Yes, I have since recovered from my 'cold' shower - it's not that time heals whatever wounds, but more taking matters into my own hands and seeking for divine intervention to make things right for me. It's always easier to make a mistake than to undo it; always easier when we are on the preventive and more difficult when we are rectifying a situation.
But no matter how easy, it never is.
I have moved on, yet I have lots of loose ends that needs tidying.
My focus on my work (which means mullah) and school, doesn't let up at all, and when it does seem to let up a little, it's only because I just chose to ignore my current responsibilities and slack for a bit - to catch my breath - be lazy for a couple of hours. But it doesn't make the work or school go away, it just piles them up. What's left afterwards? basically, a high pile of mess.
Today, I decided to calm myself down and look at the entire picture, one at a time. Seek divine help and ask for strength and guidance to finish this. I have a life, albeit punctuated with surprises but I need a life where I don't have to look over my shoulder and wonder if someone is opening my wallet to check how much cash I have, or if someone will take some cash out from my wallet and leave me a note to say "Sorry, but I had to take some money" - it's shameless, but that's what I'm living with. When I cook for my son, with money I earn, I accidently feed another person who isn't contributing to his child's welfare. I am not calculative about food, but when someone just thinks that it's his entitlement, just because we are under the same roof (still), then it's annoying. Not once, did he ask his son, if he needed dinner - he would sit in front of the tv and eat slices of bread, expecting me to arrange for dinner (if I didn't cook).
I've been silent because work tires me and school work makes me feel dumb (it's stats, what do you expect?!) Today, I decided to break the silence - I told him that I'll hang on to this flat until right after year end., I will then find a job outstation because I cannot live here, where he's dumping everything on my lap at his convenience. I refuse to be on the same island with him.
Divine intervention - that gave me the patience to actually not yell, because everytime I scream, it tires and wears me out so badly, I loose focus on my studies. For the years that I have toiled, I owe it to myself, to have peace of mind. I have hung on for so long and yes, I have a life now, more than I ever did all these years - but I need to be legally free asap - if anything, to be free of clutter. Yup, he's been reduced to clutter.
2 comments:
Why on earth does he expect u to provide meals for him? Can't a grown man find his own makan? It's disgusting.
Well, if he could, i wouldn't have had to be in this fix for years! And where did I find the patience, God only knows.
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