My Pain

I was caught with an unexpected question with someone I care about dearly. For people who think on their feet all the time, no question is unexpected enough, but this one slipped past me.

Question: Why are you in so much pain?

Now, for the first few seconds, I had to register that question since no one has ever asked me something like that before, not in all my life, that I can remember. I actually didn't have an answer, because I never really thought about it - I would expect that in circumstances that I am in, it's an entitlement, yet to have another person pick it up is really not what's supposed to happen. Obviously, I didn't respond as correctly as I would have liked to - correctly because it must be an accurate answer for a loaded question.

In a situation where a relationship ends, pain is inevitable for both parties. BUT for me, it had nothing to do with a relationship I ended - after all, I have ended this long, long ago, it's just paperwork now - but I was in pain and it oozed out of my being.

There are many facets of pain, as with everything else.
I am in terrible pain - and it's not being managed very well because of my work, my studies and my commitment to being a better mother to my son. There hasn't been space for me all these years. The pain I have is not something that would just go away with time - it was accummulated over time and it's reached it's maximum storage level, hence it cannot be contained well.

Over 25 years, I got into 2 permanent relationships, both of which were born out of the necessity at that time - people would say that but I can prove it - I never wore a wedding gown in my life - because that to me is sacred - you do that when you are so in love - I never was and so everything was practical and done for the sake of doing it. I was physically abused, fought my way out of it literally, didn't learn my lesson; gave in to another practical relationship and here I am - in full blown pain.

I have to live with this fact, the rest of my life - fact is, I never thought I deserved better and I never thought that I would get stuck with this much of pain since I manage most things pretty well. I was wrong, I am wrong.

Perhaps it's correct to say, we need to love ourselves before we can love another person - yet it's not because inspite of this, I gave whatever I could give when it was deemed required, taking nothing back - working like a shock absorber - each relationship I walked away from, never wanted to let me go - who would given that I am basically quite responsible - but perhaps that's why no one could keep me till death do us part - because being with them killed me bit by bit already - and at the end, I was already dead, devoid of any emotion.

I'm recovering - or would like to think that I am, since I'm talking about it.
Wonder how much I should charge myself for consultation....:)