Not a closet divorcee

If there is a damper on anything, it's reality.
I've been so busy studying, getting my research ready, ethics application done, work-site in order that I didn't have time to stop and think about my personal situation. Usually, that's a good thing, because it takes me off being depressed, which is what I need to do, with exams around the corner.

How did this reality check come into place? Well, my gf called and we were just having a chit-chat, she was bored and upset about her daughter. I am close my gf and I think I understand her more than she understands me or perhaps that's why I make a good counselor, because I am able to keep my mess outside sessions and basically, just able to compartmentalise well. When she's in a mess, she tends to be a little flippant with her focus, which sometimes hurt.

Everyone knows i'm tidying up my personal life - which isn't on Rodeo Drive, where it's easy to just file papers and get things tidy as often as we do the laundry. There are things that need to be sorted out, and it needs to be sorted out in the correct order, so that things will be neater, when the papers arrive in court - there should not be anything left for adjournment to chambers or the stress of not having a roof over my son's head. I am and have been separated - this legal tie is the only thing that is standing in the way of finality. My marriage ended years ago - and close friends know that I hung on because I was waiting for my son to reach an age, where he could understand and respect my decision. I needed to secure my son's growing years so that he would never be torn between his two parents, as a younger boy - they all get torn up, when they are not ready and are pushed to live out a divorce settlement between their parents.

I do not have a close relationship with my parents, siblings or relatives. I just have me and my son. I need to get this right for him.

Sometimes I wish, my gf would understand why the paperwork is taking so long to materialise. Fact is, she's aware, yet when she's caught up with her stuff, she forgets and feels like I am deliberate in dragging this. It's been a year, officially, that I've been separated. Past years not taken into account, because families were told only a year ago.

People like things clean, neat.
Reality isn't like that at all. We take the good, the bad and the in-between - manage it and still, it's never squeaky clean or fastidiously neat.

I'm as real as I can get with myself and if that's not good enough, I don't know how to do this anymore. Yes, I'm upset that paperworks not complete. But Rome wasn't built in a day, and if it was, it probably won't be as beautiful. That's the up-side of being patient.

I'm as divorced as any one can ever be. Frankly, I don't care much about the paperwork, because I've been stuck in this rut for more than 10 years. The only difference is, I'm not a closet wd-be divorcee - i live my own day, at my own time, have my own room and earn my own keep.
i own my life, I have always owned it and will always own it - no one can ever claim that right from me, courts or otherwise.
In my soul, I am free.
In my heart, I am free.
Why does it make a difference, if I have a piece of paper still? I can just tear it up and it's gone - no one would know any better and perhaps then this cliche society can move on and see me for how I have lived my life.