Before I Go

Yanni had this on his album, it's a beautiful, 'feeling' piece. BUT some people label Yanni as muzak...:)
Whatever it is, it's still a beautiful piece, to me.

Why this came to my mind today, I have no clue - just that I woke up and decided that I needed to settle my postgrad (again) permanently. Either I continue doing Psychology, or change entirely into real estate. I have a Letter of Offer sitting on my desk at home, a 2nd postponement. Perhaps everything works according to timing. Perhaps I wanted to do this, but the time wasn't right.

On hindsight, had I started this programme in March, I would have failed this first semester, simply because my work took over my personal time, the past 6 months. The next starting block is almost here and I am half-walking, half-dragging myself there.

I wish I had a crystal ball to answer the question : Should I? or Should I Not?

So, before I go (for my vacation) - I guess it's inevitable that I do this to me.

Sometimes it's better to just give more respect to our vacation time. One should be happy to leave the madness, re-charge our batteries and take-off! Enjoy our time away as time we so deserve.

BUT then I'm me, before I go, I already started fretting.

Perhaps when GOD made me, he forget to install the programme "TAKE A BREAK"
Perhaps when GOD made me, he knew that the online dictionary wasn't installed either, so I couldn't understand the word "REST".

I don't just need new parts, having hit 40, I need an overhaul!

White

White has never been my favourite colour for walls in the house. I always felt that it was too bright - had no character - too common a colour. Of course, we know that white is no longer just white. There is bluebell white, lily white and so on....I picked one with a slight tinge of yellow. A bit whiter than magnolia, which was my initial choice.
It's that time of the year when I do stock taking of my life and start major moves...yes, it's THE BIRTHDAY season. I've always been a bit strange - people paint walls before christmas or the new year, but I do it during my birthday season. Perhaps, I have chosen white this year because my life is so rushed and busy that I need good 'headlamps', lest I start walking into walls.
I think white is a high maintenance colour - but after orange, yellow, and powder blue - white may just be it. I have too many wooden furniture and colourful rugs that need some balance. Right now my home is cosy, dim lights - all warm white, but having painted one major wall white, the change is really surprising. Perhaps, white would just be ordinary, if there isn't anything more interesting on the floor - my floors & skirting are parquet which probably helps a great deal to balance the colour.
This weekend, it's off to the shops for fresh rugs - plain ones too - somehow, I think I need simplicity in all this madness - I would love a white rug - but hell, with 2 black cats and one green parrot - I better pass on the white rug - that is experience talking!

A state of mind

When a person says, Hey I'm happy. Is that a state of mind? Just how do we define happy or unhappy?
I may be a good example since I'm so neutral in my external persona that although I may emit unhappy signals, internally, it's just the opposite. Remember times in playschool when teachers tell kids, "show me a happy face!" - the kids will then smile and laugh. If it was "show me a sad face" - the kids would frown and pretend to cry. Apply that idea and the concept will come through clearly.
We may be unhappy with the general state of things, but it doesn't have to mean that we are unhappy with our lives. It's 2 different things.
For a start, the general state of things may not be in our direct control - there are other factors to take into consideration. Our lives are a different thing. It IS in our direct control and although there are a few splinters here and there, we are capable of still being happy with it.
That's why, happiness or unhappiness IS a state of mind.
We choose to float at the level we wish to, at that moment.
Because of that, it's not necessarily the actual state of mind.
Perhaps that's why I'm an introvert - I'd rather just let myself know my state of mind. For me, that state belongs to me - and sometimes, sharing that is just too precious.
Next time someone says - I'm unhappy and they are almost as complicated a person as I am, think again.
It's never just that.
It's always something else.

Men+Bulges doesn't = bonus

It's not that all men behave badly when their ego is bruised, but most. Working in a male dominated environment has proved that to be true, time and time again.
Take JC, a 41 year old agent, who joined us with aspirations to be a staff member. He put his dreams so far ahead of Decency that he started having disagreements with the rest of the team, male & female members. Because he was so focused on realising his dream, he forgot that in sales, targets are everything. When others began to outshine him in performance, he started to feel bitter and that was when he practised his brand of politics - by making snide remarks about others to the male permanent staff members.
I did one thing better than him - I asked him out for a meeting and offered him a face-saving way out of this - quit.
He had the cheek to ask me to ask my boss, if he could join the ad-hoc team as an agent. I simply told him that once out, there is no way onto the other boat. He claimed that it was unfair.
How was that unfair? If one cannot deliver the results on this side, it would be the same on the other side. BUT then, I remember that his ego has been bruised, so he thought jumping to the other side of the fence would save him face. So I responded in that, when people leave, they leave, because there is such a thing as saving face.
Of course he's not going to admit that he failed to perform.
Of course it's because I am a woman and it's difficult to work with me.
Of course he's the one who gets on with everyone else.
Of course he told a male colleague that "looks like you & me are no longer her blue-eyed boy".

What I'm trying to figure out is, since when were they my blue-eyed boys?
Gosh, talk about the male ego gone wrong!

That's the weakness of men.
Slam them and it's because we are women, NEVER because we are doing a better job.
Perhaps 2 extra danglings and a phallus makes them think they can stick it to anyone - well, wrong person.
I would rather live with a dildo than a man who thinks that the bulge they have is bonus.
For me, bonuses comes in DOLLARS, everything else is a problem.

a matter of ethics?

I was at my clients place, supervising some repair work, when an agent friend brought another agent and her buyer to view the unit. I never communicated with the buyer. The agents were negotiating with me, but they couldn't bring the buyer close enough to my base price.
2 days later, i received a call from a buyer who informed me that he came to know I was selling the unit.
After another 4 days - we settled the price.

I know it's the same buyer - because I have dealt with him years ago with another agent.

Honesty would have me at least pay an agent a referral fee at least.
BUT looking at the situation, I don't really have to since I didn't call the buyer. The buyer went to lengths to locate my number.
My boss thinks there is no referral fee required.

Is this really a matter of ethics?
I think so, because this industry is already loaded with jokers, we need some level of professionalism.

Living beyond 85

It never occured to me that I would be alive at age 85. Lately, I have been thinking about it, because our government here is about to implement some compulsory annuity for our old age. To me, hitting 60 is already old.
I'm just wondering if there are any statistics to show that for those born in the 60s, there is a huge percentage that lives beyond 85 years. The reason why I'm asking this is, I know of some people, born in the 50s, who have already perished, even before the age 60 marker. Perhaps, it's pollution, lifestyle, etc that has caused this 'premature' return to the happy hunting grounds.
Given a choice, I would not like to live till 85 even, simply because, what is the quality of life that I would have left to enjoy? My body probably wouldn't work even 1/3 as well - moving around would be slow and tiring - not something for someone like me to want to endure. Imagine, answering the call of nature would be like going to work! All this is great provided we do not accidently take a fall - because at that age, our bones are more brittle and breakage means, it's broken and the best was a wobbly fix.
I don't admire people who live that long - because there must be a lot of pain they remember - I'm sure not all of us have lives we desire to re-live, over and over again.
Just because a few manage to live this long - doesn't mean, the current working population will. We smoke, we drink, we keep late nights, unhealthy habits - the polluted air that we breathe already changes the chemical balance of the body.
I don't think many of us, will hit that marker - yet we probably have to subscribe to some insurance policy, which our living families cannot even claim.
It's almost like a donation to a new community chest.
Yet, I wouldn't be surprised that when those few hit 85 years, they may have to show some proof that they can claim on the annuity!

I, I, and I

I always had the belief that there is some honesty and goodness in people - but lately, I have been faced with nothing but the sad truth that people are basically selfish and lazy.
Perhaps the material rat race is the cause, but then that could just be an excuse for a world that has just gone bad.
Do we need disasters before we render assistance?
Perhaps so, that's why we're probably seeing such frequency in it's occurance. On a regular day, people go around bullying others, flaunt their ego shamelessly and be a nuisance to others.
Of course there are those who capitalise on disasters - try to make a quick buck or just pseudo-helping.
I do not know where to begin looking for a ray of sunshine because it's seemingly too late.
It may be too late to start over - because the poison has seeped into the core of the human being - somewhat like the virus - it replicates and passes itself on.
We rush through the day - with one thought - I, I, I

Tremors or what?

This morning was the first time I felt Tremors. I was having a coffee before going up to the building. As if it crept up on me, I felt dizzy. When that happens, most people would think, we are probably not well - I did that too for a bit. I uncrossed my legs, watched my coffee cup and then my mind stopped swaying. The entire body didn't sway, just the vision.
Only then, did I realise it was Tremors, and not me being ill - which was a relief, since I had a string of appointments today.
Someone sitting behind me had a call, supposedly from his colleague, who told him the water tank shook! I was relieved it wasn't my over active imagination.
Then I walked to my office building only to find everyone at the ground floor!
The last time this happened i.e. building evacuation, I was out of the office.
At least it was a tiny experience for me....
I didn't bother to wait downstairs - went up to the 18th floor, and our receptionist told me, the plants were swaying minutes ago. Walked into my department's area and found some of my colleagues still at their desks. How typically Singaporean is that?
We are so confident in our Building Authority and their guidelines that we choose to continue working in a high-rise with a shaky ground! I don't know if that's KUDOs or not.

Time Away

Vacations are great, especially when it's just a vacation for oneself.
I usually hate to travel because I don't like empty dark rooms, but then, it does give me a sense of peace to be alone.
There is no space in my life, when I am completely alone - away from chores or noise of any sort. I find that at times like that, I am able to recharge and engage myself in what I want to do. It may be selfish to think that, but I've always been very much a loner. Just because I am able to hold a conversation, doesn't mean that I am sociable - it's what I do - talk to people -
I'm looking forward to my upcoming trip - short though, but one that is timely. I'm actually at my wits end - not having some alone time for months.
Life is such a rush - we need to take some time out - of course, it's not everyone's cuppa, but it does wonders - that's how they coined the spa - people go there to be alone - in quiet silence.
Unfortunately, my quiet silence is not like the spa at all - I may just wilt to death with nothing but the sound of crickets.....my equivalent of quiet silence is the solitude of my own company.

Poking your Nose where it doesn't belong

There will always be some people who think they are better than most in all areas of their life. Most times, it's true only in their state of mind.
For such people, the only way to make them stop, is to put them in their rightful place.
Such people are usually the ones who are in the business of 'carrying balls'.
They have the need to think they are being everyone's friend - ever ready to butt in, even when there are no cries for help.

For regular people, this is really annoying because what happened to good ole sincerity - in these people's books, they are sincere, so we, are probably the ones who need a head-check.

These people usually are not performers - they just live off other people's energies hoping that some will brush off them. They do not realise that the road to the top is much shorter if you did the climb yourself.

Whenever we are, it's important that we recognise our abilities and work within those boundaries. It's good to have a goal in our endeavour, but let's make that realistic - i.e. aim for something within our ability - not someone elses -

Don't be patronising, because it conveys itself as being one without our own identity.
And stay out of friendship politics, because, we are not running for public office.

I have been wondering how such people survive. Well, they survive only because some people allow them this space to spread their virus.
Cut out the breeding place and our work environment will be more conducive for the majority of us, who work for credit that is due, and not one that robbed.

A million smiles for a million reasons

When does one smile a million smiles? One may think, it must be for a million reasons.
BUT not necessarily so, because sometimes, all you need is one shared moment, to keep that smile on, for days on end.

For the many tedious and trying times, there will be one special second, when our heart skips a beat. That fleeting second brings with it warmth, laughter and gratefulness....it may be faster than a blink of an eye, but it lasts many moments afterwards.

Having lived a very difficult, traumatic, very alone life, such moments are very valuable to me.
I treasure it, more than my love for shoes!

If we have many of such moments deep in our pockets, we can take them out anytime and remember them....and so, from one smiling moment, it relives to become a million smiles for a million reasons - or so everyone would think.

when help becomes a task

What happens when expectations supercede responsibilities? Well, for me at least, the best is to keep quiet.

One of my bosses was screaming today, because some paperwork was delayed in getting to the lawyers. Actually, this simple forwarding is not even part of our department's job scope. We are just doing it because we had been asked to assist.

But at what point did 'assist' become 'responsibility'?
Frankly, we all think brotherhood and 'help, all the way to the bank'....but for how long and since when did 'help' encompass a deadline? Times like this, I think it's better to just stick to what we can do and what we should not do, in this case, be like some kind of high paying administrative back-up.

I wouldn't have minded at all, if my boss said anything other than "but I thought you guys got it all covered""how to entrust you guys to do work like that".
Well, I think entrust is a harsh word, considering it's not even on contract that we were obliged to comply with this request.

Talk about over helping.
to make it worse, he made it seem like it was us who wanted to help, not them who seeked help.

Bottom line: Let's just do what is within our scope, forget the 'help' - because the 'help' will become a task.

shattered glasses

My lecturer told my Psych class before that Psychologists look at the world with rose-tinted glasses. Many times I have wondered if that is true.

If anything at all, I have grown to be a person who saw the world through shattered glass, not rose-tinted. Perhaps a lot had to do with our childhood, our lives in the past.

If I ever had to describe myself, the adjective 'happy' would never be used. I have reached ground zero, where I exist and just draw energy from everywhere else. Thinking deeper, I have never been 'happy' to a point where I would recollect that moment, now and then.

I have a lot to be thankful for, like the success in my work and whatever I undertake. That doesn't come without minor 'heart attacks' but perhaps that's what drives me to wake up each day and bask in the sunshine. If I go along the same lines as my lecturer, we all know that Psych majors are a wreck - the better, the more screwed up.

Of course, no one knows that - because as we have been trained to patch up a situation, we use the same tools to ignore ours - and we do a damn good job too.

So, if there was a rose-tinted pair of glasses, I'm sure none was assigned to me when I graduated.

Going Back and Forth

It's amazing how friendships and relationships can regress or progress. I guess a lot has got to do with the current circumstances. Nobody likes to be in a situation where it's a one way street. Neither does anyone like to know they are being misled. The worst would be when no support is given whatsoever, and it's a give, give, give situation.
Trouble is, we all have a heart which hates to feel broken yet when we have committed to some kind of relationship, there will always be this tendency for it to chip. After many years, the chip becomes a huge piece that have fallen out and then one day, it will just crack away, and no amount of super glue can mend it. Even if some miracle glue is invented, the heart will and can never be as solid as before.
Many of us are in this pickle of a situation.
We need to be held, and reassured.
Yet, we know when we open ourselves to that need, we open ourselves to being wounded.
AND so, because of this, we go back and forth between giving and not giving, caring and not caring.
Where is the 'taking' ?
See, when we care so much, we seldom bother about taking anything.
That's why when we are so cracked up, we are left empty.
Replenishment of stock is so important.
*sigh