uncontrollable tailspin

For the many who are very familiar with themselves, it's always good to be in control of our wants and non-wants. The problem arises when we know what we want but we need housekeeping because we are caught in this puddle of dirt. It's like getting tangled in seaweed when we are swimming out at sea. Only two things can happen, we either get ourselves entangled, or we drown.

Drowning is not the preferred option since that means we have lost the battle - but is there such a thing as fate, playing it's hand?

I do not believe in fate, although I do believe in a bigger picture - I refuse to sit and accept an unwritten fate, which didn't go through my consent department for approval. Some call that destiny, not fate. Like, if a person is destined to be President, he will be and if he's not, he won't be. So, although there is a big picture, I know we are the artist but if the final product is a landscape, and we started doing portraits, then we are definately ON THE WRONG PAGE.

This is where I am at - the wrong page.

It must have happened somewhere between my taking out the drawing paper and finding the coloured pencils. The breeze could have flipped my art paper and got me onto a page, which looked like the one I was supposed to work on.

What can we do as amendments is quite limited, considering, it's an entirely different page. But being resigned to a situation is not something I digest too easily - hence my going into my dwelling mode - a period I spend just doing nothing except adopt a slow thinking process. It's the point in my life, when I choose irresponsibility over responsibility - and focus on getting my views at a more acceptable personal level. Usually it entails a mental war and ends with casualities.

My target now, is getting myself healed - it's not the appropriate time, since i have semester 2 looming - and i find myself not having the energy to continue - because of a system failure - I know, at the back of my head, that I have done the best that I can, in my present life - but i'm not satisfied - conflict within the self.

In this sense, it helps that I know me very well - but it doesn't make this season any easier because I am more conscious about what's going to happen and as such, become more troubled by it. I cannot defer my studies - I should not - but at this point in time, there is nothing i can find within me, to steer away from this route.

Isn't it always like this? We know what we should do, but we seem to be in an uncontrollable tailspin.