tending to

I have decided to snap into work and cope, although it's difficult. I am still sharing my space for some hours in the day and I feel very suffocated. There is tendency to run. A gf told me once, when she was filing for divorce, that she felt like a bird, trapped in a small cage. A bird could live happily in a cage, if there is enough space and enough love and care - but would have expectations to be let free at least once in a while.

I have never been let free - because my emotions have always been check. I do not allow myself to feel, because it hurts. A very good friend told me, that I'm high maintenance - not in material terms, but in all other aspects. I watched many of my good gfs getting hurt in relationships. I felt that if I removed feelings, I wouldn't get hurt.

Looking back, all my boyfriends, right from pre-uni days, wanted a permanent relationship with me - but the minute they went there, I walked out. Never gave anyone a chance to show me how much I needed tending to. Always believing that I could manage well on my own, not needing anyone emotionally. I still believe in that very much, perhaps that's why I'm in this situation. I just realised that after so many years being void of tenderness, I have become very damaged and harsh. Perhaps that's why I come across to good friends as one who is high maintenance - not easy to understand what I'm thinking at all.

I have lived half my life and have never allowed anyone to walk into my heart. There were always limits set. The only person that probably received unconditional care is my son, of course he had his fair share of discipline but always done with care, wanting him to know that he's loved more than anything else in the world. He's beginning to realise that I need tending to, because he has decided to spend time with me watching tv instead of gaming all the time. Perhaps, he picked up on my broken-ness.

We all need tending to - in varying degrees.
I just did it myself all these years - and feeling this way has got nothing to do with anyone, except me, which is easier for me to manage and control. That to me is more acceptable than have another person drive my life. Perhaps I see things this way because in the past, I have never come across someone whom I respect as a person in totality and trust enough to let him tend to my heart.