stop and look

What can be more beautiful than a solitary bird waddling about on a vacant land that's dense with vehicular traffic and buildings - nothing.

We speak of animals being pests and encroaching upon our turf, without realising that in fact, we, the humans, have gatecrashed on land that belonged to them first.

I was never really fascinated with birds before, simply because they would always fly off, even before you could admire their plumage. That is before I acquired birds and shared my home with them. The wonder of evolution - they can fly and if you ever get a chance to feel their wing, you would appreciate how it's 'built' different from the rest of their feathers. Flight wings are solid and densely packed and for some species, extremely attractive because of their colour.

But I do wonder why nature would have colourful wings on birds, when the human eye is not always able to look at it in awe. It's like saying, that there is no need to 'show off' at all. Perhaps it's about modesty too.

What we have, we tend to want to share that on a 'public' platform, but there is no necessity to. If we have it, we have it.

The birds have beautiful wings, yet they don't strut around with it extended at all - unless they are pitting against another bird and feeling endangered. So maybe we should do the same - there is not necessity to 'show our colour' unless provoked.

Whatever nature's reason, nature did it right.

You are not able to see beauty, until you stop and spend some time looking at it.

Most real things are not obvious - because it's never meant to be.

students will be students

The most surprising news I heard today was this: I wasn't the only one who requested for an extension. Best part of the news is : I am only doing this part-time whilst the rest are full-time students (in my group). That was unexpected, because I have always assumed that as full-time students they could devote almost all their time into research whilst us, part-time students are working and studying, we already started behind them.

Therefore, it's probably not a matter of whether we are full time or part time, because students will be students. We never devote sufficient time for school. Which is really our fault.

I could ask myself, where my priorities were - and the answer would be, in my work.

Or I could ask myself, why not delegate the work - well, some things just cannot be delegated, like PR - it's a personal touch.

Or I could ask myself, why I didn't start the data collecting prior to ethics - well, that would be unethical although I would have then been able to do my submission on time.

So, the clock is not just ticking now, it's going at warp speed, and i'm still on neutral gear - why, because it takes time for the engine to warm up. And it's no wonder we have this saying, Burning the midnight oil, because we students, NEVER learn, no matter how many times we go back to school.

The fresh tree arrives

The saga of the FRESH TREE FRESH START began today, the 24th of November.

I saw banners from last weekend selling the Noble Fir from $48 and it really didn't seem too expensive to 'buy' into a fresh start.

That was, of course, last week. Today, they were OUT of trees, except for 2 Nordman Firs, which is a bit more costly for the same height - What devastated me was the fact that, I obviously wasn't the only person who wanted a Fresh Tree for a Fresh Start - they told me another container will be arriving soon, without committing on a date - so I decided to get one, there and then....why leave my Fresh Start to chance?

But that is just the start of my problem. Never mind that I needed to get a base and had to read a brochure on 'care of live trees' - I had to move the furniture because 'he' had a wide base, as you can see. And the recommended type of lights are LED, because the bulbs don't get hot - and what do you know...I have just one set of LED - so OUT I went to get another, only to come home and find out, that with 2 sets of 88 LED lights, only 2/3 of the tree was covered as can be seen in the picture. Unbelievable.

I have not done the ornaments yet, because I need this tree to sit right i.e. he must be in the correct part of the living room - which I'm not convinced he is yet. But the fragrance of the fir, is divine....I have always wanted a fresh tree, all my life, but never actually got around to it, because I will always become all practical, telling me that I'll have to sweep up the dead pine leaves and it's expensive because it's for one time use only.

So, I suppose that's why the saying goes - no pain no gain and that if something is good, it's never easily obtained - which should translate to mean, I will be getting a really good fresh start...right?

quality of life

One of my gf, called to bitch about another gf who apparently moved to another location nearby (outside our little island) and validated her decision with a higher Quality of Life (QoL).

For people who do not care which soil the tree was on when the apple fell, an apple is an apple. And isn't milk from a cow, still milk if we do not care what the cow was grazing on?

Society is changing not because of better economy or new preferences, but because people read more and have obtained more information to assist them in how they wish to live. There are some who just eat organic food, because they feel it to be healthier all around. Vegetarians may or may not consume eggs, depending on how into non-meat they really are which again may depend upon their religious beliefs or just again, for health's sake.

So how do we measure QoL?

I think it's a personal thing - because there isn't a standard level - if we can afford to buy fresh milk for our consumption, it won't matter what the packaging is if QoL is about buying and drinking fresh milk.

A person with 10 handbags costing $20 each may feel that she is living it, yet another person with one bag costing $200 feels just the same. We can't say that the first person has a lower QoL or that the latter has a higher QoL.

I think if we can argue about QoL, then we are already doing fine and we should not use that to justify or validate anything.

For me, milk is milk - an orange is an orange. But whether the bag is leather or pvc would bother me. I am prepared to pay for a $30 lunch, but I would rather make lunch - no wastage and I could zest it up any way I please in the quantity that I can consume.

At the end of the day, it's not QoL that matters, but whether we are living our life the way that makes us want to wake up and do it all over again the next day.

Is time money?

Things never work out the way we hope - even in something as simple as scheduling - there is always something that is more important than we have planned, either penned or kept in mind.

For the past weeks, I have been extremely busy with work, leaving me time in the evening to just unwind and breathe. Even as a multi-tasker, I need breathing time before jumping into a non-work related task like study. Work can pack itself in like sardines and it wouldn't affect me one bit because my work life has always been 'on the feet' kind of thing - it doesn't matter if it's in social services or business environment - this kind of work gets itself attracted to me.

Perhaps that's just how I have lived my life so much so, whether conscious or not, i have built my career and interest only in fields requiring intensity - failing which I would probably change jobs. I have not discounted that thought, because it's not possible to always be in a rush by default.

People, business people always say TIME IS MONEY - and for that reason we make TIME valuable by adding stuff to the second. If this has been drummed into my head from my early 20s, it's no wonder I am not able to even have a vacation without dreaming of work.

I am not a real Type A personality - I may have some traits but I am sure, I am not a true type A which is why it bothers me when I'm getting too anxious sometimes like Type As. I was probably born a Type B but got bulldozed into the A classification because TIME IS MONEY.

Perhaps I'll just do an assessment and see what the result says.

There has to be more to me than a perpetual rush.

There must be some hope for me, if I ever want to be able to stop and smell the roses for a second.

square peg round hole

Did anyone ever wonder, where one learns how to connect the wires to a plug? Interestingly, we all assume that all electrical sockets are just 12 amps. But today, I came across 2 x 15 amp sockets.

What stumped me was when no one seem to have a clue of how to then connect the washer/dryer for use when we clearly had a square 'peg' and a round 'hole' situation. The first thing that came to my mind was to find a workable solution, by that it means something less expensive (calling an electrician was not inexpensive) and a solution that is almost instant like an adapter - but when in district 9, where does one find a hardware shop which won't charge you an arm and a leg for a simple adapter?

And so, I had to go to the nearest 'local' street store some 10 mins away by car. Believe it or not, solving this wasn't easy - no one sold a square to round adapter until the third shop who suggested that I just change the square plug to a round one - which is a great idea, except that, I have never attempted such a feat before. The shopkeeper was really kind, told me it's colour coded, like it would help an nonelectrical oriented me. And to make things worse, my colleague had no clue either and for an owner of a car, he certainly didn't drive around with a tool box containing a basic screwdriver.

We take many things for granted, like that every electrical appliance will come like the computer gadgets, plug and play. There is no moral of the story here - whether you are in a skirt or not, tenants assume you know how to change the plug.

1,2 and what if it's 3

I have been going back to basics and back reading. I felt that sometimes, when we feel stuck, we should go back to basics - recover, refresh and perhaps it will orientate writing.

It started when I was trying to find a term - for weeks, I couldn't remember the word in psych jargon. It wasn't important even for my paper, but somewhere whilst mind-mapping, I couldn't bridge 2 roads because this word just vanished from my memory bank.

When it did sort of return, I wasn't even sure if it was the correct term - which meant, I had to go back to reading, not just reading one text, but a lot of it, since I couldn't recall, which part of Psych it came from.

Perhaps that's how things should be - back to basics. It's from the basics that gives us the foundation to read further and understand deeper. Yet, the word I was searching for wasn't even this serious - it was a very very basic psych term. That could mean either of 2 things:

FIRST

I have 'left' Psych for too long and my brains are wired for business now.

SECOND

There never really was a term.

I am still believing that it's the FIRST reason, yet as I plough the textbooks, I'm beginning to think it's the SECOND.

Until I find it, I will assume it's the FIRST and if it turns out to the be SECOND, then I think a THIRD reason will be more appropriate.

THIRD

I'm so lacking in confidence to do a good paper that I am sure it's my fault, no matter what.

Just Trust

Someone asked me if it's possible for 'regular' professionals like us, to trade ourselves for extra cash and if the idea is appalling.

Well, I do not find the age-old profession of body-trading appalling, in fact I find it very lucrative and I do understand why some are compelled to do so - but when we have other options and an otherwise a decent life, why compete with others, who probably have a more valid reason to do so.

When we are in a relationship, it's important to stay true to each other. When we do that, we are able to figure out what's wrong in that relationship and make the correct decision to rectify our discomfort or dissatisfaction. Forget about the male having an ego and will not be able to handle his woman sleeping around - think about what that will do to us, at the deepest level. We will not be able, henceforth, to look at the relationship squarely and say we didn't contribute to it's failure, because the minute we two-time, we give up our right to expect better.

For the many uncompromising traits that I have - the one thing I can say is, I'm a one man woman - I do not start hunting until I have cooked, eaten and spat out the bones of my last dish. It doesn't mean that I am faithful - it's got nothing to do with that - it's about fidelity - it's got nothing to do with taking an oath but sincerity to the person I am committed to, either legally or not.

Commitment to me, is about the physical relationship.

Nothing else matters - a guy could send me a zillion emails or take me out for too many lunches - but he would not be able to cross that line.

A guy could be my very good friend, but he would not be able to get me out to a dinner date - lunch is as good as it gets.

These are boundaries I set for myself - because I am volatile and need markers to let me know where I am, with my current commitment.

As a teacher wrote on my testimonial - I'm conscientious, diligent - she's right.

If I could pass a marker, then I know my current relationship is in trouble and if that is not alarming enough and I move toward the next marker, then I know it's best the current relationship ended.

There isn't a better person for us, but there is a better fit for us.

No one is perfect and no relationship can be perfect. The flaws would either bother us, or allow us to compromise. If it's neither, then our markers will not be within reach.

Nothing wrong with sleeping around - if we like to think of ourselves as commodities which could be bought at anyone's whims. I may be many things, but whoever I'm seeing, will always be assured that he is the only one - even when i don't see him often and we do not have a relationship that is spelt out - it's not necessary just to label something, because the socially requires it to be.

It's enough for me to know and enough for him to know.

THAT is being in a relationship. Not marriage or engagement. Just trust.

Pets are better to have

The trouble with my not having empathy becomes unbelievable when it comes to animals.

I am sure there are a few, if not many, who are like me, which makes it confusing for Psychology.

Studies have often tried to link and some have linked violence to animals as an indication for a tendency to do the same toward humans. But when we change it to positive attributes like in this case, it doesn't balance.

I know many animal rescue people who have zero patience with people - and people who prefer the company of animals than humans and for while now, it's been a curiosity which is eating me.

I will not say that in my case, it's compensating, because I have enough work and stress to keep me too busy to even try to compensate for anything - most times, my compensating behaviour for any shortfalls from humanistic relationships come in the form of computer games and DVD sessions. Pets take us huge chunks of time in terms of housekeeping - they shed either fur, hair or feathers and need their potty areas cleaned twice daily and they too, need their regular spa baths.

And when they are unwell, it's like minding a baby because animals can't talk and tell you what's wrong or where they hurt - different from having a buddy - who can call you up and have a conversation where ideas and feelings are shared, which is why having empathy for animals and almost none for humans cannot be seen as compensating - it doesn't balance. Animals are not able to substitute for a human companion, simply because they take more than they give.

Yet animal people like myself will tell you that it's okay for them to take more than they can give, because the little they can give, they give wholeheartedly and sincerely - which means a whole lot more than the half-baked comments or ideas that friends sometimes share.

So on the one hand, it's impossible to balance the equation, but on the other hand it makes enough sense for me to say, the few years that a cat or dog shares with you, can be more heart-wrenching than the 20 years you shared with a spouse when the pet passes on. At least I can honestly say that it applies to my last marriage. I hurt more and for longer, when my 15 year old cat died than when my marriage legally ended. And all my cat did was to keep me busy feeding him, washing him, and cleaning up after him.

How's that for strange?

Mountain tortoise in a slick city

We are definately at the home stretch. I was just looking into my organiser and realised just how fast November is going past. It may seem like it's just the 6th of November, just a week into the month, but as I'm booking appts over the next 2 weeks, it's really not looking like November would last for too long.

When time flies, we grumble - when time is sluggish, we grumble.

It seems like time can never be totally tuned to our current comfort level.

I need some time to organise my data, and I'm beginning to realise that I'm fast running out of it, because I'm working every day. Work is always good and we should never complain, but this last lap is really testing. Although I would like to be diligent and keep writing daily, it's impossible after a long day of negotiations, floodings and pacifying people. My brains are too tired and I'm only good for replying emails and updating this blog - afterwhich it's time to unwind with my MIO TV serials.

It's correct to say, that graduate school and work, just don't work out that well. It's not that I'm going to give up, I'm not - it's just that the kind of work I am engaged in, requires a lot of thinking, talking, putting things into the correct perspective and being tactful but accurate in the delivery.

I'm not unhappy just brain dead. It's been a long, hard, 3 weeks, talking to some people who are just not well-bred, people who are penny-pinching, people who have not been taught decent manners and those who take me for granted.

Everything concluded today well - so it's worth it, or is it?

It's definitely worthwhile economically, but psychologically, perhaps a bit too much of an overkill. When I am faced with such people, it's an auto-response for me to immediately figure out what's bugging them and why they are behaving in such a 'bad' way. I automatically analyse them and usually what I find isn't kosher, which IS the reason I had to bear the brunt of what I find to be either immature, insecure or put simply, a mountain tortoise trying to look slick on a city sidewalk.

People need to start accepting themselves with their limitations and stop trying to impress other people - it does nothing except make themselves look like a wasted silly person who's drunk on another persona - like wearing a shoe 2 sizes too large or squeezing your foot into a pair of shoes 2 sizes smaller. Or better still, put a Jaguar emblem on your non-Jaguar car.

If you're a mountain tortoise (sua-koo) and you openly acknowledge it, people will tend to be more helpful and less critical.

Just be yourself, there is nothing wrong with that.

Fresh Tree, fresh start

The end of the year brings joy for some, sadness for some and hope for others. We would like it to be a time for cheers and smiles - but in reality it's not the same for everyone.

As November inched forward, I remember being anxious that we are at the closing stages of 2009. It's tough to think so far ahead, especially when I'm not done crossing my crossroads yet. What I did, was to take a detoured route on the road I was on, which leads me back to the junction - I'm not sure if that is a longer or shorter detour, which doesn't matter, since I have gone past the initial crossing and now have stopped briefly to think - not all the alternative roads are visible yet - but some are.

This year, if I decide to put up a christmas tree, I may choose to get a new one - or a fresh tree - something I always wanted, but never got, because it wasn't practical - the fresh tree will shed and although my cats will have a field day, it will require extra housekeeping. Perhaps a fresh tree could mean a fresh start - and the wilting tree will remind me that if the race gets tired, then we can always choose to start fresh again - next christmas, with another fresh tree. Perhaps that's how christmas trees should be - not re-used.

Never thought about it that way, but it's never too late.

I need change - change is good - and the upside of a fresh tree is, you don't have to re-pack it into the box - you just throw it away - one less box to manage.

Imagine the fragrance of fresh pine - it's like waking up on the mountainside each day.

Since I don't make resolutions, the fresh tree will be symbolic - something that will mark the change that I have made in 2009, a change to give myself more respect so that I sleep better, work better and think better.

we have but ONE life

I used to be able to just work, work, work - without incident. But these days, work doesn't seem to be able to keep my mind from straying. The mind is such a complex machine that basic maintenance just won't cut it sometimes.

As I was telling my counselee yesterday, we compensate for everything that we find a shortfall from our ideal. The problem is never with being satisfied, when we are dealing with people who have minimal demands. Who are the people who have excessive personal demands? There will not be glaring numbers, nor will there be a way for anyone to actually find out because not many are able to come out and say that they are unhappy or dissatisfied. It's not an easy thing to grapple with and people rather think and believe that they are happy and satisfied.

For the ones who can readily admit to their less than ideal situation, it's kudos to them - because although they may not be society's ra-ra crowd, they will probably be the ones who can cope better than most under pressure, intense pressure. Logically, they have lived with personal pressures for so long that their coping skills have been tried and tested to work for them - these are the people who do not break that easily and these are the people who are likely to succeed in achieving their goal in the long run.

It would be perfect, if everyone could view such people that way, instead of classifying them as people who are not blending in, or people who are difficult, or people who dream.

It's always the majority wins. But in the race for living life, I think not. It's not the majority who will win but the few who choose to be different and who prefer not to be part of the human herd. We have one life - we must choose how we want to explore that one chance at living.

there isn't a best person

There are times when we feel very stuck and short-changed in our personal relationships - but feel unable to do anything about it except to beat ourselves up and get upset. My advice to anyone in that position is that, no one is perfect and there is no perfect match at all. Everyone in a relationship compromises, one way or the other - people who say they do not are not honest and sincere with themselves and the people around them.

When a relationship lasts it's not because it's not necessarily a soul-mate situation. It could just be that both are aware of each others limitations and have found ways to compensate - i.e. they dumped their dream of being happy in another area - perhaps their career, their children, whatever that makes sense to them. And that is enough to take them right till 'death do us part'.

We need to get real with life, because if we don't, we will find ourselves always unhappy and never able to understand why we chose this over that. I know, because my life was plagued with unhappiness, with my choice of relationship partners who never seem to understand that I do need to be cared for and that I deserve to be loved as much as anyone else on the street. That just because I'm able to look after myself, it doesn't mean that I don't need to feel helpless sometimes. We all need someone, yes we do, but when half our life is gone and we have no decent memories to tell us that there is hope for us, we may just believe that we are the exception - people who are best alone.

If I could live my life again, I would ensure that I do not expose myself to this magnitude of disappointments that makes me believe that I don't have the energy to try again - not something permanent like a marriage, but at least a permanent relationship which works both ways.

My counselee is young and already feeling disappointed and helpless - I wish I could tell her that the world isnt' like that, but if I did, I would be giving her false hope about love. But I do not want her to give up - she has 2/3 of her life left to live with laughter and warmth. Perhaps whatever mistake that I have made, I just wanted her not to make the same and make it better for her.

How does a person like me, so empty of empathy and emotion be this concerned?

Well, empathy is a state of being and emotions are personal - just because I use them to cope better, doesn't mean that they are missing in my heart and soul. I do not have anyone who is there for me, anytime that I need him to be - and even if he is here, I am not convinced that being this exposed is best for me - because when I hurt, I hurt for years.

So, there isn't a best person for us.

We just balance everything so that it makes sense to us and allows us to move forward.

It's not the ideal, but sometimes we have to live with the less than ideal, deal with it and then decide what to do.

Being detached

For the many times that I have given up on ever being truly happy, I have also resigned myself to the fact that it's just destiny that I get a reprieve now and then, only to be drawn back into the realm of being 'less than happy'. Is there a definate state of 'happy'?

I think not, because being happy, is a state of mind - some people are able to satisfy themselves a lot more easily than others and hence with far less demands on themselves can propel their state of being towards the 'happy' level.

I do not remember a time in my life when I was cruising at that level - not even when I was in school. There was always something that caused me some unease, dissatisfaction and no matter how minor, it affects me so much that the course i'm travelling on either re-routes or i'll just drop altitude and be just slightly 'happy'.

No one is born depressed - a child is difficult when we are not able to discipline the child towards social/familial norms but not depressed. Depression is a state of being - perhaps for some it's a comfy place to be in - because to be happy and then sad may just be too much for a person to cope with - it can be a traumatic change.

Perhaps I have chosen to remain coping and depressed, because people disappoint you all the time. And if one is already depressed (not clinical) then there won't be a cause to get really upset because we are already there and no amount of disappointments can rattle us - we have prepared ourselves to be let down, so to speak.

It's okay to not have high expectations of people and it's okay to just know that most will disappoint at the most unexpected moments - that is human nature and no matter how great we think a person is, they are not us, they do not know what is important to us and they will be the cause of our pain. And if we just exist with people, and have zero expectations, then they usually pass with flying colours.

So lonely is life when one is able to 'look' into a person and what that person really has to offer - which won't be really much if all the pressures in life were released at once.

For the few who live life like me - one day at a time, having no huge expectations from people and strive to do things ourselves - it's a quiet road we're travelling on - one devoid of crowds but at least it provides us solitude to reflect, appreciate the changing scenes and really keep ourselves from getting emotionally unstable.

It's not because such people do not have the ability to feel - it's because they are able to feel more than most which makes them choose to be like this - detached.

A sick mind

When we decide that a relationship is unbalanced and cruising on being parasitic in whichever area - we need to act immediately and end it - unless of course, we are content with being a doormat, always being trampled upon. For the many who believe that people do change and that we should be giving one second chance after another, and even when we hit the 100th milestone, the 101st attempt will be another second chance, let me burst your bubble and tell you that people cannot and do not change.

I started my sunday in a fit of anger because the person whom I was married to for 17 years, came into my room, took my bath towel and used it. When I confronted him, his reply was that the freshly laundered towels were not around, when in actual fact, it was in plain view - on the dining table for the respective owners to take it to their own wardrobes. Now, if we want to construct a lie, we should get the facts correct. I then asked, how so, when he dumped his stuff next to a pile of laundered linen which was in the same laundry cycle as the towels - to which he claimed that it wasn't there - implying that the fresh towels just appeared as I was having my first cup of coffee. Never mind that, he had to take my towel from my bathroom, since that was my recently laundered towel - I colour code the bath towels, just so it doesn't get mixed up.

Of course the argument went on and he started changing his story at every turn that he could - which didn't make things better, but just provided me an opportunity to relate to him why he is a failure at being a person - the reason : he tries to get away from being incorrect by saying he doesn't remember and that he would remember if it happened the way I said it did.

So I did him in. I have had enough of constant lies and forgetfulness. We may share a common living space, but my bedroom is my bedroom and no one has access or should access that space even if they were looking for GOD, without my permission. He is the lamest person I have ever come across and because I am no longer married to him, it makes it so much easier for me to rock the boat and watch it sink to the bottom of the deep blue sea. No qualms.

For years, I had to put up with all this - because I didn't want to create animosity just so my son will not be affected. Finally, I have the freedom to do so and it will be of no surprise to anyone present, simply because the reasons he was dumped was made known to my son very clearly.

I know a lot of my friends think I'm courting a cardiac arrest by allowing him to live here - I think that I will not want to be the one who puts a homeless person on the street - but I will not tolerate him trying to bully me just because I'm nice. I'm not nice - I can put up with inconveniences but it will run according to my rules. If he thinks he can slip up and get away with it, then he's very wrong - I do not tolerate slip ups of either Freudian or other natures.

I spelt it out clearly for him. I am not his wife to push around and even if I still were, it doesn't give him the right to do that either. It may be a small thing, using my towel, but to me, it's not because it's my towel and if I thought someone needed to use it, I would offer it, but I won't know unless someone asked me for one, which didn't happen. So I rest my case.

All because of a towel?

Actually no.

It's all because he could not be honest enough to say that he came into my room, into my bathroom, when I was asleep, to take the towel from my bathroom shelf when his freshly laundered towels were on the dining table. Sick? yes, very.