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June 27, 2008

to stay or not to stay

Why do people stay on in unhelpful relationships? I will not use the word 'bad' because in relationships, people are either helpful or not - i.e. we either become better people or we stagnate. Relationships are about growth.

There was mention somewhere that it could be the old bedroom slippers syndrome but there is always more to it than just that. The very basic explanation is also helplessness - like when women stay on in abusive relationships.

I think that the fear of change is what we all dread. Before things can get better, it has to get worse. That's logic. There is also another saying about when you're at the bottom, the only other way is up. No one likes change - that word implies so many unknowns - like in math, don't we hate algebra, where we had to find the value of an unknown or two?

People like to deal with what they know or are aware of.
It's the devil and the deep blue sea syndrome - if you choose devil, your expectation is some horned wicked creature. As for the deep blue sea - we don't really know what's below a certain depth - what's below the safe level before we get nitrogen poisoning.

Change is not a comfortable thing - it upsets schedules - it rearranges everything we have known for sure in our lives. But sometimes, we need to make such changes to move forward. It may not help when we are almost alone with no family support, but if it has to be done, it has to be done.
I say that because this is the situation I'm in.
Do I stay and tolerate life or do I make a change and live life?
Do I stay because it's the less stressful choice or should I just disrupt everything and think for myself.

June 26, 2008

Corporate bull

My ex-colleague called me yesterday telling me that there were people trying to reach me about some loose ends. Strange thing is, I don't have any missed calls from their office, neither did anyone sms me asking for a return call. On that account, they concluded that I left things in a mess.

Those same people are the ones who could stay on working there, in that environment, year after year after year. To me that's not loyalty - it's about not having any better options. Such people externalise so much that only they can do no wrong. When they don't understand something, it's never because they did not take interest when I was there (leaving me to do it all by myself), but because I never transferred the work to them before I left.

They then complain that they had to chase another corporate client for money so they couldn't do their own work. Imagine that, with 8 work hours in a day - making one extra phone call caused them to stop dead in their tracks in their own work. That is so lame and inefficient - no wonder all the better ones left before me - some barely surviving half as long as I.

That's what huge companies are about - they look good in their swanky offices but all the hired help are not quite as efficient as the decor in the reception area.

Thank god I'm gone from all this bull - I may not have a fixed income every month, but I have my freedom of speech and action - in my line of work, that's critical - some occupations are great when they are in huge packages like social services, insurance, retail, for example, but for real estate sales, it's a different ball game....one can be huge and successful only when you actually dirty your hands to do the job and not be a mail-box, passing emails & work around the spurs.

I'm really glad I've moved on - should have done it much earlier though - but again, anything that happens has a reason and a time.

June 25, 2008

skeletons in the closet

There is an interesting question - about skeletons in the closet. I'm sure many of us have some odd bone here and there - bones we do not want to ever look at again lest it brings awful memories. Most times, these bones never get discovered unless luck runs out on you.



Given this situation where after 35 years at least, you meet with old friends from the same kampong. Then people start talking about who's doing what - and reminisce on the good ole days. Then comes gossip about everyone's closet. Then comes the talk that someone's kid got pregnant and they had to send her away, but later registered that same child as their own child when it's actually their grandchild.

In this day and age, I would think that it's not possible to make such a declaration which is not just a simple lie - how could it have happened?

BUT the problem is not whether they paid their way out of their embarassing situation, but what happened to the seed sower? I'm sure there have been many similar situations where teenagers get caught like this - but to have covered this up so very well is something to talk about - although, if they did a damn good job, we must be better, since we found the bones.

Are people able to walk away from an unwed mother-to-be and get on with their lives like nothing happened, and not ever talk about it? Yup. Many do. Who should have been told of such information? I don't think anyone would appreciate finding out the ugly truth at the funeral.

I think relationships are all about putting things on the table - we all make mistakes - we move on. We cannot sweep it under the rug and hope for the best, because two wrongs don't make a right. First wrong - you walked away, shrugged your responsibilities. Second wrong - you didn't come clean with it in your subsequent relationships.
It does not equate to even half a Right.

June 24, 2008

consideration (again)

I am at my wits end.
I seem to be the only person in my household that runs with deadlines and schedules. It must be heaven, to just be oblivious to the entire revolving world. My housemate doesn't seem to have a problem with any problems that crop up, simply because he's lazy and just cannot be bothered. So I have turned on my ignore mode again. It won't be long more before I actually have a massive explosion and form another Lake Toba, after killing everything in my path.

It's only right, to offer assistance when we think it's appropriate to step in. It's being human.
How could one person watch another do everything and just sit and watch TV?
I have heard of women trapping men by having kids, but the reverse is certainly very rare.
For every problem there is a solution and mine is not about to go in that direction.

Relationships are about tending.
You need simple tools for that.
CONSIDERATION, CONSIDERATION, CONSIDERATION

June 16, 2008

remodelling

It's one day before my dreaded exams, after too many years and I'm pretty messed up. I do not detest exams, in fact I don't have any adverse reactions about it. Generally, I prepare well for exams although that doesn't correlate directly with the eventual grade - but I have usually been accurate in my expectations based on how much of work i have put in.

This time around, there are just too many variables for me to manage this added stress. I have a teenager who tries to escape doing his revision when I get caught up with my reading. I have housework that doesn't get done because the expectation is for me to do them, since I'm not employed full-time. Not that there is anyone else in my household that works to contribute to the household income.

Therefore, I guess it's understandable that I'm pretty much disheveled and upset - no one else to blame but myself, since I put myself in this situation. Yes, that's an example of a high internal locus of control - so I shall very soon attempt to set this right - once I clear my paper tomorrow.

The worse thing about being a person is when you know what's wrong but you also know that fixing it is similar to giving the house an entire remodel - which may take months, years to complete - and so, to actually decide on a start-date is quite tricky.

I know it's 'cleaning house' time, and clean the house I shall.
I shall draw out plans tomorrow, after my 3-hour paper.

June 15, 2008

excuse or not

Is there such a thing as giving an excuse for not making a drastic decision?

It would depend very much upon how life changing such a decision would result in.
If it's a matter of not wanting to decide on a place to have lunch, then it's probably an excuse - we could have chosen not to volunteer a place out of politeness or consideration for another person's preferences.
If it's a matter which will affect another person, then I think taking time to consider and re-consider before actually deciding, is not making an excuse.

I have always recited this mantra that if a hand is bad, chop it off.
If a person is everything bad, then walk away - I don't believe in second chances because after time on this earth, a person's selfish state will become his underlying trait. Practice makes perfect - so when you are constantly selfish, it eventually ingrains itself into the personality make-up.

I have been in this state of limbo, for a very long time - more than 4 years - of deciding.
The reason I have been so delayed in executing this decision is because the ripple effect is going to be enormous - almost close to a tsunami. So, it's not that I have not made a decision - I have simply delayed the execution verbally, but on the technicalities, it's been done.

So, although we seem to be giving an excuse - we may actually not be doing that at all.
If there is one thing I have learnt in my life, is to be diplomatic and professional - but the end result is the same - it's just that I prefer a less confronting delivery.

Therefore, sometimes when we think a person is giving an excuse, we should think about whether it is really an excuse or just buying of time before it is verbalised.

June 14, 2008

gut feel

The funny thing about having a 'gut feel' about anything is, it sometimes carries a measure of truth. For me, my 'gut feel' is always correct.
My gf was very concerned about my situation, knowing very well that the burden of my entire household is upon my shoulders. She has also asked me, why I had extra furniture since it's not even being used. I have answered this question many times before, to the handful of very good friends that I have. My answer is always the same - I am extremely patient because it is required of me. BUT there will come a time, when I am exhausted and so, that's when no logical/valid or sympathetic reason will be enough to keep me from throwing in the towel.
Whatever decisions we make in our life, we must take time to weigh the consequences - to start afresh is the least of anyone's troubles - it's the upsetting of another young life that we must give grave considerations to.
That's why my patience seem to be unlimited. BUT it's really not. I have learnt to ignore whatever that's causing me indigestion for the good of another - and that is my responsibility which I am taking, very seriously.
My gut feel tells me that there is something I should look into - in terms of why a person does not seem to be a little bit anxious about any bills - that there might be a possibility that he wants me to be financially burdened - it's extra because of my postgrad programme - so that I will stop my learning. And so I did. I'm right. The reason may not be accurate, but I am right - the objective to burden me is spot on.
So, I have decided that this is the final straw of his having any hope that he's on the way out of my life.

June 13, 2008

people can be so strange

I think there are some people who just cannot adjust to the fact that there are people like me, who will just cut to the chase, get to the point with no empathy, if that means setting things right. To compound it, I have no confidence issues, no matter who I am speaking to - because if you know your stuff, what is the worry.

Today, I realise that I have almost totally reverted to my person, before my marketing stint. When I first walked into this industry, after years in social services, it was difficult. My first boss used to tell me....'you are not in social services' - because in marketing, everything had a price. It was my mantra for almost a year. Now, some 6/7 years later, I struggled to convert that thinking to align it with my academic major. I started this post-grad program lost - worse than trying to understand the LOST series.

A week of continuous reading must have really screwed my brains back in the correct alignment because of the non-verbal cues I picked up at a meeting. Strange thing is, this person seemed so insecure that I was wondering why he hasn't seen a shrink yet. He has so many unresolved issues within himself that looking and talking to me, probably brought that out.

I thought it over and felt that I will always be a misfit for some people - until my classmate called. That saved my day - same kind - no problems in relating stuff - no hang ups - just friends having a conversation - no need to tolerate another person's insecurity - i could be me.

AND so, we should remember that whatever the GPA, we are still regular people, who put in a lot of work to get ourselves labelled. A grade is a grade, it's nothing more than a ticket to another paper chase of our choosing. BUT we are still people who can function outside the text.

June 12, 2008

taking on more

It has finally dawned on me that it's difficult to actually find enough time to do a decent read. When I was working 9 - 6pm, it was impossible to even try an indecent read. Now that time is technically my own, it's not any easier, because I'm technically still working, just that I don't have a fix work-time. On top of all that, there are my household commitments, which is never-ending. Busy enough as I am, I still don't feel too busy to take on 'projects' because this morning, I committed to do a 'project' part-time in the social services (0f course), refusing their offer of full time.
I really don't know what's the deal with me - that would mean extra commitment of my day's time - yet I didn't say no.
To be honest, I started reading this module late in the semester - trying to get used to the portal and all that - not really understanding the dynamics of it and where the uni posts stuff for us. It took us a good 5 weeks before we understood what was where. Next semester should be easier, since I got past that portal and have even found my reading list already. So perhaps that would bail me out a little, leaving me time to pack in 'little projects'.
It's great to keep busy - because it keeps our minds busy with tasks and challenges to meet.
I've finished most of what I have to read, and I can honestly say I have a much better understanding of the material - this may be one MCQ that I'm actually prepared for - yet it's not going to return me an A because I'm not error-free in my judgement of what's the more correct statement in a choice. It's dicey sometimes, play of words.
I should be happy that I got this much of data digested in a short time - but if this is not enough then next semester will have to be excellent to ensure I keep my academic record on track. Maybe I just need to be a little busier to get my competitive nature going - so I'm going to take on the extra task...that is crazy but then, I was never known to be anything other than that.

June 10, 2008

Second Best

I was reading something some person posted about aiming to be the best but if you don't make it then settle for second best.
DUH?

That's the trouble with a lot of people living here. Everything they do is for the experience.

My rationale is simple - set targets that are within your reach i.e. it shouldn't be a ridiculous one because then how would you ever do an evaluation and figure out what when wrong when the parameters were not properly set in the first place.

Such people will have tendencies to brag because they have protected themselves from actually facing reality - so whenever they fall short of their target, they will still feel good about themselves and probably will throw themselves a celebration party because they almost made it. AND because of this, they will never be achievers.

One part of me will give credit to such people for always being so unrealistic that when reality actually sinks in, they will miss the whole picture.
It protects them from the bad news. But the greater part of me wants to shake them so hard, they think they're in the quake zone.

Life is not a competition, it doesn't have to be. We should make plans, have goals and try to be good at what we do. BUT to look at a million dollar income earner and then hope to make 10% of that in your lifetime so that you can feel proud of yourself, is really pathetic.
I'd rather we just forget the entire competition and move on to other areas. That's why we have heats in races. You must first demonstrate the ability before you are selected to compete for best placings.

Jeez - that comment really annoyed me.

June 09, 2008

which date?

When you've been operating on tight schedules and live your life by schedules, it's like an itch u can't get at, when schedules don't fit.
I'm in this annoying situation where I'm trying to get myself to bkk. Forget that it's never easy to get the best available price for a morning flight, when u don't have too much to time to book ahead - to work around other parameters is nerve-wrecking.
There are people who would do the best they can - and they are probably better off. BUT ME?
No way. I am the type who will find the fit and I will not rest until it's done.

It doesn't make a difference to me, whether I fly budget or frills - but what time the plane lands is important. BUT to get that perfect timing, usually it's flying with frills - but when the flights are full on the required dates it pisses me off. I just do not land at night - i'm not a bat. Night time, is my nap time.
So I have to shift the dates - ah...then comes the tricky part, which date?
While I'm pretty much open, I need a room-mate who is available at that time too - because I do hate to be alone in a strange room. My overseas trips, vacation or work has always been traumatic and I end up coming home lagging behind in sleep. I could survive just hiding under the covers till daybreak, but why torture myself when I could actually drag someone along?
Which brings me back to the 'which date' syndrome because as with everyone, this very good pal has a schedule too.
By the time this other schedule gets firmed up, the preferred flights will be full again and I'll be back to square one.
This is not a huge problem - not even close to a crisis, but this is me we're talking about and I will squeeze a round peg into a square hole even if it kills me - but the task has to get done otherwise, it will stay on my priority list and nag me even in my sleep.

I think as functioning people, we need to get the job done but I think sometimes being me gives me added pressure. We don't have to be like this, like me, but because it's me we're talking about, it's easier said than done.

June 08, 2008

getting right down to it

There are times we can actually put all our attention into reading and there are other times when its' almost impossible. As recent as 1999, I could sit for hours at home or in the library just to make sure I finish my readings - Now, some 9 years later, it's like a curse. When I'm reading, my phone would go off - if not, I have to rush for an appointment so better not try to get too involved in reading, lest I run late. Perhaps I had help then, my househelp who has since returned to the Philippines to get married. Her kid is at least 6 years old now and starting school - LIKE ME!
And so people wonder why I even bother to do a postgrad program when I have too many things moving around me, like meteors and comets, waiting to crash land somewhere on my tired body.
I need some intellectual stimulation - I need my brain cells to be fired up - but oh, the batteries are so flat, I need to be in the sahara to get them charged up.
I'm sure many working adults who are as mad as I am, feel the same way - the fortunate some, will have some form of support - but for me, it's solo season - have always been. The main difference is, I have an academic reputation to maintain - see, it doesn't always pay to be on this roll and that roll because the expectations just too much - and even if the whole world doesn't care, I do and it matters to me - my academic ego.
Is there such a thing - YES THERE IS.
It's not about having to pay so much - so let's balance that with super grades - it's me.
So, let me end this blog, before I loose another precious few minutes of brain food.

June 07, 2008

Tick Tock

Does anyone ever wonder if time actually moves at a faster rate once we get to June? I think so, because I had such a hard time just seeing through the first 3 mths of 2008 and now, we're almost at mid-june...and soon it'll be christmas all over again.
I have this clock just outside my head, like an invisible bubble - it reminds me of what i have listed in my To-Do list and like those beep beep beep things people attach to their rear bumper, this clock does that the closer i get to my deadline, be it my annual visit to bkk or any kind of deadline that matters to me.
Right now, it's going TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK - because the countdown to my first exams after so many years has begun. I have not finished reading at all - not because i'm lazy, but because I don't have enough hours in a day - it's almost like time short-changed me!
Like today, I had to do marketing, cook....then wash the dog....then read...then reply emails for whatever that's about to erupt, feed kiddies....take a breather with bollywood, then clean up, gardening, cook again, read, check email again..and it's already past 10pm.
its' amazing, because whether i keep a real job (by that I mean be an employee with fixed work times) or not, it doesn't make a difference to my household chores. I have been hired permanently, regardless of whatever the situation maybe, to manage all that!
Solution?
Well, TICK TOCK TICK TOCK is also reminding me of my pilgrimage to bkk - that would definately buy me some time out of this wicked cycle....some much required time away to re-charge my sanity.

June 06, 2008

victims of circumstances?

Are we victims of our circumstances?
Reason I asked is simply because I have been thinking about whether we put ourselves in hot soup or that it's fate which brought us there.
As a person who respects a supreme being, commonly referred to as GOD, I still believe that we are very much victims of our circumstances.
I do not believe that families who struggle to make ends meet really enjoy being in that state - neither do I believe that families who have issues enjoy having them all the time.
I'm sure if they started their life on a fairer footing, things would work out for them overall - like being born with a silver spoon for instance, would automatically qualify them for the less rough ride.
We are allowed to choose if we prefer to be bastards or mother teresa - but circumstances would definately coax us into making the most of the situation, whatever it may be - we need to survive. Of course, if that meant causing ill or pain to another, then it's not just as simple as having chosen to be a bastard, coz that's wicked.

Circumstances can affect how we think when we are young, when our first schemas are being formed about our society and environment - and from that point on, it's going to either be positive or negative depending on how that schema gets edited along the way.
Scary isn't it?
BUT if you give it enough thought, it does make sense.

June 05, 2008

self-centeredness

There are some people who think collectively and some who are individualistic.
There is no good or bad - just that for anything that we are involved in, it's always more correct to balance everything out.
I have had first hand experience of a person who puts himself before anything else - and it is a trait that is consistent. Personality traits are rather consistent - they are relatively stable over time without intervention. So, are these people born like that or did something go wrong in how they developed?
It's difficult to be so self-centered in life - when one is single, you have your circle of friends to take cues from (sometimes). You tend to feel bad when you've upset them somewhat. When one is in a relationship, it's worse - because the other person can only tolerate a measure of self-centeredness.
Of all the negatives a person can express, self-centeredness is probably as bad as someone who is abusive. In an abusive person, the selfishness is expressed - but in self-centeredness, it's silent, but expressed in actions.
You would know how self-centered a person is when he decides that he has more problems which are more important than anything the household is going through.
There is no solution except to wait for a volcanic eruption, which will wipe this problem out permanently. For the selfish person, this will be a tantrum, for the person on the receiving end, this is overdue.
We should never let something rot, but sometimes, things just deserve to be put in the garbage.

June 03, 2008

switching roles

The countdown to my exams has begun and every sunrise is like a huge tick-tock in my head. One part of me knows that dedication is crucial, other part of me knows that the business still needs tending to. AND so we end up having to do what we always have to do - switching roles.

Its' amazing how much of things I could actually pack into a 'working day', eventhough I don't have to 'report' to work. It's tiring no doubt, but I'm functioning at my optimum capacity at this point in my life, more than I have done in quite a bit. The best part is not completing the day's task, because I always complete the task ; it's about doing a whole lot more, a whole lot better with half the stress. Money is also halved for now, but that's secondary, because it happens to everyone who starts a business.

It's challenging to read the text, search for parallels on the internet, make notes, review the text and then switch to whatever business enquiries the phone brings and go back to my text. In between all that, I managed to feed, clean and play with the kiddies, clean house, cook and render any help to my teenager in his revision, unwind with some piano playing, ending the day with another read on anything not related to my text.

It's okay to switch roles numerous times provided we maintain our identity clearly and not have them crossed. So, putting things into little labelled boxes, does help - it's not a disordered personality type but that of compulsively organised person. Just hop from box to box, following the labels, which are probably color-coded for easy referencing.
The best part of it all, sleep comes so easily.

June 02, 2008

A word, is a word

It's interesting to actually observe people, when it comes to sharing of money.
If a group makes an agreement to share some income, then it's only right for the income to be shared when it has been collected. No matter what happens after that agreement, it has to be honoured, after all, that's the reason for coming to any alliance.
I had a first hand encounter with someone who agreed then and after collection, decided that he didn't want to share, since that was some time ago. That irked me.
It's not that I had a share there, it was the 3 other people who did.

I felt that it was not gentlemanly. I felt that it was a matter of principle.
I blew my fuse.

Once such an agreement has been reached - it's wrong to backtrack, it's wrong to plea disagreement and basically, it tells on what kind of a lowlife you really are.

I know, the economy has gone downhill, but when we do that, we show that we are selfish and not a person who's word can be taken as the truth.

I basically told him that that deal was worth a hundred dollars or so to his colleagues and if he was going to shortchange them for such a small amount, then it would certainly be tough to include him in deals where the share runs into thousands, isn't it?

I didn't allow him to tell me otherwise, I just informed him that I expect the monies to be distributed to the rest; period.
We should honour our word. That's what makes us people with conscience and people with integrity. For those who don't believe in that, there's always karma, which when it catches up, isn't a pretty sight.