Today, I realise that no matter how great a girlfriend/older sister is, she will never understand what it means to be an academic, if she herself is not one.
Today, I realise that no matter how much I have always stood by her at her lowest points in her life, she doesn't have the capacity to do the same for me.
Today, she made me cry.
There is a conference in Sydney in January - call it the 'ego' conference - since it's for select academics only - I would like to go - not because I need an ego boost, but because I need to convince myself that although I have messed up too much of my life, that I am not hopeless as a person. I feel the need to connect with my academic peers, so that the years I have wasted, just staying in a farce of a marriage didn't mean that I was stupid - but because it was necessary.
When a person makes it academically, we congratulate them, because it's an honour to be recognised and to be selected. I was hurt, very hurt that she told me to be practical and that going over for the conference would probably not make my troubles go away. Well, that wasn't my intention. I needed to attend to make myself feel right about me and that cannot be wrong.
I even took the time to explain to her that sometimes, we need to convince ourselves that we can do it, whatever it is - and that we have the strength to make it to the finish line - and if that takes some time and money and effort - so be it. At least it would give us the fuel and energy to do it. I could stay here and save myself the money, but will that give me the energy I need to move on? I don't think so, because if that practical formula worked, then I wouldn't be depressed now.
So, yes, another year, and I have started on another journey - it's kudos.
Yet, what she told me is unacceptable and I will make her see that she's wrong.
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