there isn't a best person

There are times when we feel very stuck and short-changed in our personal relationships - but feel unable to do anything about it except to beat ourselves up and get upset. My advice to anyone in that position is that, no one is perfect and there is no perfect match at all. Everyone in a relationship compromises, one way or the other - people who say they do not are not honest and sincere with themselves and the people around them.

When a relationship lasts it's not because it's not necessarily a soul-mate situation. It could just be that both are aware of each others limitations and have found ways to compensate - i.e. they dumped their dream of being happy in another area - perhaps their career, their children, whatever that makes sense to them. And that is enough to take them right till 'death do us part'.

We need to get real with life, because if we don't, we will find ourselves always unhappy and never able to understand why we chose this over that. I know, because my life was plagued with unhappiness, with my choice of relationship partners who never seem to understand that I do need to be cared for and that I deserve to be loved as much as anyone else on the street. That just because I'm able to look after myself, it doesn't mean that I don't need to feel helpless sometimes. We all need someone, yes we do, but when half our life is gone and we have no decent memories to tell us that there is hope for us, we may just believe that we are the exception - people who are best alone.

If I could live my life again, I would ensure that I do not expose myself to this magnitude of disappointments that makes me believe that I don't have the energy to try again - not something permanent like a marriage, but at least a permanent relationship which works both ways.

My counselee is young and already feeling disappointed and helpless - I wish I could tell her that the world isnt' like that, but if I did, I would be giving her false hope about love. But I do not want her to give up - she has 2/3 of her life left to live with laughter and warmth. Perhaps whatever mistake that I have made, I just wanted her not to make the same and make it better for her.

How does a person like me, so empty of empathy and emotion be this concerned?

Well, empathy is a state of being and emotions are personal - just because I use them to cope better, doesn't mean that they are missing in my heart and soul. I do not have anyone who is there for me, anytime that I need him to be - and even if he is here, I am not convinced that being this exposed is best for me - because when I hurt, I hurt for years.

So, there isn't a best person for us.

We just balance everything so that it makes sense to us and allows us to move forward.

It's not the ideal, but sometimes we have to live with the less than ideal, deal with it and then decide what to do.