damaged me

If I went through this blog, I will find that I am person with issues - lots of issues - in essence, perhaps, I'm what I would label 'damaged' - in my book, that's better than 'jaded'.
When a person is 'damaged' it's may be a long, temporary situation (not saying that to perk myself up), whereas being 'jaded' is like wearing a second skin, more permanent.

Everything has a number in my life - priority - schedules - I work things out in as orderly a fashion as it reads on my schedule - very task-oriented; no emotions required - just get the task done do that I can get it out of my way. However, there will come a point in time when living like this just won't do - I have come to that point in my life, where I realised that I have never made myself matter enough to be on the list.

Question : Does that mean I love myself less?
Answer : I have no clue.

I remember a good friend used to say, there is a difference between existing and living. I am existing, not living, and FINALLY, it has caught up with me, that was like 15 years ago? - circumstances have always been priority - what I feel, secondary or merely doesn't exist. There have been days, I wake up and don't remember what it's like to actually feel anymore.

damaged.
I thought that if i kept to this schedule, things would be better for the kid.
I was right, the child has adapted well - but i didn't realise that the cost factor was me.

prozac isn't going to fix this.
because this is not a mind problem - I'm clinical not because of helplessness/hopelessness, but because I realised now that I was never important enough for me.

Exams in less than a week.
i'm dead meat.