When does it matter?

When does it matter? What is 'it'?

'it' could be anything that we are talking about - it could be a person, it could be situation, it could be a place - 'it' changes contextually.

I have admitted that I think I'm clinically depressed - and I have done a self-assessment to double-check - since being in the state of mind that I am in, ethically, i need to ensure that I'm doing the assessment correctly. Strange to self-assess and I'm sure not everyone can do it - but we are talking about ME, and because I am able to put things into little boxes, it's a piece of cake.
Just that each time I do it, a little part of me dies.

So I have made it to the severely depressed category, an upgrade from last semester when I was just mildly depressed. That's the good news - there is progress, just that it's in the wrong direction.

It should, because at that level - I should be on meds. I should be seeking help. I should be at some mountain peak thinking about jumping off it, soaking in the beautiful surroundings as the last thing I see.

It does matter.
I started on this road trip this morning but then I received a phone call from a very good girlfriend - an unexpected call and it was enough to at least get me back from wherever my mind was heading. She didn't realise how impeccable her timing was.

It doesn't matter if you don't talk to a person everyday, every week or every month - fact is, she took the trouble when it mattered the most. Today, it mattered the most, because this morning, I knew I couldn't cope and frankly, I was about to just allow myself to be swallowed up, whatever that meant, because I have stopped thinking, haven't slept the whole night and just wanted the pain to go away.

I didn't need to give myself therapy - I would make a lousy patient since I'm better sitting at the other side of the table.

Thanks so very much...
For now, I'll try to manage this as best as I can...