What makes a good marriage?

This is a very sticky question.
In my opinion, it would depend very much upon the people in this equation.

Some people see marriage as the culmination of a beautiful courtship - but to me, that's an incorrect view, because what hits the peak comes right down on the other side.

Some people see it as a necessity because it's what people do when they hit a certain age - which is also dangerous, because these same people have a higher tendency to grab whoever's nearby and get that paper signed and sealed.

Some people see it as a means to avoid what they will otherwise experience, lonely mid-life/old age. Which again doesn't fix things, because you could well be separated before you hit the projected mid-life crises.

Some people think they need to have children, pro-create to ensure a lineage for their family. But children do not always keep the marriage together - it's stressful and joyful on one slice and not everyone can cut it.

Some people think, its better to get married because then sex becomes safer, without thinking that with marriage, sex is never just sex anymore, simply because the dynamics of the relationship has changed, and with it, everything else on a subconscious level.

Some people marry because they love a person, but just as love has the ability to develop and grow, it has an equal ability to fade and die. After that happens, it's just responsibility to the vows that would keep the marriage together.

So, what makes a good marriage?
It's not about any of these things.

It's about whether we have enough patience to nurture the relationship further. Its' about whether we found another person who has the same ideals about building the relationship.
There must be 2 willing parties with similar targets otherwise, it becomes stressful for the other person and children as add-ons, do not make it any easier.
What we do not want is for the marriage to become a responsibility more than a relationship.
To do that, we should marry for the right reasons, which is for ourselves, not us alone, but ourselves as in for both parties - It should never be for someone else, something else or worse still, because it's time.

Marriage brings with it happiness, sadness, security, expectations, disappointments and stress - in random order - but what makes it work is our own preferred order of things and how we make sense of it.
It's not a bad thing, it's just a bad thing for me.

Explanations

Most times, explanations serve to clarify situations/decisions/stands, whatever that has unapparent understandings. Personally, I am a stickler about explanations, always having the need to validate whatever it is that is before me. Explanations would take away any doubts and stops any unnecessary misinterpretations.
I know of many people who dismiss explanations as time consuming and useless. These are the people who will grow but in a limited way. When we take the time to explain, it means we have taken sufficient time to think and digest the facts. Of course, if a person cannot validate his explanation, then it's either his thought process is inefficient or that there is no justification for whatever he was required to explain.

This fact, that I'm Miss Explanations is what makes me a precise person - I may be the most difficult person to deal with, but actually, if everything is in good order, there is never anything to worry about. Take this failed marriage - it's not because I changed or that anything changed - the institution of marriage was unable to provide a sufficient explanation for how people just assume that marriage is the end result. That is besides the point that I'm not marriage material. It's a common assumption that the relationship culminates on the wedding day and thereafter, everything else is supposed to find it's own rhythm.

I'm high maintenance - not in the monetary sense. Many good friends,ex-boyfriends, have told me that. Perhaps my requirement for any relationship is never about bank accounts or even love - the relationship must have a reason for it's existence - I need a better explanation than having to give and take, simply because a piece of paper says so, or that the vows say so.

This perhaps sums up my decision.
This is my explanation for having made this decision.
I finally found time to share this with the injured party - so that he understands that bad as it sounds, it's a decision that has been validated.

compassion

The most difficult part about changing dynamics is not the change itself, but it's the practicality.
For families who have decided to split into 2 halves, it's always housing that's the killer - simply because in land scarce homeland, rents are high (until 2009 at least); public housing is asking too much in terms of COV; and private property is not practical in terms of expenditure when there is a teenager in the equation.

When a relationship ends on a mutual note, do we throw out compassion?
It would depend very much upon what that relationship was built over. Marriages built on strong friendship, seldom crumble into bits - there is anger, but not hatred. People grow apart and some friends are better left as friends. I married a good friend - big mistake, but I do not have the capacity to watch a friend sleep on the sidewalk because I need my space. It's got nothing to do with emotions, but friendship. I couldn't let a good friend walk into a trap and if I have provided shelter to a perfect stranger before, albeit old and destitute, a friend could stay as long as the objectives are clear.

Yes, I have no empathy, but I am compassionate, even to a hungry kitten in the drain. My life has never been about Me, but always about doing what's right. And so, I have allowed my soon to be ex, to be a housemate, until he finds his feet. What will that cost me right? Actually nothing much, except tons of questions from my good natured other pals. I have my own room back now, and we are seldom at home at the same time - which means, there will not be any strangeness in the air.

So friends we are. It's like regression, but then we do need to go backwards, before we can figure out how to move forward. I am a failure at permanent relationships, two marriages can back this claim. I am sure I am not a hopeless pal, but somehow, I'm not the easiest person to live with or understand and if I'm just done with my first marriage, then I will say, HEY IT"S HIS FAULT. After 2, it's not them, but me.

After all the misery, which is probably self-inflicted, it's my karma to stop destroying people around me and make peace with this damage I am set on causing.
So, housemate it is, for now - right or wrong - I'm not going to judge or decide - for me, I have to be compassionate because it's what's required of me - either that or I'll probably roast in hell for never understanding what meditating every day is all about.

Black Magic

I know of a woman who married a man 20-odd years ago, worked her way up, but seeked the help of the dark world to manage the man from the day she met him. Coming from a culture rich in such beliefs, she sought assistance from sources to secure her livelihood. It gave her all the luxuries of a life she dreamt of.

In Asia, seeking help from the dark realm is common to some cultures - and as much disbelief a lot of us have in such stories, it exists, in it's darkest form. From what limited understanding that I have of this, it's a fact that such mediums exist either as hoaxes to bleed money from unsuspecting persons, or real, in that they actually adopt the assistance of some spiritual being loafing around.

In some cultures, the mediums are able to request for the beings to control another person. They call this 'tying'.
It's not a good thing to do, because we are all basically souls, with a balance sheet. We need to do penance for sins that we have committed so that when our soul is ready to return to our Maker, it's smoked it's peace-pipe. For every action there is an equal reaction. And for such people who seek such assistance from the dark spirits, the pay-back is great, too great that it can send a person's soul into a spiral into hell.

My question is, why so much of desperation to live a comfortable life? She must really be scoring low on the ability scale to sell her soul (almost literally) to get what she wants. What happened to good ole hard work?

It's rather disgusting to think that people do stoop so low so that the rest of the world would think of them as achievers. Well, what do we do, when we find out?

I think we should always remind ourselves that we have succeeded only when we put in our sweat to get to where we are. Along the way, we meet friends, who support our work and we build a business, relationships and strength to become better people.
That is a self-made person, deserving of mention.

But when a person seeks help from lost souls - that person better go join them, since they obviously don't have living souls who are interested enough to support them.

Maybe they just don't believe in GOD, but well, if there is no GOD, where the hell did the lost souls come from? Mars?

fiction or not

I was watching Oprah this morning and she was recommending a good read - something about love in the times of cholera. It's about this young man, who glanced at a woman and knew she was for him, pursued her, but she got sent away, she married some doctor, and some 40/50 years later, in their twilight years, he found her again, and finally they got together.

That is soppy - but I'm sure it's a good read. Sometimes, we need soppy to get out of the reality check. Honestly, what is life about? It's should not be a dream, yet it cannot be all harsh reality because I think we all have a need to be in an unreal situation now and then, just to keep the boredom at bay.

I use to read tons of romance novels - probably built my ideals on them, but circumstances never allowed me to actually pick a great ideal and weave it into my life - I'm too much of a pragmatic to do that with success. Which makes me wonder now, if following my heart would have given me a different outcome. I have no regrets - because whatever choices I have made were validated, at least at that point in my life.

For a person who's cut and dry; there is a very deep part of me, which never gets to be shared. Somewhere, between growing up and watching people get bruised, I got myself a box and locked everything up - I'm sure it was as young as 16 - my best friend got dumped and that cost her the O-levels. Perhaps, it's just being selfish for oneself to some extent. Everything is fine, until it comes to emotions - it's not something I toy with, nor something I would like to be open about, because too many years have gone by, and I have become what I thought was safe for me.

So, maybe that's why a lot of women enjoy romance novels - because I'm sure, many have such a box - although the degree of this control would vary. When we read, it's us and the words which flow into an almost endless stream which tugs at the heart-strings. There is no worry, nothing, we just read and flip the pages - run the imagination and let ourselves get lost in a different era.

Perhaps I should go pick up that book.
Because for all the fiction that it gives, there may be a measure of reality for someone else in the world. Nothing is ever fiction in romance - it's whether we want to take ourselves on that road, circumstances and all - if we don't, then it's fiction, if we do, then it's our reality -

'cut n dry'

Yesterday, my entire day was filled with meetings back to back. The first meeting of the day, involved a client of mine, someone I haven't seen in at least a year. Most of my clients keep in touch with me by way of phone or email notes. Some I get to meet more often, depending on the dynamics of their portfolio. This one, I do not meet or rather, avoid meeting, simply because over the years, he's become a friend but who prefers to take the friendship to a more 'casual' level.

He's got ego oozing out of every pore that it annoys me sometimes - because although I do take referrals (from him), I'm just very uncomfortable when the relationship travels outside work. I'm rather sticky about who I get comfortable with, even if that means sitting down having a stress-less cup of coffee. Preference is NOT to get stuck listening and rehearsing patience everytime the cup of coffee becomes sticky.

He describes me as a 'cut and dry' person. The kind who says just what she means, no room for negotiation. The last time I heard that descriptive used on me was from a close gf.

Probably, in this context, it would mean, everything that warmth doesn't emulate. I guess the same still holds for men, who cannot get what they want - even in later life - that it's never them who's the problem, its' the cut n dry woman. Portfolio or not, I'd rather be cut n dry, because although it's always a great feeling to know that we are looking yummy - it's not a good thing to know that we are less selective in closing the gap between what's work and what's not.

I don't have problems drawing the line - some people have problems dealing with that clear line thus the label, cut n dry. Ask me and I'll say no - doesn't even have to be anything more complicated than dinner - when that happens, it means I've done classification. The label doesn't change.
I got drawn into this meeting because I happen to know this guy. My colleagues, being men, picked up the cues right away - and one even told me, after the meeting that this guy has a very soft spot for me. What else is new? It's a male thing - you tend to be a little more interested in un-won conquests. Yes, I always get a phone call after he has a visual brush with me. He's very open about it, and I'm very open about where I'm coming from too. Which makes this even.

Perhaps he's right, I'm cut n dry, but he omitted one small thing - that there is another side of me, which I keep very low-key - which is everything, I'm openly not.

Juggling

Could anyone possibly work on two different agendas and make both meet targets?
On hindsight, I have 3 huge items on my agenda - and being me, it's not really a tall order BUT.

My agenda flips faster than the clock's second hand - I remember talking about a WC almost falling off the wall at 10am during a budget planning for an upcoming conference - and right after that, my partner reminds me in another phone call to sign the cheques. After that, another call comes in to confirm the meeting schedule for today, plus confirmation for WC repair man. That's just the first 2 hours of my day - it goes on throughout the day, if not the WC it's some other thing.

Managing this isn't a struggle, but after 8 hours of constant flipping, I'm crashed out by 9.30pm - brain dead - cells refuse to communicate anymore.

Each of my work scope right now, has an entirely different bottomline, although they all amass around the respective income targets - industries are different - so I have become like a flip switch - some relay...

Well, having a solid reputation for getting the job done is one thing, maintaining that is another. We need to always keep our eyes on the ball - so that we don't loose sight of that, not even for a moment. That moment could cost us our target. If there's one thing I definately learnt in marketing was that the ball is round, so keep your eyes peeled very very closely.

So for people who don't just juggle time with one workspace - being organised is key. Anyone can get anything done, provided we know whats where all the time. A staff told me before that I run a very tight ship - which may not be something people like - but well, no one likes to fall short on the balance sheet and take a pay cut either, I'm sure.

Therefore, good things never come easy - forget the bells and whistles - just go for the home run.

Pre-occupation

That basically means, other things taking up space in the mind other than the obvious.

Although most of us dive into our work when our minds are pre-occupied with less than ideal thoughts, I still manage to juggle everything, keeping myself on-top of even 'pre-occupied'. Few of us can honestly say it's what they are able to achieve, simply because this goes way beyond multi-tasking.

Our brain is like a huge sponge, it's able to soak up more than we can begin to imagine - we won't know just how great this system is, until you put it to task. In my life, entire life, up till this point, I have never had the luxury of being free from multi-tasking. Perhaps it all started from my deciding to grow up much earlier than my peers. I chose to walk this path, always believing that I'd rather get over with the nitty-gritty of life whilst I still had abundant energy.

In some sense, it was a blessing because I learnt to manage pre-occupation whilst getting what little responsibilities I had then - responsibilities grew with time and I just added that on and today, it's almost engulfing my entire being.

I think it's okay to be pre-occupied, within reason, if we are able to still function and get our tasks done i.e. meeting deadlines. Thankfully, it doesn't make me a moody person, just a little quiet, seeking whatever peace in silence, that I can gather.

And so the question should be, if I have any regrets about how I have lived my life so far - well, no. Because for all the wrongs that I have to fix today, I have one right in my son. If not for the path, I chose to walk, I would never know the joy and laughter that he brings into my life. Except for his laziness, which is common to most kids his age, he's really why I take all this pre-occupation in my stride and make sure his comforts are not compromised. Whatever difference I may have caused for him, in changing things, should never become his pre-occupation. His pre-occupation should just be to live out his life, and bring laughter into someone elses life, like what he has done for me all these years.

making space

Monday - the start of another work week - brings some relief to me - since it keeps me more than just constructively busy. Weekends are for home maintenance - and I spend hours just sorting the household out. Yesterday, was closet day. Finally, I got my entire closet space - to myself. Although I've been 'living alone' for years, my closet says otherwise until yesterday, when I filled it all up with only my stuff. That must be very telling to anyone who walks into my room, since it's really now just my room.
Imagine how selfish that thought even is, when this change is not just drastic, it's probably a turning point kind of event for everyone concerned, yet I have time to blog about closet space. You can never have enough space when you have as many clothes as I do - my wardrobe is an almost walk-in and it's heaven when finally everything has a proper section - at least for me, that's a perk.
I have decided to take my time in looking for the ideal apartment - after all, the mortgage on this house has to be paid still, and why settle for a less than ideal, when I will end up paying 'rent' both sides. So instead of stressing myself out searching every other afternoon, I decided on contingencies i.e. label what's personal space. At least that would make things clear that I am dead serious and there is no turning back.
In my previous walk-out, I left with just clothes - didn't even bother to fight for the flat - never liked the idea that someone can drag the finale because you want half the proceeds from the sale of the flat. I started over, with nothing, literally.
I was about to do the same here, except that, I won't, because people don't appreciate when you don't ask for anything - they still think you owe them something - so, having learnt that lesson, I have decided to take what's rightfully mine, since I bought them myself.
So, until the ideal apartment comes my way, I made space for me. Finally, I can factor myself in somewhere, because all these years, I had extra furniture I didn't quite pay for that was hanging around.

Classification/Certification

The great thing about depression is; if anything else goes wrong, it will come as no surprise. Otherwise, it can be a rather pickle of a situation to be in.

In the course of my work, I have met irrational depressives, suicidal depressives, angry depressives, emotional depressives and pseudo-happy depressives but unfortunately for me, I do not fall into any of the categories. Frankly, I cannot seem to categorise me.

I have zero emotions which accurately reflects the turmoil that's supposedly beating me up. When we loose something, no matter how trival, it should matter, isn't it? I have lost 20 years of my life CONSCIOUSLY and all I can say is, nothing. Yes, I think about it all day, I think about it when I'm at work, at the meeting - but no one has a clue - because I'm me, always putting responsibilites first and me second - I always deal with myself second. Perhaps that's the root of the problem - I'm never important enough for me because I'm perfectly capable to fix any darn thing.

I spent the morning with my gf of 25 years and all she said repeatedly was that she felt so very sad that no words could convey that verbally. She almost cried because she never picked it up, when she was right there all this time. Now THAT bothered me - because why am I causing her this guilt - she has nothing to do with this, or how difficult a person I have become.

My saving grace right now is my work, which keeps me too busy for anything else except meeting the deadlines. Already a workaholic, it doesn't improve things, but why would I want some free time, when all that it will bring are perhaps more depressive symptoms - and I definately do not wish to CONSCIOUSLY or SUBCONSCIOUSLY make it to the DSM-IV.

It's always easier to blame someone else when something goes terribly wrong - but it's always best to actually face reality and find the root of the problem, not the origin of the blame. Perhaps that's why I don't offer any depressive symptoms - I'm busy finding the root of the problem within me - not within an external factor - because external factors change.

So, to be totally different from the rest of the depressive population - the DSM-IV should be left on the bookshelf, because maybe one day, I'll write a paper on why not everyone needs to be classified albeit requires some certification - which are two different things :)

Revelations

It's been a good, busy week. I prefer full schedules to being free, unless I'm on vacation. Busy for me means meeting deadlines and completing a scheduled task. But being a successful multi-tasker doesn't mean my mind doesn't have time to think outside the schedule. I'm so damn good that I can do two thinking things at one time - provided only one requires a solution - not both.

Anyways, after 5 days, I realised that I have been stuck in a relationship that doesn't offer me anything at all. Imagine that. It took me 16 years to realise that and make some decision on it.
I asked myself, if I was basically stupid or just plain ignorant of what makes a relationship work - it's neither, because when I search my mind, I remember the reasons I got married - and none of it came from the standard checklist.
Whatever it was that compelled me to get that piece of paper, was not on the SOP, and because it was never written down by anyone in a successful relationship, it didn't have a chance to work in the first place - so am I still the one to be blamed?
For 16 years, I have emotionally supported myself, intellectually supported myself, financially supported myself and definately, did not require to be physically engaged as a reason. I didn't know how much this would bother me - that I'm a sucker for strays, and may just do better doing animal shelter work.
Getting the papers drawn is a piece of cake - because for me, I draw up papers all the time - it's just another thing to get out of the way.

I just cannot deal with the fact that I have failed to take care of myself, thereby allowing another person to take full advantage of my good nature and ability to be self-maintaining.
I don't bother about stigmas or whatever it is that people attach to other people who file for more than one divorce - but I bother that I made the same mistake twice - that as important as I place other people/friends in my life according to where they fit in, I have blatently omitted myself in this equation. Do I subconsciously detest myself so much that what I need is never important enough? Is that me? Always more bothered if the cat ate, or that the bird is comfortable, or that everyone receives their pay-check on time, or that they have eaten but never about what I need for my sanity.

It's pathetic, that this doesn't even have priority because I slipped in a thought or two in-between building 4 concept papers for the conferences. We need to have some priority in our lives for ourselves - because that's like a time-out.

Revelations are tough to swallow, but prozac won't do it now because I want to be fully conscious when I conclude this session with my thoughts.

5-star nightmare

What will it take for a small player in the industry to gain recognition in another larger industry? Well, for most times, when it comes to business - contribution of overall income would be a good yard stick. If one could constantly provide a flow of income i.e. patronage of service, the other party would automatically offer you their corporate card, so to speak.

My long time friend decided that his organisation is in dire need of some recognition from hotels. He felt that hotels gave his organisation the run around every time they had a function, which is quite often - they are conference managers. He wanted the dynamics changed, tables turned so that the client (which is him) gets some kind of priority service.

I think any organisation would automatically give that priority rating when it comes to huge stat boards, but for the private company, it has to be earned by sowing business ties with the downline - i.e. be a trouble-free customer yet use their premises often enough.

It's frustrating for him because when a conference is in progress or winding up for the day, the hotel staff is rushing to get the payment done, etc - something most up-there bosses detest since it's networking time. Perhaps the hotel concerned forgot that sending repeated sms-es does not make the situation better for anyone right after the event. They might have missed him for the bill, but it wasn't the first time he booked an event there either.

Both are from the service industry - they should exercise discretion when reacting - that way, no one walks away feeling short-changed in service or professionalism and there will be continued business. btw, it was a 5-star hotel that gave him this 5-star treatment. For that, he has vowed never to hold another event there, ever.

apartment saga continues

With the property prices finally approaching reality, there is reprieve for everyone, home buyers and renters alike. Strange how people would turn their backs on good offers, with the hope of making a killing. I have joined the group looking for an apartment to rent therefore, I'm glad that more supply is coming into the market and that finally, things can return to normal. Many share my sentiments, because some of my friends live in developments trying to go enbloc from last year and still trying this year.
For these group, it's not the money they will get from the collective sale that's important, it's having to move out of their home, something you have built-up over the years and finding another shell to breed familiarity which could never be the same. For me, moving to the east coast has nothing to do with having the sea close by - I'm not a beach lover, nor one who could just stand at the patio daily to admire the seaview. I'm relocating because shuttling my son to school from the north to the east twice daily is quite a feat besides the fact that my marital status is about to change. That is secondary - it has always been me and only me giving myself consideration in this relationship.
And so the apartment hunt continues - was quite set on a 2-bedroom apartment, although space would be a major constraint - never mind my shoes - what the rest of my household gadgets?
Everyday I pray, that there is a nice landlord who can appreciate that I'm finding a temporary home, not just a roof and that for the rental he will be collecting, his apartment will be in tip-top condition - since make-do is really not in my vocabulary.

home search

After reckless house-hunting, reckless because it seemed more like an accident waiting to happen, I have decided to slow down. After all, the dynamics of how I live will not affect paperwork as housing is not something to joke about here. With the constraints of land and stock, rentals is the potential killer for any regular family/person.

Many have told me NOT TO confirm unless it's THE apartment for me. Why make do when you are forking out good money to live there? It's not that I've sold this flat or anything and will be on the streets anytime soon. I'm still thinking about the not so perfect ground floor unit - but will take good advice and keep on searching.

This little extension means that my schedule is going to get crammed, because every day, I will have to make one trip to the east coast, to fetch my son home from school - it's not just the travelling time, but the cost and opportunity costs forgone as well. It's a small sacrifice when we slam that against paying $36k a year, more than what a lot of locals earn annually, to make-do for 365 days.

And so the hunt continues - on alternate days, I slip in 3/4 apartments in-between appts, meetings and paperwork. My colleague told me that I'm the most difficult tenant he has met - well, we are not buying shoes that we can chuck aside - but searching for a place I can call my home for a while and home is where I work, relax and enjoy - it's my space, and I cannot trade that for half-measures.

market standards

It's appalling when you find out that in this day and age, people do not really care about how badly maintained their apartment is and just want to charge market rental.
I have seen apartments without a proper shower area, those with rotting mirror frames, pieces of parquet which are rotting, cooker hob with the enamel corroded, curtain rails held together by cable ties and refridgerators fit for beer but not quite storage of food to feed a real family.

Appalling is actually already a very polite choice of word.

When a landlord decides to rent out his apartment in a sub-prime district at market prices, he must at least have some interest to maintain the apartment. Sure, he's not living there, but if you're charging a good sum as rental, don't you think the tenant deserves a fair shot of upkeep?

The best part is, landlords are not prepared to replace the rotting wood, preferring to allow the wood to continue rotting, and maybe if the entire frame falls off the wall, the tenant will be liable to pay under minor repairs. Mirrors are spotted from the back-side - which will surely become a source of irritation when you start using it daily. I'm not talking about a spot or two. I'm talking about a spot the size of an adult palm.

It's shameless, now landlords expect tenants to have to put up with it with no rent reduction for flaws.
Bottom line is, when we expect to receive market rate for rents, we should then expect to provide the equivalent comforts in the apartment for the tenant.

I'm still apartment hunting and believe me, this is more traumatic than studying for my exams.

changes

Change is never something that comes to anyone with ease. We struggle with change because change means adjustments and stepping onto unfamiliar ground.
I have opted for change because I know it's for the best - it may not seem to look that way at the moment, but the picture gets better as it gets completed.
I have chosen to file for a divorce.

For those contemplating divorce - one must always think ahead, far ahead. Look back, far back too. Then decide if that is the only solution.
Divorce is not for the faint-hearted, because when it comes to the bottom line, it's always awful.

The kid has to be uprooted, thrown into a different environment - everything changes at once.
It's never easy for them to accept this, but in my case, it's either this or I'll spend the rest of my life regretting that I was never firm about this and know that if I could never be happy, it's because I gave up wanting to be.

This may not be the perfect time to actually do this massive change, but perhaps it's like I needed to do a whole re-vamp of the wardrobe. I have recently changed my occupation, and now this. I have no idea why I choose to start from scratch right now, but I felt that I wanted a clean slate of everything - it was necessary to do it, so that things will be set right.

At the end of this, I know I'll be fine. But for now, it's a mess.
Someone hand me the garbage bag, please.