I know what I'm talking about

For this entire year, E was nagging because she felt that I was too lenient with my son, allowing him to game almost all day (from what she understood). She was too insistent saying that I'm spoiling my son and that she has seen her brother ruin her mothers life, thus justifying her concern.

Sure, I was concerned that my son may not be putting in the correct effort - for me, it isn't the quantity that mattered, but the quality - if he could make that hour work for him, it's good enough.

I didn't say much or do much, except to have conversations with my son about it regularly - and of course, I expressed my concern about how annoying it's become for me - simply because I allow him latitude as I do not think he's a person who is clueless about being responsible.

He received his results last friday and he did very well, for someone who games 6 hours a day after school. And if we went by grades, he returned 2As, 2Bs and a C for his best 5. Had this been the O-levels, my son would be on his way to college - but because it's not, this will perhaps confirm that I do know how to study and that I am right - I was chewing him up on how he was doing his Humanities and he sulked when i made him learn it, the way I want him to learn it. He got an A.

I haven't told my pessimistic gf about this because I'm waiting for her to call me, to ask.

If she was so sure, why did she not call, just to prove a point?

Fact that she is the only gf who hasn't called to ask, proves that she knows she's wrong.

I had squabbles with my son - because he was doing it all wrong....and much as I enjoy making him sweat for his prelims (which he did badly), it was for a purpose - I needed to prove my point. But I will never give him up for a national exam - because lessons are to be learnt without a high cost factor, if the cost factor is too high, then it's no longer a lesson, but a punishment.

He didn't do anything wrong, he's just lazy and my job, as his mother, is to be always correct when it came to his studies.

I think I did it right this time.

Is a B that bad?

We all know that we cannot turn back the hands of time.

I submitted my paper, on time, I cleared up my desk and filed everything away.

There was no looking back - I only had narrowed my options and was looking forward to the New Year before I acted upon it. That was when I thought I was done and my goose was cooked.

My professor sent me an email - to request for a phone call.

I did as I was told.

And that conversation, would be THE conversation that got me riding on the tip of the tornado.

I didn't know what I slammed against but the barrage of polite expletives was enough for me to actually keep silent. This was what was told to me.

How could you submit a paper when I haven't read the final version?

How could you submit a the other paper when I haven't even seen a draft on it?

Based on your last draft, that was worth a B, and it's not good enough.

It's difficult to work and study, but you could have asked for an extension instead of handing it in.

You need to sit yourself down and do nothing but your paper to get your A. Please retract your paper.

I was reluctant because I don't do retractions - but as the saying goes, there is always a first time.

So, to make sure I heeded the advice - i was officially informed that my paper will be retracted.

It may be an opportunity for me to make this right. I know it is, it's not a maybe but a definite thing because it's already in motion. And I am the reluctant passenger.

I still haven't unfiled everything - what I have done is, to watch videos, reels and reels of it.

Is a B that bad?

Seriously, I never thought it was, although I was an A student - because I'm a realist - work has to return As and if that meant getting Bs for school, then that was the order of the day.

BUT obviously, my professor thinks differently and for that, I am numbed on how to react.

make the best

Well, finally, the awaited day is here - the day I don't have to feel guilty because I didn't have time to continue working on my paper. I made the deadline. It wasn't a spectacular paper, but it was submitted on time.

The first thing I did was to organise all the articles, return books back to their place on the bookshelf and now my table doesn't even look like it's was the eye of the twister! Just one placement and i'm done.

Looking back, I wonder if a more aggressive and stubborn priority on my studies would have made me feel differently about where my academic standing could go. My insistence on doing this additional year was because I wanted to ensure that my basic degree is secured, because of the changes made for graduate school. I suppose better have it secured than leave it open and then find out that there is no way to fix it, simply because too many years would have gone by.

I can do two things now.

Finish my placement and then change my specialisation.

Or Finish my placement and pay to stay within reach of my specialisation. The one thing that will then separate me from doing what i want to do are fees.

We have barely 3 weeks to the new year and perhaps it's apt to think hard and make a decision. What I did for this programme was risky in that I didn't put in enough time and although my grades were in the upper Bs, it could have just been a waste of financial resources if I got thrown out. Looking back, a classmate contemplated withdrawing when a paper was ungraded.

I danced with this risk every time I attended to work first.

Anyways, it's done now and I can only look ahead and study my options.

There is no disappointment yet, but there is a tinge of hope in that, perhaps, it IS for the better.

How much better, is left to be seen.

Bottom line: we make the best of the situation - importantly, we understand how things got to where it got and take it from there.

It's not about being unrealistic, it's accepting what can be done with what we have and understanding why that is so.

The final countdown

This is not about the final countdown to the new year, but to my paper deadline. Sleep deprivation is really fascinating because it numbs your ability to actually feel discomfort. The entire 2 years (already!) saw me glued to my table often, not just because of work, but often it was because of school. When I finally printed out the research portion - 27 pages without references - there was a sense of relief that I got to print it before 2am. I'm not done yet - there is another half which I have completed but not reviewed as a final copy. I will move on to that shortly.

There is some sense of achievement, because I really didn't think I would make this deadline as all the data were very delayed and not having a clear hypothesis or topic did not make things better. I worked on the paper with a fuzzy outline of the topic but halfway through, the title just came together. It was about working in total silence, oblivious to my surroundings and a silent phone. For months, the exact topic was evasive to the annoyance of my supervisor.

I am just looking forward to tuesday, when this will all be over.

I started this project a year ago, if i counted the proposal, ethics application and a 6 week extension. Yet, I actually spent less than half the time working on it actively, since the life of a part-time student is punctuation with other responsibilities like work and cooking.

The next problem will be the issue of grades.

This is unfortunately not a paper written by a honours student simply because I lost my edge sometime ago, when I decided to stop studying and work. It was academic suicide but what had to be done, had to be done - I do have some measure of regret but I would be happy if I simply completed this task so that I could move along to the next conquest.

There is another placement which I need to fulfill before I could actually graduate (again), and that would be the next thing that will occupy me, at least for a month. Although it's a placement, there is a writing component, which is less academic but more reporting, therefore, I feel that it will not be a struggle as much as this was.

For the next 2 hours, I shall devote my line of vision to scrutinise the first half of this report, the review and hopefully, be able to send that to print as well.

I am glad the most difficult part is completed - and although it isn't my best piece of work and I am capable of returning a better piece, it will have to suffice because 2009 was the maddest year in my life.

Desperation, Personified

If anyone doesn't understand the meaning of the word DESPERATION, then I would be the personification of it.

As the clock ticks toward my deadline on monday, I find myself having less and less time - which is logical, as time waits for no man, and is constantly moving forward. And when i fear the worst - praying my damnest, that there will be no 'problems' on site today - the power tripped - so i lost a few hours - then i donated more hours in the kitchen to fix lunch and dinner for my son, after which it's laundry and basic housework (vacuum, mop, clean cages), more hours. Then it's Bollywood day - and I would have just walked away, but it was showing something I haven't watched before and with actresses and actors who are familiar - another 3 hours gone - afterwhich it's already nightfall and time to clear up the home again and myself, before the evening starts to wind down.

And because I was stuck somewhere in the Results section, I decided to spend more time away from my paper to recollect my thoughst, by posting this - which should leave me trying to sleep in the wee hours of the morning twice in a row.

Although I was working on my paper today in short bursts, I managed to set a tone and worded the hypothesis correctly - which only goes to show that I do work best under duress - BUT, we students never learn. I have said that before and I'm saying that now. As an adult I tell my son, please study, please do your work, don't leave things to the last minute - and here am I, a studying adult doing everything I tell my son not to do.

It must be some kind of plague that infects anyone who studies - I am not referring to scholars but regular people like me - people who can get A's when they try very hard but usually return B's because something else is always more important than the A.

And as desperate as I am to return an A for this paper, I know I won't, because you just know if it's an A paper.

painful to admit, but it's the brutal truth. I don't say NO to more work, I don't say NO i can't do that now, and i certainly didn't say NO we have to tar pow today because my priorities are no longer just toward my A, but to completing all the day's tasks.

So I conclude that I'm Desperation, personified.

why rationalise?

When things start to break-down, as in mechanical things - one can't help but wonder if that's a sign; that it means something; it's suppose to trigger something else perhaps.

I have had 2 mechanical troubles at home.
One - the PCB on one fan coil unit failed after 8 years.
Two - the storage heater started to leak after 8 + 5 years.

And all in the span of 4 weeks.

I started thinking - is this really about moving on, or is it just me being paranoid.
I know at least one of my gf is rallying for me to sell my flat and get something smaller - albeit she doesn't realise that smaller did not mean less expensive in terms of mortgage, since i wasn't about to move to some corner on the island which is almost as good as living inside the malaysian border. Which was why I decided to stay on here, way in the northern part of the island.

But when these 2 items failed - it got me thinking - actually, it shouldn't since appliances do not last forever and it's more than fair wear and tear.

I have been wishing for a fresh start and perhaps this is natures way of making it happen. Change all the old stuff into new stuff - but is that sufficient to justify having been given a fresh start?

So i took a nap. It was just too much for me to process - it wasn't even priority since my papers still unfinished.

I think i'll just give up trying to understand why i always need to rationalise. Why must I always be so bothered about everything? Why must I always be the one who looses in the end? Whether it costs money or not, I always loose.

Fresh start for me should mean, just that, fresh start with new methods of dealing with irritations so that it no longer irritates me. I need a really happy new year.

anal or oral

Which is worse - to be anal or oral?

Actually, nothing is better than to just be a well-balanced individual - easier said than done, since as I look around me, much work has to be done in terms for the next evolution of society, which comprises of people (of course).

We do not live in perfect world and the sooner we come to terms with that, the better we will fair. If we are optimistic and think there is a 'better' world out there for us, we WILL be sadly disappointed, because there is no alternative world, just this one imperfect world. If we are pessimistic and think we are doomed in this lousy world, then we will just plod on our life being miserable.

Strangely, there are more anally fixated people around than those orally fixated, simply because it doesn't take a lot to get up on the higher rungs of a corporate organisation if we are ass-warmers - and anally retentive people have the knack of doing that, simply because they control the corporate politics from the lower rung. They are probably more 'dangerous' than one can begin to imagine. They are suck control freaks that they are able to manipulate situations so that they come into control - they need that to maintain a cognitive balance.

Orally fixated people are different - in fact, hard to pick out. They are really good at keeping things within their boundaries and managing it there. Although they may become very dependent when stressed, it's not across the board. It would depend upon how much coping skills they have developed to manage that and some may just need a little more attention than normal, which may not be obvious.

I'm somewhere in between, but more orally fixated, since i'm extremely independent, fearing dependency more than anything else. I don't get in anybody's way, unless something bothers me greatly - to which I will need my security blanket - not to cry, but to hide for a bit. But it doesn't mean I will allow anyone to trample all over me either.

So, I really don't know which is worse - I just know that dependence scares the life out of me and I get nightmares about it. Perhaps i'm not the classic case of the oral retentive person, but the signs are there. Because we (psych majors) are not really into Freud these days, it's tough to actually get into this whole thing.

I'm a behaviourist but also a scientist, who watches, takes notes and finds an explanation. I believe that all behaviour is both learnt and innate, depending on which is dominant. Which is why I never believe in processes to change a person, because people don't change - the template is there forever - we just like to think we contorted something else and bent that to another shape. It's just what we like to think - it never happens.

The wicked thing I can say is, send them my way and it won't take me more than minutes to have that original template in place.

Sharks' Fin Soup without the fin

Today, I decided to try my hand at Shark's Fin Soup without the fin, to my son's dismay.

When I explained that we should not be eating Shark's Fin because they are slowly becoming endangered, he retorted that sharks are still killing and hurting humans so, why not?

I explained to him that although I wouldn't take it well that the shark could ingest me, it is still cruel to chop off the shark's fin and then toss him back into the sea to drown. And that for a 'fish' to drown is really ridiculous - we don't like to drown and I'm sure sharks feel the same.

So, i have substituted shark's fin with tang hoon or glass vermicelli, used crab meat and fresh shitake mushrooms. I didn't bother to 'julian' carrots, and i didn't add any chicken or pork mince as some recipe did. I cooked that all in chicken broth and it turned out very well. What made it really great were the fresh Shitake. It really made all the difference (at least for my palette). What I didnt' like either were the chinese dried mushrooms - i'm just not into preserves - preferring to use fresh ingredients all the time. Which is why the supermarket is almost my second home.

to go or not to go

To go, or not to go, that is the question - We have barely 4 weeks before the new year and I have reservations for mumbai. It will be a good time to visit since I'm going with my gf yet I'm reluctant because I seldom travel during this period, simply because everyone else probably is. I like the quiet even when on flight.

I could do with a break yet because it's december, i'm not really convinced. Travelling in january means the fares are cheaper. I have been tossing the idea of actually visiting india for quite sometime and this opportunity couldn't have come at a better time in my life, yet I cannot understand why I'm so reluctant. Perhaps it's because i'm not accustomed to living anywhere but a hotel when i'm travelling and my gf is planning to drag me to her sisters home where we will squat.

I would like to think it's just a matter of changing my mindset, but perhaps it's not just that. The savings will be enormous and we could use that for shopping, which will be great, since ethnic stuff will be the thing to grab.

Perhaps when the ticket deadlines arrive, I'll toss a coin - for now, i'm still deep in thought. She wants me to accompany her - and a break is good for me - however, there is a but.

can't figure out why.

it's not the destination

It's tempting to just take off and disappear for awhile, especially when it's been a rough year, not just for me, but generally - so i gathered. Everyone is so looking forward to the new year, with hope for better things.

I must say that it's not really better things that would motivate me, but probably a more defined idea of where my life is heading. There are things that I would like to do, I have fuzzy plans but executing it is tough, since the vision is still very fuzzy. Thinking about it now is impossible as i'm still flipping between work and my paper, which is in dire straits.

To be realistic, I don't need to travel this festive period, because the flights are full and one can only imagine how 'noisy' it will be on flight and how crowded every destination will be. Yet, I actually booked a seat on a flight to Mumbai - and it will be the longest I have ever stayed away for vacation, not work. Whether I will eventually go or not, would depend very much on my mood over the weekend, since i'm still struggling with my paper and I thought to get away to celebrate - but if my weekend doesn't turn out right, because my paper is mediocre, then I'll probably decide to sulk here in Singapore.

The upside of this trip is, I'll be travelling with my gf and her 2 kids - most of my other friends would say I'm crazy to even think I'll have a proper vacation since I am allergic to children this young - but my gf needs help to mind them on flight and I'm actually not busy during her planned vacation, so although I didn't promise, she is hoping I would join her.

Of course I would rather just focus on my sydney conference - it's my choice destination besides Bangkok but I do need a vacation - haven't gone on one in 8 months - so it's time to take off.

But typically me, I will mull over this, and mull over this until it's time to issue the tickets - my other gf was so excited about it that she started telling me about some scarf which was only available in Mumbai she hopes i can find - I don't have the name yet, but she's getting it for me - she's always been to London, Shanghai for work, yet it never took her to India, so she wasn't just excited, she was really talking about what her other friends got from there - ethnic stuff.....cotton....jewellery..... so, although I told her I was thinking about it, she was urging me to GO -

People are always eager to visit places they have never been to, but for me, it's never about that, it's just getting away and being completely absorbed in doing absolutely nothing.