Classification/Certification

The great thing about depression is; if anything else goes wrong, it will come as no surprise. Otherwise, it can be a rather pickle of a situation to be in.

In the course of my work, I have met irrational depressives, suicidal depressives, angry depressives, emotional depressives and pseudo-happy depressives but unfortunately for me, I do not fall into any of the categories. Frankly, I cannot seem to categorise me.

I have zero emotions which accurately reflects the turmoil that's supposedly beating me up. When we loose something, no matter how trival, it should matter, isn't it? I have lost 20 years of my life CONSCIOUSLY and all I can say is, nothing. Yes, I think about it all day, I think about it when I'm at work, at the meeting - but no one has a clue - because I'm me, always putting responsibilites first and me second - I always deal with myself second. Perhaps that's the root of the problem - I'm never important enough for me because I'm perfectly capable to fix any darn thing.

I spent the morning with my gf of 25 years and all she said repeatedly was that she felt so very sad that no words could convey that verbally. She almost cried because she never picked it up, when she was right there all this time. Now THAT bothered me - because why am I causing her this guilt - she has nothing to do with this, or how difficult a person I have become.

My saving grace right now is my work, which keeps me too busy for anything else except meeting the deadlines. Already a workaholic, it doesn't improve things, but why would I want some free time, when all that it will bring are perhaps more depressive symptoms - and I definately do not wish to CONSCIOUSLY or SUBCONSCIOUSLY make it to the DSM-IV.

It's always easier to blame someone else when something goes terribly wrong - but it's always best to actually face reality and find the root of the problem, not the origin of the blame. Perhaps that's why I don't offer any depressive symptoms - I'm busy finding the root of the problem within me - not within an external factor - because external factors change.

So, to be totally different from the rest of the depressive population - the DSM-IV should be left on the bookshelf, because maybe one day, I'll write a paper on why not everyone needs to be classified albeit requires some certification - which are two different things :)