because that's what money cannot buy us. It was given to be appreciated.

painting the ceiling

I used to paint, change the colour of the walls of my home, as therapy. I feel that when I'm painting, I don't have to make any conversations, and could just be quiet and enjoy the splashes of new colour. I have had this habit from a long time ago.
Freud might just thought it's because as a child I was deprived in ever helping out with painting. Perhaps, perhaps not.

Anyways, yesterday, instead of just attacking the walls, I decided to do a ceiling. After all, I thought it would be so much simpler to just slap on a fresh coat of paint, as opposed to wet wiping it. WRONG.
I got paint all over my face, my hair, all over me - it was like freckles...although my hair had new streaks. To make things worse, it started to rain a bit...so the daylight was history - had to depend on warm white lights, which didn't help of course.

Lucky me, it was just the ceiling of my dining room.
Now, my next problem would be, who's going to volunteer to do the rest?

Perhaps that's why we have companies who specialise in painting - pay the mullah, and spare ourselves an aching neck, arms and hours in the shower just to make sure my last hair highlights did not get overridden!

sunset at sea

This was a shot I took on the way back to Singapore last friday. The sun was setting - the view was peaceful. The sea wasn't quite as calm, but just watching the rays of the sun coming down to the water surface was so very pretty. It would have been great to have this moment shared but I was pretty much alone - after a long day at a site inspection.
The sea breeze added to the ambience and at times like this, you'd want to share that moment with someone - because every book about relationships would talk about romantic sunsets. I could share this with Frisco, but well, he may be so mesmerised that he'd fly off into the sunset!

Well, books are just books and meant for light reading, with the exception of text books, which we should take them seriously, unless we are refuting some research finding.

Perhaps, I'll be spared the agony of never seeing this sunset alone again - if we start on this project. Somehow, although it felt lonely, it comforted me. It's not a loneliness alone, but the solitude alone, which I have grown to treasure. It's a moment only for me. Over the years, I have gotten used to it, and as such, I savour robbed moments to be just me.
Sure, it's a dream to be wrapped like sushi, and still survive being chowed on.
I needed to watch this sunset, because I needed to know that there are still beautiful things on this earth that I can appreciate for me.

Take a boat trip out and watch the sun go down.
It takes you away from the hustle and bustle of this chronic island and reminds you that we need to focus on the simpler things in life.

signs

Signs help direct us. Basically that's what it's for. On the road, we read signs to tell us whether we could drive through the road, vehicular direction or the NO ENTRY sign. We also have signs to designate wheelchair parking lots or simple ones to tell us where to go to answer a call of nature. Signs are useful - like the phrase "A picture tells a thousand words".

Given my confusing situation with the Admissions department, I wonder if that's a sign but one not painted out. Perhaps this sign is telling me that I should go with another university ; or perhaps my timing to start my Honours year is all wrong. Perhaps, the subject readings are not what I would subconsciously like to do. IS THIS A SIGN?

Life would be far less complicated if no one invented signs. That way, we could just come face to face with the situation and 'take the bull by the horns'. BUT because there is such a thing as 'signs', and I have no picture to guide me through this interpretation, I'm rather stuck.

Since time is never in my hands to manipulate, I have decided that I shall ignore these signs and move along. What will happen, will happen. And when it does, it does. I have spent 2 days, thinking about this - Imagine, trying to obtain some vision when there are no directional words or picture to guide you! Perhaps, I could treat this like music.
Feel my way through.
For that, I'm thankful for all those piano lessons -
When all else fails, what touches us most would matter - signs would then not matter so much - but isn't this touchy-type of feeling a sign too?

REs

In uni, we talk about REs. Yup, that's when we fail a paper and have to sit for it again. The word re-take sounds so bad, that we just say RE. Although I have never had to RE a paper, I'm sure it's stressful and quite depressing.
After plodding through books and papers, writing/typing assignments, presentations, research, we graduate. At the convocation, we receive our testamur. Some of us would take the trouble to frame the darn thing up, some would send it to be engraved on a metal frame for the wall. Some others would just keep it on file.
After celebration, some of us work, some will continue their postgrad immediately. Our testamurs will re-appear at job applications and of course, when we apply for post-grad studies.
I have been going here and there, the past 5 years, finding THE course I should pursue post-grad. I enrolled to do a Masters programme, which I never really started on because I found out that the support is not sufficient. Working and studying is no joke.
This year, I'm finally ready to commit a 2-year relationship with my books. Got a place to do my Honours year (which I KIVed before), then work got crazy, had to postpone it. Now, 6 months later, the university sent me another letter of offer, for a 3-year undergraduate programme. I was like "huh?"
The admissions office here wasn't helpful at all - they didn't know what was happening, although they had my admissions docket. The clerk claimed that they only had ONE year of readings from me, but she also confirmed that she had a copy of my testamur.
What I cannot understand is: If I didn't complete 3-years, then how in GODs name did I receive a Bachelor's? She couldn't answer me.
So I dug out all their letters of offers, (postponed twice, so I have 3 letters), and I still had the ones offering me a place to do my Honours year i.e. Year 4.
Wow, that was like telling me "Hey you need to RE, Years 2 & 3" not because you've failed them, but because we lost your transcripts.
Now that got me thinking - if they cannot even comprehend result slips, then what makes me so sure they are the correct agency I should trust my money with, to complete my Year 4?
Imagine that, she wanted me to do a big RE - I guess she doesn't have a clue, that no person in their right frame of mind, would RE something they have cleared. Perhaps, she's been dealing with Psych students so much that, she has become as certifiable as us.

The right time

There will never be a time that is right to say things that may not be appropriate for a situation. Yet, we will come close enough to having this urge.
Good or bad, we tend to appreciate keeping the peace - until another time when that option no longer serves it's purpose.
There are a lot of marriages in this situation.
I was the person listening to estranged couples.
BUT I left doing all that simply because these are not what I would classify as 'real' problems.

Choice is always ours. We choose to stay or leave.
Most stay because of their children.
Some stay because splitting the matrimonial assets would be painful.
Others just don't want to initiate this mess.

Then there are the few who are just waiting for the right time.
BUT when IS the right time?
It's usually when the kids have gone past high school, because they would have already developed the basics in character building, and being a young adult, are better equipped to deal with separated parents. Not that children have no intuition and are unable to pick up the tension, just that it's easier to deal with tense parents than 2 households. At least the financial needs of the children will not be compromised.

BUT whilst waiting for the right time, there will be loneliness that we have to deal with. Someone will have to work till they are so tired they just fall right into dreamland ; because another day means, they are closer to the end.
Morbid, nope, just a shot of honesty.

it's all about balance

There will be some people who are just careless about when they tell you what. I don't know if that has anything to do with upbringing or bad genes. Either way, it's these people who have failed their respective relationships.
Sure, there will be somethings that never have a good day for exposure, but although timing is of the essence, the delivery of the news is just as important.
I have always believed that anything that brings on less than a smile is not good and should be handled with tact. There are others who strongly think on the contrary, because if the bad news has to be told, then out with it, regardless. But this is not about keeping numb, or making light a serious situation. It's about when we choose to share that, and how we actually spill the beans.
I am one who believes in just telling it straight, yet, when I do, I focus on the delivery and make sure the soup is not too tasty nor tasteless. There is never a good time to discuss the bad. BUT we can make it more accepting if it's handled correctly.
It's never about the negative, it's always about compassion.
Yes, even in conversations we can have compassion. When we include that little factor in, then it's easier to deliver bad news without causing as much stress to the other person.
We should remember that it's all about balance.
Everything in life is about balance.

solitude

Alone time is something some people prefer more of, some less of, depending on what makes up their general 'life'. I had 48 hours of alone time in Bangkok, and it wasn't enough. That is the horrifying truth. I was reluctant to move
My goose is cooked.
I prefer my solitude.
I think I have crossed too many miles of disappointments, anger, annoyance and irritation that I have burnt the bridges to those fields. We tend to do that, it's called survival. And with survival, comes instinct - we stay clear and far away so that the bad cannot recur.
I will always remember this trip, because it will be these 2 days there that gave me some idea on where I'm supposed to head. Yes, it's supposed to, since the letter of offer for my Hons year is still sitting pretty on my desk.
I did some soul-searching and realised that for all the millions of excuses I have come up with for not starting the term, I have just ONE damn good one to do so. It's in my love for Psych and my ability to help another person understand it. Yes, it's probably going to shield me more from my state of unhappiness, but what we don't see, we can pretend not to know. At least when I am focused on something else, I will not waste my time away, thinking, how the hell I managed to screw up my life again and again.
Solitude does wonders.
Because we have time to be honest with ourselves, without interruptions.
It's painful and I've shed a few tears there.
BUT I'm back now, the tears have dried and I'm moving on.