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July 07, 2009

Self-destruction

The first time I ever heard this word was in some TV sitcom too many years ago. Must have been some sci-fi thing with robots of some sort. Now, this word is etched in my head, where my personality rules, quite similar to when we do a RESTORE/FDISK on our computer.

When all else fails, we do a RESTORE/FDISK, so that the memory is cleared, HDD cleared and all viruses cleared. I feel that until I do that, I am not able to move forward because I most certainly am not able to ignore quarantined files, neither am I able to live with pockets of dust if I have some knowledge that it's there.

People have their own way of moving forward, but my way is always getting the trash out first, good trash and bad trash. I have no way of controlling what gets recycled and what doesn't. It just happens. My mind shuts down and reformats and reboots on autopilot.

At this point in time, my studies, 6 months or one semester left is hanging in the balance. The Libran would say, let's put stuff on the other side to keep it balanced. But the dragon, who has emerged is just burning everything down. The Libran has no control over the dragon, when she's in a rage - how does an object control a mythical creature?

I do not feel helpless or hopeless - it's not a place I visit often and when I do feel like that, it's for a moment. I feel self-destructive, which is way beyond the helpless/hopeless fight/flight syndrome. Some people need a clean slate to start, I need fallow grounds i.e. burn the bushes, forget about smoke pollution and let it just sit there doing nothing.

This is where I am now. Why now? well I have kept this under control for as long as I could and yesterday, the ex, threw a comment which sparked this - he told me he couldn't get dinner because he had to pay the electrical bill - of course I could get dinner for my son, I have always gotten dinner for my son - it's not about the inability of getting dinner, it's about being bitter, vindictive and trying to assume that I am not able to buy dinner for my son just because I'm not working like a regular person. It's an attempt to make me feel useless and dependent.
Coming from someone who has depended on me for 17 years, triggered a response.
I blew a fuse and it's one fuse that doesn't have a replacement i.e. self-destruct and destroy everything in my path.

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