Frisco

I have not grieved for a loss in a long time. The last traumatic time was about 6 years ago when my cat died. After that, I didn't ever want another pet I could really bond with. It was sadness that required coping and time for healing.
Yesterday, I brought home an amazon, 7 months old. I didn't have the strength to go back to an 'empty perch'. Tears will not bring Ash back, and anger surely isn't going to solve my already complicated situation.
I spent time working through the cages, figuring out who needed a home, yet wouldn't chew my fingers off out of fear. Frisco stepped up and stayed on my arm - refused to go back into his cage there - at that moment, I had to bring him home - he was sensitive enough to know I was sad and not afraid of a strange hand.
For me, Frisco is not a replacement - he is here to comfort me - and comfort he did, because when I disappeared into the study, he came off his perch and walked towards the study. Perhaps I am in need of a 'home' more than them - it's a laugh, but we need to do that once in a way.

Goodbye Ash

Ash died today 30th May 2006. Suddenly too. I was at work. Nobody knew what happened.
He was making strange sounds, like he was hiccupping - I tried the vet, but he was in surgery - I left him a panic message and on the way there, he died.
I cannot begin to explain what that felt like. I was more angry than hurt. Angry because I just came back from a three day trip to KL and Ash was part of my family. I never really wanted a Grey, because they didn't seem attractive like the Macaws or even the Eclectus. BUT I gave it a shot knowing that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether he was colourful or not, and that he would keep me company. I have lost a companion - no matter how tired or long my day was, I made sure his cage is clean for him to go to bed in - I couldn't go home to nothing. I would just seize to function.
There are theories, that Ash probably died because he could have tried to fly and probably went crash into something (unlikely) OR that he ingested something he wasn't supposed to (also unlikely) OR the chinese belief that pets close to us, just die because something bad was going to happen. You know, I still don't get it. He hasn't had a fall, he doesn't eat rubbish, because he's just learning how to crack the sunflower seeds on his own, when he crash lands (trial flight) he lands on the thick carpet.
I didn't have the heart to see him one last time. I said good night to him last night, and thats it - that is how I will remember him.
I will never recover, because boring as his colour was, he was what I went home to.

side-trackking

There are times when we are sidetracked from our projected course in life. Question; do we act on it? go with the flow? backtrack?
If we act on it, we have to think about how far off course and whether the corrective steer will be just be too time consuming for us.
If we go with the flow, it will seem like we never had a definate course to begin with, and if we are quick-thinking person with the great ability to find instantaneous solutions for nerve-wrecking situations, it may not be a bad thing.
If we backtrack, then that's not good, because that implies a 'cost' factor.
What is the best course of action, when given a damning situation?
Frankly, I have the tendency to select 'selfish for myself' and then think of a getting back on track. I may be successful in most of the tasks I undertake, but that is through sheer hard work and good fortune. But when it comes to the core of my discontent, it stumps me. I have no clue what to do.
Ask and you shall receive - Is there any measure of accuracy in that especially when dealing with discontent? I doubt so, because discontent is so personal yet never something that can go on an agenda for self-dissection - too damaging for the self.
Times like this, being weak seems like the best thing to be coz' people find solutions for you. BUT I'm not weak, just need some tending to, that's all.

Taylor Hicks

This is the first time I've not missed a single episode of the American Idol. I remember the first screening - Taylor Hicks just seemed different from the rest. I wouldn't say that he has THE BEST vocals this season, but he makes that up with stage presence - which is critical in the music industry. He sings from the soul and that alone is an identity that makes him different.
For those who are not inclined with his brand of music, start listening with an open mind, singing is not about being able to keep tempo and pitch. It's connecting with the lyrics, the music - it's singing from deep within, it's the delivery of what the song means and represents.
When we are passionate about what we do, people tend to get motivated and harvest that same energy, just to feel the same.

When does IT end?

When I started this blog, I was in a puddle of situations. The dynamics of my home was changing - although I had protests from all around, I stuck with what I thought was the best solution. I did what I should have done from Day One i.e. cut the limb that was rotten. That was advice given to me many years ago - that we should not hang on to something that causes us to feel like host material.
We have to move on because life goes on - life is not going to wait for us, sound a buzzer and hope that we'll hop on! Life will just propel ahead - we do what we have to do, to generate the best outcome, given the screwed up circumstances.
I have more than just 'moved along'. I have a life now. Something I never was sure about before because I was hanging on to rotting flesh.
Everything I have done in my life was never because of an inflated ego or that I needed to prove a point. If I had a point, I put it across and moved on. Pain is a very good teacher.
The rotting flesh that was amputated tried to re-attach itself.
When will people learn that when choices have been made, we stick with the consequences.
I made the right decision, that's why I never had to scramble to get the rotten limb back - for what it's worth, that's loyalty and what it means to have principles.

Going to Church

At lunch today, I was asked if I went for Sunday Mass - It started when all of us started discussing about the Da Vinci series. Most of my colleagues/friends, don't bother to ask me at all, because for starters, I'm very open about where my faith lies.
Having a Belief in GOD is different altogether. I believe in the existence of a super spirit, if I may call it that - but I also believe that our destiny lies very much in our hands, and the present day choices that we make. There is this need in almost everyone, in an all encompassing power, to which lies control of our fate. People do not want to be responsible for everything negative that happens. It's the nature of how things are. Anything good, we want to take credit for, anything bad, we try to direct the cause externally.
I have worked very hard all my life - almost never resting to achieve whatever that I felt I had to achieve. Sometimes, I feel like I'm alone even when I always have people around me. I have made bad decisions and I have had to live with the consequences.
Although I don't attend Mass, I never feel shortchanged spiritually. When I need solitude and energy, I visit temples, churches, kramats - it doesn't matter to me because whichever religious clique we want to belong to, it's a public statement. As with our deepest thoughts, that's on a need to know basis only - and as long as I have this blog, it's as public as it can get already.
So, I'm here, trying to be a more meaningful person - without having to make a public statement in person - I hope that makes sense.

Self-Preservation

When do we feel that we have reached mid-life? Do we take the average life expectancy and halve it or do we just know it?
Many may use the standard yardstick - or at least the big FOUR-O as the marker - for the male gender, that is supposed to be THE turning point year - I have no clue about what it does for women. I guess I'm not what the market would label, average, normal or even 'most women' - therefore, even if there was a 'standard' reaction, I probably wouldn't fit either.
I remember my forty-something friends and how they reacted, waking up to the dreaded marker - some went on a retail frenzy, food, wine and men. It's not always vanity that causes us to behave this way - sometimes, it's just having the need to feel good about oneself. Being needed and wanted is very much part of this equation - be it from service-oriented individuals or using one another to accomplish a common goal - ethics certainly doesn't play a role.
So, don't wait till you are compelled to celebrate something before you stop to think about taking care of yourself. We all need that therapy - it's part of our self-preservation - Egos aside, we need to first appreciate ourselves with all our limitations before we are able to love another being........

Long Weekends

Like most working folks, long weekends tend to get our adrenalin going - we plan short getaways or get-togethers. It's time for us to recouperate from the daily routine of reporting for work.
For me, long weekends represent spring cleaning. Time for me to move pieces of furniture around - and whilst at it, attack all the dust balls, cobwebs and whatever else that super-speed daily cleaning missed out. This is the reason why, I never required an interior person to design my home! Over the years, I have accumulated individual pieces, that somehow managed to fit into the entire concept - mix and match.
This weekend, the moving itinerary is to accommodate play space for Ash and Tweety. I'm building a play pen and hopefully, I'll complete this task within the next two days. Of course it'll take more time, since everything still HAS to blend in well. Functional and Aesthetical - the goal of this task.
In between all that, my work is just a phone ring away - which makes it more interesting, since I never really know when I'll have to leave the mess I created to redesign a living space.
It's this 'on the edge' feeling that drives me to complete tasks that I otherwise could just ignore. I wonder what I will do, if I ever grew really old - it would probably bore me to death.

Change - reason enough?

Style and personality would have it that some of us are just not cut out to be like standard furniture - Most furniture stay put except for mine - I shift them about - far too often. For me, change is good because it means I'm still being creative, whether at home or at work. I enjoy the freshness of new situations. Sometimes, it may not be comfortable, but after tossing the idea about, I will most definately find a suitable rebuttal for myself.
I have come to accept change as part of the growth process. Everything in life needs a renewal at one point or another. Change is good provided it doesn't compromise our goals. Having said that, I have no major goals in my life. I live day to day. I am done planning, because even with plans, I get sidetracked and still arrive at crossroads. I don't go with the flow, but I would go with whats best.
And so, I have moved to another department - a major change, because I have left my best work buddies on the other side.
I did it because work deemed it necessary at that point in time.
Is that reason enough?

confusing thoughts

When I close my eyes and rest at the end of day
It's with great relief that most things have gone my way,
Yet, there is always this nagging fear of impatience
That will consume my energies and bug my conscience...
Is it difficult to be honest and sincere?
Foremost to myself, my rules, principles I hold dear...
I plod on, moving till I think there is a visible end
Narrow roads, slippery surfaces, round many bends
ONLY to arrive at another intersection - a choice to make
Which road to take?
I miss being Free
I miss being Me
But is being Free really being Me?
Let's wait and see.......

Gold vs Ash

Ash has learnt how to Step Up. It wasn't easy - in fact, I thought Tweety did a quicker job in understanding what was required of him to do. So, size doesn't matter really!
I have spent hours on the net, reading about African Greys - Thank Goodness for the Internet, or this entire 'teaching' phrase would never succeed. For one, it requires patience and my alertness, both of which is lacking when I'm on a weekend break from work.
My girlfriend was curious and confused that I didn't buy gold with the money. Frankly, I didn't know how to respond. I'm not into jewellery as an investment - albeit very small investment. She is a pet person, but for pets like small tropical fish. She used to have cats too, but has since not kept any after the last passed on.
At the end of the day, I am one who lives the way I choose to live. People buy branded goods, like handbags, with a higher price tag than Ash. Of course, with bags, you could lug it around - I could do that with Ash, but then, it really isn't the same, is it? I don't need to have an expensive bag to know that I am on the right retail therapy track. Ash is not part of my retail therapy.
My teenage son has also learnt to be more touchy-feely with the flock - something tough for a child since he's more into computers and gaming. I find that refreshing and comforting - My son does not need to be yanked away from gaming anymore - he does it on his own, when he feels that Tweety or Ash needs him to be with them.
So if anyone were to ask me again, why not Gold, I would say, because this purchase is not a show-piece, its for my peace of mind.......

What it means to be The Opposition

As with most Singaporeans, I am all excited about having been given the opportunity to vote. What surprised me was the fact that the Opposition managed to find good people to stand at this Election. For many years, there was this looming 'fear' that if people begged to have an opinion and made a political statement with it, they would be 'blacklisted' somewhat. In fact, I grew up with that idea in my head.
The Rally has shifted it's focus from ALTERNATIVE IDEAS, to who is credible and who is not? Frankly, WHO IS TO JUDGE?
An Apology is an Apology.
Just because someone misplaces something, doesn't make him a crook, a manipulator, or a wayang artist. He's from the Opposition Pary, but does that mean that he's not like any one of us? He forgot! End of story!
I remember the NKF and the Peanut incident - how quickly everyone wanted to forget that.
I am not interested in politics because I don't have a squeaky clean slate to boast of OR a string of qualifications, but I am definately for Fair Game. At the rate things are going for Mr James Gomez, I feel like I've been given a choice. I believe that if I misplaced something, I honestly misplaced it - BUT if someone were to comment about my forgetfulness, I may just, on the by and by say something to dismiss it -
Because I'm an ordinary person, no one would bother what I said to that - but Mr Gomez is from the Opposition party, therefore it was concluded, he had an agenda.
As the Opposition - You cannot speak like everyone else, you cannot even crack a joke. Basically, the ruling still wants to control what you can say and what you cannot - and if you don't have a fat bank account, or aren't prepared to be penniless, then better be the kind that sees nothing, hears nothing and does nothing.
I am making a choice in a few days, and believe me, it will not be one that has been directed because for what I'm worth, my personal choice is still very much mine.

Welcome Home Ash

Meet Ash, born on the 11th of February 2006, an African Grey.
After procrastinating for 3 years, I finally found the courage to bring an African Grey home. For starters, it's a life long commitment not just for me, but for my entire family.
So until I find time to do a real brief on Ash, here is the very first picture of him, at home.