My Pain

I was caught with an unexpected question with someone I care about dearly. For people who think on their feet all the time, no question is unexpected enough, but this one slipped past me.

Question: Why are you in so much pain?

Now, for the first few seconds, I had to register that question since no one has ever asked me something like that before, not in all my life, that I can remember. I actually didn't have an answer, because I never really thought about it - I would expect that in circumstances that I am in, it's an entitlement, yet to have another person pick it up is really not what's supposed to happen. Obviously, I didn't respond as correctly as I would have liked to - correctly because it must be an accurate answer for a loaded question.

In a situation where a relationship ends, pain is inevitable for both parties. BUT for me, it had nothing to do with a relationship I ended - after all, I have ended this long, long ago, it's just paperwork now - but I was in pain and it oozed out of my being.

There are many facets of pain, as with everything else.
I am in terrible pain - and it's not being managed very well because of my work, my studies and my commitment to being a better mother to my son. There hasn't been space for me all these years. The pain I have is not something that would just go away with time - it was accummulated over time and it's reached it's maximum storage level, hence it cannot be contained well.

Over 25 years, I got into 2 permanent relationships, both of which were born out of the necessity at that time - people would say that but I can prove it - I never wore a wedding gown in my life - because that to me is sacred - you do that when you are so in love - I never was and so everything was practical and done for the sake of doing it. I was physically abused, fought my way out of it literally, didn't learn my lesson; gave in to another practical relationship and here I am - in full blown pain.

I have to live with this fact, the rest of my life - fact is, I never thought I deserved better and I never thought that I would get stuck with this much of pain since I manage most things pretty well. I was wrong, I am wrong.

Perhaps it's correct to say, we need to love ourselves before we can love another person - yet it's not because inspite of this, I gave whatever I could give when it was deemed required, taking nothing back - working like a shock absorber - each relationship I walked away from, never wanted to let me go - who would given that I am basically quite responsible - but perhaps that's why no one could keep me till death do us part - because being with them killed me bit by bit already - and at the end, I was already dead, devoid of any emotion.

I'm recovering - or would like to think that I am, since I'm talking about it.
Wonder how much I should charge myself for consultation....:)

Locus of Control

Some external, some internal.
When we have an internal locus of control, we are the captain of the ship, external means, the surrounding environment rules the seas.....
Most don't like to admit that our locus of control is external - because it is seemingly a weaker trait - but we are what we are and the sooner we come to terms with that, the better for everyone, isn't it?

Of course, there are degrees to this, as with everything. Moderation is always is the key word. But, this never does apply to me - because it's me, we are talking about and I'm much more complicated than any DSM manual.

The great thing about being very internal is, you control what you want to control - minimising disruptions and getting on with it. The bad thing is, there may be tendencies to fall into this black hole of blame and not get out of it. Again, knowing thyself is critical. That is the basis for life and love and whatever else that we set out to do in our lifetime.

Although this doesn't help me resolve my clinical situation, it was brought up because it's part of my self-therapy. I have inched away from hating myself for always getting me off the priority list of life and moved towards controlling what I can - which is my locus of control.

We all know that famous saying "make your bed, lie on it" - but the magical question is, did we actually make that bed so uncomfortable knowing jolly well we are going to lie on it - and if we did, why the hell did we not do a better job. It may not sound like I'm making much progress but actually, it's part of healing - get to the bottom line - find it, if you can't see it, find it.

The answer to why I didn't make the bed more comfortable for me is here ; I found it.

I thought I could manage a lesser thread count - I thought it doesn't matter if it's not Egyptian cotton sheets - I thought I could make do until I cannot - I never thought about what if I cannot, then what again...because I got engrossed in whatever it is I was doing that obviously, retrospectively was more important than this bed I just made....

It's not so bad to have a very high internal locus of control - it's management - and yes, we will mis-manage now and then and get into a clinical state of madness - which isn't the end of the road, because we can still fall back on this locus of control. Question is, getting down to it.

nonmaleficence

I came across this huge word in one journal article. It explains this in the context I read, as 'not inflicting intentional harm to others'. So, what is intentional and what is not? I'm sure we can only know in retrospect after having gone over everything - otherwise, how would we know? Something negative must have happened, otherwise, there will be no need to figure out if it was intentional or not.

I checked dictionary.com and it says ; it's used in the public heath sector (correct); it does not imply an act toward the good (agree); used to discuss end of life issues (well...not quite); translated from the Latin word, it means, first, do no harm.

And so I do get it, as a graduate student.

Perhaps that's why I majored in this area - perhaps thats' why my lecturer from my undergrad years told us that professionals in this field, view the world through 'rose-tinted' lenses.
We are constantly trained to remember that it is our ethical and professional duty to 'do no harm' to others. Never have the codes provided for our well-being.
Perhaps that's why this major suits me.

It's never about me - eventhough I do need to make it about me, I cannot, because it has been hammered into my head that I do not matter as much as another person, because I have been trained to handle it and if I feel like I'm about to fail, then I should open the discussion with a more senior person but still handle it.

*sigh
Is this really the story of my life?
That to me, I will never be a priority because that space has been taken by training?

I see that happening in my work, which isn't even about managing someone's life threatening situation - but about regular work, totally unrelated to my training.
do no harm - actually it's quite easy, personal happiness never comes first, personal problems are always too minute, and basically, one only exists probably by accident!

If that's too far fetched, figure this:
I'm clinical - assessment says so - and I'm functioning and not maladaptive.
What does that say?
Actually, a whole lot.

damaged me

If I went through this blog, I will find that I am person with issues - lots of issues - in essence, perhaps, I'm what I would label 'damaged' - in my book, that's better than 'jaded'.
When a person is 'damaged' it's may be a long, temporary situation (not saying that to perk myself up), whereas being 'jaded' is like wearing a second skin, more permanent.

Everything has a number in my life - priority - schedules - I work things out in as orderly a fashion as it reads on my schedule - very task-oriented; no emotions required - just get the task done do that I can get it out of my way. However, there will come a point in time when living like this just won't do - I have come to that point in my life, where I realised that I have never made myself matter enough to be on the list.

Question : Does that mean I love myself less?
Answer : I have no clue.

I remember a good friend used to say, there is a difference between existing and living. I am existing, not living, and FINALLY, it has caught up with me, that was like 15 years ago? - circumstances have always been priority - what I feel, secondary or merely doesn't exist. There have been days, I wake up and don't remember what it's like to actually feel anymore.

damaged.
I thought that if i kept to this schedule, things would be better for the kid.
I was right, the child has adapted well - but i didn't realise that the cost factor was me.

prozac isn't going to fix this.
because this is not a mind problem - I'm clinical not because of helplessness/hopelessness, but because I realised now that I was never important enough for me.

Exams in less than a week.
i'm dead meat.

When does it matter?

When does it matter? What is 'it'?

'it' could be anything that we are talking about - it could be a person, it could be situation, it could be a place - 'it' changes contextually.

I have admitted that I think I'm clinically depressed - and I have done a self-assessment to double-check - since being in the state of mind that I am in, ethically, i need to ensure that I'm doing the assessment correctly. Strange to self-assess and I'm sure not everyone can do it - but we are talking about ME, and because I am able to put things into little boxes, it's a piece of cake.
Just that each time I do it, a little part of me dies.

So I have made it to the severely depressed category, an upgrade from last semester when I was just mildly depressed. That's the good news - there is progress, just that it's in the wrong direction.

It should, because at that level - I should be on meds. I should be seeking help. I should be at some mountain peak thinking about jumping off it, soaking in the beautiful surroundings as the last thing I see.

It does matter.
I started on this road trip this morning but then I received a phone call from a very good girlfriend - an unexpected call and it was enough to at least get me back from wherever my mind was heading. She didn't realise how impeccable her timing was.

It doesn't matter if you don't talk to a person everyday, every week or every month - fact is, she took the trouble when it mattered the most. Today, it mattered the most, because this morning, I knew I couldn't cope and frankly, I was about to just allow myself to be swallowed up, whatever that meant, because I have stopped thinking, haven't slept the whole night and just wanted the pain to go away.

I didn't need to give myself therapy - I would make a lousy patient since I'm better sitting at the other side of the table.

Thanks so very much...
For now, I'll try to manage this as best as I can...

hitting clinical depression

I'm at the end of my rope and i'm just hanging there.

I woke up this morning, my first day back from a jack-in-the-box bkk trip and was on the phone fighting fire from as early as 9am right through after lunch. I have half a mind to just chuck everything and walk away to the north pole, join santa to make toys for christmas, with the hope that nothing will mess up in the production line!

yes, i am fully aware that i have always done multiple things at one go, but somehow, this time, i don't have the patience to do it anymore - it's beginning to wear me down - some people are great just getting into the cycle of things, but i hate to feel like a washing machine.

Somewhere along the line, i lost my will to believe that this 'suffering' is temporary. That said, I have lost interest in basic things that used to give me an escape route - i don't even bother with chocolates anymore - my comfort food - that's telling - i never pass up chocs.

maybe just too many things crashed onto my plate and maybe i'm just too damaged to find my coping skills. perhaps i have coped for so long that i have no more inside me to want to do anything.
maybe i have hit clinical depression - finally.

perhaps if i admit it, i will find the will to cope - like what i did 10 years ago - was prescribed prozac, looked at the box and found a way out without the help of meds.
but i was less messed up then and i had more time, less work pressures.
i know i'm walking on a tight-rope, and i am going to fall somewhere and hurt myself - yet i do nothing about it and wait for me to fall.

for that reason, i know i'm clinically depressed - i'm not bailing myself out -

don't ever get yourself that way, unless you have the dsm-IV manual and are trained to read it. sure, being strong helps, but in this situation, people don't have the strength to understand anything anymore...they don't want to because they are through listening.

what i'm trying to say is, i have just certified myself - i have made it to all 5 criterias - and it doesn't bother me. 10 years ago, i made 3 criterias and was prescribed.

bottom line : if you hit 3 criterias, get help - if you don't, later, you'll be hit with another 2 and only god can help.

priorities

For people like me, constantly in the company of other people, because of work commitments, time-outs are valued deeply. The saying 'it never rains but pours' hold very true for my work. When my phone is silent, it's silent, when it starts to ring, then it's a continuous process - a minefield is how I describe my job scope.
I have decided to get some alone time this weekend - taking off - putting the phone to silent and returning calls only on the day i'm due back. There are so many things i need to get done - for starters, my exams on the 3rd and it's impossible to read here - too many interruptions - clients only understand when you tell them you're outstation - otherwise, it's sms all day until handover. I also need to organise my research proposal which is at skeletal stage - and it's due like in 3 weeks. Then i have to also read over a Handbook, which we are giving out for a newly completed development. On top of that I also need to figure out housing for clients in limbo plus liquidating some units for a client. I have like 2 hands and one brain already in multi-tasking mode.
Prioritise - is what i have to do, which i have been doing with much failure, since work always takes precedent over study.
I am looking forward to this weekend, because I think once I'm away, i'll get the order correct. Yet I wonder if that's really the reason.
Perhaps to some extent, perhaps not.
I'll probably know when I actually get there.

easy come, easy go

I have been hearing a lot about people loosing money in the recent stock market turmoil. For once, I didn't hear anyone brag about having made so much in stocks. Do I feel sympathetic? nope. Not because it's not my money, but more because that's the risk that comes with fast money.

There is no such thing as a method to make money perpetually. As with all free market systems, there will be a correction, sometime or other, and let's face it, the correction is not all that often, coz the last crash wasn't like recent. So, most of these people who lost now, have been making money all this time. All's fair.

I think that the best way to make money is through hard work. Perhaps that's why I'm not rich - i get by, and by that I mean, I get by - I get to pay my fees, bills and whatever I need to. I do not have huge excesses nor am I able to get by without working at all.....

profiting from stocks is one form of gambling, and in gambling, we loose or win. same principle.
there are no guarantees that when you bet on horse A, it will win the race, or that if you placed a bet on Hamilton to win the Japan Grand Prix, that he will...so we take our chances and when it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
Easy come, easy go.

lesson here ; if you want to gamble like the big boys, where loosing $400K is nothing, then be like the high rollers, the money is there to be lost. if you win, then great, go shopping, buy lunches coz money earned this way is never meant for keeping - someone told me that....so perhaps they are right....

Leave things be

There will always be people who have too much time on their hands and instead of being productive, they rather be a nuisance to other people. The past month alone, I have had incidences where I had to deal with what wasn't a problem but became a distraction because some person decided that they had lots of time on their hands.
I understand why people get pissed off, because on some technicality, I got on-top of them, but well, I didn't play the game unfairly - if I saw something they didn't, why make it my problem.

I think a lot of people need a reality check - they need to busy themselves with themselves and not other people's business. I know, that they will get satisfaction just watching me in distress and that's cheap. Anyone in my position will feel distressed, because something which isn't a problem suddenly became a topic of discussion.

For the many of us, who constantly have people who trouble us, retaliation is not the answer - I think we need to learn how to ignore these people and realise that the more troubled we are externally, the more satisfaction they receive. These people thrive on another person's discomfort and I'm sure, they will experience this very same discomfort sometime later in their life.

People should mind their own business and not poke their noses into how others structure their lives. In the first place, it doesn't concern them and we never really can understand why a person reacts the way they do, until we are caught in the exact same situation. Why learn lessons the hard way - just exercise some social professionalism, and we can all get on with our lives the way we want to. There is no need to be jealous or even desperate - these are difficult times, so the focus should be on managing our lives and not that of another person when it doesn't affect us.

The younger ones should grow up and live another 20 years before they try to preach. It's no wonder elders from generations before always never allowed the younger family members to participate in gossip - because they just don't know when to just listen, know and leave it at that.

Extensions

This is a very interesting word - depending on the circumstances, it could either be a good thing or bad thing.
For some women, hair extensions mean, they don't have to put up with their cropped crown just because they chopped it off in a rage. They could still have long locks without having to be patient. If hair grows about an inch every 8 weeks, that could certainly be a bummer on vanity.
For the cash-strapped on credit, extensions could mean anything from being made a bankrupt to settlement of the loan.
For the holiday-goer, extensions could mean having too great a time that reality should be put on hold.
For the prisoner, an extention on their parole date could mean they didn't behave surprisingly and so they will just stay within the 4 walls until they do.

For the student, an extension means - Thank you GOD for keeping our professor so occupied that he is unable to receive our current assignment, which means, we have another week to re-write, re-read, re-think our paper, all the REs, just so we don't have to re-this semester!

another year

Another year older in age, yet I don't know if I've moved far enough from where I was a year ago. Some things have changed - I'm on my own and studying - which should count for a lot when I need sympathy for myself - it's, after all, a total change of my life dynamics.

To say that I'm in a better position would need some qualification - which viewpoint?
I wouldn't use the term 'better position', but rather, 'different direction' , since I have finally chosen a path at the last crossroads. Often, I would take a few steps here and there, and try to figure out what's ahead without really going there. Last time around, I actually made decisions and although it's not a proper track to move on, still bumpy, I feel good about it.

I think my philosophy has always been that when one starts out rough, one will manage to iron the creases and bumps out, so that eventually, we travel with minimal turbulance until we hit another crossroad. I know I didn't choose the easier road - but through my experience, the easier roads never go down well with me - rough ones usually pan out well after toiling - which is something to look forward to.
I like to have something to look forward to, because it's about the only definate thing in my life. Plans can be destroyed or shelved, yet it's still something that's there.

I don't know if I would have gone far enough the road in a year to say something different, but for now, it's hard work ahead and let's see what one more year will change for me.